bits and pieces

blah blah blah

i keep trying but i can't seem to get it. not everyone is born to be a poet, i know. but sometimes i just want to be obscure and plain text just doesn't do it for me. sometimes i wonder how songwriters create something so structured and cohesive, even if a lot of these lyrics are cheesy. the mere fact that they're there speaks volumes about creativity, while i can hardly even think of a sentence without starting with the word "i".

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the weekend has been a great time for me to just chill. not that i haven't been doing that for the last week, at the expense of my precious paper (hmmm, my precious? nyahahahahaha). i've been pampered here at home for the last 4 nights -- i decided to go home late on friday, partly due to practical reasons. i've been glued to the telly all weekend and catching up on my favorite shows: csi, queer eye, pimp my ride, even season 10 of friends. so i won't be whining about my paper coz it was my own fault anyway.

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there are some things you just can't stop thinking about. for me, there's my strama paper. in fact, i wonder why it wouldn't write itself, when i can't seem to get it out of my mind. but there's something else that's competing for attention. and i wonder why i can't stop thinking about it either. is it because there's that uncertainty involved? as long as i know things aren't clear cut, there's still hope? i would be the first one to say that this kind of optimism is crap, but with these things, rational thinking never counts. i don't know. i guess if i were to tell this story to my cousin, his first response would be along the lines of "are you blind?????" or maybe, "are you out of your mind?????" because i'm sure, i would tell that to me if i could. i can't get past it, and there's no cure just yet.

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and because of that, i've been reduced to looking up lyrics and singing them in my head, if only to relieve somewhat the duplicity i've had to engage in. it's really hard when you're new at this game. this was the reason i never messed with these things before. i am totally wary of taking risks, and i totally suck at coping with hurt. now i'm questioning the wisdom of steering clear of involvements because now i've had to begin too late in life. sometimes staying at the sidelines and viewing life from the outside doesn't really prevent you from getting hurt when it's time. is it really better to have avoided all that? maybe i wouldn't be as scared as i am now. maybe i wouldn't have been jaded with all that i didn't experience. maybe i would have been more discerning of where i am now, and i would have gone on to the next thing, instead of hanging on because this was the first time i even thought about taking a risk. maybe i wouldn't be wishing that my life is unemcumbered for the wrong reason.

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i can't bear to think about what happens when this is over. i don't want to know the disappointment i will surely feel. that i wasted too much on what wasn't really a worthy cause. or did i even make much of an effort in the first place? too much time has been spent just to realize that i was wrong after all. essentially, i know that it will come if it was meant to be. but when half of me is convinced that it really will while the other half is equally convinced that it won't, it's pretty hard to decide which outcome i'll be hoping for. is the agony of not knowing the lesson i had to learn? it seems to me that i've spent my whole life in this particular agony, shouldn't i be learning a new lesson now? and even now, i'm disappointed that this agony had to be endured because of something that isn't even worthy of it. not that the subject is. but even if i feel strongly about it, what if it was really lukewarm in reality? what if i'm just being delusional? why can't my instincts show me where i really am?

why can't i quit while i'm ahead?