all mixed up

one disadvantage of discontent is the tendency to take on too many things at the same time.

i just realized that from now until next week, there are several things i must be able to accomplish:

1. finalize the yearbook layout (this is my high school yearbook, take note!)
2. finish my external and industry analysis for my strama (which i haven't even started)
3. for that matter, revise my introduction to clarify my strama topic (and have it approved, naman!)
4. study for two actuarial exams: social insurance on wednesday and group insurance on friday, which, as expected, i haven't studied for either
5. do my overdue perman assignment(s), due thursday
6. finally getting serious about my work project, since we now have a go-signal in the guise of the license purchase. this entails reviewing the proposed contracts, constructing forms, contracting an actuary, assessing the financial projections... the list goes on and on

this isn't a sudden brainwave, mind. i have realized a few weeks ago that i might have really bad scheduling issues. nevertheless, i have decided to invest time and money indiscriminately and now i cannot put my money where my mouth is. looking at the list above, i can only wonder at how i'm going to fit any of them in my schedule. or get the necessary research underway.

hay. what i wouldn't give for a laptop right now.

this is it

i knew it.

in the tradition of murphy's law, whatever can make my last term at school be as difficult as i can imagine, is starting to happen.

first is the new ruling for the final paper, with all sorts of deadlines and penalties, not to mention the possibility of failing the subject and postponing graduation to next year.

then, as expected, after several months of relatively idle activity at the office, i suddenly found myself being given so much responsibility in order to fast track our project that has been long delayed. add to that my unresolved confusion and ambivalence over the project in the first place. and to cap it all, my boss has finally taken the step into her future without us.

when i first signed up for this thing, i only thought that it would be a great challenge to pull it off. i never imagined that it would come to this conflict of time.

this is one of those times i wish i was back to the old days.

it's all in the mind

reaching the ripe old age of 26 can leave oneself in a constant state of reflection and introspection. case in point: pseudo-relationships.

for one who has had no experience in (real) romantic relationships, any and all incidents that remotely approach the possibility of one are subject to intense scrutiny and analysis, to the point that a minute matter (i.e., an impersonal message) brings vast differences in outlook and mood in a moment.

however, being reticent and careful by nature, nothing is revealed to any party where actions may be misconstrued to the effect that will bring about negative response, and cause loss of self-respect.

hence the battle for self-respect does not go beyond the mind. and within the mind is a mass of conflicting ideas that trigger various emotional dilemmas.

therefore, in the quest for self-respect there is also no commitment to the chosen course of emotional involvement, because no one is responsible for said implementation except for self. and because there is no outward indication of any decision made, except for any revelations to third parties.

---

in essence, it is difficult to let go of an attachment when one has not declared it in the first place.

good eats!

one of my favorite shows on the food network is alton brown's good eats. every episode he features one food item -- like tofu, for instance -- and tells its story in a very interesting manner. off-putting to some, maybe, but refreshingly different.

this is not a story on every food featured on good eats. but it is about good eats... the ones you encounter on that day when you least expect to celebrate food and the place that is highly suspect for hygiene. this is about the wonderful world of food you find on november first. at the cemetery.

when i started going to the catholic cemetery more than a decade ago, there is limited choice on offer. just the typical small-time carinderia fare like palamig, pineapple juice (di-takal syempre), banana cue, and the jack and jill fun snacks. at the time i rarely bought food from the stalls, usually i brought my own or i eat back at the house which is only a few minutes away. but now, the number of people in the cemetery just manning the food stalls can equal the number of visitors, any given time. and yesterday, i had the time of my life checking out the good eats.

at the cemetery entrance were the more popular food chains: mc donald's, pizza hut, doner durum (the local shawarma shop). a bit further is the purefoods stall, complete with the large skillet thing. here's where i got my bacon cheesedog sandwich and canned soda. but scattered on every remaining available space are the stalls selling proven, kwek kwek, squid balls, fish balls, even papu's siomai (one of uplb's most popular street food). i helped myself to a few bags of crispy chicken skin, only my mom's caution stopped me from getting the proven as well. of course, there are still the vendors selling the good old palamig and junk food, but with more choices than ever before. not to mention the people going around hawking chicharon, mani, kasoy, and "dirty" ice cream. and do you know that mc donald's has joined the bandwagon, offering their 20-peso burger mc do on foot?

long ago i shared the conservative sentiment that the celebration of all saints' day should be solemn and quiet -- meaning, none of the music, laughter, and the food. but times are different now. and i've learned that death should not be a mourning of a life's end, but a celebration of a life lived. it is not the dead that celebrate this occassion, it is the living. and as long as we keep faithful to the meaning of this day -- a day of remembrance and of faith in the afterlife -- who's to say that we can't enjoy it as well?

the aftermath

really, i am never satisfied. i swore i would never do it again, and there i was. just because i heard the prof say that he was gonna pick up the papers on saturday morning.

backtrack: on friday night the paper was not even half done. sure i have all the research ready and web pages saved in my trusty flash drive. at eight i went to the school library, hoping to get myself in the mood (and get half the paper done in an hour would you believe?). but no, i ended up surfing. sure, i was looking up the share price of RIM and the website of the bureau of treasury, which wouldn't load. every excuse i could think of... pretending to work on my paper when i really am not.

at quarter to nine i resigned to the fact that i am so bushed. i had slept only three hours the night before and i am not functioning normally. i ended up at powerplant, sat on a bench watching passersby, and contemplated my next move. no, i would not go to press cafe and eat my blues away. no, i'm not going window shopping. so i just sat there. until i decided to get a cup of my favorite black cherry mocha at seattle's before i finally went home.

i got back to the dorm at past ten, and settled myself at the head of the dining table. i didn't even go up to my room to get dressed, i just scattered my papers and prepared to write. but not a word came out of my head. damn. massive mental block. i couldn't make sense out of my report! i ended up doing other stuff, like cleaning up my room and watching tv. and napping in front of the tv.

three a.m.! is that the time? omg i have to get out of here. i have to go to the computer shop and get it done by seven. so, finally, i got hold of my wandering mind and got down to business. i was panicking by 6.59, but i knew i was near the finish line. by 8.30 i was ready to print. i kept scaring myself with the thought that i would see an empty pigeonhole when i got to school, or worse, i would cross paths with my prof on the way up. fortunately none of that happened; all the papers i saw last night were still there, and i didn't even have a glimpse of the prof. so i rewarded myself with a breakfast at gram's before preparing for my long journey home.

