how do you know when to quit?

i wish i knew how to quit you (from brokeback mountain)

ever since i started making up my own mind, i didn't really make my decisions; rather, i believe that they were made for me by chance or circumstance. whatever significant thing happened to me came from a choice that was the most logical, or the most obvious.

but for the last year or so, it doesn't seem to work that way anymore. i've been given so many chances that turned out to be duds. i don't know if i never stood a chance, or if they just changed their mind about me. but those close calls never came through.

and now, i've lost trust in fate.

if before i would jump at this chance to save my wits (i am getting rusty and dying of boredom), not to mention have some semblance of career progression, i chose to walk on the safe side. which isn't so safe, either. who knows how long i can pretend to be relevant? or worse, how long can my higher-ups carry the budget strain?

i don't know if i was wrong about not going through with it. here was my ticket to working with people i'd choose to belong to. it would have been a relatively easy way to leave the uncertainty of my field, and leave behind the failed exams and the scant opportunities. not that shifting to a new career is without uncertainty, but this was a safe bet at the very least. and the clincher was that i didn't ask for it, i was given a heads up.

but was i right to give up this chance? to have the time to finally put my paper to rest, and not have to postpone it indefinitely? to retain the flexibility (more like a free ride) that i have right now? guilt isn't such a major factor , and i don't have great illusions of being indispensable. but i crave familiarity, and i'm not so hot about traveling all the time - once or twice a year is enough. and there was a reason i avoided teaching -- i have very little patience.

so once again, i have let things lie as they were. who knows if i'll ever get another chance. well, god only knows.

fairy tales and fridays

once upon a time...

there was once a woman who had given up on love. she came to a point where she believed that she'll never find that one person for her, if he had even existed. then she realized that the one person she had counted on for so long was THE ONE. a wedding ceremony and a honeymoon trip later, she was well on her way to her happily ever after.

this is not my story though. as far as i know, it only existed between the pages of the sort of fiction i usually indulged in.

now, there was this girl who was rapidly losing faith that anything romantic will ever happen in her life, yet still holds that secret wish deep within her heart. sometimes it does show up on her sleeve. but love still did not come, however long she waited. then one day it came knocking, in the guise of someone totally unexpected -- but of course, totally acceptable to her tastes, he should be at least pleasant to look at -- and they went into the sunset together.

still not me. but how i wish it would be.

finally, there was a young woman who was so immature that she still was a girl, and is so hopeless that she resorts to reading countless romance paperbacks and dreaming of happy endings to fill up the empty spaces. how she went from being a promising achiever to a laidback, uninspired, and dull slacker is hard to comprehend, but it happened, and whatever lesson she needed to learn, i just wish she'd learn it soon, because she can't put her life at a standstill forever. or she might, and never know just how magnificent the rewards can be if only she worked to get them. maybe then, she'll find the love she'd been waiting for all her life.

the end. for now.