first day high

so. in another attempt to pursue unfinished business after, well, finishing graduate school, i am embarking on a four-month journey to a healthier body.

i'll come driving as fast as wheels can turn

in my post-strama to-do list i toyed with the idea of resuming the actuarial track, and i finally took the first step. in another incarnation of the list, i noted another item that needed immediate attention: driving lessons.

after 15 years, i'm finally doing it.

i've finished 6 of the contracted 10 hours of lessons. and i'm proud to have survived slex exit traffic last saturday, and going 60 kph on the national highway yesterday, with no liabilities. all that's left is practice, practice, and more practice. cross-fingers.

this doesn't mean that i'm no longer scared of getting involved in a traffic skirmish, especially if traffic police is involved. *shudder*

theme song: eraserheads, overdrive. linlin and i couldn't help but look at each other when ely sang that very appropriate line during 030709:

plis, plis lang turuan nyo akong mag-drive
gusto kong matutong mag-drive (kahit na wala akong kotse)
gusto kong matutong mag-drive (kahit na walang lisensya)

thirty days

other people would be hung up on their age. never me. but with time passing rapidly and the days till i hit the magic number decreasing at warp speed, i find that i am way too obsessed with age. although for my part, it's the regret that i'll be without an excuse to stay immature. because somehow, hitting that big 3-0 comes with a certain... something that behaving in a manner less than responsibly will seem like an insult to the wisdom that comes with age.

---

i have always deplored my tendency for inaction. (if there's any consolation, i don't have to be bitter about grad school anymore, because i finished.) but i feel like i missed out on so many things that i could have done. some are little things, that are more like way-of-life as opposed to single events. like, i'm not fully exploring career options. or, i've not gone out on gimiks with friends more often. i've not gone out more often, more like. and there's that delaying the driving lessons thing. and that whole hoopla on love and relationships. i've barely scratched the surface of twentysomething independence, and it's being taken away from me.

maybe the reason i'm thinking too much about the implications of the impending birthday is that too many things are coming to a head all at the same time. i just finished grad school, so no more reason to put everything else on hold. reorg at the office made me think more than twice on my career direction, and whether i still wanted to hang on or finally let it go. then, losing the guilt over grad school should have been my ticket to doing more of the things i wanted to try. and i'm feeling a deadline because it's a little less becoming to stay at home dreaming when i should be mature enough to take action.

the point is, i'm not ready to be thirty.

but there's nothing i can do about it.

i'm too old to be this confused

moodswings are weird. only yesterday morning i was lighthearted, but it seems the events that transpired since then have given me much food for thought. today, i struggle with the confusion that has stuck with me over the last few weeks.

i thought finishing graduate school will help me at least get an idea where i'm going. months after everything has been settled, i find that i have no fricking idea where to go from here. i still feel underqualified for anything. more to the point, i have no inkling at all what kind of work i'm suited for.

i don't know why i won't give up my actuarial career track. my knowledge isn't even current. but just like the scraps of paper i still keep in memento boxes, i can't seem to let it go even if i know i won't make it to fellowship.

on the other hand, career change is scary. i've long wanted to work in UN, but again, i don't know what exactly i'm suited for. it's times like these that i envy my former officemate, who decided to shift to another career four years ago. i could have done it then, too - we were in the same boat - but i was too scared to make the first move.

i've always been the wait-and-see sort of person. almost everything i do has been thought out and debated on at least a hundred times. but there have been instances that i could have acted with haste and gotten better results (hindsight is always 20-20). i'm betting this is one of those times.

finally

yesterday was my graduation day. after six years of bluffing my way through, with three of those years devoted to the struggle that is my strategic management paper, i finally got my degree. and if i wanted to, i have the right to add those three letters to the end of my name.

i didn't have major problems during the graduation ceremony itself, except for my academic gown almost choking me and my cap weighing about as heavy as an anvil. no missteps or major boo-boos. but it was the other stuff surrounding my graduation that gave me major headaches. after i finally submitted my paper, which was late, there was the clearance (an issue i'd rather not discuss). then not knowing if i made the cut, because according to the rules, i should have submitted my paper earlier (though i had the defense before the deadline). then finding the right dress, where normal dress-shopping is already a traumatic experience. then, after the ceremony, it was as if our trusty '94 civic was on strike. just as we were ready to leave, dad discovered the battery was discharged, so we had to have a replacement delivered. then, on our way home, we landed on a massive pothole on the slex and got a running flat. imagine all of that accompanied by heavy rainfall.

i hope to write about all the different details soon. the subject matter from the speeches during the ceremony were inspiring, though not enough to spur me to write extensively. i'll try to get back on my feet in a couple of days.

made of what?

i just finished watching made of honour on my ipod. i was supposed to see it on the big screen with a friend from work, but fate intervened and the girlbonding got busted.

okay, i wasn't expecting too much from the movie. but for some reason i got really kilig afterward. (so maybe someone should provide bad reviews to me for films that i wanted to enjoy. heheheh.) anyway, i just can't help but be sad about my own (lack of) love life. yes, i know it's not the end-all and be-all of my existence. it doesn't define me. i'm quite happy being my own mistress. i'm not mature enough to handle a relationship. the right guy will come along at the right time.

what a load of b.s.

