we'll never feel bad anymore

i only dare imagine.

past midnight. edsa. on your way home. stereo on full volume.

you spent the last few hours with the people who come first in your life -- your best friends. you've been talked out, sleepy, but high on caffeine. you're tired, but you don't want the night to end.

you've run out of excuses, so you head home. cruising on the highway. everything that happened is replayed in your mind. knowing little else gives you this kind of contentment.

it will happen once or twice in your lifetime. thrice if you're lucky.

i don't drive, so i can only imagine. nevertheless, the feeling is hardly made-up.

when you're on a holiday
you can't find the words to say
all the things that come to you
and i wanna feel it too

on an island in the sun
we'll be playing and having fun
and it makes me feel so fine
i can't control my brain

when you're on a golden sea
you don't need no memory
just a place to call your own
as we drift into the zone

on an island in the sun
we'll be playing and having fun
and it makes me feel so fine
i can't control my brain

we'll run away together
we'll spend some time forever
we'll never feel bad anymore

we'll never feel bad anymore

-- weezer, island in the sun

ode to youth

of birthdays and the days in between

october 19th. the eve of my 23rd birthday. we were all there waiting. so many excuses. finally you did come, and you made our day.

december 4th. ces' 20th birthday. we all piled into frank's car, which was still in its original paintwork, and headed to your house to fetch you. your city was a fun place to get lost in, when you're young and with friends you love.

november 20th. two days before frank's 20th birthday. i decided to cut out and run because i can't decide between frank's party and ness's party. so while i was wearing out my feet in hongkong, you were having a blast at the mall and frank's house.

one day in june. i'm sure it wasn't on the day of your 20th birthday. we spent a whole day at your house, met your parents and siblings, conducted some semblance of a workshop, and headed to the theater to see the controversial rosanna roces movie.

november 22nd. frank's 23rd birthday. you might say everyone who was anyone was there, except the one who i would've expected to be there. where were you? i didn't find out until much later.

december 8th. four days after ces celebrated her 23rd. i was worried about what my folks would say about getting home late, but it didn't matter. it was the last time i would see you, and you didn't even know it.

june 17th. you would have been 27 today. sometimes i wonder if our ties would be much stronger if we were given a chance to build them. maybe it's just our fate to have a few bittersweet memories to share. maybe we needed to wake up and stop being complacent. life is too short to waste wishing for something better.

can we still be friends?

dear sir: i know you. you are the bane of my existence. you come into my life, once in a while, when i least expect it. or i can see you coming, but i say, "bring it on!" sometimes you don't call my bluff, but sometimes you do. and now that you have, i want to get rid of you. you've proven your mettle. you can not be commanded like a common soldier. i am your slave. i am at your mercy. so there. yours, etc.

dear miss: i am not out to prove anything. i just am. so please drink your gallons of water and dope up with vitamin c. maybe in a week's time you'll be ok. but that i cannot promise, nor can i decide. i just am. sincerely, mr. cold virus.

---

it amazes me sometimes how i got myself surrounded by a motley group of friends. people are supposed to be different from one another, but the whole point of having friends is that we get connected by a common interest. apart from that, even my closest buddies are much, much different from me. i could count off all the ways my best friends are distinct from me and even among themselves, but it will take me the whole night. is that also the reason why we stick to them? because we live vicariously through other people? when we aren't capable of being something, we have someone who can do it for us. i don't know about the others, but that's what i do. because living my own life, while not exactly the worst lot in the world, can be pretty boring after 5 minutes.

---

mandy moore isn't my favorite singer in the world, and she's not in the same league as, say, nicole kidman in the acting department. but i was impressed with her gamble of a third album, a collection of rare covers (aptly titled coverage). this entry's title is one of the reasons i was so into this album. she also does a mean cover of joe jackson's breaking us in two, while lei swears by cat steven's moonshadow. or was it senses working overtime?

you are what you wear

how ominous can a shirt be?

early this afternoon i was watching the tube for sightings of hale. the band performed broken sonnet live on a.s.a.p. and right after, i saw the vid of the day you said goodnight at myx. then i saw parokya ni edgar's plug for their celebrity vj slot, specifically the opm myx (i think) slot this coming week. darius was chosen to be the spokesperson for this spot. after watching the ad several times i finally noticed some of the details, and one surprised me a heck of a lot. darius was wearing a dubista shirt!

