no end in sight

how i wish i could snap my fingers and end this right now.

every day that passes is another day of introspection, confusion, decision and reaffirmation. and i do this knowing that the next day i had to do it all over again.

waiting is a hard habit to break. especially when one has done it his whole life. as i have.

i've already tried more than once to get out of this phase. i've already decided to let go. at one point i have felt regret because i thought i was letting go too fast. but something always happens and i’m back to where i was. hanging in limbo. waiting. again.

is this just fate telling me something? just when i thought that the wires (or in this case, the mobile phone inbox) have become silent and empty, something else pops up in another dimension. and the messages that ride on another frequency get me confused even more.

on the contrary, is fate just testing my resolve? is it telling me something else altogether? is it showing me how unreliable mixed signals can be?

coincidentally i have so much going for me now that i don't feel the pain of weeks past. a change of environment has done me a lot of good. i've become less dependent on distraction to occupy my time. i've gotten part of my concentration back. and i don't feel as helplessly depressed as before.

nowadays my eyes have also opened up to other possibilities. luckily, it seems that i'm becoming aware of other fish in the sea. the point was brought home last night, when i had a close encounter with the guy of times past. someone i had not seen for months, but hopefully i'll see more of in the course of the term. up to now i still feel the excitement. and now i am reminded of the carefree days before i played this waiting game.

in spite of these, i find that i'm still waiting. and to some extent, i have also resorted to provocation. but still not in the realm of taking matters into my own hands. i'm too timid and inherently risk-averse to go to such lengths. just yet.

will the waiting ever end? will i ever know the true extent of my engagement? will he ever come through? will it be worth the wait? or will it stop, abruptly?

i'm still wishing that the wait will not be for much longer and that it will not be in vain. but until that time, i hope i enjoy it the way i'm beginning to.