axn aired csi's season finale just a few hours ago.
it was sooooo good.
and the funny thing about it is that you don't find many clues about the director until near the end, during the dream sequence. i read somewhere that there's no chance in hell quentin tarantino was giving up this episode after he read the script. and i'm glad.
back to the real world now.
the next one is u2's sunday bloody sunday. it was almost two weeks ago when i met up with ness and i dropped over at tower to look at the merchandise. they are having a full blast promotion of the old u2 albums, and for the first time i listened to some live albums, which featured the song. it has a different sound when performed live, and i loved it.
the last one is an uncanny choice, constantly by vanessa williams. i kept hearing the song left and right because of nina and mymp, but it stuck because it describes partly what state i'm in right now. however much i try, i can't seem to avoid it. can't seem to think of anything else.
blah blah blah
i keep trying but i can't seem to get it. not everyone is born to be a poet, i know. but sometimes i just want to be obscure and plain text just doesn't do it for me. sometimes i wonder how songwriters create something so structured and cohesive, even if a lot of these lyrics are cheesy. the mere fact that they're there speaks volumes about creativity, while i can hardly even think of a sentence without starting with the word "i".
the weekend has been a great time for me to just chill. not that i haven't been doing that for the last week, at the expense of my precious paper (hmmm, my precious? nyahahahahaha). i've been pampered here at home for the last 4 nights -- i decided to go home late on friday, partly due to practical reasons. i've been glued to the telly all weekend and catching up on my favorite shows: csi, queer eye, pimp my ride, even season 10 of friends. so i won't be whining about my paper coz it was my own fault anyway.
there are some things you just can't stop thinking about. for me, there's my strama paper. in fact, i wonder why it wouldn't write itself, when i can't seem to get it out of my mind. but there's something else that's competing for attention. and i wonder why i can't stop thinking about it either. is it because there's that uncertainty involved? as long as i know things aren't clear cut, there's still hope? i would be the first one to say that this kind of optimism is crap, but with these things, rational thinking never counts. i don't know. i guess if i were to tell this story to my cousin, his first response would be along the lines of "are you blind?????" or maybe, "are you out of your mind?????" because i'm sure, i would tell that to me if i could. i can't get past it, and there's no cure just yet.
and because of that, i've been reduced to looking up lyrics and singing them in my head, if only to relieve somewhat the duplicity i've had to engage in. it's really hard when you're new at this game. this was the reason i never messed with these things before. i am totally wary of taking risks, and i totally suck at coping with hurt. now i'm questioning the wisdom of steering clear of involvements because now i've had to begin too late in life. sometimes staying at the sidelines and viewing life from the outside doesn't really prevent you from getting hurt when it's time. is it really better to have avoided all that? maybe i wouldn't be as scared as i am now. maybe i wouldn't have been jaded with all that i didn't experience. maybe i would have been more discerning of where i am now, and i would have gone on to the next thing, instead of hanging on because this was the first time i even thought about taking a risk. maybe i wouldn't be wishing that my life is unemcumbered for the wrong reason.
i can't bear to think about what happens when this is over. i don't want to know the disappointment i will surely feel. that i wasted too much on what wasn't really a worthy cause. or did i even make much of an effort in the first place? too much time has been spent just to realize that i was wrong after all. essentially, i know that it will come if it was meant to be. but when half of me is convinced that it really will while the other half is equally convinced that it won't, it's pretty hard to decide which outcome i'll be hoping for. is the agony of not knowing the lesson i had to learn? it seems to me that i've spent my whole life in this particular agony, shouldn't i be learning a new lesson now? and even now, i'm disappointed that this agony had to be endured because of something that isn't even worthy of it. not that the subject is. but even if i feel strongly about it, what if it was really lukewarm in reality? what if i'm just being delusional? why can't my instincts show me where i really am?
why can't i quit while i'm ahead?
times are rare when sunday seems like a real weekend. today there are no worries, no anxieties, no last-minute fuss. the whole day is devoted to the serious business of bumming, chilling out, and watching csi ny reruns, without having to think of waking up early tomorrow.
the weather isn't the best, but just cool enough to help me keep my mind on track. ha. that's funny. as if i would dare tell what nonsense i've been working on.
i can't believe the news today
oh, i can't close my eyes and make it go awayhow long...
how long must we sing this song?
how long? how long...