a few minutes later, i chanced upon mtv siesta hosted by this guy called john joe. his guests on the show is a hindu-esque act so i got a little confused whether this was really an mtv pilipinas segment. and then i saw it again. john joe has on a blue shirt with the word urbandub in yellow. the same one darius was wearing. what the...?

unable to come to terms with my envy, i told mike all about it. and guess what? he also has his own dubista shirt, given by his colleague who was singularly responsible for making us fans of this band. d-oh!

one day i'll get my own dubista shirt, count on it. just you wait.

---

along with hale i also saw parokya perform at asap with andrew e. i guessed right away that they were going to do okatokat/humanap ka ng panget, which they had performed with great success in the inuman sessions gig. this one could have been good, too, if not for 1) lack of rehearsal time with andrew e (they were losing each other in parts), and 2) carlos agassi. enough said.

get to know me

when a person doesn't understand what's really inside him, self-help guides are manna from heaven.

got this one by email, heaven knows how they come up with this fluff. but i say, "what the heck?" and delve into my inner chaos. explain away...

Get a shock when you read about yourself. (read the whole thing)
IF you were born on the :
1st, 10th, 19th, 28th of any month you are number 1.
2nd, 11th, 20th, 29th of any month then you are number 2.
3rd, 12th, 21st, 30th of any month then you are number 3.
4th, 13th, 22nd, 31st of any month then you are Number 4.
5th, 14th, 23rd of any month then you are number 5.
6th, 15th, 24th of any month then you are number 6.
7th, 16th, 25th of any month then you are number 7.
8th, 17th, 26th of any month then you are number 8.
9th, 18th, 27th of any month then you are number 9.
...
Number 2
No matter what, every one will love you because you are ruled by the Moon. You day dream a lot, you have a very low-self esteem, you need to have a back up for every move in your life, you are very unpredictable. You tend to change according to time and circumstances, selfish, have a very strong sense of musical and artistic talent and powerful verbal communication. You can be sweet as an angel and can be ruthless when double-crossed. Some might say you have a sixth sense. You will become a poet, writer, an artist or a businessperson. You are not strong in love, so your relationship will be in disarray until you settle down. If you are a girl, you will be responsible for your family. If you are a man, you tend to get involve in fights & arguments in the family. You will sacrifice your life for your family. You are gentle, intuitive with a broad vision. You make a well-balanced person. Your best match is 2, 7, 5, and 9 no other people can put up with you!!!

okay, let's take this one by one.

• really, everyone loves me? i find it hard to believe. i would think i'm the person that most people wouldn't care two figs about, until they really get to know me.
• yes, i daydream a lot. like, all the time. i'm living outside my life, if you get what i mean.
• oh, i so have low self-esteem. isn't it obvious, or have you not been reading the last two bullets?
• i am a mathematician by nature, and a finance person at that. conservatives. go figure. (pun not intended.)
• unpredictable? you tell me. on second thought, i guess i am inconsistent. it depends on so many factors that i don't care to control. i am reactive.
• selfish? oh, definitely.
• musical talent is the one gift i have not been giving the time of day. maybe because of bullet 3 and 5. as for art, i just like looking at nice pictures.
• if writing a blog is verbal communication, my friends tell me i'm good at it. it's true (that they told me), promise. however, public speaking and presentation is another matter.
• yeah, i'm sweet i guess. i like making people feel good, if i'm not in a contrary mood that is. but when i'm crossed, i'm such a chicken.
• my mom told me once that i have very good intuition. she said that the things i take for granted as products of an over-active imagination are really indications of sharp observation and some super-natural sensitivity. as for me, i just don't want to be too disappointed when things don't turn out the way i think they are, so i tend to ignore them.
• no, i am not a poet, a writer, an artist, or a businessperson. i am a bum. who happens to have found employment.
• so i'll have a love life when i finally settle down? how queer is that? it's like a loveless marriage then love just barges in, like in the romance novels i love to read. duh.
• one of the private jokes in my family is that i'll have to take care of my parents and my mom's three unmarried siblings when they get old. scary.
• gentle, intuitive, broad vision? whatever.
• well-balanced person? hah.

about yourself

Get a shock when you read about yourself.