lessons? i kept going back to the fact that i didn't have my own laptop, so i can carry it anywhere and do my thing in a conducive environment (like the library on thursday instead of going back home). but on friday i was ready to settle for a good old desktop in my room. imagine if i had to do this every time i have a paper due for strama class. it would be a nightmare! of course, i also realize that it's not the things i don't have that hinder me, though a laptop would really be a great help. i have to change my habits, and i mean major overhaul. i can just imagine what this next term is going to be like...

cramming, part 2

just imagine me banging my head now...

cramming my heart out

another day wasted.

today i availed my birthday leave. i really wanted to have it tomorrow but i let my boss make the choice, so here i am. and this day i am supposed to make huge progress on my final paper. which is due tomorrow. and which i haven't even started.

don't get me wrong, i have lots of ideas floating in my head. and i'm not one of those mba students who space out during class. in fact this is one of the best subjects i've ever taken, even compared to my undergrad math series (another subject altogether). but i've always had this tendency to leave anything waiting till the last minute. procrastinator is my middle name.

so, you might ask, why is a fairly paranoid mentally blocked grad student blogging instead of doing her paper?

typical excuse no. 1: i'm waiting for the PSE charts to upload (which i just noticed was not uploading properly).

typical excuse no. 2: i just saw my other blog site, not to mention my friends' blog sites, and my creative juices are flowing.

typical excuse no. 3: i am disturbed by the fact that i can't log on to my other blog site, and i am looking for an excuse to rant.

typical excuse no. 4: this is what i am, what i have been for so many years now, and what i will be in the future short of a miracle. expectations are fulfilled.

i still remember when i rushed a paper a few terms ago. i ended up staying in the office until past 10 and talking to god the whole time on my way to school. luckily for me the guards allowed me to get in, and the faculty room was still open. and i vowed never to repeat that experience.

hopefully from all the times i came close to missing my paper deadlines, i've learned my lesson. or instead i could just bang my head against the wall 10 times and get better results.

birthday bash

i just love october. every time i get within a few weeks to my birthday, i'm occupied thinking of all the things i want to do on that day (or week). like where i'd treat my best buds, or whether we'll go dancing or just hang out at some coffee shop. or who else i'll see or bump into while i'm out there.

however, it seemed that i was bound to be disappointed this year. my best friend (who is now also my roommate) is going on a trip up north, while my next closest friend has training scheduled every weeknight. we can't even go out all together on friday nights. so the day after my birthday i finally called my best male buddy and got him to go with me to the klite anniversary concert at the fort.

after bingeing on grilled eats, we took a short walk over to pier one and found true faith warming up the crowd. wow, i so loved that band! as there wasn't a large number of people we got great spots at the front. which was good thinking on our part because the next band was river maya. i had a great time singing along to the old songs, even if i'm not a great fan. by the time their set was done i had developed a fine crush on... hahaha! secret!

we stayed a little longer, watching hourglass (sans egay), bridge, and mojofly, before deciding to call it a night. we have also consumed 6 beers between the two of us, needless to say we had to call a halt to get home in one piece. as it was we were already acting like college kids... and bemoaning the fact that we aren't kids any more. do you know that walking at the fort at midnight is almost like strolling at lb? hmmm...

i really missed my late teenage years... i have always accepted that i'm a college kid at heart. and i'm glad that i got to indulge in one of my favorite things -- listening to great music -- for my birthday. a really cheap gimik (well, if you didn't count the dinner) with a friend who enjoyed it as much as i did, if not more. the ultimate celebration of life.

now, if i could only meet that guy...

games people play

it's friday and i've done with lunch. i should be at my desk right now doing my long-overdue assignment at work. but nooooo, i'm blog-hopping. and in the course of that occupation i encountered a quiz: which file extension are you? having been a sucker for quizzes and tests of any sort i followed the link and resigned myself to my fate.

want to take the test? click here:

Which File Extension are You?

too much time on my hands

because i view a lot of blogs in this server and i get tired of typing my url everytime, i created my own blog. a really brilliant reason to get an extra blog.

check out my original blog: http://politicsaside.blog-city.com

quoteable quotes

i had to dig deep into my inbox for this one...

i was having a text message marathon with a friend of mine, who mentioned that he was always sleepy. this was my reply:

"ang antukin... kulang sa tulog."

then i remembered why i was also sleepy that day:

"ang antukin... insomniac."

such is the product of a stagnating mind and a really boring afternoon.

words of wisdom

sometimes, in the course of conversation (especially when i'm wearing my advice columnist hat), i come up with a string of gibberish that becomes a manifestation of genius. i have to admit, a lot of them are unintentional, serendipitous, and at times induce stomach pains (from laughing so hard). but a lot of them are now gone forever from memory, and only a few are remembered.

so now, i'm starting a new series in my blog, to immortalise these gems forever, until the server of my blog host crashes.

Always remember that if a person loved you once, even after a hundred years, that love will still be there but the person will always deny it.

one little candle

last night i attended a seminar/workshop promoting the new community service initiative (for lack of a better description) of the university. being graduate students, the university officials made a special pitch to us (those were their words, honest); apparently this has been implemented in the undergrad campus some time ago. this is a potentially large undertaking for the school, and judging from the concessions they made (we had no classes for a week just so we'd attend either of the two scheduled sessions), it is being given top priority. not that you'd expect less when it comes to serving the country.

in spite of the headache i was nursing, the boredom, the discomfort whenever you're stuck someplace and forced to listen, i still enjoyed the activity. more importantly, i was reminded of my civic and patriotic duty, as i'm sure all the other students were. in the small-group workshop that followed, some of us shared our ideas on what a typical graduate student can do, individually and as an organized group. some of these ideas might be trite or overused, while others have switched on the proverbial light bulb in our minds. i guess the objective here is inspiring all of us into thinking that we can do something, thereby creating the mindset. and once that mindset is ingrained, it is easier for us to do all these activities because we are compelled by our own values.

i think every citizen of this land, no matter how selfish or ignorant he may be, wants our country to come out of these troubled times. it is evident in the way we complain about our system, the way we worry about the peso-dollar exchange, the way we criticize our politicians. we all have some grand ideas about turning this country around, but it's hard to imagine how to do it knowing ourselves and knowing how others act. i agree with the premise that what we need right now is a constant bombardment of the conscience. when we reach a certain mindset, together, then we can implement programs more effectively. we can start small. and we can start with ourselves.

