dilemmas

how do you know if you matter to someone?

i asked this question a long time ago because i never knew if my instincts were right, or if it was just wishful thinking.

it was naive of me to think that love (or any form of it) is just black or white. even if i didn't like it, gray is such a big part of it. such that anything and everything can be subject to a million and one interpretations. anything we do can go one way or the other. it is hard to discern whether something really holds meaning or if it was just an empty phrase.

how do we move when we're going on nothing? nothing is crystal clear, everything is a muddle.

ignorance is bliss. it allows for the illusion that everything is perfect. but when the questions come, they remained unanswered. it won't keep you warm at night.

laying down all the cards entails a lot of risk. especially if someone is doing it for the first time. there is a fear of rejection and humilitation, and not going back to the way it was.

what middle ground can there be? minds are not on the same plane all the time. just when do you know if you've done too much or too little? who can tell it anyway?

in the first place, why can't we just come out and say what we want to say? why don't we go after what we want? why are we afraid of repercussions? expectations, disillusionment, are these really our responsibility?
all these questions and no answers. i've never had so many in my life, at a time when i needed them the least.

rip offs

Which Band Should You Be In? by couplandesque
Your Name
Band Name	Sum 41
Role	Bassist
Trademark	Emo Poster Child
Love Interest	The Guitarist
Quiz created with MemeGen!

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how appropriate! i'm a bassist (primarily). i could be an emo poster child. but i would have wanted to be in radiohead. well, you can't have everything.

thanks alicia!

here comes the rain again

i should be home right now. but i'm stuck at the office. it's raining and i don't have an umbrella. i need one if i'm gonna walk home, which is what i usually do. taking a cab would be too pricey, and taking several jeepney rides would also mean a bit of walking.

what use are umbrellas when you leave them at your house. all of them.

amplified heart

i really wonder how love can feed on nothing.

the last pocketbook i finished describes a woman who has been in love with her boss' nephew, ever since she met him. like, it was a decade ago, when she was still a teenager. heaven knows, he didn't give any encouragement. but no, she can't seem to forget him, until she was forced to when he got engaged to another woman. well, the story ended happily ever after, as expected. but you have to wonder how on earth she was spared from a wake-up call.

not everybody's story has a happy ending. most of the time we're caught in the middle. and in the midst of all that we swing from optimism to despair and back in a matter of seconds. just because of something that shouldn't even matter.

and i'm reading more into your words than you have put into them,
and that's my problem, but you tied these knots, now you undo them.
you undo them.
oh and think before you speak my darling.

-- everything but the girl, troubled mind

what does love feed on anyway? how does it survive self-doubt and paranoia? it endures, even if starved of attention. it draws its lifeblood from air; it conjures magic out of mayhem. and though logic points to an obvious conclusion, it insists otherwise.

i still haven't got over it even now.
i want to spend huge amounds of time in my room.
and i'm not coming out until i feel ready,
not running out while my heart's unsteady,
and i'm not really in your head.
i'm not really in your head.

-- everything but the girl, rollercoaster

still, you wonder. despite everything that points in the other direction, you still feel the pull. in spite of your conservative instincts, self-preservation can go to hell. you come out confused, because all that you have been taught and all that you are is being challenged.

what is it that i think i need?
is there love in me that wants to be freed?
or is it selfishness and ego
we carry with us everywhere that we go?

this feeling that life's incomplete
- do you feel that too?
do you want what i want?

and if i should start to cry,
and i can't begin to tell you why,
and i stumble when i begin,
it's cause i don't understand anything.

-- everything but the girl, i don't understand anything

contrary to the thread i've weaved this entry with, everything but the girl's amplified heart isn't about the promise, confusion and scepticism of new love. tracey thorn and ben watt released their first ebtg album in 1982, amplified heart was released more than a decade later. by this time they were already an "old" couple. but ben contracted a rare life-threatening disease at around 1990, and both tracey and ben admitted to a trying time while they were battling the disease. i belatedly realized how this reflected in their writing. it's a bit ambiguous, but if you know the story, you can see it's there.

