dilemmas

how do you know if you matter to someone?

i asked this question a long time ago because i never knew if my instincts were right, or if it was just wishful thinking.

it was naive of me to think that love (or any form of it) is just black or white. even if i didn't like it, gray is such a big part of it. such that anything and everything can be subject to a million and one interpretations. anything we do can go one way or the other. it is hard to discern whether something really holds meaning or if it was just an empty phrase.

how do we move when we're going on nothing? nothing is crystal clear, everything is a muddle.

ignorance is bliss. it allows for the illusion that everything is perfect. but when the questions come, they remained unanswered. it won't keep you warm at night.

laying down all the cards entails a lot of risk. especially if someone is doing it for the first time. there is a fear of rejection and humilitation, and not going back to the way it was.

what middle ground can there be? minds are not on the same plane all the time. just when do you know if you've done too much or too little? who can tell it anyway?

in the first place, why can't we just come out and say what we want to say? why don't we go after what we want? why are we afraid of repercussions? expectations, disillusionment, are these really our responsibility?
all these questions and no answers. i've never had so many in my life, at a time when i needed them the least.