open-ended nightmare

how can i fall, when you just won't give me reasons?

-- breathe, how can i fall

last night i took introspection into a new level.

with all that's been written, trying to comprehend what's happening, i was never satisfied with the answers i get. or rather, the questions they seem to lead to.

to sum up, i made a couple of misstatements in my last blog.

1. seeing other fish in the sea. sure, i get excited knowing that possibilities are finally opening up for me, as i had hoped. just so i wouldn't think of this person by default. i was wrong. i realized that while i was glad to finally come in contact with the unreachable star, so to speak, i still want to be with that other person more.

2. i don't feel the pain of weeks past. huh? maybe not to the extent that i felt hopelessly depressed as before. but the pain is still there nonetheless.

3. i'm not taking matters into my own hands. apparently i have, after all. just when i thought my stinging comment -- to which there has been no response yet -- looked harmless, my best guy friend pointed out to me that it was a gauntlet thrown to his face. subtle, but a challenge nonetheless. so now i have no choice but to wait and see. again.

the thing is, i had a brainwave last night. all that thinking. i already knew that i'm waiting to fall in love. what i realized is that he was, too. the same way i am. but scared of falling, and of falling for the wrong reasons.

however much i tried to deny it, it's actually so easy now to say that i've fallen. whether i really have or not is not the point anymore. what's stopping me, i wonder? acknowledgement? confirmation? reciprocation? the point is, i think i've finally accepted that i could fall in love. i don't know when i'll be certain of the extent of my feelings. or whether i really felt it because of the person he is or because practically he's the only one in my realm. and i guess i'll never know for sure until something happens.

so here i am. waiting. again.

thanks for talking with me last night, mike. you'll never know how close i've gotten to crying every time i'm opening up to you.

last buzz:

my horoscope today (or rather, yesterday). so scary.

Things were clicking along just fine. You two were going along like wheels on a bike. Then, suddenly, you had to cross a river, and nothing's quite been the same after that.