life in mono

everything is not all right.

i feel rotten. i ate a piece of cake for merienda but was not satisfied. i want to go out tonight but i feel guilty leaving my aunt and dad to care for my mum. my feelings of being ignored by some people are getting more magnified by the day. i'm trying to write a post for another website but can't seem to get it together. not to mention i've been trying to write this post since forever but couldn't hit on the right note to go on with it.

thing is, my mum is suffering from depression and whenever it happens (it's been off and on for the last 20 years) we're put in a rather delicate situation. now that i'm older, and supposedly more mature, i no longer have an excuse to leave it to the adults - not just the finances, but the daily management of the house and, more importantly, my mum's mental (and emotional) well-being. but all i want to do is hide in my bedroom with my gazillion romance paperbacks and come out when it's all over.

today we had to take her to a dermatologist to have her skin problems checked, and it was somewhat a production. considering that this episode of depression came about from her increasing number of health problems, she was worried that going to another doctor meant another treatment and another type of medicine to remember (which is usually the case). i can't help but get frustrated along with her trying to wrap her head around what needed to be done, when there's so much that needed to be dealt with at the same time.

(and here i stopped being emo and just forced myself to watch some tv. it distracted me a bit, but not much from my food cravings...)

so, anyway, life is rather different for now. other times i might shake my head a little whenever my mum is in hyper mode, but times like these i kinda miss it. almost. and to be quite honest, some of the depression spills over to me. it's pretty hard not to be depressed when you're living with someone who is.

world turning 'round

shocking news greeted me the other day as i got on the elevator with several officemates. one of our colleagues passed away the night before due to a heart attack. the guy was just a few years older than me.

it was a sad day for all of us.

i didn't know my officemate that well, but with our office the way it is (geographically speaking), people we know however slightly become fixtures that decorate our lives. i had one game against his team in our bowling tournament last year, yet every time we bump into each other at the pantry, we kept ribbing each other about our game. our ties might not have been as strong as chains, but they're like wisps of cotton that comforts because they're there. and now they're not.

that even mere acquaintances are feeling a keen sense of loss is somewhat a testament to the way he has lived among us. and maybe it is through this loss that god is teaching us what may be lacking in our own personalities. but mostly, i think god is teaching us how to be basically human - reaching out to other people not for any reason other than that they are also people.

god bless you lee van.