hold on to whatever will get you through

little gems of wisdom from a dinner date and a fruitful conversation, take one.

sometimes we're selling ourselves too short.

clarity

i can't be sure that this state of mind is not of my own design
- john mayer, something's missing

if i had my way, i would spend my life:

drinking is just the way we keep away the cold

mum was always telling me that i had super sensitive instincts. i'm not sure if i really believed in that kind of thing or not, but today proved how right mum was to think it.

i had a dinner date with a friend this evening, and obviously that was uppermost in my mind today. and all the while i was also thinking of someone else whom i hadn't seen in a long time, and couldn't help wishing that i would.  tonight. the thought that i knew just how likely it would happen (which was not at all) was the one thing that kept me from actually doing anything short of actually begging.

out of the blue, i got a message. from that someone else. and the news that followed that first message had me silently freaking out and i still don't know if it's the good or bad kind. if i believed in signs, i'd have thought that the universe was telling me something in a massive billboard along the highway. but what this was a sign for is anyone's guess because i don't remember asking the universe for signs at all.

you're the only one i want, the only one i need, the only one on my mind all the time.

- ben lee, birthday song 

missing

out of the loop

tonight i happened on the blog of an online friend, and she had written about feeling so alone.  what surprised me though was how all five comments from five different people described how they more or less had the same feeling themselves.

eyes wide shut

maybe i really have massive blinkers on.

when we (meaning my mum, aunt, two uncles and myself) drove down for a long weekend at nyc, i was not prepared. i didn't have an agenda, except to make sure we not get lost and manage the meet-up with my cousin. i had vague ideas about striking out to get the nyc experience, but i guess i'm too chicken. so when my uncles decided to go out and watch larry carlton perform a set at the famed blue note, i had to go with them if i would ever have something unique to remember of that weekend.

which was not to say i enjoyed every minute of it. i realized i'm not really into instrumentalists, though i appreciate how good they are. i guess music without words don't quite strike that chord within. and to think the only part i really, really enjoyed was when i realized he was playing the lord's prayer and i was the first to recognize it. after that, i had already drunk half a bottle of corona so i was a bit fuzzy.

maybe it was that corona that did it. because after the set, when the lights went on, we discovered we were sharing a table with this spanish guy who was nursing a bottle of red by himself. being the talkaative guy he is, my older uncle chatted up the guy (his name was jorge) and discovered he was a promoter. etc, etc. and i was like, bleh. because i really didn't know how to chat up someone i didn't know, much less a guy, i instead gave off the vibe that i couldn't care one way or the other. when in fact i really, really cared.

i don't remember whether he was hot, or even cute. i don't think i even bothered to look too closely. which now, i realized, is the whole problem. i know i have a defeatist attitude. i've heard that line about people loving people who love themselves. but i honestly don't know how to go past that. because i'm too chicken.

drunk blogging

yes, i know i've never done this before because i've never had dsl on my fingertips at times like these. actually, i've never been this drunk and gone home like thisin a long, long time. so this really is a first time for many things.

new year, new life?

happy new year!

i have this vague idea that i do not blog about christmases. probably because i'm too busy at that time of the year, and blogging about it in retrospect loses appeal with every day that passes in the new year. i'm not going to mess with that tradition now.

instead, i'll just blog about new years' resolutions. or not. or maybe my aching tummy (crab never agrees with me)... or maybe not that one, either.

oh what the heck. i'm in no mood to be all philosophical and-slash-or witty when i have less than six hours of sleep ahead of me.

besides, we now have dsl at home. i can now blog any-fricking-time i wanted to.

ps. oh, about that new life? horoscope's being very positive about this year's prospects. here's hoping it'll come true, especially since FRICKING BIOLOGICAL CLOCK HAS BEEN MAKING ITS PRESENCE KNOWN. [/rant]

life in mono

everything is not all right.