'cause tonight... we can be as one tonight
broken bottles under children's feet
bodies strewn across the dead end street
but i won't heed the battle call
it puts my back up
puts my back up against the wallsunday, bloody sunday
sunday, bloody sunday
sunday, bloody sunday
alright let's goand the battle's just begun
there's many lost, but tell me who has won
the trench is dug within our hearts
and mothers, children, brothers,
sisters torn apartsunday, bloody sunday
sunday, bloody sundayhow long...
how long must we sing this song?
how long? how long...
'cause tonight... we can be as one tonight...wipe the tears from your eyes
wipe your tears away
i'll wipe your tears away
i'll wipe your tears away
oh, wipe your blood shot eyessunday, bloody sunday
sunday, bloody sunday
yeah let's goand it's true we are immune
when fact is fiction and tv reality
and today the millions cry
we eat and drink while tomorrow they diethe real battle yet begun
to claim the victory jesus won
on...sunday bloody sunday
sunday bloody sunday-- u2, sunday bloody sunday
exercise releases endorphins. endorphins make you happy. so how the heck did this happen?
this just came out of nowhere. i woke up early for once, showed up at the gym, had coffee and came to work late (at par with my usual time in when i go to gym). i'm physically present but my mind is wandering. and suddenly i stumbled into that no-man's-land. i am now so depressed.
luckily for me i'm going to attend a seminar out of the office, maybe thinking about something else will get me out of this funk. but if this mood keeps up i'm gonna have to call reinforcements.
no one else knows how much work i still have to put into my strama more than i do. it's like my waking hours are all spent thinking about how to finally get it done. still, the little voice in my head can't be gagged. and i still can't resist the words "hang out". ness should how those words can crumble my resolve in a heartbeat.
so, let's try this out. something i learned in the three years i've been back to school. at least those boring lectures weren't completely wasted on me. one of the theories in personnel management has something to do with how you motivate an employee in the workplace. i don't really remember the name or how it goes exactly (and i'll probably be mixing a hodgepodge of theories here), but basically it says that someone can be motivated to do something when he knows the rewards he'll get once that deed is accomplished. sounds pretty intuitive, doesn't it? actually, most behavioral science theories (or any theory for that matter) should be intuitive.
just so i can get it over with. here are the things i plan to do after i finish my strama paper. as in really finished.
only a few more weeks, i hope... and i can't wait!
talk is cheap. and everyone is taking advantage of the discounts.
i am a fence-sitter by nature. i try not to get in the middle of an argument; i avoid taking sides in public; i am usually careful about making statements because i do not like to be caught flat-footed.
i became aware of politics at a very early age. i couldn't avoid it, however much i wanted to. i was treading on dangerous ground, though we all pretended we weren't. so when i got older i lacked the rebellious (or activist) tendencies of people my age. some people might have thought that a person with a developed social consciousness that i had would have been out there running for student council, or joining cause-oriented organizations. sure i participated in sit-outs, or at no-tuition-hike marches around the campus. otherwise i couldn't care less. and the fact is, the other kids who were like me didn't want to deal with any more politics either.
which brings me to today. these past weeks i have been listening to all that talk on the media about the president. my roommate would whine about her clients getting worried, and we would agree that this sort of thing is actually normal. someone at the office would react at another statement, and would invite comment with her conviction that pgma should resign. all throughout i listened, watched, observed. i would utter non-committal statements, throw out questions, agree on some points. but i don't think i'll ever make a public stand about my opinion. to be honest, the conspiracy surrounding the whole presidency issue is too complex for one to be able to comprehend completely, because we are not god and we are not omniscient. i'll just wait for the events to unfold, because only then can we know where we are headed to.
