hold on to whatever will get you through

little gems of wisdom from a dinner date and a fruitful conversation, take one.

sometimes we're selling ourselves too short.

love, actually, is all around

a tribute to one of the best british comedies ever made

as usual, i spent last weekend getting my small screen fix. i now have a tv schedule for saturday and sunday nights. at 7 there's queer eye for the straight guy, then gilmore girls at 8, saturday night live at 9, and finally house at 10. sunday is csi marathon, and even if csi and csi: ny are yet to air new seasons, i'm still catching up with the old episodes. in a way i'm almost glad my dad is away for a few months so that i can keep to my schedule, not get banished to my aunt's tv -- or get him out of the couch myself. not good daughter behavior, i know.

but as i was channel surfing at almost 9 last sunday, i stumbled across an opening sequence of a movie on star and the studio canal credits struck a dormant memory.

goodbye, csi. hello, loveactually.

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love actually is one of my all time favorite films. the first i heard of it was through entertainment news, and when i found out both hugh grant and colin firth were on it, i immediately put it on my wish list. then i saw the rest of the cast, and i was like, wow. this small british comedy isn't so small after all, when you see names like liam neeson, emma thompson and alan rickman (snape on harry potter). the film was directed by first-timer richard curtis, who had written the story, and was also known for co-writing the screenplay to bridget jones's diary. and rowan atkinson (mr bean), one of the regulars in curtis's films (think four weddings), also has a cameo (but surprisingly has top billing).

i was so excited about this film, even more so than when i first saw bridget jones, that i got the screenplay and the soundtrack even before the movie was shown. hence i know the story inside out, even the little sub-plots that didn't make the final cut. it was almost the same as watching the film over and over and over. and this before i even saw the finished product itself.

would you believe that last sunday was only the second time i saw the movie?

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since this was a gp showing, i noticed a lot of cuts. one storyline was completely eliminated, which wasn't really explicit except that both characters met as stand-ins for actors in a porn movie. whoa. aside from that, a lot of the explicit language wasn't cut, and so i was relieved. somewhat.

but watching it for the second time, i realized why some people would be turned off by the multiple storylines -- it was confusing. what more if the john and judy story was included. later on i wondered, if i didn't know the story so well while i watched the movie for the first time, would i really understand it? i guess not. but some relationships between the individual stories were more obvious than others, and i would have got the general gist of it. the rest, i would have got them eventually.

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romantic comedies (especially british ones) are my favorite kind, and love actually expectedly has the top points for the things i love in a movie. it has a great ensemble cast, which i also love, and multiple plots keep me really interested. my favorite story is about the pm and the assistant (hugh grant and martine mccutcheon). and while i was watching last sunday, i realized why. natalie (martine) is slightly conscious of her bigger built (like i am) but very pretty (like i am not). and here was this good-looking, intelligent, unattached guy who fell for her at first sight. the fact that he was her boss, the prime minister, wasn't a significant detail for her, but the situation was significant for him. as it turned out, david really went for natalie's type, so it wasn't just the proximity (though it did create some problems). and that despite his power, david really was just this awkward guy inside. and the endearing part is, when he finally got around to pursuing natalie, he didn't use his position.

their story drove home what real love can make you do. it can make you write a christmas card and admit your feelings without expecting something in return. it can make you knock on one hundred doors on the busiest night of the year, and do all sorts of things, just to get to that person you loved. maybe it is wrong to perpetuate that kind of idealistic thinking, but when you love, you should be prepared to do whatever it takes.

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i recall greg behrendt's words when someone told him about the trope pinoy guys. he said something like if we wanted to settle for the shy guys, that's fine. but wouldn't it be better if the guy got up his courage and went after us?

maybe i get doubts whether my pride and my standards are too high. but i think i'll wait for the day when that someone who is worth my time will finally come along. and it will also be that someone that i am prepared to do anything for.

one bad trip

sometimes life just won't go the way you want it to. it doesn't stay bad all the time, it just seems that way. and when you're in that zone, even good things can pull a fast one. it's all in the mind.

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a lot of people probably dream of bumming but don't really do it for extensive periods of time. and not having what you want probably increases the attraction a hundredfold. so you just settle for a weekend of spending quality time in front of the telly, even at the expense of good sleep. nothing beats the tiredness at the end of the day, the guilt at all the time wasted, the highs of pretending you got something out of it, and the simple joy of having your own way.