i feel rotten. i ate a piece of cake for merienda but was not satisfied. i want to go out tonight but i feel guilty leaving my aunt and dad to care for my mum. my feelings of being ignored by some people are getting more magnified by the day. i'm trying to write a post for another website but can't seem to get it together. not to mention i've been trying to write this post since forever but couldn't hit on the right note to go on with it.

thing is, my mum is suffering from depression and whenever it happens (it's been off and on for the last 20 years) we're put in a rather delicate situation. now that i'm older, and supposedly more mature, i no longer have an excuse to leave it to the adults - not just the finances, but the daily management of the house and, more importantly, my mum's mental (and emotional) well-being. but all i want to do is hide in my bedroom with my gazillion romance paperbacks and come out when it's all over.

today we had to take her to a dermatologist to have her skin problems checked, and it was somewhat a production. considering that this episode of depression came about from her increasing number of health problems, she was worried that going to another doctor meant another treatment and another type of medicine to remember (which is usually the case). i can't help but get frustrated along with her trying to wrap her head around what needed to be done, when there's so much that needed to be dealt with at the same time.

(and here i stopped being emo and just forced myself to watch some tv. it distracted me a bit, but not much from my food cravings...)

so, anyway, life is rather different for now. other times i might shake my head a little whenever my mum is in hyper mode, but times like these i kinda miss it. almost. and to be quite honest, some of the depression spills over to me. it's pretty hard not to be depressed when you're living with someone who is.

thirty days

other people would be hung up on their age. never me. but with time passing rapidly and the days till i hit the magic number decreasing at warp speed, i find that i am way too obsessed with age. although for my part, it's the regret that i'll be without an excuse to stay immature. because somehow, hitting that big 3-0 comes with a certain... something that behaving in a manner less than responsibly will seem like an insult to the wisdom that comes with age.

---

i have always deplored my tendency for inaction. (if there's any consolation, i don't have to be bitter about grad school anymore, because i finished.) but i feel like i missed out on so many things that i could have done. some are little things, that are more like way-of-life as opposed to single events. like, i'm not fully exploring career options. or, i've not gone out on gimiks with friends more often. i've not gone out more often, more like. and there's that delaying the driving lessons thing. and that whole hoopla on love and relationships. i've barely scratched the surface of twentysomething independence, and it's being taken away from me.

maybe the reason i'm thinking too much about the implications of the impending birthday is that too many things are coming to a head all at the same time. i just finished grad school, so no more reason to put everything else on hold. reorg at the office made me think more than twice on my career direction, and whether i still wanted to hang on or finally let it go. then, losing the guilt over grad school should have been my ticket to doing more of the things i wanted to try. and i'm feeling a deadline because it's a little less becoming to stay at home dreaming when i should be mature enough to take action.

the point is, i'm not ready to be thirty.

but there's nothing i can do about it.

i'm too old to be this confused

moodswings are weird. only yesterday morning i was lighthearted, but it seems the events that transpired since then have given me much food for thought. today, i struggle with the confusion that has stuck with me over the last few weeks.

i thought finishing graduate school will help me at least get an idea where i'm going. months after everything has been settled, i find that i have no fricking idea where to go from here. i still feel underqualified for anything. more to the point, i have no inkling at all what kind of work i'm suited for.

i don't know why i won't give up my actuarial career track. my knowledge isn't even current. but just like the scraps of paper i still keep in memento boxes, i can't seem to let it go even if i know i won't make it to fellowship.

on the other hand, career change is scary. i've long wanted to work in UN, but again, i don't know what exactly i'm suited for. it's times like these that i envy my former officemate, who decided to shift to another career four years ago. i could have done it then, too - we were in the same boat - but i was too scared to make the first move.

i've always been the wait-and-see sort of person. almost everything i do has been thought out and debated on at least a hundred times. but there have been instances that i could have acted with haste and gotten better results (hindsight is always 20-20). i'm betting this is one of those times.

made of what?

i just finished watching made of honour on my ipod. i was supposed to see it on the big screen with a friend from work, but fate intervened and the girlbonding got busted.

