love, love is all around

in honor of my blog's second anniversary, here is a (still partial) list of my favorite christmas songs. hope you guys would get to listen to them sometime.

last christmas (wham!/jimmy eat world) -- i've loved this song since i was a kid. i have this distinct memory of driving down south superhighway (now pres. osmena ave.) and singing along to this song from the backseat. jimmy eat world's cover is more upbeat, but the fact remains: christmas = angst.

the christmas song (al jarreau) -- i think the most popular version of this song is the one by nat king cole, which is great, but al jarreau's is the one i fell in love with. i dunno why. it probably has something to do with the t.h. factor... not that nat king cole is that, but i feel that every other version is trying hard to channel him. with al jarreau, i feel it's all his own.

christmas is all around (billy mack) -- godawful song. i know. nuff said.

what child is this -- senti is as senti goes, this song isn't as popular as silent night or o holy night, which suits me just fine.

all i want for christmas (olivia olson) -- again, hangover from love, actually.

the christmas song (dave matthews) -- the first time i heard this song, i was so bowled over. i don't _hate_ dmb anymore. not much, anyway. ;) love the riff.

ano'ng gagawin mo ngayong pasko (ryan cayabyab) -- i recommend the san miguel master chorale version. the blending gives maximum goosebumps.

merry christmas everyone!

wish lists

christmas is my favorite time of the year for a number of reasons. sure, it's also the worst time ever to be hit by depression, but lots of other stuff made sure that i won't be stuck in that rut. one of them is the time-honored tradition of exchanging gifts.

there are many ways that this tradition can go wrong. one is if you don't have anyone to exchange gifts with, which almost happened to me this year if i hadn't been part of the hr christmas party. another is getting the worst gift ever. thank heaven somebody invented the wish list.

ah, wish lists. i actually started last month, when i posted my desired christmas gifts (however improbable to get) on the klite message boards. last week, out of sheer boredom, i actually constructed a list with three classifications: short-term achievable (like if i had an extra few thousand), intangible (more of services), and long-term achievable (aka next-to-impossible). as always, they were all about me -- selfish and materialistic are not overstatements.

of course, for exchange gift purposes i had to trim it to something more manageable and easier to find (for my gift mommy/daddy) and up to 500 pesos. so i had to think fast and come up with the things i liked but did not want to buy myself. i even asked my guy friends what cds they recommended, out of desperation. i finally ended up with this:

1. a pair of piglet (of winnie the pooh) bedroom slippers
2. a dvd of the incredibles
3. the starbucks christmas bear (the girl, of course -- it has its own doll)
4. memories of love -- the live cd for the concert of kevyn lettau, lou pardini and joe pizzulo held this year
5. bubble bath (even if i don't have a tub)

so, what's on your christmas wish list? and please, not world peace.

child at heart

hahaha!

i know i've always been a college kid at heart, so this really tickled me pink.

today i had to run some errands and i got on a jeep across from landbank (lb) going to olivarez. i looked into my coin purse and pulled out a 10 peso coin, which i then gave to the driver.

the change he gave me was 4 pesos.

(in case you've been living under a rock the past few months, the recently implemented jeepney fare rates have the adults paying 7.50 and the student fare is 6 pesos.)

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hay. i'm missing the urbandub gig today at capone's. this was one thing mike and i have been waiting for and planning for months, i even got ness to tag along. but no go. selfish intentions do cave against family obligations and filial piety.

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just got the rockstar cd. the main reason being jordis' version of my song of the moment, baba o'riley. i already have the csi intro theme on my cell (an edit of the who's who are you) so i'm just scouting for the csi ny theme now, which i want way, way more. selfish, selfish.

such fluff

10 am. everyone else is preoccupied with work. the diary isn't filled with the stuff to do before the trip tomorrow. it's the twins' birthday today. the excel file onscreen taunts me, daring me to snap out of lethargy. it's there, what i had to do, but thinking about it and how to go about it still confuses me.

anjanette does her final spiel this morning, and segues into the familiar opening licks from jeff buckley. i shift to the open explorer window, trying to stop myself from clicking the saved webpage.

i couldn't resist.

friendship between men and women is one of my pet fascinations. i love delving into the dynamics of intergender relationships, and i'm thankful that i have at least one male best friend. it's one of the reasons i enjoy seeing gary sinise and melina kanakaredes sharing a scene in csi: new york. the evidence of an enduring friendship between mac taylor and stella bonasera is inspiring. gil grissom and catherine willows may lord it over in fanficdom, the moderate popularity of mac and stella is more in tune with their low-key profiles anyway (though stella is definitely more striking).