---

i was walking along the corridor after the workshop, still feeing ambivalent, inspired, and challenged at the same time, when i saw a banner at the opposite wall. i thought it was an omen, especially after the last blog i posted.

it said: mediocrity is not an option

surviving the quarter life crisis

much has been said about the midlife crisis -- the state of panic associated with the realization that one's life is half over. not to be left behind is the more relevant quarter life crisis -- the younger generation's all-encompassing state of confusion, pertaining to the realization that one is not omnipotent, omnipresent, or immortal after all.

one month from now i am going to be a year older. based on actuarial assumption my life would have been one fourth over, and i can now be described as in my late 20's. i have never been ashamed or reticent about my age, though that may be because of my relative youth, and i'm not afraid of getting older. i am, however, afraid of getting older without any sense of achievement, purpose or meaning.

thus begins the realization that i have spent the last year or so in the aptly-named quarter life crisis.

gripe number one. last year i made good use of my belatedly-acquired freedom. rarely has a week gone that i did not go out and while the hours away in some bar, cafe or other such watering hole. on occasion i have also gone with my classmates to dinners and nights out after class. a change in work environment also provided me with a new and expanding set of friends, some of whom would take me to other places i never dared go. but even if it seemed that i had every opportunity laid out before me, it never did give me one thing i have long gone without. being a bona fide card-carrying member of the nbsb club (if you have to ask, i swear i'm gonna kill someone). i could only wonder how my suddenly active social life did not translate to a dating life as well. it was like everyone i had met was either uninteresting, uninterested, or a girl. after all i had done, my love life is a big fat zero. nada. zilch.

gripe number two. being in my third year at graduate school also means that i'm getting nearer to that dreaded strama paper. in fact, i'm scheduled to take the subject starting november. darn. now i wonder if what i learned in the past two years is enough. and i also doubt whether i can overcome my natural tendency for mediocrity.

gripe number three. when i took my present job i knew there was a great degree of uncertainty. however i decided that the experience i will be getting (not to mention the compensation) was worth the uncertainty. now i found myself getting too comfortable and i don’t know if i will ever get over my complacency, or if i can ever rise to a challenge when i get thrown a curved ball.

despite all appearances, namely a fairly busy social life, progress at school, or promotion at work, i have also become vulnerable to quarter life crisis. worse, i have doubts whether all i have worked for even amounted to anything significant. will i ever go back to the level of industry i had been on before? or is it really my nature to be so lazy?

sentimental overdose

last night i finally saw the notebook. the movie, silly -- not the school supply. and i wouldn't have seen it if not for a few well-masked bribes and persuasion. you see, i'd heard from somebody that it's a five-hankie movie. and my pragmatic facade protests over too much drama.

i wasn't surprised when my best friend asked for some tissues like half an hour into the movie (i had to give her my handkerchief). i was reasonably skeptical when my other friend (who was a guy) kept muttering jokes to himself at possible mini-climactic scenes. and i was privately amused when the guy sitting beside me (and who was not a companion) started sniffing and (gasp!) wiping his eyes. but when it came to the crunch, i betrayed the truth about my hopeless-romantic sentimental nature and broke down. yep, i meant it. not just a few tears shed or a few sniffs. but i so did not bawl. that would be too much.

afterwards, you would think we'd been watching a comedy from rise and fall of laughter you'd hear. from everyone. and no, it wasn't because of some blooper scenes shown at the end. we'd all been laughing at the way we'd succumbed to the drama. and laughing hysterically. i'm sure i wasn't the only one who had a male seatmate who shed a few tears. or who had to borrow my own hankie back because i was so overcome with emotion.

so when my best friend and i got home, after hearing her wax enthusiastic about the story and my other friend sarcastically pointing out that we'd been had, i thought i had enough for one night. but nooooooo. i had to ask for more punishment. as if reading can ever be that for me.

my best friend bought a novel two weeks ago, the newest title of one of my favorite authors. i had converted her into a fan when i lent her two of my better titles. but i was taken by surprise when it finally sank in that she has only read four chapters in the whole two weeks she's had the book. my curiosity was piqued. i had never been able to resist the books i had bought for more than a weekend, especially if they're romance novels. and i considered it as a challenge. at 11.15 last night i dared myself to finish the book during the night. for however long it took to read the whole thing.

and the result? i sent a text message to two of my friends when i had just finished reading and was still unable to sleep. the time was 5 am.

last goodbye (coffee, anyone? part 2)

i had planned to include this song in part one. but that had become too long, and i didn't want to spoil it with more meaning than it could handle. this song was significant enough to merit its own story. unlike some of the songs already featured here, this one ranks right up there at the top of my list. for all time.

i distinctly recall hearing this song sometime during the night, i just don't remember if that was the first time i'd heard it. i was in college then, my radio was almost always tuned to nu, and my usual favorites were songs from the so-called "alternative" rock that was at its peak at the time. but when i heard the catchy bass riff and the sentimental melody, i was forever hooked.

a few years later, i saw a cameron crowe film that was too confusing for the average moviegoer's consumption. but in the middle, in that pivotal moment in the protagonist's story, i heard the vaguely familiar haunting intro. and i marveled at cameron crowe's affinity with music. (later in the film, another song evoked the same emotion from me -- todd rundgren's version of can we still be friends. and if you haven't guessed it yet, the movie was vanilla sky.)

in the years that passed i hear the song from time to time, always eliciting the same emotions from me: anticipation, euphoria, and loneliness. it was almost too poignant for words, and tragic to boot. the brilliantly insightful man who created it has already died, in a rather unusual manner. and this all happened before i even got hold of the song.

then came august 30th. the hosts of the morning brew were as usual soliciting suggestions for the next day's playlist. the theme was the word "last", or anything in the title that connotes an ending. as expected, this was the first thing that popped into my mind. apparently it was what they had in mind as well, because when i told them through text that i was seriously lobbying for this song to be included, it was already a shoo-in after all.

what do you know? the next day gave me another meaning to attach to this song.

---

last goodbye
jeff buckley

this is our last goodbye
i hate to feel the love between us die
but it's over
just hear this and then i'll go
you gave me more to live for
more than you'll ever know

this is our last embrace
must i dream and always see your face
why can't we overcome this wall
well, maybe it's just because i didn't know you at all

kiss me, please kiss me
but kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation
you know it makes me so angry 'cause i know that in time
i'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye

did you say 'no, this can't happen to me,'
and did you rush to the phone to call
was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind
saying maybe you didn't know him at all
you didn't know him at all, oh, you didn't know

well, the bells out in the church tower chime
burning clues into this heart of mine
thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memories
offer signs that it's over... it's over

coffee, anyone?

it has been more than two weeks now. i didn't think i could move on so quickly. now i only feel the sadness for something that will never be. but i've already accepted the event that was inevitable but had come too soon.

the date was august 31. the time: 7.15 am.

it was the last episode of the morning brew with vitto and mylinda.

