last friday i had a really long talk with one of my closest friends. just because he and my next best friend are an item, he thinks it gives him the right to dissect my love life (well, everyone pretty much does, anyway). that being the case, i took off my "dear ate helen" hat and gave it to him for the moment.
like in previous discussions we've had, my mood shifted from eagerness to annoyance to indulgence to suspicion to jealousy (don't ask!) to incredulity to resignation. while the topic of discussion really centered around one subject, it's like we've covered every possible aspect of it. most of the time i tend to hold my cards close to my chest, especially with him and that particular subject we were talking about. i guess he's a naturally thorough conversationalist, but that certain time i opened up and told him all my fears and apprehensions and doubts, even the things i didn't want to tell him at first because i didn't want him to misinterpret. his opinions really counted a lot because it was a different point of view, though sometimes i tend to reject some of them because he was being either too hopeful or too paranoid.
so i learned a lot too. most of them i already knew in my mind, but my insecurity and fear prevents me from accepting them in my heart. after digesting what we talked about, i realized that fear really is holding me back. all that b.s. about my pride, and my doubts about my feelings, they were all rooted in fear. last year i already reconciled with the possibility of falling in love, i now don't reject the possiblity outright. but it seems i got stuck on taking the next step as well. i still have not accepted that level of engagement, and i give all sorts of excuses. i kept saying that i don't think i was in it for real because i can't commit or fight for it, and that i can't swallow my pride as well. because of my insecurities, i still rejected the idea of stepping up and admitting -- even to myself -- the extent of my feelings. whenever i think about it, i'm still not committed (i don't know what to call it, it could be real or not), or i hedge (maybe it is love, but i don't know), or worse, i get conditional (if something develops, then i'll know). now, i say, that is such a load of c___.
but aside from that, i realized something else that has been in my subconscious for some time. i'm also scared of the power i have over another person. by some instinct, i knew i possessed a lot of influence. i knew that if i worked really hard, there's a good chance that something would come out of it. which is why i said didn't want to swallow my pride; my pride wouldn't allow me to do all the work. it's like i bulldozed my way into it, and i couldn't accept that i was into it more than that other person is. in short, i didn't want to be at the losing end.
a long time ago, i already encountered the feeling of omnipotence and i got scared. as a result, i handled it badly. i could have stayed and learned for myself that i really didn't want to pursue a relationship with this person, but i ran off with all my ideas, afraid of proving myself wrong. it took me a long time before i allowed myself to get close to that person again, but now we know each other so well though we remained platonic friends, and i'm happy about it. if i hadn't done that, i would have lost the chance to share something that only the two of us can appreciate.
i have walls that i hide behind at the slightest hint or possibility of connecting with someone. i think at the very least i was afraid that someone would find out i'm not worth it. and because of that, i keep waiting for someone to break down those barriers. i see now that barriers cannot be broken down without my consent.
under the ruins of a walled city
crumbling towers in beams of yellow light
no flags of truce, no cries of pity
the siege guns had been pounding all through the night
it took a day to build the city
we walked through its streets in the afternoon
as i returned across the fields i'd known
i recognized the walls that i'd once made
i had to stop in my tracks for fear
of walking on the mines i'd laid
and if i built this fortress around your hearten
circled you in trenches and barbed wire
then let me build a bridge
for i cannot fill the chasm
and let me set the battlements on fire
then i went off to fight some battle
that i'd invented inside my head
away so long for years and years
you probably thought or even wished that i was dead
while the armies all are sleeping
beneath the tattered flag we'd made
i had to stop in my tracks for fear
of walking on the mines i'd laid
the prison has now become your home
a sentence you seem prepared to pay
it took a day to build the city
we walked thought its streets in the afternoon
as i returned across the fields i'd known
i recognized the walls that i'd once made
i had to stop in my tracks for fear
of walking on the mines i'd laid
-- sting, fortress around your heart