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one last: this is the song that marked the transition in their music. also the song that put them on the dance charts. a lot of people think ebtg is all techno, but the real treasure lies in the early albums.

i ask why did I come again?
can i confess i've been hanging 'round your old address?
and the years have proved to offer nothing since you moved
you're long gone but i can't move on
and i miss you-
like the deserts miss the rain

-- everything but the girl, missing

not a real post

i still haven't seen closer, so i'm not answering the question i posted.

i found a new friend who tagged me at my *better* blog. she's also a dashboard confessional fan, and she's probably more astig than i ever was at her age. loved her choice of bands. guess i would have also chosen them if i was still in college. brings back memories of shooting the breeze with romily and mike -- they're the two people who understand my edgier musical preferences.

---

i promised i wouldn't write about something controversial in this blog. that kind of thing is reserved for my other blog, because otherwise i might not be able to restrain myself. so i'll let a friend of mine say it for me.

mark's blog

---

i'm having a grand time. i'm getting by at work, i'm getting a shot for heart candy, and i'm still hanging on. i'm mixed up. but i'm luckier than most people. i'm living my life.

two star

now i'm free to say it.

for so many months i wondered if i was shirking my duty. i tried to be sensible. i tried to be open-minded. i knew what i was up against. i spoke my mind, but i knew how futile it was. through it all, i wondered if i would survive that assault to the very core of my principles. i'm not even a principled person, for that matter. i don't have the courage to carry my convictions. i was annoyed, but i had to stay. even if you didn't feel it, i was right behind you, hoping i didn't have to catch your fall.

the right path has never been so clearer. go where fate leads you.

well it's not for me to say,
but i can't see what you see in him anyway.
but such righteousness in me
is not a nice thing to display,
and who am i for chrissakes anyway
to judge a life this way

when my own's in disarray?

i watch saturday kids' tv
with the sound turned down.
i leave food on the eiderdown.
all my thoughts pushed underground.

maybe you're happy
- everyone says you are.
you drive around on two star,
you leave your life ajar,
and god knows you deserve it.
bad luck follows everyone.

so go on, and stop listening to me.
stop listening to me.
and don't ask me how i feel.
don't ask me how i feel.

so it's not for me to say,
because i change my mind from day to day,
and when i look at you
i only see bits of myself anyway.

so go on, and stop listening to me.
stop listening to me.
and don't ask me what to say,
or to judge a life this way

when my own's in disarray.

-- everything but the girl, two star

the last time

fixations are hard to resist.

the first thing i did when i came online was google keane. as usual i found the links to the official sites and these really good fansites, and i stumbled upon the keane faq (currently hosted at http://www.keane.at/faq.html#special because of some website problems).

here's the lowdown on my current favorite song. i copied it from the actual message posted on the keane messageboard by tim rice-oxley (the keyboardist and apparently the main songwriter).

TITLT is indeed a confusing song, which is actually something i regret, but the meaning is hard to explain quickly and simply. here's my attempt.

it's mainly about regret. i was thinking about how you can have a huge amount of affection for someone and yet not have that magic spark that makes you feel like you're in love. whenever i hear the song i feel it's a snapshot of the moment of two people saying their goodbyes...i can actually see them stood facing each other. what a rotten moment that is eh.

anyway so you have a bond with someone but you don't want to stay with them forever. so you decide to go. but you're not saying 'i hate you and i'm leaving'...you're trying to say 'i think you're great but i've seen that there's something more perfect and magical out there for me and i need to find it. but i will always be your friend if you need me.' does that make sense? so the bridge ('something i wasn't sure of...etc') is about the sense that there's something more magical to be found. making that decision to leave something comfortable to search for something perfect is difficult, so the alternating lines of the chorus are almost a debate going on in your head...you're saying 'this is the last time we'll share these intimate moments, time will make things better, and of course you can turn to me whenever you want to, i don't mind.' if you split the chorus into two parts using alternate lines it makes sense! i guess the feeling of conflict within yourself and the difficulty of making that decision is what the song is really about. it's not sarcastic or anything but it is certainly confusing. sorry!

i like trying to write about confusion and grey areas because life is not normally very clear-cut and simple, especially when it comes to the way people interact. hence the album's title. how many songs are there at the moment about how you're not good enough for me so **** you? the eamonn/frankee nonsense being an obvious example but look at any number of recent hits. how often is life really that simple? i guess that's why 'dry your eyes' was such a popular song...it talks about the confusion and mess of breaking up, and that's a reality that people recognise.

anyway that's enough from me. tim

PS the line 'one last tender lie' is one of my favourite keane lyrics and i guess it's just about telling white lies to make people feel better. maybe the whole song is a tender lie...or something...better stop before i get confused too! bye.