---

that day was a bit hectic for me. i had to submit my midterm paper and i was no way near done, even after a late night jotting down ideas. when my pseudo roommate woke me up at 6.30 i almost rushed into the shower. not only because i wanted to get to the office early to get my creative juices flowing.

at 7.00 i turned up the volume of the radio, eagerly awaiting the morning brew playlist. a few minutes later i finally discovered the significance of the theme.

in the immortal words of r.e.m., it was the end of the world as i knew it.

---

everything, including my midterm paper, faded into nonexistence. my ears and my whole being was focused on the radio, on the people who have been my morning companions for the last two years. the voices who have been both alarm clock and snooze button. the mine of information and the source of great laughs. the best specimens of state-funded collegiate education on local fm radio. the pair that is obviously intelligent, witty, amusing, and definitely not irritating. (i know, i know... i'm going to therapy already. just kidding.)

every word, every hint of emotion took a life of its own in my mind. the aptly titled "last playlist" became especially significant. and in true morning brew fashion, it began with an obscure theme called "the final countdown", and included songs many listeners like myself knew and loved. it was perfect. the runaway winner was the song i had begged to be included (vito actually read my message on the air the day before). i had felt it was most fitting, actually. and i think they both loved it as much as i did.

---

it was gratifying and depressing at the same time listening to the last time i would hear my all-time favorite djs on air together. the onslaught of messages for the playlist was testimony to the number of lives they have touched in the two years they took over the morning slot. i had a feeling they finally gave in to their seldomly-revealed schmaltziness, anyway it was their last day. the moment i recognized the athenaeum song played, i realized the extent of vito's influence on my preferences (what i didn't know and 311's amber became fast favorites). i waited with bated breath for them to play a clair marlo song (something i had in common with mylinda), but i guess it would have been just too depressing. vito introducing tori's special request made me realize they were the only show i knew where the traffic reporter was a regular participant. and mylinda going on about running overtime with eric waiting to get on board brought back the moments when i wished the show didn't end.

---

but it did that day, for the last time. it wouldn't be an exaggeration to claim it was as if part of my self was taken away from me forever. false modesty aside, i knew that i as a listener had a part in what the show had become in those two years. being a very active listener, i had invested considerable time, effort, and money (in the form of mobile phone bills) and made that show my own. as all the other loyal listeners have made it their own as well. and i knew, though to a lesser extent, how vito and mylinda felt when they had to let go of their baby. it's always sad to say good bye to a worthy creation.

how to have a good day

this was the question asked by a certain instant coffee product in a radio promo. my favorite djs would ask a specific question everyday and enjoin listeners to text in their responses.

to my surprise i found i have an answer after all.

my best guy friend recently gave me a cd compilation of a whole mine of songs, from nirvana to dido to dashboard confessional. but i specifically requested two songs to be included. these songs i never could get enough of, having requested them on the morning brew over and over on consecutive days. and yesterday i discovered to what extent i can't get enough of them.

imagine this. last tuesday i came to work a few minutes late. since i was the first one in my department to arrive i played one song on a loop and it remained on almost the whole day. then again yesterday, from the time i left my aunt's office (where we met for breakfast) until i took a break for lunch. and while i waited for my friends at the mall last night. and right before i went to sleep.

if ever there was a song made to jumpstart your day, this is the one.

---

311, amber
(nick hexum)

brainstorm
take me away from the norm
i got to tell you something
this phenomenon
i had to put it in a song
and it goes like

whoa amber is the color of your energy
whoa shades of gold displayed naturally

you ought to know what brings me here
you glide through my head blind to fear
and i know why

whoa amber is the color of your energy
whoa shades of gold displayed naturally

whoa amber is the color of your energy
whoa shades of gold displayed naturally

you live too far away
your voice rings like a bell anyway

don't give up your independence
unless it feels so right
nothing good comes easily
sometimes you gotta fight

whoa amber is the color of your energy
whoa shades of gold displayed naturally

launched a thousand ships in my heart
so easy
still it's fine from afar
and you know that

whoa brainstorm take me away from the norm
whoa i got to tell you something

lyrics taken from the official 311 website, www.311.com

the choices we don't make

part 6 of the philosophical discourses on the subject of waiting

...though the air speaks of all we'll never be, it won't trouble me...

but it does.

just when i thought allowing myself to feel was hard enough, something else looms in the horizon.

and this time, it wasn't my decision to make.

the only choice i can make is whether to give up or suffer in silence.

as usual, the most likely outcome is obvious. the question is how long.

---

... it won't matter now, whatever happens will be...

fine. i don't care any more what i really feel. what i do care about is how painful it will get until the situation resolves itself.

until then, there's nothing else to do but wait.

waiting. how i'm getting to hate the word.

nothing's so loud
as hearing when we lie
the truth is not kind
and you've said neither am i
but the air outside so soft is saying
everything
everything

all i want is to feel this way
to be this close, to feel the same
all i want is to feel this way
the evening speaks, i feel it say

nothing's so cold
as closing the heart when all we need
is to free the soul
but we wouldn't be that brave i know
and the air outside so
soft, confessing everything
everything

all i want is to feel this way
to be this close, to feel the same
all i want is to feel this way
the evening speaks, i feel it say

and it won't matter now
whatever happens will be
though the air speaks of all we'll never be
it won't trouble me

all i want is to feel this way
to be this close, to feel the same
all i want is to feel this way
the evening speaks, i feel it say

and it feels so close
let it take me in
let it hold me so
i can feel it say

-- toad the wet sprocket, all i want

open-ended nightmare

how can i fall, when you just won't give me reasons?

-- breathe, how can i fall

last night i took introspection into a new level.

with all that's been written, trying to comprehend what's happening, i was never satisfied with the answers i get. or rather, the questions they seem to lead to.

to sum up, i made a couple of misstatements in my last blog.

1. seeing other fish in the sea. sure, i get excited knowing that possibilities are finally opening up for me, as i had hoped. just so i wouldn't think of this person by default. i was wrong. i realized that while i was glad to finally come in contact with the unreachable star, so to speak, i still want to be with that other person more.

2. i don't feel the pain of weeks past. huh? maybe not to the extent that i felt hopelessly depressed as before. but the pain is still there nonetheless.