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there is good reason why a fanfic is labeled "angst". it shouldn't be approached within ten paces this early in the workday. my eyes prick with the threat of tears while the song in my ear winds down. great. mac is saying his last goodbye to his colleague and friend lying in the casket, at the same time jeff buckley is screaming "it's over."

thank heaven stella is actually alive and kicking ass into season 2. but i have to wonder, is it wise to be caught up in the fictional lives of the new york city police department, the las vegas crime lab, the diagnostics department of princeton-plainsboro teaching hospital? when has staying up until 11 or 12 ever done me good, even with my heart bursting with joy from the temporary escape?

or is life passing me by without me actually living it, except in my head?

just shoot me

this blog has been giving me a hard time. i can't count how many times i've edited the last entry for errors... in paragraph placement! i can't believe how that could happen.

the little planet that could

a semi-sweet and not too mushy love story, or a quirky comedy. hidden treasures in a sea of mediocrity.

for several weeks i have constantly and consistently fed my evil indulgent little heart of one of its greatest pleaures -- a weekly date with that small colored box. and the greatest attraction was a doctor. no, make that doctors. call me weird, but i'm so fascinated by the pill-popping, wisecracking diagnostician named house. odd name for someone whose bedside manner is blatantly absent.

i've always been drawn to tv shows that make me think; though not the discovery channel kind of thinking, more like murder she wrote. and a lot of weird puns sure brighten up my day. remember the early years of picket fences and ally mcbeal, when david e. kelley is the main story writer? that's the kind of plot development and dialogue i go for. and for now, house m.d. seems to give me that same buzz. axn is showing its first season, now on the 10th episode, and so far i think i haven't missed a single one since it started. it's mainly about dr. house, played by hugh laurie (who played stuart little's father... uhm, i wouldn't have pegged him to be the same guy). house is this really great doctor and his main specialty is finding out what's exactly wrong with the patient -- which, if you watch the show, doctors seemed to have a hard time doing. he has this team of assistants, a hospital dean he always gets into verbal tussles with, and this unlikely friendship with the oncology department head. so what's the catch? house is very sarcastic. he has this way of saying stuff that is not for the weak of heart. and that is the main source of humor. check this out:

i am a bored(?) certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious diseases and nephrology. i'm also the only doctor employed at this clinic who is here against his will... but not to worry, because for most of you this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of motrin. speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this. this is vicodin. it's mine. you can't have any. and no, i do not have a pain management problem, i have a pain problem. but who knows? maybe i'm wrong. maybe i'm too stoned to tell. (ep. 1.02 occam's razor)

oh, i forgot. he pops vicodin because of his leg. i'll leave you to find out what happened to it. but what you'll notice immediately is that he uses a cane. so is he an unbearable sob because of it? i don't think so. he's an unbearable sob in spite of it. this is a guy we love to hate, but we can't, kasi kawawa naman. how ironic!
i'll end this with more house-isms to keep you guys interested (i hope). i won't tell who's who, i'll leave that for next time. or maybe you'll want to find out on your own.

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but the philosopher jagger once said: "you can't always get what you want."

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wilson: that smugness of yours really is an attractive quality.
house: thank you. it was either that or get my hair highlighted. smugness is easier to maintain.

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sister eucharist: the sisters tend to interpret their diagnosis as divine intervention.
house: and you don't? then you're wearing an awfully funny hat.

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foreman: what's wrong with you?
house: everyone knows what's wrong with me. what's wrong with him is much more interesting.

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wilson: you know how some doctors have the messiah complex - they need to save the world? you've got the rubik's complex - you need to solve the puzzle.

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and my personal quote for the day:
normally i would put on a festive hat and celebrate the fact that the earth has circled the sun one more time, i really did not think it would make it this year. darn it, if it was not the little planet that could all over again.

(sources? look at my gutter... whatever house sites you see there. i'm too lazy to specify which ones right now.)

love, actually, is all around

a tribute to one of the best british comedies ever made

as usual, i spent last weekend getting my small screen fix. i now have a tv schedule for saturday and sunday nights. at 7 there's queer eye for the straight guy, then gilmore girls at 8, saturday night live at 9, and finally house at 10. sunday is csi marathon, and even if csi and csi: ny are yet to air new seasons, i'm still catching up with the old episodes. in a way i'm almost glad my dad is away for a few months so that i can keep to my schedule, not get banished to my aunt's tv -- or get him out of the couch myself. not good daughter behavior, i know.

but as i was channel surfing at almost 9 last sunday, i stumbled across an opening sequence of a movie on star and the studio canal credits struck a dormant memory.

goodbye, csi. hello, loveactually.