IF you were born on the :

1st, 10th, 19th, 28th of any month you are number 1.

2nd, 11th, 20th, 29th of any month then you are number 2.

3rd, 12th, 21st, 30th of any month then you are number 3.

4th, 13th, 22nd, 31st of any month then you are Number 4.

5th, 14th, 23rd of any month then you are number 5.

6th, 15th, 24th of any month then you are number 6.

7th, 16th, 25th of any month then you are number 7.

8th, 17th, 26th of any month then you are number 8.

9th, 18th, 27th of any month then you are number 9.

Number 1

You are smart, a straight talker, funny, stubborn, hardworking, honest, jealous on a competitive basis, kind hearted, temperamental, friendly, and popular. You always want to be on the top and most likely to be independent. You are most likely to fall in love at a young age, but will marry once you mature! You are likely to have problems with people who have opposite views and you are most likely to take revenge over your enemies in a long time basis. You are a spender, but you will have a good profession in the future. If you are guy you will be very popular. You can go anywhere from the local shop to the heart of the parliament because you are positive and talented in numerous areas. But in your life you will always have some people who will work hard to bring you & your name down. Because of your intelligence, some might hate you. You are a pioneer, independent & original your best match is 4,6,8 while a good match would be with 3,5,7

Number 2

No matter what, every one will love you because you are ruled by the Moon. You day dream a lot, you have a very low-self esteem, you need to have a back up for every move in your life, you are very unpredictable. You tend to change according to time and circumstances, selfish, have a very strong sense of musical and artistic talent and powerful verbal communication. You can be sweet as an angel and can be ruthless when double-crossed. Some might say you have a sixth sense. You will become a poet, writer, an artist or a businessperson. You are not strong in love, so your relationship will be in disarray until you settle down. If you are a girl, you will be responsible for your family. If you are a man, you tend to get involve in fights & arguments in the family. You will sacrifice your life for your family. You are gentle, intuitive with a broad vision. You make a well-balanced person. Your best match is 2, 7, 5, and 9 no other people can put up with you!!!

Number 3

You are hardhearted and selfish most of the time. You always tend to have lots of problems within your family in the early stages but you will be able to cope with everything. You seem to have your way in everything. And from birth you would always have to work hard to achieve anything you want. You always make a point to set examples on others, especially the younger ones. Generally you are not a cool person. It's not easy dealing with you. A tough player you are! But once you are comfortable with someone, it will be a lasting friendship. You always earn respect from others. Your Ilk seems to have lots of worries and problems but they won't be for long. You will have brilliant kids! You love money a bit too much so temptation will push you to try endlessly. You will look after your family and help friends, so you will spend a life time just being generous and kind (except for men born on the 21st). You love your freedom, creative and ambitious, a person who brings beauty, hope & joy to this world!!! Your best match 6 and 9. Good match 1, 3, and 5

Number 4

You are very stubborn, very hard working but unlucky in important matters in life, very cool and helpful. You might repel people away from you, you may cause nuisance to others if you area man, as you gifted are with understanding other people's problems. If you are a girl, you excel in your studies and arts. If you are a guy you spend most of your time with girl friends and you tend to have too much fun with your mates & girls. Your friends will spend your time & money and get on with their life and you will be left empty handed. So be careful! You love to spend. Your positive side is that you are always around to help family and friends. You always fall in love with those younger than you. You often live with disappointments but you will take good care of your family. You need to be careful of people who will take advantage of your kind heart. And beware of your relationships too. You are radical, patient, persistent, and a hit old-fashioned; you live with foundation & order. Your best match 1, 8. Good match 5, 6, and 7

Number 5

You are very popular and you can get things done only by talking. Even to your enemies! You are business-minded and like to do things spontaneously. You will be famous if you get involved in any business. Your friends and families will always ask for your help, and you are the one actually with the money to help your friends. You will have more than one relationship, but when you settle down you tend to be selfish. You tend to go for other relationships - even if you are married at times because of your popularity. You tend to get along easily with anyone because the numbers is a middle number. You love freedom and changes. You learn your life through your personal experiences. Your best match 1, 2, Good match 6, 8.