3. i'm not taking matters into my own hands. apparently i have, after all. just when i thought my stinging comment -- to which there has been no response yet -- looked harmless, my best guy friend pointed out to me that it was a gauntlet thrown to his face. subtle, but a challenge nonetheless. so now i have no choice but to wait and see. again.

the thing is, i had a brainwave last night. all that thinking. i already knew that i'm waiting to fall in love. what i realized is that he was, too. the same way i am. but scared of falling, and of falling for the wrong reasons.

however much i tried to deny it, it's actually so easy now to say that i've fallen. whether i really have or not is not the point anymore. what's stopping me, i wonder? acknowledgement? confirmation? reciprocation? the point is, i think i've finally accepted that i could fall in love. i don't know when i'll be certain of the extent of my feelings. or whether i really felt it because of the person he is or because practically he's the only one in my realm. and i guess i'll never know for sure until something happens.

so here i am. waiting. again.

thanks for talking with me last night, mike. you'll never know how close i've gotten to crying every time i'm opening up to you.

last buzz:

my horoscope today (or rather, yesterday). so scary.

Things were clicking along just fine. You two were going along like wheels on a bike. Then, suddenly, you had to cross a river, and nothing's quite been the same after that.

no end in sight

how i wish i could snap my fingers and end this right now.

every day that passes is another day of introspection, confusion, decision and reaffirmation. and i do this knowing that the next day i had to do it all over again.

waiting is a hard habit to break. especially when one has done it his whole life. as i have.

i've already tried more than once to get out of this phase. i've already decided to let go. at one point i have felt regret because i thought i was letting go too fast. but something always happens and i’m back to where i was. hanging in limbo. waiting. again.

is this just fate telling me something? just when i thought that the wires (or in this case, the mobile phone inbox) have become silent and empty, something else pops up in another dimension. and the messages that ride on another frequency get me confused even more.

on the contrary, is fate just testing my resolve? is it telling me something else altogether? is it showing me how unreliable mixed signals can be?

coincidentally i have so much going for me now that i don't feel the pain of weeks past. a change of environment has done me a lot of good. i've become less dependent on distraction to occupy my time. i've gotten part of my concentration back. and i don't feel as helplessly depressed as before.

nowadays my eyes have also opened up to other possibilities. luckily, it seems that i'm becoming aware of other fish in the sea. the point was brought home last night, when i had a close encounter with the guy of times past. someone i had not seen for months, but hopefully i'll see more of in the course of the term. up to now i still feel the excitement. and now i am reminded of the carefree days before i played this waiting game.

in spite of these, i find that i'm still waiting. and to some extent, i have also resorted to provocation. but still not in the realm of taking matters into my own hands. i'm too timid and inherently risk-averse to go to such lengths. just yet.

will the waiting ever end? will i ever know the true extent of my engagement? will he ever come through? will it be worth the wait? or will it stop, abruptly?

i'm still wishing that the wait will not be for much longer and that it will not be in vain. but until that time, i hope i enjoy it the way i'm beginning to.

moving out

my day so far: normal, with permeating lethargy and illusion of no worries, but with an atmosphere of impending doom... or at least, last-minute chores and panic attacks due to unresolved and unfinished tasks.

my mind so far: not working at any speed. except for this.

my body so far: a bit tired, due to a late night and the consequent attachment to my very comfortable bed and jammies.

my heart so far: after my very recent close encounter and subsequent communications (which further enhanced the lingering effects of the close encounter), currently developing an inclination for further contact. and gradually acquiring a sense of deprivation for said company. we'll see in 3 days if it again develops into a massive case of craving with accompanying disgust for self.

my life so far: as i have already said, i've been struck by an unending case of sluggishness. now my world has been turned upside down in an instant. i'm moving back to my old office. actually, my whole department is. it's something we've always had at the back of our minds every time we had to face the gruelling travel going to and from head office. now that it's finally happening, without any warning, i'm bolstered by the thought of all the ways my life has been made easier. less traffic in the morning. walking distance to the banks. a few minutes away from the malls. getting to my monday class on time for once. going back home to change for a gimmick. and going home to lb without much hassle.

but as with every change, there are things i'll certainly miss. the unlimited internet access (blogging won't be as frequent as before). the ym chats with friends. the constant surfing at friendster. although i think it's also propitious in order to resolve my distraction at work. and belatedly i realized that i have lots of friends in this office after all. and they're the ones who are in the same boat at work as i am, so they know where i'm coming from. i'll certainly miss their company, especially the one in our barkada who will be left behind, and the two who were my partners in crime at team building weekend. and the people who i wish i'd gotten to know much better. (sigh. they're so cute.)

so it's now past 3.30. i haven't done any work today. in a few minutes my computer will be dismantled and i may be silent... for a long time.

me and my sad, sad life

today is thursday. just beyond the middle of the week. i have not done anything earthshaking so far. to be truthful, i'm not even sure if i've done even a day's worth of work in the last three days.

for several weeks i have tried (and failed) to feel a sense of urgency. i come in and stare at the monitor for hours on end, opening documents and files then at the end of the day closing them without making any changes. the last two weeks have been worse. my apathy has been coupled with sorrow and disorientation. in effect i have been further distracted. and became a blubbering idiot with an undefined urge to write an indefinite number of self-serving commentaries on my pathetic existence. this being one of them. the only bright spots in my humdrum life would be quitting time, the infrequent phone calls, my standing morning appointment with the radio, and the rare appearance of a certain group of people. after which i would revert to my old lonely existence, at times much worse off for having been in close contact with the object of my affection. which is likely to happen again tomorrow.

try as i might to break the habit, i find myself as deeply entrenched in the rut as before. when is this going to end?

moving on

for one last time...
... i will wait impatiently, hoping to hear from you
... i will bear in mind to curb my curiosity
... i will savor the rush of anticipation
... i will keep my serenity as i watch out for you
... i will smile when i see you
... i will admire your wit
i will share your sentiments
i will banter and argue knowing that i never win
... i will live the delusion that you're having a good time, like i am
... i will talk incessantly, thinking you're hanging on my every word
... i will worry and fret until i know you're safe
... i will dream of all we could have done and all we might have been because this is where it ends.

tomorrow, a new day is coming and with it everything changes.

tomorrow...
... all channels will be severed
all reminders will be hidden
all traces will be erased
... i will rebuild the walls around my heart and keep it locked out of sight
... when i think of you, it will not be with longing but with regret as i watch our friendship shrivel from neglect
... i will not hold out my hand and pull you to safety
but if you build a bridge to reach me i might decide you were worth the wait after all.

random thoughts

i don't want to wait for our lives to be over
i want to know right know what will it be
i don't want to wait for our lives to be over
will it be yes or will it be sorry

-- paula cole, i don't want to wait

---

talk about a fine line between love and hate
we've lost more than our direction of late
talk about a fine line between lovers and friends
we've never been lovers and now we're not even friends
in this invisible war, seems we're waging an invisible war
every day i seem to lose you more in this invisible war