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love actually is one of my all time favorite films. the first i heard of it was through entertainment news, and when i found out both hugh grant and colin firth were on it, i immediately put it on my wish list. then i saw the rest of the cast, and i was like, wow. this small british comedy isn't so small after all, when you see names like liam neeson, emma thompson and alan rickman (snape on harry potter). the film was directed by first-timer richard curtis, who had written the story, and was also known for co-writing the screenplay to bridget jones's diary. and rowan atkinson (mr bean), one of the regulars in curtis's films (think four weddings), also has a cameo (but surprisingly has top billing).

i was so excited about this film, even more so than when i first saw bridget jones, that i got the screenplay and the soundtrack even before the movie was shown. hence i know the story inside out, even the little sub-plots that didn't make the final cut. it was almost the same as watching the film over and over and over. and this before i even saw the finished product itself.

would you believe that last sunday was only the second time i saw the movie?

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since this was a gp showing, i noticed a lot of cuts. one storyline was completely eliminated, which wasn't really explicit except that both characters met as stand-ins for actors in a porn movie. whoa. aside from that, a lot of the explicit language wasn't cut, and so i was relieved. somewhat.

but watching it for the second time, i realized why some people would be turned off by the multiple storylines -- it was confusing. what more if the john and judy story was included. later on i wondered, if i didn't know the story so well while i watched the movie for the first time, would i really understand it? i guess not. but some relationships between the individual stories were more obvious than others, and i would have got the general gist of it. the rest, i would have got them eventually.

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romantic comedies (especially british ones) are my favorite kind, and love actually expectedly has the top points for the things i love in a movie. it has a great ensemble cast, which i also love, and multiple plots keep me really interested. my favorite story is about the pm and the assistant (hugh grant and martine mccutcheon). and while i was watching last sunday, i realized why. natalie (martine) is slightly conscious of her bigger built (like i am) but very pretty (like i am not). and here was this good-looking, intelligent, unattached guy who fell for her at first sight. the fact that he was her boss, the prime minister, wasn't a significant detail for her, but the situation was significant for him. as it turned out, david really went for natalie's type, so it wasn't just the proximity (though it did create some problems). and that despite his power, david really was just this awkward guy inside. and the endearing part is, when he finally got around to pursuing natalie, he didn't use his position.

their story drove home what real love can make you do. it can make you write a christmas card and admit your feelings without expecting something in return. it can make you knock on one hundred doors on the busiest night of the year, and do all sorts of things, just to get to that person you loved. maybe it is wrong to perpetuate that kind of idealistic thinking, but when you love, you should be prepared to do whatever it takes.

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i recall greg behrendt's words when someone told him about the trope pinoy guys. he said something like if we wanted to settle for the shy guys, that's fine. but wouldn't it be better if the guy got up his courage and went after us?

maybe i get doubts whether my pride and my standards are too high. but i think i'll wait for the day when that someone who is worth my time will finally come along. and it will also be that someone that i am prepared to do anything for.

one bad trip

sometimes life just won't go the way you want it to. it doesn't stay bad all the time, it just seems that way. and when you're in that zone, even good things can pull a fast one. it's all in the mind.

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a lot of people probably dream of bumming but don't really do it for extensive periods of time. and not having what you want probably increases the attraction a hundredfold. so you just settle for a weekend of spending quality time in front of the telly, even at the expense of good sleep. nothing beats the tiredness at the end of the day, the guilt at all the time wasted, the highs of pretending you got something out of it, and the simple joy of having your own way.

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happiness is a perception. it reflects the relative value of something in our life. long-term happiness can mean that we really are getting much of what we wanted. or it could mean that we are not putting much importance on the things that are absent. but the small things that make us happy are just as significant. they get us through those sad times. they bring color into our drab lives. they give us hope that one day, there'll be more.

feeling blue

i just hate that feeling when you think everyone is getting on with their lives and you're being left behind.

especially when it's someone you thought you really cared about.

yup, i really am a jealous person. with a capital J.

be yourself

i love psych tests!

hey, see a link on my gutter that says rikrik adbentyurs? that's the blog of jugs (yeah, i know, itchyworms). and that's where i got the link to this pretty cool psych test. try it out, because the description it gave me fits me to a t.