okay, i wasn't expecting too much from the movie. but for some reason i got really kilig afterward. (so maybe someone should provide bad reviews to me for films that i wanted to enjoy. heheheh.) anyway, i just can't help but be sad about my own (lack of) love life. yes, i know it's not the end-all and be-all of my existence. it doesn't define me. i'm quite happy being my own mistress. i'm not mature enough to handle a relationship. the right guy will come along at the right time.

what a load of b.s.

i'm definitely not wishing for a serial one-night stand player like patrick dempsey's character. i don't even wish for someone as good-looking as him (but it wouldn't hurt). actually, i don't know what i really want. but at this age, i feel like i'm losing out on the whole experience. i don't even go out much with other people, just the people who i know well (and there are no prospects there). i mean, how can i follow bo sanchez's advice of going out on friendly dates, when i don't have dates to begin with? *sigh*

yes, i know i sound so bitter; worse, i don't seem to be doing anything about it. so what do i do?

i'm a believer

whenever i know i needed to write something, i end up writing a whole lot of nonsense on my blog instead. and now that i have twitter, i update as well. funnnnnnnn.

---

i blog because i want to be heard. because i don't feel i'm heard enough in real life. like everything just goes on whether i'm there or just sitting in the sidelines. which i am most of the time.

and i put my feelings out there, somebody hears, but i don't feel like anyone's listening. do i expect too much from people? from some people, who don't even care?

or am i deaf to the people who really care, the ones who listen but dare not speak, for some reason?

comments of the day:
from the blog of rhojmp3downloads.multiply.com

commenter a: ...anyway, that priscilla betetr learn how to LISTEN. listen to other people's side before doing something else.

commenter b: paano naman niya magagawa yan...bingi nga

[/crack]

whine, whine, whine

it's hot out. it's cold in here. i have fever, my frap is melting.

so instead of going home right away since i first felt this weird temperature disparity, i chose to stay. when i badly needed sleep. and with no ready cash. but a few weeks ago, i decided to go home in the midst of a really freaking hot summer afternoon (it was after one pm, go figure) having the same symptoms and i wasn't happy at all. so i decided to try the other way for now, and waited for the free ride home. (because luckily, today, i get a free ride home.).

i should have just stayed home and not spent as much money. too late for that. and to think the initial reason i took a sick day (originally a half-day, but circs have a way of going awry) is no longer itching to make its presence known. it lends credence to the popular school of thought that illness is largely psychological. just when the theory that the little buggers were living the high life in my epidermis has been dashed, once and for all, it's like i'm reborn. but i could have done without the flames from fawkes, thank you.

ok, i've spent two hours sitting like a good lamb in this sofa chair, no complaints. no highlights, either. just some good 'zine fodder and fern's latest teddy chapter. i have at least an hour left to go before i'm saved. ohhhhhh brother.

overwhelmed

60 days and counting. well, 30 days if i was batting for the first deadline. but at the rate i'm going, that's fast becoming a remote possibility. and if i keep up like this, i'll be failing the class submissions part. bummer. that gives me a chance in hell that i'll even get a passing mark in strama.

last saturday saw a repeat of the "frantic phone call." this time i called best bud mike. lucky for him i was in a public place or it would have been accompanied with sobs and a flood of tears. i really don't know what i was looking for with that call. maybe i wanted to unload all my frustrations, or to validate that i am not dumb after all. but sometimes, the words "kaya mo yan" can only get you so far.

i don't want to sound like a broken record. and i don't want to be a hypocrite and say that i don't want to involve other people in my mess -- or i shouldn't have said anything about it. but strama is plain driving me nuts. it is testing my patience, my perseverance, my ability to cope with pressure, and my faith. three years is a long time to have this at the back of my mind, and i am plain tired. but my mind and my hands refuse to cooperate.

i kept reminding myself of the things i am free to do once i've finished. catch up with my reading backlog. learn to drive. go out more often. finally be free of guilt. i get on a high, and five minutes later i stand up from my chair and try to walk off my frustration. i just can't see my way through. how my other classmates did is a big mystery. i can't let this hold me back. but at the same time, i wonder if i was even ready for it.