-- julia fordham, invisible war

---

everyone keeps asking, what's it all about?
i used to be so certain and i can't figure out
what is this attraction? i only feel the pain
there's nothing left to reason and only you to blame
will it ever change?
cause i am barely breathing and i can't find the air
i don't know who i'm kidding imagining you care
and i could stand here waiting a fool for another day
i don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price
the price that i would pay
but i'm thinking it over anyway

-- duncan sheik, barely breathing

---

yesterday, i was feeling safe
all i do today is trying to be brave
and no melody can seem to soothe my mind
and now i curse you for being so sweet and so kind

-- d'sound, tattooed on my mind

playing the waiting game

something i seem to be doing most of the time is waiting. for the working day to be over. for my next paycheck. for the bus, the jeep, the mrt or fx. for my eternally late friends. but most (and longest) of all for love. this is for every time i've ever waited for someone to become what i wanted him to be. and waited in vain.

i've spent too much time
waiting for you in vain
i can't hear your voice
although i call your name
i can't go on but i still hang on just the same

i've spent endless nights
crying you name out loud
but still remain
alone in an empty crowd
as time goes on i realize you'll never change

i say a prayer
i count the hours
i hear a voice but it's not yours
i count the score
i can't go on playing the waiting game

if you should ever change your mind
i'll be there just call my name
until then i'll be playing the waiting game

i've waited too long
wishing my life away
convincing myself
tomorrow you'd change your ways
i can't go on but i still hang on just the same

i say a prayer
i count the hours
i hear a voice but it's not yours
i count the score
i can't go on playing the waiting game

if you should ever change your mind
i'll be there just call my name
until then i'll be playing the waiting game

all you left me was emptiness
now everyday seems the same
you've gone but i'm still playing the waiting game

i've waited too long for you to change your ways
playing the waiting game

if you should ever change your mind
i'll be there just call my name
until then i'll be playing the aiting game

all you left me was emptiness
now everyday seems the same
you've gone but i'm still playing the waiting game

-- swing out sister, waiting game

troubled mind

it's a beautiful day... not.

since yesterday i've been feeling ambivalent and restless. i'm all set to work on my deliverables but i keep getting distracted. it's like i'm waiting... and waiting... and waiting... but for what? it wasn't as if i was expecting anything to happen.

this has been the second week i've been feeling peculiar, not really my normal carefree self. i've been taking things much too seriously and i get bogged down. i've had to rely on other people to talk sense into me. and other people's words and actions affect me too much, it's becoming unhealthy. it's like my happiness at one particular moment depends on somebody else. and i'm hating it. i feel so helpless.

there have been times in the past that i've been so moody, i even wallowed in it. but this time, it wasn't what i wanted. i want to get over it. but feelings are so contrary, you really can't control them. and even if you rationalize them, they're still there, bugging you.

what makes feelings distinct from thoughts? essentially, thinking is how we acknowledge and assess our feelings. so why can't we change our feelings by changing our thoughts? why can't i think my way out of this nonsense?

taking chances

how to get to your mid-20s and still maintain your ignorance

1. fear

the sources of distress in our lives are always linked to some form of fear: fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of commitment, to name a few. meanwhile everything we celebrate is a triumph over fear. so why do we always succumb to fear? are not human beings supposed to be of advanced intellect? yet it proves to be no match to the irrationality of fear. and so instead of actively promoting our welfare, we always hold back. and thus we remain in the dark.

2. courage

everyone is made up of a healthy dose of fear. yet we also contain a sufficient shot of courage. somebody once said: courage is not the absence of fear. apparently, it is true. because while we fear one thing, we can also face another. it is a paradox often found in life. courage can be used sparingly and unwisely at times, for blind courage can lead to more harm than good. and in so knowing, we keep ourselves even from discreet exercise of courage. and thus we end up not using it at all.

3. truth

truth is far from being absolute and complete. for in the paradox of life, what maybe true in one instance can be the opposite in another. often there is a mix of both sides of the story that make up the real truth but because of our limitation as imperfect beings, we can only perceive one facet of the truth and deign it to be absolute. thus when we are apprised of another facet that we cannot comprehend, we cannot accept it without an open mind.

4. taking chances

fear can inhibit
brazenness can injure
and truth can distort
and we take chances no more.

sharing blessings

a few days ago, my horoscope advised me to "spread my wealth" to my friends. seems to me i have been doing that for the past month or so. not literally (although i have done it a few times as well) but i have been busy this past month just by being a friend to other people.

first off, there's the friend i'm helping with her strategic management paper. as in really helping ha. although she's done a lot of work on her own and with other people, we had to work some figures to support her strategy. and it was not easy, knowing i had little experience in actuarial and sales forecasting. but i guess i contributed my knowledge in numbers-crunching (translation: pandodoktor ng data hehehe). the funny thing is, another classmate asked for help in his strama paper! fortunately he only validated his opinions and we didn't have to go through all that stuff i did with the other.

the second thing is one of my pet hobbies, giving advice to the lovelorn. i happened to catch up with a friend of mine from way back, with really uncanny timing. he was on the so-called fork on the road to his happiness; not knowing whether to maintain the status quo or to finally break free from his attachment. the hard part was getting him to take a stand, being the confused person that he is right now. and staying objective, because i had to shift paradigms to give him the complete picture. and just like in the previous case, i encountered another sad story just today. another one of my friends is experiencing love problems of her own, although this time the decision is pretty much obvious. and not less painful.

now having done my good deeds to others who need my help, when will i be able to do my good deed to the one who needs it most -- myself? but then, a doctor can hardly be expected to diagnose himself. so ate helen really can't come to my rescue now.

time

for my best bud, in these turbulent times

it is not a thing to be held or to be kept
but it can be cherished

and when it passes we cannot see it
nor can we keep it from its path

it is not a thing
but it tells so much

and while you fear that not seizing the moment will rob you of your desires
on the contrary, time will show you exactly what you need and want
and a view from a distance gives a more comprehensive perspective

be not afraid of time or distance
for patience is a valuable virtue
and a love that endures is the love worth having

still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
still a little hard to say what's going on

still a little bit of your ghost your witness
still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
you step a little closer each day
and i can't see what's going on

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

still a little bit of your song in my ear
still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer to me
so close that i can't see what's going on

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to cry
so come on courage!
teach me to be shy
'cause it's not hard to fall and i don't want to scare her
it's not hard to fall and i don't wanna lose
it's not hard to grow
when you know that you just don't know

-- damien rice, cannonball

a fun-filled day

my muscles are killing me.

two days after my marathon fully-booked sports-filled hungover friday. it's just one of those days that i wanted to do so many things... if only traffic permits. and it's the one day i shouldn't have done it because i'd been running on too much borrowed steam.