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happiness is a perception. it reflects the relative value of something in our life. long-term happiness can mean that we really are getting much of what we wanted. or it could mean that we are not putting much importance on the things that are absent. but the small things that make us happy are just as significant. they get us through those sad times. they bring color into our drab lives. they give us hope that one day, there'll be more.

ode to youth

of birthdays and the days in between

october 19th. the eve of my 23rd birthday. we were all there waiting. so many excuses. finally you did come, and you made our day.

december 4th. ces' 20th birthday. we all piled into frank's car, which was still in its original paintwork, and headed to your house to fetch you. your city was a fun place to get lost in, when you're young and with friends you love.

november 20th. two days before frank's 20th birthday. i decided to cut out and run because i can't decide between frank's party and ness's party. so while i was wearing out my feet in hongkong, you were having a blast at the mall and frank's house.

one day in june. i'm sure it wasn't on the day of your 20th birthday. we spent a whole day at your house, met your parents and siblings, conducted some semblance of a workshop, and headed to the theater to see the controversial rosanna roces movie.

november 22nd. frank's 23rd birthday. you might say everyone who was anyone was there, except the one who i would've expected to be there. where were you? i didn't find out until much later.

december 8th. four days after ces celebrated her 23rd. i was worried about what my folks would say about getting home late, but it didn't matter. it was the last time i would see you, and you didn't even know it.

june 17th. you would have been 27 today. sometimes i wonder if our ties would be much stronger if we were given a chance to build them. maybe it's just our fate to have a few bittersweet memories to share. maybe we needed to wake up and stop being complacent. life is too short to waste wishing for something better.

i refuse to fall in love

I refuse to fall in love again. I understand the overwhelming reaction it provokes on anyone it touches, which only reminds me that situations of intense hatred are not all that far removed from intense love. They are strong, driving and powerful – which makes them dangerous.

Don’t get me wrong I have nothing against love. My cynicism has not been totally hacked away, but chipped chunks of it permit some glimmer of light to shine through. Love is beautiful… love is sublime. Love is the greatest inexplicable feeling of all. All too true, but perhaps, meant only for other people. Not I. Not just yet anyway.

It isn’t that I’m obtuse, as much as I know that love can make people do things they wouldn’t normally do. Love has a way of taking you out of yourself and making you dedicate yourself to another, who may or may not respond in kind. Love is also a very disruptive experience. All your life you walk alone then all of the sudden somebody comes along and shakes all that. All this is what I find formidable - the power of the unknown. I have not been unloved, and I am not a total stranger to the feeling. I know how it feels to fall in love – the exultant euphoria of coming across a special stranger who touches something deep within you. Perhaps that is what I fear – to lose control to another human being like that, knowing all too well how fallible human beings are despite love; it is an unsettling prospect at best. Whenever I feel the pangs of stirring affection, the full of heady attraction, of the aching pain of missing someone of whom I am very fond of, it is not long before I stop myself and hold back, creating a safe distance, an impasse from which I can view this intruder with a cool, detached critical eye, not driven and blinded by wild, unreliable passion. I will myself to drift away – “I can live without this person” is what I often tell myself – in order to prevent the other from overwhelming me. Because I know that when I fall – I fall hard. And, if I fall again – I’ll fall harder. Which only make me hold back all the more. That is, keep everything to myself… silently.

Is it selfish to relinquish the “I” for an unassured “WE”? Perhaps, but when it has taken too long to find that “I”, one cannot entirely put to task for wanting to cherish the treasure of self longer than usual. At this point, I cannot gamble myself the self I sought for so long for the promise of a “YOU” and “I”; what guarantee is there that the other will not simply take my heart and stomp on it? Love gives no guarantee, and trust that is needed to bridge this uncertainty is perhaps what gives love its luster. But I have never been one easily given to trust, and therefore taking the leap into love is not an easy decision to make for me. Others plunge in with nary a second thought. They are not I.

Perhaps this primal insecurity only speaks of immaturity, and hence the inability to love, truly love. For mature or being in-love is one that does not seek fulfillment in the other, nor dependence, but rather, the mutual understanding and exchange of love connecting only to themselves.

Then, maybe then… when I am ready and bold enough to risk my heart again in asking the same promise which brought me to grief… IT COULD BE THE LAST.

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i forwarded this essay (author unknown -- i don't even remember how i got it) to a friend of mine, at a time when we were both dealing with questions and heartache. everyone must have gone through the same thing when falling in love -- the denial, pain, anguish, and finally, hope. when you think of it, this falling-in-love business should already go smoothly, with the wealth of experience since the beginning of time that can be used for reference. it should go like clockwork, and processes should have been defined (imagine falling in love documented in an ISO manual). but the differences that make us into individual beings are a big factor, and each distinct experience become vastly different from others just because the person is different.

novices find it hard to take the plunge, because of fear of the unknown. but people with experience are wary of getting hurt as well, because they have been hurt before. or if not, they want the real thing next time, and are scared to risk time and effort for something that might not be worth it.

so, now what?

dilemmas

how do you know if you matter to someone?

i asked this question a long time ago because i never knew if my instincts were right, or if it was just wishful thinking.