i know you're there but i'll pretend like i don't care

one of the symptoms you're suffering from heartache is the tendency to identify with every song ever recorded, no matter how far off the mark they were. it's either the sentiments are exactly the same, or it's something you wish you could say if the situation ever arose. this is something i wish he'd say to me. (except for the gender, it's something i wish i could tell him.)

this was also looping in my head (along with makes me wonder) last saturday night. also known as the day of the wedding. (not his, though.) guess this proves that weddings bring out the worst and best of us.

this relationship is over, though my stomach still hurts
and i've wanna live alone, why is the pain much worse
you look so much better without makeup, why would you hide your face
don't wanna spend the night and wake up, realize we made a big mistake

i cannot refuse your eyes
please don't look at me tonight
my heart beats fast, i know you're there
i'll pretend like i don't care
it hurts so bad to know the truth
but i am still in love with you

i never meant to keep you waiting, and now your food is getting cold
i keep denying i'm in love with you, my routine is getting old
now you standin' from the table, you say you'll never look back
do somethin' stupid when you ain't, you only wake up sad

i cannot refuse your eyes
please don't look at me tonight
my heart beats fast, i know you're there
i'll pretend like i don't care
it hurts so bad to know the truth
well girl, i'm still in love with you
it hurts so much to know the truth
well girl, i'm still in love with you

no more kises on the lips or tender touches please
i'd rather die on my two feet than let down on my knees
you know, the cuts you gave me opened up and start to bleed
and i just can't get over you until you're over me

i cannot refuse your eyes
please don't look at me tonight
my heart beats fast, i know you're there
i'll pretend like i don't care
i cannot refuse your eyes
please don't look at me tonight
my heart beats fast, i know you're there
i'll pretend like i don't care
it hurts so bad to know the truth
well girl, i'm still in love with you
it hurts so much to know the truth
well girl, i'm still in love with you

-- maroon 5, until you're over me

leaving yesterday behind

i received a text message today from my high school friend nex. she had finished with her compre exams and will be graduating with her masters in... community development? i keep forgetting. (geez. what a great friend i am.) only two years ago, we were both suffering anxiety over our respective graduation requirements: her thesis and my strama paper. now, everyone in our group who went into graduate school has earned their degree or diploma, except me. how ironic.

i don't know when i got bitter, but love is surely better when it's gone

sometimes i really wonder why i'm still here. it's not as if i know what i'm doing.

i always felt that i wasn't ready to take on the expert role. i don't have much expertise to begin with. the time i could have learned from someone who knows what he's doing -- and knows how to wing it if he didn't -- was cut pitifully short. now i'm left all alone to be the police and the servant at the same time. and come up with magic tricks in between.

maybe i'm ill-equipped smarts-wise. it's like i don't remember anything i learned after theory of interest. i don't even understand the first few pages of the actuarial mathematics reviewer. so how can i even try to discern whether this or that technical paper is the key to solving my ratemaking problem? i don't even know half the theorems they mention.

maybe i have a weak support system. the unfortunate thing about belonging to this industry is that there are few actuarial experts, unlike in the traditional industries that actuaries are involved with. my ex-boss can't help me now, and i don't know who to turn to. and this is actually one of my biggest headaches: there's no one to run to for expert advice.

maybe i'm just lazy, which is my usual problem.

maybe it's just time for me to move on. but the map isn't in my hands just yet.