my day started waking up at 6 in my former officemate's unit. i was helping her with her strama, and i stayed up till past midnight. i had no real problem waking up, it's just getting out of there and getting back to my place that bothered me. luckily i found enough change to make the two jeepney rides to my place. no need to take a cab yet... that problem comes a little bit later.

got home in good time and luckily (again) got a slot in the shower. i'd already prepared all my stuff, even my work clothes, so it was a breeze getting out again. now my problem is having enough change for cabfare... i had money but it's 500 bucks! what to do? so i walked to the pandesal bakery a few blocks over and bravely (but truthfully) answered the question, "wala ka bang smaller bill?" "wala po." a sheepish smile and a thank you later i hailed a cab to go meet my aunt. sana wala pa siya sa meeting place namin.

fast-track to rcbc... the venue of my weekly breakfast with my aunt. after getting settled i called her on the mobile. this had to be the one day that she is late. usually it was me, and i get a few dark looks from her after offering my flimsy excuses. well, she's my aunt so i can't really get mad. anyway i didn't really care about getting late... heheheheh

sometime after 8 i head off to my office, a good 20-minute ride to the heart of manila. i had some stuff i wanted to do, some things i wanted to accomplish... unfortunately i'm running out of steam. so i spent the whole day alternating between inspiration and feeling like a zombie. good thing my friend ness can be reached on the other end of the line... i had to talk to her twice to get my spirits up. this considering that i'm seeing her much later in the day.

at 5.30 (quitting time!) vangie (my boss) and i got out in record time and headed to the nearest mall. to practice at the bowling lanes. hahaha. we have an upcoming game this friday, and we wanted to get ready. so we had three games in all, with me pulling off a personal record of 124 points (without handicap ha!) if my team captain finds out she'll probably pray i get it again. but as she's my teammate from last year she'll probably expect something nearer to 80.

on my way back to makati i called morell (the friend i was helping with strama), said i couldn't meet her before she leaves for her badminton game, and promised to keep tabs on her the whole evening. i then head home to get my things for my own badminton game, which i was a bit late getting to, and everything proceeded as expected.

went back home because my friends are fetching me from makati. yehey! this is the funny part. i planned a gimik with my best buds lei and ness, ness' bf pao, and our friend gary, knowing full well i'll be late. and usually we hang out at megamall/shangri-la, so it was a great load off my back that i didn't have to go there pala. after they fetched me at home we went by greenbelt for me to meet morell, then drove around aimlessly because we couldn't decide where to go. finally we settled on pier one at the fort, because i had to eat, and we had to hang out at a place with lots of people (as compromise to lei's disco ;) but the two weeks of little sleep and the hangover from the singapore trip finally caught up with me. while i was still my witty self i did space out from time to time. so when the others suggested leaving around 1 i didn't protest too much. eventually us three girls got to ness' place and had a mini-chika fest before dozing off one by one.

so went my very hectic, thank-god-it's-friday. the day i was looking forward to all week, being the day after my humres finals and for all the above events that happened. this is the kind of day that makes me realize i'm addicted to company, and i want to be with people all the time if time, schedules, and traffic will allow. it's also manifested in the way i walk (rather fast, trying to overtake everybody) because i want to accomplish so much in the little time i have, and i don't want to waste it walking or traveling. i guess this is the bane of my life. i try to take on so many things that i forget to step back and relax during the day. does this mean i'm afraid of being alone? maybe. probably. or am i compensating for the time i waste lazing in bed or prowling about when i should have been doing something else? again, most likely. is it something i should change? that remains to be seen.

dear abby, part 2

dear jenny,

it's hard to be sensible about love, especially when it happens for the first time. even more difficult when there are many first times, as i'm sure you are bound to spell out. love is not just an event. it is a process. it doesn't happen all of a sudden, though many claim otherwise. and even if it did, it doesn't survive if not sustained, or nurtured, as you were asking.

it is true that it takes two people to sustain love. but a lot also depends on each person's discernment of the situation and the extent of their emotional control. i will not elaborate anymore, but both factors contribute in sustaining the relationship, and only if both parties direct them to the same outcome. it all boils down to choice. you can choose to fall in love anytime if you wanted to, but it involves knowing yourself and the other person thoroughly. and that is why it is hard to determine if a relationship is real love or not. because both people involved make choices on the extent of their involvement and how close to their true selves they allow themselves to be.

do not be afraid of love. if it's the wrong time, it will hurt but it will pass if not sustained. if it's the right time, it will still be hard but if you both want it bad enough you will get there. in the meantime, enjoy life as it comes. everything that happens to you is an emotional investment into your future.

abby

dear abby

one time i read a book where the main character writes for the school paper. one of her regular but little-known columns is the advice column. i then realized that it was something i would have wanted to do back in high school. aside from getting points for the fame (or infamy), it would have been a good use of my penchant for channeling "ate helen". i carried this persona into my adult years, and my best friends have always told me that i give sound advice. and one of the main reasons i even considered putting up my own blog is the chance to dole them out to other people. could be i'm a really frustrated emotional exhibitionist. but unsolicited or not, i put great value on my ability to discern many facets of one issue. it's deciding which side to finally focus on that i'm having a hard time with.

so this time i'm putting the blog to good use. here is a "dear abby" letter that i'm sure all of us have wanted to write.

---

dear abby,

is there something wrong with a person who has never fallen in love? what if a person has had so many close calls but never calls the bluff? is it a matter of pride? self-preservation? or stupidity? is it really possible that one knows his own mind so little as to mistake love for something else? or is it seeing purely in black and white when it is an interesting shade of gray?

how does one know if that one close call could really have been love? is love something that is either there or not? or is it something that comes with accepting the terms? something nurtured?

how does one go on when love is not the right word? how does one deal with expectation, pride and loss? most of all, how does one forget the pain of knowing one is wrong and the pain
of letting go?

sincerely, jenny (real name withheld for sake of contrived mystery)

abby's response to be posted soon

gusto mo bang sumama?

one in the morning. one of the rare moments i got through three chapters of my humres book, albeit haphazardly. after indulging my senti mood with doses of d'sound and julia fordham, i decided to finally break the seal of my week-old eraserheads anthology cd.

i bought the newly-released 2-cd compilation despite already having copies of my two favorite eheads albums. i figured, since i won't be buying the latter albums unless someone twisted my arm, this would be a opportunity to have a good cross sample of their songs. the first cd contains the hits of the first three albums, which were the most popular ones. the second cd took off from fruitcake, the thematically-cohesive but commercially-panned christmas album. it featured songs so divergent, a testimony to the varied musical styles and techniques the eraserheads employed in their later work.

starting off with the first cd, i skipped ligaya and pare ko and eventually landed on my favorite eraserheads song: alapaap. then it hit me. as the song progressed, several things came to mind.