Number 6

Ooopppss.. you were born to enjoy! You don't care about others. I mean you always wanted to have a lifetime of enjoyment. You will excel in either education or business management! You are talented, kind (but with only people who you think are nice), and popular. All good things come easily to you. Your mind and body is just made perfect for love. You are loveable by any number. But if you are a number 6 men, you will be involved in more than a few relationships until you get married. If you are a girl, most of you will get married/engaged early. You are a caring person towards your family and friends. You are a person of compassion, comfort & fairness, domestic responsibility, good judgment, and after all you can heal this world's wounds to make peace for everyone because you have the great power and caring talent to take the world of love one step further.. Your best match 7, 6, and 9. Good match 4, 5

Number 7

You are realistic, confident, happy, and talented in education, music, art, singing, and most importantly in acting. You also have a bad temper! You value your family status a lot; you will be in the top rank when you reach a certain age. If you are a guy you are popular with girls. Most of the number 7s face lots of problems with their married life. Only a few are happy. You have everything in your life but with worries throughout your lifetime. You need to get ready looking for a partner rather than waiting. If you don't, then you might end-up being single. You are born to contribute to everyone's joy. Your best match is 2. Good matches are 1,4

Number 8

You have a very strong personality and people will find it hard to understand you. You are more likely to suffer in your younger years. You might be also the one responsible to look out for your family. You often suffer all the way through life. You will learn life in a very practical way. You are the one who will fight for justice and may even die in the war too. You are normally very reserved with a handful of friends and most of the time, live life alone and always prepared to help others. However, once you settle down, (which is often late), then your had lucks will disappear. You will face unexpected problems such as encountering poisonous animals, and accidents. You are highly- disciplined, persistence, and courageous, and it is your strength that will take you to success. You are a great part of a family team. You are a fighter! Your Best match 1. 4, and 8. Good match 5

Number 9

You guys are the most incompatible people in the world. You are so strong, physically and mentally. You often have big-aims. You will work hard and will think it's still hard to get there, even if you already have gotten there! Normally you suffer in the early age from family problems and generally you will have to fight in life. You are respected by others. You were however very naughty in your childhood, and often got beaten up by your parents and had been involved in fights and you seemed to have suffered lots of injuries. But when you grow older you become calm and will fall into the quiet and dignified macho type. Love is not an easy matter for you. You are however good in engineering or banking jobs because people always trust you. Your family life is very good, but you will always worry over your children. Your finer qualities are that you are humanitarian, patient, very wise & compassionate. You are born to achieve targets and serve every one equally without any prejudice. You are a role model for everyone. Your best match 3, 5,6, and 9. Good match 2

---

just chillin

saturday night is party night. but for now, it's all in my head.

i've been taking full advantage of my gprs connection and vegetating in front of my pc for, like, hours. really can't get enough of internet. i'm so addicted.

i'm also addicted to my windows media player. version ten. my officemates swear by apple's i tunes, maybe i'll take their advice when i get my own mac. for now, wmp is just fine, and i've gotten so used to it.

and when you're surfing, great background music guarantees hours and hours of virtual entertainment. over the last few weeks i've been so fixated on mp3 downloading, i even tried to trade links a couple of times. here are the choice tracks i've been keeping in my playlist tonight:

garbage -- bleed like me (album)
garbage -- special
plumb -- stranded
jennifer paige -- stranded (plumb cover)
lemonheads -- into your arms
lemonheads -- it's about time
everything but the girl -- my house is in my head unless it rains
everything but the girl -- cross my heart
everything but the girl -- rollercoaster
the cardigans -- rise and shine
the cardigans -- carnival (including acoustic version)
barenaked ladies -- call and answer
foo fighters -- big me
jimmy eat world -- last christmas

---

last night i watched mr. & mrs. smith with a bunch of friends. it's a good movie, flawed in parts, and very entertaining. though i found that i got tired after watching. all that action i suppose. or maybe my legs got tense because my handbag was too heavy and most of the time it was on my lap. grrrrr.

---

gee, i wonder how much my cellphone bill is now? don't think i wanna know.

the stars and the signs

the castle meets the big top (and a carful of clowns)

my friendster horoscope for today:

Today's Forecast

You're the ringleader, so round up the lion-tamer, the carful of clowns and the randoms in the spangled suits, and get this circus under way. Think big under your own personal big top.