---

despite yesterday starting off the wrong foot -- and me getting up on the wrong side of the bed, almost literally -- i got a pleasant surprise that made my day. i finally met drei in the most unexpected manner -- we were working in the same building! snaps to YM and smart gprs for making it all happen.

song of the week: sade, no ordinary love. i'm digging the urbandub and deftones versions, coz i haven't heard the original yet.

the blog post title comes from tonic's you wanted more.

how do you know when to quit?

i wish i knew how to quit you (from brokeback mountain)

ever since i started making up my own mind, i didn't really make my decisions; rather, i believe that they were made for me by chance or circumstance. whatever significant thing happened to me came from a choice that was the most logical, or the most obvious.

but for the last year or so, it doesn't seem to work that way anymore. i've been given so many chances that turned out to be duds. i don't know if i never stood a chance, or if they just changed their mind about me. but those close calls never came through.

and now, i've lost trust in fate.

if before i would jump at this chance to save my wits (i am getting rusty and dying of boredom), not to mention have some semblance of career progression, i chose to walk on the safe side. which isn't so safe, either. who knows how long i can pretend to be relevant? or worse, how long can my higher-ups carry the budget strain?

i don't know if i was wrong about not going through with it. here was my ticket to working with people i'd choose to belong to. it would have been a relatively easy way to leave the uncertainty of my field, and leave behind the failed exams and the scant opportunities. not that shifting to a new career is without uncertainty, but this was a safe bet at the very least. and the clincher was that i didn't ask for it, i was given a heads up.

but was i right to give up this chance? to have the time to finally put my paper to rest, and not have to postpone it indefinitely? to retain the flexibility (more like a free ride) that i have right now? guilt isn't such a major factor , and i don't have great illusions of being indispensable. but i crave familiarity, and i'm not so hot about traveling all the time - once or twice a year is enough. and there was a reason i avoided teaching -- i have very little patience.

so once again, i have let things lie as they were. who knows if i'll ever get another chance. well, god only knows.

family ties

i was having a bad day and this came out. maybe i just needed to get it out of my system. or maybe i needed to see how petty i am about this.

last month, inaya ko yung lunchmate ko sa office na mag-starbucks sa kabilang building. meron kasi akong coupon noon ng "treat-a-friend to a marshmallow mocha" eh sayang naman kung di ko magagamit di ba? kaya ayun, after namin kainin yung mga baon naming lunch eh lumabas kami para makapag-lakad-lakad naman.

nung nakahanap na kami ng upuan (office building yon kaya mabenta sya pag lunch break), shempre kuwentuhan muna. ewan ko ba pano napunta yung usapan sa mga lakad, basta nagkagulatan na lang kami na halos pareho pala kami ng sitwasyon. yup, bukod sa pareho kaming 27 at never pang nagka-boyfriend (hah kala ko ako lang), nai-ugat namin ito dahil sa ugali ng pamilya namin. yup, pareho kaming ulirang anak na takusa.

hindi ko naman sinasabi na bahay lang kami. hindi naman kami pinagbabawalan talaga lumabas, na parang si rapunzel na nakakulong lang sa tore. tulad nya, me kotse naman sya at ok lang magpagabi sya ng uwi. ako naman, nung dito pa ako nakatira sa manila pinapayagan naman akong magpalipas dito ng friday at sa sabado na lang uuwi. o kaya kung me tatagpuin akong kaibigan after office, ok rin lang. pero sa kabila nito, parang hirap na hirap kami (for lack of a better description) na magpaalam pag me lakad.

kunyari nung high school. isa sa mga tandang-tanda ko noon eh yung para akong nagtatago at nakikipagsapalaran pag kasama ko yung mga kabarkada ko. kahit ginagabi akong umuwi dahil sa glee club, pag inabot ako ng 5.45 na nakikipagkwentuhan lang sa grounds eh kung anu-ano na ang naiisip kong sermon sa kin. ewan ko nga kung bakit nagagawa nung ibang bata non na mag-overnight eh, samantalang ako sobrang kinukonsyensya.

at hindi natapos sa high school yon. lalo na po nung college, para tuloy lagi akong labas sa mga usapan dahil hindi ako basta makagimik. inggit na inggit ako sa mga ka-org ko na sobrang mag-bonding, palibhasa malayo sila sa magulang nila. buti nga pinayagan pa kong mag-org eh. pero nung minsang mag-sem ender kami sa calatagan, may narinig ako later on na na-realize ko hindi pala sila whole-hearted na payag. hah! non ko nga lang ginawa yon eh, me kasama pa nga kaming mga prof at pamilyadong brod at sis. tapos na nga exams ko non, looking forward to summer practicum na. kainis di ba.