1. i missed playing in a band. notwithstanding the fact that i'm not a really good bass player (well, not as good as buddy zabala anyway), i can coast through a few songs without sticking out like a sore thumb. and although guitar was really my first instrument (after piano of course) i'm more used to thinking in terms of playing bass. well, having my own bass guitar does help.
2. my favorite songs are usually the ones with kick-ass bass. kama supra (eraserheads), in the blood (better than ezra), this love (maroon5), aeroplane (red hot chili peppers), bullet with butterfly wings (smashing pumpkins), tea in the sahara (the police), it's my life (no doubt), are you in? (incubus) are some of them. i get more inspiration to play the really groovy songs although they're quite a challenge to learn.
3. buddy zabala is brilliant. (tagal ko nang alam 'to.)
4. did i already mention i missed playing?

sometimes when i think of what-ifs and what-might-have-beens i inevitably go back to this non-talent of mine. i wonder what would happen if i had been more industrious in learning, if i bothered to take lessons, if i wasn't oido-deaf. one of my brods has a never-ending struggle with songwriting; he's luckier than i am because at least he can compose songs (although they're all incomplete). it all goes back to my perennial problem of being a "jack of all trades, master of none". at times i wonder why i wasn't given one thing to really excel at, rather than having several things that i'm able to do but never be good at. maybe it's just my lot in life. or maybe i just needed to push myself a bit more.

i don't care what other people say about this song. a song is a song is a song. and this is a great song.

may isang umaga
na tayo'y magsasama
haya at halina
sa alapaap
o anong sarap

hanggang sa dulo ng mundo
hanggang maubos ang ubo
hanggang tumulo ang luha
hanggang mahulog ang tala

masdan mo'ng aking mata, 'di mo ba nakikita?
ako ngayo'y lumilipad at nasa langit na
gusto mo bang sumama?

'di mo na kailangan na magtago't mahiya
'di mo na kailangan nang humanap ng iba

kalimutan nang muna ang lahat ng problema
huminga ka ng malalim at tayo'y lalarga na
handa na bang gumala?

pa-parap-pa-pa (gazillion times)

ang daming bawal sa mundo
sinasakal nila tayo
buksan ang puso at isipan
paliparin ang kamalayan

masdan mo'ng aking mata, 'di mo ba nakikita?
ako'y lumilipad at nasa alapaap na

gusto mo bang (gusto mo bang) (7x)
gusto mo bang sumama?

-- eraserheads, alapaap

still awake

date: 22 april time: 0144 hrs

i got home from manila at 1030 last night. i'm sleepy, my back hurts, and i'm not even supposed to be surfing the net. thuuuuhhhhhhh.

should have been doing any of the following:

1. my application paper for tomorrow night's class (come to think of it, it's already today)
2. the assigned write-up on a friend for the high school yearbook (which is sooooo long overdue)
3. reading 3 of the 6 assigned chapters for class pa rin (i'm starting to hate this class)
4. sleeping. it's morning, for goodness' sake.

instead i'm posting another meaningless entry to my blog. buti na lang i'm on leave tomorrow.

guess i really could be the poster girl for procrastination.

well, just wanted to blow off some steam.

i'm going on

words. melodies. chords. instruments. thoughts.

all of these (and a lot more) make up a song.

yet you never know when a particular combination will appeal to you completely or drive you away.

at some point any sentimental song can be so thoroughly dissected for its meaning, and you try to see the connection to your own life.

but rarely does it happen that, word for word, a song has described your existence.

think tattooed on my mind. i do believe simone is my soul sister.

---

d'sound, people are people

i am the one who believes in all that you say
i am the one who never wants to define herself
i am the one who's parallel, upfront, behind
i am the one paddling like crazy through the night

refine, old time, colourblind
big sign, do time, doesn't rhyme
a lot, too much, standing tall
and i'm crying in the valley:
"i shall never, ever fall!"

people are people and i feel so strong
people are people and i'm going on

i am the one who stirs it up everytime
i am the one who never knows how close she is
i am the one who'd rather be dead than confess
i am the one, trying to be good, wanting to be bad and so on

excess, temptress, big mess
phoney, lonely, it's a test
be still my heart, don't you fail
and i'm crying on the stagefloor:
"i will always prevail!"

i'm going on...

wide-awake song syndrome

as i hung out in my bedroom trying to catch some zzzzs i was plagued by the mood i found myself in. and out of all the songs i had coming out of my cd player, one reached out its hand and held me by the throat -- and thus i found myself unable to sleep for a spell. hence the title of this piece.

how sad that i had to resort to a song playing over and over in my head to explain the level of sadness that i feel. and the song, in its own context, is not the same as the situation i find myself in. it's as if i was wishing that it had turned out that way, but reality is miles away from it. in fact i'm not sure if it's worth writing about at all. but the fact remains that i am compelled to write it down, to express my sadness as it demands to be expressed. better than saying it face to face to another person who may not understand (or may misunderstand, or worse, understand only too well). because doing that is acknowledging what may not, after all, exist. where only despair does.

while it is possible that a thing can be warranted just by acting as if it does exist, assumption (or presumption, in some cases) can only take you so far. and while a thing can be controlled for as far as you can and as far as you want, it is also true that where one's freedom begins is where another's freedom ends. and in such instances that requires the presence of another, it really is up to both to make something happen.

waited by the phone all day, thinking that you'd call, but you never did. you are different from before, now you've made me insecure like you never did. tell me it's not over now, will you? so i won't be hanging around, and you won't see me crying.

girl, you've got it wrong, you've been thinking all along that i've really changed. love's been knocking at your door, do you hear it? do you really, really care? tell me it's not over now, will you? so i won't be hanging around, and you won't see me crying.

take me into your sweet loving arms. let's make love like we've never done before (like we've never done before). tell me it's not over now, will you? say you love me, say it loud. say you want me, say it now. and you won't see me crying.

-- passage, you won't see me crying

confusion on a leap day

so many songs playing in my mind
but not the ones i could share
so many scenes i've played out
but the chance was just not there
so many words i wanted to say
but my tongue was in knots
so many times i wanted to try
but i was running scared

there is so much inside
that no one had ever seen
now i'm trying to give myself a chance
if only you'd agree
is it worth a shot, i wonder
or would i be let down?
have you asked yourself that question
or better, will you ever ask me?

if this was not to be
why did i have to waste my time
asking all these questions
so my heart could not reply?
is it really my fate
never to fall in love
'cause at this rate i'm going
i probably never will