The Bottom Line

You've got high hopes, and that's what counts. Examine how to make those big plans come to fruition.

In Detail

Go ahead and build some castles in the air. With the way things are going, those castles will have
solid foundations and a bed in every tower before long. The stars give you the thumbs-up on any long term plans you are brewing up in that head of yours right now, so don't be afraid to dream -- and dream big. Why stop at a few turrets on your castle? Why not add a three-barge moat and some errant knights riding around the place?

horoscopes are not the end-all and be-all of my usually uneventful life. but i love reading them and coming up with stuff that match what they tell. this one is singularly good (and funny). i wonder how my day matches up to the promise? don't think i'll consciously take on the role of ringleader, though i feel i usually do.

... i especially loved the phrase "carful of clowns". makes me think of a brightly painted vwbug (aka kotseng kuba). philosophically speaking, aren't we all clowns in this life?

---

damn i'm so goofy today, i forgot to include this joint horoscope with a friend of mine:

In this world, things evolve or they become obsolete, and that goes double for relationships. So if it seems like your friendship is changing shape in ways both obvious and not-so-obvious, don't freak out. Most importantly, don't try to pretend that those changes aren't occurring -- there's nothing more damaging than living in the past. Take a moment to see the situation as it really is, unclouded by your emotions, hopes and fears. Things usually change for the better -- when you let them. Remember that.

staying alive (the morning after)

what happens when you pull an all-nighter, with none of the results you were aiming for to begin with.

it's back to reality.

i got to work late again, for the second straight day. though the guard here at the office offers consolation whenever i complain ("ma'am, officer ka naman eh"), i really dislike being late for work. i do try to compensate by staying the whole nine hours, but it's a bit hypocritical when it was my fault in the first place.

---

so i stayed up until 3 this morning. big deal. the other night i fell asleep waiting for my roommate to finish with the bathroom, so obviously i accomplished nothing. last night i managed to tweak what little i have of my paper, but i got preoccupied with backing up my mobile phones. however, my biggest accomplishment was not my paper, but finally getting internet access through gprs. yippee! i can now check email, friendster, and my blog at my convenience anytime and anywhere through my underutilized globe plan, using my laptop. no need to be limited by the library hours at agsb, though i would still love to go there because of the connection speed. and i wouldn't be at the mercy of the sky-high hourly rates at my neighborhood 24-hour internet cafe. plus, i would be spared from endless scrolling when i use my phone gprs. i am so happy, i can almost imitate tom cruise on oprah. almost.

this is one instance when a bunch of bad decisions work out after all.

---

i started late last night because i met up with roge and ness at galleria earlier. i felt a bit guilty about not putting my strama first in my life, but when did i ever? so i decided i might as well go, and to paraphrase stephen covey, i also wanted to invest in my emotional bank account especially with roge. (or did i just feel coerced? just kidding, roge!) we had a great time window shopping, eating at chef d'angelo and chatting over coffee at starbucks. we were reluctant to end the night, but it's a workday and reality should be faced eventually.

---

i'm in lss (last song syndrome) mode again, and my song of the moment is stranded by plumb. but what i want to hear now is the jennifer paige version, which is the first i heard of the song. of course i'd prefer to get an mp3 copy (hint, hint) but for now i'll try to bug the guys over at klite... anyway that's where i heard this song in the first place.

i'm crashing like a tidal wave

you know it only breaks my heart
to see you standing in the dark alone
waiting there for me to come back
i'm too afraid to show

if it's coming over you
like it's coming over me
i'm crashing like a tidal wave
that drags me out to sea
and i wanna be with you
and you wanna be with me
i'm crashing like a tidal wave
and i don't wanna be
stranded

i can only take so much
these tears are turning me to rust
i know you're waiting there for me to come back
i'm too afraid to show

if it's coming over you
like it's coming over me
i'm crashing like a tidal wave
that drags me out to sea
and i wanna be with you
and you wanna be with me
i'm crashing like a tidal wave
and i don't wanna be
stranded

i miss you, i need you
without you, i'm stranded
i love you so come back
i'm not afraid to show

if it's coming over you
like it's coming over me
i'm crashing like a tidal wave
that drags me out to sea
and i wanna be with you
and you wanna be with me
i'm crashing like a tidal wave
and i don't wanna be
stranded

oh baby i miss you
oh baby i need you
oh baby i love you
so baby come back

-- plumb, stranded

huwag mo nang itanong

date: 09 june 2005 (thursday). time: 2.50 a.m. what the heck am i doing staying up till the wee hours?