PPS thanks for asking the question in the first place! it's great that you guys are interested in the details of the songs...the words are what really matters i think.

now i know why i'm so fixated on the song. it's because it's what i feel at the moment. i know, that thing has hardly even begun. but every time i think about it, it always feels like i'm on the way out or something. not a good omen for a relationship that isn't even a relationship in the first place. a friend of mine kept telling me to go for it, but at some point he always throws me a curve ball, something like "maybe he's not the right guy". i'm tired. i want to move on. and i've been wanting to move on for the past year or so. sometimes i think i've got it, finally, but i guess i haven't. and this song captures that mood, how i want to stay and follow the path to wherever it takes me, but i'm not being given the chance and i don't see a future in it and i want to leave it behind.

this is how it was almost a year ago: http://politicsaside.blog-city.com/read/738409.htm. sad to say, i haven't made much progress from that.

looking for keane

another good find i made tonight is the "soaps and beers" project. a few good fans made their own cover of the 12 tracks from hopes and fears, and compiled them on this website: http://www.keane.at/cover/covers2.htm. as i'm on dial-up (this is the weekend and i'm at home, so no broadband wi-fi) i'm still downloading the s&b version of titlt and i'm 90% done.

still another great fansite: the tim rice-oxley fanpage http://www.tims-girls.de.vu/. great colors.

and to complete the my titlt fix, here's a pic of the handwritten lyrics, found at keane.at

addictions

one of my newest occupations in life, aside from doing system documentation, is downloading. for the past weeks i've been addicted to this blogger's site. like, he posts an entry almost every day, while taking his cpa exams, and the contents are nothing to be sniffed at. he probably has the largest and most diverse mp3 collection of anyone i've "met" recently. like, he has rufus wainwright, disney soundtracks, jennifer lopez, and avril lavigne in the last week alone. and he shares them through the blog.

yesterday he put up the whole keane album. i'm in heaven.

this is the last time
that i will say these words
i remember the first time
the first of many lies
sweep it into the corner
or hide it under the bed
say these things they go away
but they never do

something i wasn't sure of
but i was in the middle of
something i forget now
but i've seen too little of

the last time
you fall on me for anything you like
your one last line
you fall on me for anything you like
and years make everything alright
you fall on me for anything you like
and i, no i don't mind

this is the last time
that i will show my face
one last tender lie
and then i'm out of this place
so tread it into the carpet
or hide it under the stairs
you say that some things never die
well i tried and i tried

something i wasn't sure of
but i was in the middle of
something i forget now
but i've seen too little of

the last time
you fall on me for anything you like
your one last line
you fall on me for anything you like
and years make everything alright
you fall on me for anything you like
and i, no i don't mind

the last time
you fall on me for anything you like
your one last line
you fall on me for anything you like
and years make everything alright
you fall on me for anything you like
and i, no i don't mind

-- keane, this is the last time

nothing to say

a couple of days ago i finally got down to reorganizing some of my music files. in particular, i found the patience to scrutinize all my dashboard confessional songs. best bud mike burned a whole batch of 'em last year, but when i fiddled with my wmp last month i think i messed up the titles and the file names. so i really had to sit down and compare the song with the lyrics, which i got from the official website.

for a long time i wasn't in the mood to listen to those songs. i only had ears for the songs that introduced me to dash: a plain morning, best deceptions, screaming infidelities, and hands down. and there's vindicated from the spiderman2 soundtrack. i found the repetitive theme of chris carraba's songs too tiring to listen to, and too depressing. fortunately i managed to sit through the whole batch, which include most of the tracks from all his albums, as well as mtv unplugged versions. personally, i found some of the mtv unplugged versions to be better than the originals. and as i listened through the songs while reading the lyrics, i remembered why i was attracted to dash in the first place. however, i would still recommend moderation because too much emo can affect your mood. on the other hand, it was perfect for the time in our lives that we were wallowing in sadness and the futility of love.