i'm definitely not wishing for a serial one-night stand player like patrick dempsey's character. i don't even wish for someone as good-looking as him (but it wouldn't hurt). actually, i don't know what i really want. but at this age, i feel like i'm losing out on the whole experience. i don't even go out much with other people, just the people who i know well (and there are no prospects there). i mean, how can i follow bo sanchez's advice of going out on friendly dates, when i don't have dates to begin with? *sigh*

yes, i know i sound so bitter; worse, i don't seem to be doing anything about it. so what do i do?

housekeeping

just one day short of my first month on last.fm, i'm doing some cleaning up. in fact, i'm writing this post while taking a break from deleting scrobbles. there can only be so many plays of foo fighters' the pretender that i can honestly admit to. i don't think i can own up to having 700+ plays of the foos on my ipod since i bought the ipod, let alone since i joined last.fm. but i'm getting tired of the intense mouse-work deleting entails. we shall see.

i wonder, since i've finally re-synced my ipod with the itunes, if the multiple scrobbles will stop. again, we shall see.

i've also been organizing my 80gb disk over the last few days. though i've actually been adding files more than deleting them. which probably means i'll be using the wd my passport pretty soon.

email inbox has been a bit busy, with a few missives from my classmate on graduation-related activities: getting the cap and gown, paying for the grad fee and the alumni fee and the yearbook, getting photos taken. i thought my multiple strama enrollments made the biggest dent in my (parents') pockets; defense and graduation seem to be coming in at close second. hay, just to get a degree...

speaking of classmates, spent wednesday evening with girlfriends from strama (and also the prof) at redbox. all part of my vow to enjoy my life after strama. except that there's still that teensy problem of going home late and catching the last trip. and me wishing i still have a place in manila. wonder what i'll do if i had to go on "dates". if that ever happens.

finally, i'm still struggling with the "read more" modification here at blogger. not that i've already tried it, but i'm thinking of the 200 posts that i'll have to modify as well to set the viewing right. oh whatever. basically the internet's too slow here and at the office for me to really work on it. i think i'd do better just sorting through my mba things this weekend. time to throw out some trash. and me a hoarder. what fun.

current playlist:

mariah carey, touch my body. i love the video, which features the geeky guy from 30 rock, one of my favorite comedies. i'm not going to admit to anyone that i have a girl crush on sexy mariah. nope, no way.

sting, ...all this time (the live album). i accidentally hit play on one of the songs and it all came back to me. this is one of my favorite albums ever. i have to look for the post (way, way back) that says why.

ne-yo, because of you. unlike my classmate rain, i can probably stand a guy who doesn't know ne-yo. as long as he loves either sting, u2 or radiohead. preferably all.

to the theatre we go (but only for now)

best buddy mike has been bugging me about watching the farewell run of avenue q since more than a month ago. because i suddenly have all this free time, i agreed. but we didn't finalize the schedule until last thursday, and i had to get the tickets too (hmf). so despite the threat of heavy rains last saturday, i got on the very convenient bus going to cubao and got off at the ayala mrt station two hours later, eagerly anticipating the afternoon ahead.

i'm very tempted to expound on my inconsistent appreciation of the theatre, but i won't. suffice to say, i enjoy witty comedies, and this play really delivered it for me. i think i loved that i was a part of this audience. we all laughed at the right spots, and clapped after almost every song. the intimate setting of the carlos p. romulo auditorium certainly helped. not to mention the actors were very good, especially the puppeteers. i regret not seeing rachel alejandro portray her award-winning part (yes, she won a best actress award for this last year!) but i think carla guevarra-laforteza was very good at it. many people agree with me too. the thing that struck me most is the hip swing she does when she's playing lucy t. slut. it was the precarious mix of subtle and obvious that puts the extra ooomph into the character, and it's how you know you're dealing with a seasoned theatre actor (miss saigon, duh). and lei's favorite actor joel trinidad is just surprisingly endearing as nicky and trekkie monster - his voice is so versatile. aiza seguerra deserves to go to the singapore run to reprise the gary coleman role too. if for some bizarre twist of fate i'll end up in singapore in october, i'm definitely watching the show there.

one minor gripe, though, is frenchie dy's oriental accent. she's wavering between the chinese "l" and the japanese "r" and i think her character was supposed to be japanese. though as i haven't seen the script i'm not sure if it was not written that way. but she's cute, and christmas eve is adorable.

it wasn't for immature audiences though. besides the f and s words peppered throughout the script and the in-your-face references to subjects not for children's consumption, such as cough*porn*cough, one has to be very widely-read or updated on various subjects to fully appreciate the pop culture references. but i hope people won't think i'm too weird for being amused at the idea of two puppets doing the dirty. lol.

and because it's categorized as a musical, it has several songs in its aresenal that were very singable and easy to recall. my favorite would have to be it sucks to be me/but only for now (same song, different lyrics) followed closely by schadenfreude (snaps to aiza for the spelling lesson). mike, i'm still waiting for the soundtrack...

it's too late for anybody else to watch it on my recommendation, since the farewell run just ended, but do catch it if you're in singapore in october. and maybe i'll catch it if atlantis decides to put it up again later. but i'll need to get cheaper seats this time.

other reviews: by anton diaz

for further reading:
avenue q official site
avenue q on wikipedia