---

finally! i've got my internet over gprs working! thanks to a few hours tinkering with my 3230, pc suite 6.5 and my trusty laptop (which would have been better used editing my strama background -- sheesh!), i am now on my way to internet freedom! can't forget my new mobile phone plan... ooops! the smart gprs configured in my office mobile (a 6600, so technically unreliable) wouldn't work. for that matter, gprs over bluetooth wouldn't work. so i relied on my globe connection and my data cable, incidentally from my aunt's 7610 (tenkyu ene!).

so after that techie outburst, i just meant that i'm doing this in the safety of my room and not in my suking internet cafe at makati ave. now i have proven that globe does make great things possible. and i won't be hankering for a blackberry in the near future.

---

i've been trying to make some headway for my paper, which is why i'm still up. but heaven knows, that's not why i managed to stay awake. pretty soon i'll have to go back to my open word documents, and my radio station will eventually lose its appeal as the hour hand approaches 6. the wisdom of staying up late has been debated over and over in my head, especially in the aftermath. but even if this is the worst time to get an insomnia hangover, *you gotta do what you gotta do*.

---

guess i have to thank the dj for at least playing great songs, like this eraserheads track from cutterpillow.

i refuse to fall in love

I refuse to fall in love again. I understand the overwhelming reaction it provokes on anyone it touches, which only reminds me that situations of intense hatred are not all that far removed from intense love. They are strong, driving and powerful – which makes them dangerous.

Don’t get me wrong I have nothing against love. My cynicism has not been totally hacked away, but chipped chunks of it permit some glimmer of light to shine through. Love is beautiful… love is sublime. Love is the greatest inexplicable feeling of all. All too true, but perhaps, meant only for other people. Not I. Not just yet anyway.

It isn’t that I’m obtuse, as much as I know that love can make people do things they wouldn’t normally do. Love has a way of taking you out of yourself and making you dedicate yourself to another, who may or may not respond in kind. Love is also a very disruptive experience. All your life you walk alone then all of the sudden somebody comes along and shakes all that. All this is what I find formidable - the power of the unknown. I have not been unloved, and I am not a total stranger to the feeling. I know how it feels to fall in love – the exultant euphoria of coming across a special stranger who touches something deep within you. Perhaps that is what I fear – to lose control to another human being like that, knowing all too well how fallible human beings are despite love; it is an unsettling prospect at best. Whenever I feel the pangs of stirring affection, the full of heady attraction, of the aching pain of missing someone of whom I am very fond of, it is not long before I stop myself and hold back, creating a safe distance, an impasse from which I can view this intruder with a cool, detached critical eye, not driven and blinded by wild, unreliable passion. I will myself to drift away – “I can live without this person” is what I often tell myself – in order to prevent the other from overwhelming me. Because I know that when I fall – I fall hard. And, if I fall again – I’ll fall harder. Which only make me hold back all the more. That is, keep everything to myself… silently.

Is it selfish to relinquish the “I” for an unassured “WE”? Perhaps, but when it has taken too long to find that “I”, one cannot entirely put to task for wanting to cherish the treasure of self longer than usual. At this point, I cannot gamble myself the self I sought for so long for the promise of a “YOU” and “I”; what guarantee is there that the other will not simply take my heart and stomp on it? Love gives no guarantee, and trust that is needed to bridge this uncertainty is perhaps what gives love its luster. But I have never been one easily given to trust, and therefore taking the leap into love is not an easy decision to make for me. Others plunge in with nary a second thought. They are not I.

Perhaps this primal insecurity only speaks of immaturity, and hence the inability to love, truly love. For mature or being in-love is one that does not seek fulfillment in the other, nor dependence, but rather, the mutual understanding and exchange of love connecting only to themselves.

Then, maybe then… when I am ready and bold enough to risk my heart again in asking the same promise which brought me to grief… IT COULD BE THE LAST.