here's a sample of chris carraba's genius. i think he's a poet (or whatever you call it, when it's actually prose) first and foremost.

i'm starting to fashion an idea in my head where i would impress you with every single word i said would come out insightful or brave or smooth or charming and you'd want to call me

and i would be there every time you'd need me i'd be there every time...

but for now i'll look so longingly waiting... for you to want me, for you need me, for you to notice me

-- dashboard confessional, for you to notice

uppers and downers

this week i reviewed my collection of dashboard confessional songs. i loved some of them right away, but listening through the whole collection makes me feel like i'm going through a wringer because chris carraba is all emo. i bet there is one dashboard song you can find that is tailor fit to whatever stage you're on, whether falling in or out of love. but behind the songs, even the optimistic ones, is a note of bitterness obvious to ones who have been burned in the past.

it's just like you to contest
you wear it like a label on your breast
don't you see what this takes of me?
a certain callousness complies with your charm
and in your pride a hopeful look draped in despise.

i want to give you whatever you need.
what is it you need? is it what i need?
i want to give you whatever you need.
what is it you need? is it within me?

it's hard to explain how i am getting by on so little from you.
it's hard to believe that i would let myself get so wrapped into you.
there's got to be something that would be worthwhile for me to give to you. we need a
connection but you seem to push me far away from you.

the harder i push the farther i fall.
well you don't mind me being headstrong.
but you don't want to sing along.
maybe it's trite but i can't always be wrong.
try not to be wrong.

-- dashboard confessional, ender will save us all

finally, i have a copy of keane's this is the last time, courtesy of this overly generous blogger guy who has a collection from heaven. the same as the killers, i didn't really much like the first single keane put out but i was hooked with everybody's changing. i'm seriously considering getting the cd now, but maybe i'll postpone it for a little while longer.

keane has a great website too. i enjoyed watching the glastonbury performance of this is the last time. kinda raw, but still great. it's just a shame the tracks aren't downloadable, i would have loved having the glastonbury clips in my collection. maybe i should look around the web a bit more thoroughly, who knows what fansites have in store ;)

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the answer: it was the lobby door. luckily all the students were at a respectable distance, so it was only the guard who had a few cuts from the shattered glass. but it was scary coz the wind was blowing in hard, and i don't know how none of us got any small shards of glass in our eyes. that was a real fluke.

q: this song from the movie closer was played at the beginning and the end

a) damien rice, the blower's daughter

b) the smiths, how soon is now

c) damien rice, cold water

more on the movie next post. hopefully i'd have seen it by then.

mistake no. 3

originally posted on blog city

today i finally finished my first post for my friendster blog.

...huwaaaaat? another blog?!? as if i'm still updating my blogspot!

i almost gave up on the friendster blog. the site is soooo sloooooow. and setting up the configurations took me several days. however, i needed a new blog that will not identify with this one. the contents of this one are too sensitive for just anybody's viewing.

the friendster blog takes some getting used to, but i think i'm getting the hang of it. and some of the features provided are really cool, which for a web novice like me would be pretty difficult to set up here. i do think i'm getting the best of both worlds.

as for the thoughts dug up from the innermost recesses of dreamland, they stay right here.

rainy days and tuesdays

it seemed as if nobody had a good day today. my day can not be described as one from whatever angle. and as i looked through my friend list, all my joint horoscopes were either orange (so-so) or red (bad). so is it just me... or is it just me?

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i clocked out at work earlier than i normally do, with the intention of logging extra time at school. that means three hours of surfing, blogging, downloading mp3s, and all other activities remotely related to research or schoolwork. yet typical of my quirky nature i suddenly decided to cut out barely an hour later, get some groceries and head home. but as fate would have it, i peered through the lobby doors and saw an honest-to-goodness rain shower. i stared dumbfounded at the puddles, wondering how i could miss the loud thunder i kept hearing by then. i was silently debating where i would wait out the storm when... crash!!!