maalala ko yang practicum na yan. nong nag-fill out ako ng UPCAT form, tinanong ko yung nanay ko kung ano'ng first choice ko, kung diliman tapos lb, or lb tapos visayas. although nung time na yon, desidido talaga ako na mag-lb kasi desidido na rin ako sa applied math. hindi naman sa pagmamayabang, pero kung pinili ko siguro mag ECE sa diliman noon eh papasa rin pala ang UPG ko. shempre gusto ko rin maniguro di ba, me mga batchmate nga ako nag-visayas ng 1 year tapos tsaka bumalik ng lb. sabi ba naman sakin, wag na daw ako mag-2nd choice! at eto pa, papayagan lang daw nila ako mag-diliman kunyari kung 1-2 sems lang or summer. ayun, nangyari nga practicum lang ako nakaranas mag-boarding house. dun pa sa kaopisina ng nanay ko.

naalala ko yung laging tanong sa kin nung isang bestfriend ko nung di pa kami madalas magkita. pag kinakamusta nya yung lovelife ko at sasabihin kong "ganun pa rin," aba, mega react sha. bakit? wala ka bang nakikilala? wala ba sa opisina nyo? ok ka naman ah, blah blah blah. haaaay, sa totoo lang nakakarindi! e pano ba ako magkaka-love life, opisina-bahay lang ako nun. hindi ako niyayaya gumimik ng mga kaopisina ko dahil mahirap umuwi, malayo. yung mga barkada ko rin, kailangan planado kung kanino ako makikitulog. pano ka naman magiging close sa mga tao nyan, o kaya makakilala ng ibang tao? kaya tuloy nung nag-dorm ako dito sa manila, hanap ako ng hanap ng gimik.

e ngayon. matapos kong mag-enjoy ng tatlong taon dito sa manila, balik na naman ako sa bahay namin. pahirapan na naman. buti nga ngayon 9 na ang last trip sa landmark, at least pwede naman akong mag-dinner man lang. pag nahuli pa rin, antayin ko na yung 10.30 galing sa cubao. pero sa totoo lang, nakakapagod rin yon. at shempre, nakakatakot. kung kasabay ko naman yung tita ko, mamadaliin naman akong umuwi kasi nakikisabay lang ako. kaya nga madalas nagpapaiwan na lang ako kasi nakakasawa rin masermunan pag napag-aantay ko sila.

so ano bang point nito? wala, nagrereklamo lang ako. kung tutuusin, napaka-petty lang naman ng reklamo ko eh. hindi naman talaga tayo nabuhay para gumimik araw-araw di ba. kaya lang shempre, kung ano yung wala sa yo yun ang lagi mong hinahanap. eh ako pa naman, parang sobrang sensitive ako pag pinag-usapan yung pagkakaroon ng barkada. basta maramdaman ko na hindi ako "in", sobrang apektado ako. kaya tuloy pag di ako nakakasama sa mga lakad, or pipiliin ko na lang na huwag sumama, umaabot talaga sa point na masama ang loob ko.

minsan tuloy naiisip ko hanggang kailan ako susunod sa pamilya ko. sa ngayon, me katwiran naman talaga kasi dependent pa rin ako sa kanila. tsaka dahil na rin sa pagmamahal ko sa kanila, hinahayaan ko rin na masunod ko ang gusto nila. lalo na ngayon, ginusto ko rin na umuwi na sa bahay kasi ayoko dumating yung araw na magsisisi ako na hindi ko napagsilbihan yung lola ko. marami na akong naging desisyon na dahil sa pamilya. ganon naman talaga di ba? madalas nga, yung mga simpleng bagay di ko na pinaaabot pa sa kanila. ako na mismo ang nagse-censor ng ano pa ang makakarating sa kanila.

pero sa totoo lang, ang hirap matutong maging independent pag lahat ng tao me pakialam sa yo.