it was naive of me to think that love (or any form of it) is just black or white. even if i didn't like it, gray is such a big part of it. such that anything and everything can be subject to a million and one interpretations. anything we do can go one way or the other. it is hard to discern whether something really holds meaning or if it was just an empty phrase.

how do we move when we're going on nothing? nothing is crystal clear, everything is a muddle.

ignorance is bliss. it allows for the illusion that everything is perfect. but when the questions come, they remained unanswered. it won't keep you warm at night.

laying down all the cards entails a lot of risk. especially if someone is doing it for the first time. there is a fear of rejection and humilitation, and not going back to the way it was.

what middle ground can there be? minds are not on the same plane all the time. just when do you know if you've done too much or too little? who can tell it anyway?

in the first place, why can't we just come out and say what we want to say? why don't we go after what we want? why are we afraid of repercussions? expectations, disillusionment, are these really our responsibility?
all these questions and no answers. i've never had so many in my life, at a time when i needed them the least.

amplified heart

i really wonder how love can feed on nothing.

the last pocketbook i finished describes a woman who has been in love with her boss' nephew, ever since she met him. like, it was a decade ago, when she was still a teenager. heaven knows, he didn't give any encouragement. but no, she can't seem to forget him, until she was forced to when he got engaged to another woman. well, the story ended happily ever after, as expected. but you have to wonder how on earth she was spared from a wake-up call.

not everybody's story has a happy ending. most of the time we're caught in the middle. and in the midst of all that we swing from optimism to despair and back in a matter of seconds. just because of something that shouldn't even matter.

and i'm reading more into your words than you have put into them,
and that's my problem, but you tied these knots, now you undo them.
you undo them.
oh and think before you speak my darling.

-- everything but the girl, troubled mind

what does love feed on anyway? how does it survive self-doubt and paranoia? it endures, even if starved of attention. it draws its lifeblood from air; it conjures magic out of mayhem. and though logic points to an obvious conclusion, it insists otherwise.

i still haven't got over it even now.
i want to spend huge amounds of time in my room.
and i'm not coming out until i feel ready,
not running out while my heart's unsteady,
and i'm not really in your head.
i'm not really in your head.

-- everything but the girl, rollercoaster

still, you wonder. despite everything that points in the other direction, you still feel the pull. in spite of your conservative instincts, self-preservation can go to hell. you come out confused, because all that you have been taught and all that you are is being challenged.

what is it that i think i need?
is there love in me that wants to be freed?
or is it selfishness and ego
we carry with us everywhere that we go?

this feeling that life's incomplete
- do you feel that too?
do you want what i want?

and if i should start to cry,
and i can't begin to tell you why,
and i stumble when i begin,
it's cause i don't understand anything.

-- everything but the girl, i don't understand anything

contrary to the thread i've weaved this entry with, everything but the girl's amplified heart isn't about the promise, confusion and scepticism of new love. tracey thorn and ben watt released their first ebtg album in 1982, amplified heart was released more than a decade later. by this time they were already an "old" couple. but ben contracted a rare life-threatening disease at around 1990, and both tracey and ben admitted to a trying time while they were battling the disease. i belatedly realized how this reflected in their writing. it's a bit ambiguous, but if you know the story, you can see it's there.

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one last: this is the song that marked the transition in their music. also the song that put them on the dance charts. a lot of people think ebtg is all techno, but the real treasure lies in the early albums.

i ask why did I come again?
can i confess i've been hanging 'round your old address?
and the years have proved to offer nothing since you moved
you're long gone but i can't move on
and i miss you-
like the deserts miss the rain

-- everything but the girl, missing

keep hanging on

part 7 of the philosophical discourses on waiting

tonight i met up with my original gimik gang. the three of us were part of the same group in high school, and whenever i'm asked who my friends are they're the first to come to mind. i'd been nursing a headache since morning but i decided to go because i hadn't seen my best friend in so many weeks, and it was time to catch up.

inevitably the discussion led to our respective love lives -- or in my case, my perceived lack thereof. some people would argue that i had one. but the truth is, anything that can be used as proof in that argument is either nonexistent or an assumption, which amounts to nothing. i was (again) bemoaning the fact that i'm still unattached, while both of my girl friends are so much into their significant others.

i know, there's nothing really wrong with being single. in fact, i know i'm not ready for a relationship at this time. but the subject is such a thorn in my side because of the mere fact that i've never had a boy friend. not in high school, not in college, and obviously not at work or grad school. it's one more reason why i've become so insecure about myself, it actually becomes a vicious cycle because my insecurity feeds my anxiety about having a love life.

hearing me rant and rave about the subject probably exasperated the girls somehow, because they finally joked that they were gonna raffle me off. ha. maybe because i told them i didn't want to get serious about love the first time. weird, i know. i felt like i missed out on being with someone in a carefree way, so i wanted to recapture my youth in that aspect. besides, i knew i wasn't ready for the serious stuff. sounds like a recipe for disaster. which is probably why god hasn't given me that blessing yet, because i wanted it for the wrong reasons.