...

and that's why i managed to stay in the library until 8 pm.

q: what lay behind the crashing sound i heard?

a) the maintenance guy carrying a potted plant slipped on the wet floor
b) the wind slammed against the lobby door, which in turn hit the guard's station and shattered into pieces
c) the law student dropped a glass full of water while rushing to the elevator

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answer next post.

true calling

hmmm. here i am again on sunday night. instead of trying to get more rest for the week ahead, i am still on my pc and surfing the night away.

but before i go off to dreamland...

i opened up my friendster account, meaning to change my profile once again. i feel dissatisfied at what i've put in there so far... perhaps it reflects my unhappiness over my own life, but that's another story. there's this blank on "hobbies and interests" which i never could fill out to my satisfaction. i started to put in this junk about collecting mp3s, and i went on to say something about wanting to pursue my musical inclination but i'm currently treading a very different path.

like duh.

mike already posted something like this recently over at his blog. and i've talked this over with one of my closest high school friends (i know, i have a lot of "close hs friends" but they're quite a bunch) who is pursuing an acting career (as in theatre). sometimes i wonder why i chose not to pursue a musical career. i have lots of excuses which include:

1. i'm not a good bass player, compared to what i've seen out there
2. i'm not even a patient student
3. i can't do oido, not that well anyway
4. actuarial science was supposed to be a lucrative career
5. i can't afford to be a starving artist

some of them are good reasons, too. but with all the changes that's been happening, i guess it's time to finally do something about it. god gave me a discerning ear and good taste. while most people don't share my preference, i believe in it. then again, i have to tie up some loose ends before i embark on another journey.

earth to tin's brain... please, please finish your strama this time. get back to work, lazybones!

everybody's changing

finally, the verdict is in.

all that i have worked for in the past one year and two months can now be described in two words: killing time.

in other words, the project has been shelved, indefinitely. even if pulling the plug on the project is yet to be made official, my new role has already been announced to senior management two weeks ago. that was two weeks of frustration, anxiety... and my favorite part of all, waiting.

uncertainty is one of the key concepts of actuarial study, but this is taking it to a different level. having to use my scant knowledge to help a company i knew next to nothing about is a big challenge. and one i'm scared to take on. but i have nothing to lose. in fact, i have everything to gain. especially with my strategic paper hanging over my head.

all in all, i think i'm relieved that i'm on my way out of the project. one of the things i hated about it was the feeling of uncertainty (there it is again...). and with all the other members of the team already gone, pulling the plug will hopefully give me the closure i needed.

it's time to start a new day.

you and me

what day is it? and in what month?
this clock never seemed so alive
i can't keep up and i can't back down
i've been losing so much time

cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
nothing to lose
and it's you and me and all of the people
and i don't know why, i can't keep my eyes off of you

all of the things that i want to say just aren't coming out right
i'm tripping on words
you've got my head spinning
i don't know where to go from here

cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
nothing to prove
and it's you and me and all of the people
and i don't know why, i can't keep my eyes off of you

there's something about you now
i can't quite figure out
everything she does is beautiful
everything she does is right

cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
nothing to lose
and it's you and me and all of the people
and i don't know why, i can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all of the people with nothing to do
nothing to prove
and it's you and me and all of the people
and i don't know why, i can't keep my eyes off of you

what day is it?
and in what month?
this clock never seemed so alive

-- lifehouse, you and me

sunshine

where is a good cup of coffee when you need it?

don't know what exactly went wrong today.

was it my late start, which was caused partly by laziness and partly by the proximity of ness' condo to makati?
was it the misfortune of standing inside the mrt until i reached shaw boulevard station?
was it dread caused by attending the department heads' meeting, when i wanted to avoid the boss?
was it delaying lunch until we got back to makati office?
was it anxiety over our presentation on 5s this afternoon?
was it apprehension over our senior management presentation next tuesday?
was it the fact that i'm still in the office past 6 pm, printing out materials from a fucked-up printer, and me feeling so sleepy and tired?
was it facing the improbability of attending first friday mass today?
was it the realization that i want to get home -- to lb -- right away, but i'm still stuck here?

whatever the reason, i am so unhappy with this day. i can't wait for it to end.

this printer really is irritating me.