---

i forwarded this essay (author unknown -- i don't even remember how i got it) to a friend of mine, at a time when we were both dealing with questions and heartache. everyone must have gone through the same thing when falling in love -- the denial, pain, anguish, and finally, hope. when you think of it, this falling-in-love business should already go smoothly, with the wealth of experience since the beginning of time that can be used for reference. it should go like clockwork, and processes should have been defined (imagine falling in love documented in an ISO manual). but the differences that make us into individual beings are a big factor, and each distinct experience become vastly different from others just because the person is different.

novices find it hard to take the plunge, because of fear of the unknown. but people with experience are wary of getting hurt as well, because they have been hurt before. or if not, they want the real thing next time, and are scared to risk time and effort for something that might not be worth it.

so, now what?

words of wisdom, part 2

from hiram:
love is something that is offered to you and for you to accept. if it is swept away by the wind it may never come back to you... it will be caught by someone else. you only realize the value of it when it's lost.

from gabby:
in this world, we can never have everything we want. so let's be happy with what we have as of now.

from me:
pride goeth before the fall.

from me, again:
a declaration of love does not a relationship make.

from the devil on my right shoulder:
stop blabbing such nonsense. get on with your life already.

when i meet my match

i visited batjay's blog today, just for the heck of it. i don't think i'll ever get to read all the posts he's ever written since he started. but even if my neck is painful from stiffness, i can't seem to get enough of him. he and his wife jet are very, very good. mike says he and his honey read their blogs often. but that isn't what this post is about.

one of batjay's posts has this title, which happens to be one of the classic lines from when harry met sally:

when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

i wish the rest of my life would start right now.

tunnel vision

i found out today that it was the birthday of a favorite officemate. i like her a lot because there aren't many people around that i feel i'm on the same plane with, even if we are different in many aspects. we're the same age, we have similar taste in music and books, we're both on the other side of the kikay meter... we even go to the same gym (though not at the same time). when you meet that kind of person, especially in the office where most people are too different from you, it can feel like going back to those care free days.

it was a bit coincidental that she's in my mind a lot these days, because she just lent me her copy of harry potter and the order of the phoenix. i've wanted to read the series for a long time but i only got as far as book one and book two (which i saw on tv). now i'm so attached to the book that i bring it everywhere. i had to stop myself from reading it during work hours! that's the way i am when i'm fixated on a book. a good book is my waterloo. i can never rest until i finish it. even to the extent of staying up the whole night just to get to the end.

i can just imagine what i'm gonna do once i get home. i'll be chatting with my housemates for a bit, maybe finish off my macaroni salad. get dressed in my jammies and turn up the radio. i'm set for my marathon reading night.

(huh? strama? what strama?)

blowing hot and cold

the weather of the last few weeks has been so inconsistent, to the point of being predictable. hot, hot days and nights sprinkled with pockets of thunderstorms (large raindrops and all). looking out the window, you wouldn't know that the atmosphere was the extreme opposite only a few minutes ago.

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i tried to think of reasons why i love summer. it would have been better if i had been in college, even high school, when summer meant long vacation. idle days in front of the tv or pc. nights spent reading in bed until the wee hours. nowadays it just meant having rain-free weather for weeks. i'm not big on going to beaches, so it doesn't really matter. but i do love an opportunity to wear my shades for long periods of time.

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this summer, however, has been bordering on hellish. i don't mind a warmer-than-usual climate, but this year i can't help being reminded by the blast of heat on my face. every time i complained i keep thinking that i never complained before. or if i did, it was merely to commisserate. this time it was for real.

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i wasn't much happier with the rain, though. bracing yourself for both the heat and the cold is a bit confusing. just this morning i felt silly waking up in the bus wearing my beloved pair of dark sunglasses while the rain was pouring outside. and merely an hour ago the early morning sun promised blinding light.

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the soft patter of rain in the wee hours is my favorite companion. whether engrossed in a book (romance novels are best) or pouring my heart out through free verse and prose, rain seems to lend a different persepective. wallowing in loneliness and despair is never more effective.

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strange how odd we think of brits because of their preoccupation with the weather. they may have stumbled on something there that we remain ignorant of.