it's all in the mind

reaching the ripe old age of 26 can leave oneself in a constant state of reflection and introspection. case in point: pseudo-relationships.

for one who has had no experience in (real) romantic relationships, any and all incidents that remotely approach the possibility of one are subject to intense scrutiny and analysis, to the point that a minute matter (i.e., an impersonal message) brings vast differences in outlook and mood in a moment.

however, being reticent and careful by nature, nothing is revealed to any party where actions may be misconstrued to the effect that will bring about negative response, and cause loss of self-respect.

hence the battle for self-respect does not go beyond the mind. and within the mind is a mass of conflicting ideas that trigger various emotional dilemmas.

therefore, in the quest for self-respect there is also no commitment to the chosen course of emotional involvement, because no one is responsible for said implementation except for self. and because there is no outward indication of any decision made, except for any revelations to third parties.

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in essence, it is difficult to let go of an attachment when one has not declared it in the first place.

taking chances

how to get to your mid-20s and still maintain your ignorance

1. fear

the sources of distress in our lives are always linked to some form of fear: fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of commitment, to name a few. meanwhile everything we celebrate is a triumph over fear. so why do we always succumb to fear? are not human beings supposed to be of advanced intellect? yet it proves to be no match to the irrationality of fear. and so instead of actively promoting our welfare, we always hold back. and thus we remain in the dark.

2. courage

everyone is made up of a healthy dose of fear. yet we also contain a sufficient shot of courage. somebody once said: courage is not the absence of fear. apparently, it is true. because while we fear one thing, we can also face another. it is a paradox often found in life. courage can be used sparingly and unwisely at times, for blind courage can lead to more harm than good. and in so knowing, we keep ourselves even from discreet exercise of courage. and thus we end up not using it at all.

3. truth

truth is far from being absolute and complete. for in the paradox of life, what maybe true in one instance can be the opposite in another. often there is a mix of both sides of the story that make up the real truth but because of our limitation as imperfect beings, we can only perceive one facet of the truth and deign it to be absolute. thus when we are apprised of another facet that we cannot comprehend, we cannot accept it without an open mind.

4. taking chances

fear can inhibit
brazenness can injure
and truth can distort
and we take chances no more.

confusion on a leap day

so many songs playing in my mind
but not the ones i could share
so many scenes i've played out
but the chance was just not there
so many words i wanted to say
but my tongue was in knots
so many times i wanted to try
but i was running scared

there is so much inside
that no one had ever seen
now i'm trying to give myself a chance
if only you'd agree
is it worth a shot, i wonder
or would i be let down?
have you asked yourself that question
or better, will you ever ask me?

if this was not to be
why did i have to waste my time
asking all these questions
so my heart could not reply?
is it really my fate
never to fall in love
'cause at this rate i'm going
i probably never will

letting go

yesterday was just another day
but too many things reminded me how different it was
and it was obvious how i stuck out like a sore thumb. or did i?
many couples celebrated that day; i didn't, since i am only one, and you come into this somehow
you were supposed to save me from this plight
however, the role didn't suit you
and for the year that i wish it had
i was hoping in vain
this is the end of that year.
i don't want to nurture that hope anymore,
it's not healthy
but maybe even you realize
how hard it is to lose one's feelings
for someone else.
because although the head thinks
the heart still feels
the mind might dictate
but emotions cannot be dictated upon.
so i hope you understand
that although i'll try not to bug you now
i have to remember that i shouldn't.

just when you think it's love...

why is love so vague? so confusing? so abstract? why can't we know what we feel is love unless we convince ourselves of it? there is the dilemma. am i in love because i feel something? or maybe the mind dictates the adjective? and moreso, are the arguments all valid? is the friendship we have enough to go on? you could have shown something that made me stop and think or anything you did would still be misconstrued.

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questions to ask when you think you're falling in love:

1. love? that fast?
   
2. is love about measuring heartbeats?
   
3. are you really feeling something, or are you just looking for an escape?
   
4. is it your mind or your heart doing the talking?
   
5. are you feeling this way because of something the other person did for you? would you feel the same if that person had nothing at all to do with you?
   
6. corollary: if the other person would react unfavorably, would you still feel the same?

a poem...

a poem can tell you everything
a poem can tell you nothing
i may understand what a poem wants to say
i may understand nothing at all about it
there are poems i read but do not need to understand
because in my heart i know what they say
i might need a poem to tell you how i feel
but maybe i don't need one at all.

bitter pill

people say we can't help it
but i know better, because we can
and even if i can suppress it
i don't want to
because i want what i feel
and who i feel it for
you of all people should know
although you don't feel it in return for me