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ISFP

You're gentle and compassionate...open and flexible...considerate of others and do not for views and opinions on them. Often focus on meeting others needs...pleasant, quiet and kind....at their best ensuring others well-being. Caring and sensitive....modest and reserved..

OK...you enjoy subjects that relate to helping and knowing about people... art ... computers and history classes if these classes are taught with an applied, sensible approach.. and if objectives relate directly to everyday lives....

You're somewhat artistic, aren't you? You could probably post a great poem on the Storm Palace, huh? You dislike structure, because it takes away from your spontaneity and freedom. You like leisure, and seek it out. You savor it...probably say "stop and smell the roses"...You have a personal and humorous approach that is unique...

Patient and flexible..easy to get along with and no need to dominate others. You don't need to lead, and are a loyal follower...good team members... You're trusting and understanding...

Love to you is utter devotion and loyalty... when you first fall in love, you may feel consumed by it...."falling in love with love" ...focus on the romance of it all..you are constantly nourishing the relationship... When scorned, you probably retreat and repeatedly analyze the situation internally....When you let go finally, you can be more assertive again...

You organize things according to their personal and humanistic values. You like a work setting that contains cooperative people... leadership style involves personal loyalty as a means of motivating others... prefer team approach...likes to enjoy life...

Be careful of the following: you can lose out when you neglect your own needs. because you see others' needs so clearly, and because you're heavily motivated toward meeting others' needs, you may overlook your own requirements. You need to learn how to respect own needs more and to be assertive and direct with others in asking for their help and for time to take care of themselves.

You also lose out when you are afraid of conflict and mismanage it as a result. You take personal responsibility for conflicts and issues that in actuality belong to others. You become hurt and withdraw. Finally, you can lose out when you become self-critical, and do not appreciate your own accomplishments.

ISFP: "I Seek Fun & Pleasure" (amen!!!)

you can never have too much information. hehehehehe.

all or nothing

kahapon nag-kwentuhan kami ni lei sa ym. wala lang, nagsasayang lang ako ng oras sa internet sa bahay. shempre napunta na naman ang usapan sa love life (san pa nga ba?) at ang masasabi ko lang ay... hayyyyy.

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bakit nga ba nahihirapan ako sa love life ko? masyado bang mataas ang expectations ko? lagi na lang kasing meron akong makikilala na akala ko pwede na, pero patutunayan ng magdadaang panahon na wala pala akong binatbat. eh kasi parang ako na lang lagi ang nagkakagusto. sa tingin ko ok lang naman ako, pero sa tinagal-tagal ng panahon eh magtatanong ka na talaga kung ano ba'ng wala sa kin. ang labo kasi. siguro iba rin yung nararamdaman nung mga taong lagi na lang nasasaktan sa mga relasyon nila. pero buti pa nga sila naranasan nila na merong nagpahalaga sa kanila. ako, wala. well, hindi naman sa totally wala, pero lam nyo na ibig kong sabihin.

hindi ko rin maintindihan yung gusto mo yung tao pero hanggang don ka na lang. ako kasi kung gusto ko yung tao... hindi ko naman liligawan kasi conservative ako. pero ganon. siguro tama nga yung sabi nung mga kaibigan kong lalaki (tsaka nung mga regular audience ko dito) na pag talagang gusto ng lalaki eh liligawan talaga nya. ang lagay pala, if ever me gusto man sa kin sino man dun sa mga lekat na taong yon eh hindi nila ako ganon ka-gusto. ang sad di ba, parang lugi ako lagi. siguro nga hindi sila yung para sa akin, pero tulad nga ng sabi ko kanina, sa tagal ng panahon eh mag-iisip ka na talaga.

ako lang ba talaga yung me problema? siguro nga nag-e-expect din ako. pero ganun yata talaga ako eh. kasi nangyari na rin sa kin na hindi ko talaga gusto yung nagkagusto sa kin, kahit anong sabihin mo eh ayaw ko talaga. hindi ako pwedeng pilitin. at talagang iiwasan ko yon. hindi na rin siguro ganon ka-drastic ang reaction ko pero palagay ko hindi pa rin ako mapipilit. so pag gusto ko, gusto ko talaga. to the point na rin siguro na hindi na ako pragmatic mag-isip. at ang matindi, dun na lang iikot ang mundo ko.

ano na ba'ng gagawin ko? masaya nga ang buhay, enjoy, pero laging me kulang. usually kung sino man yung pinagtutuunan ko ng atensyon, pag wala sya lagi na lang kulang. kailangan ba talaga maranasan ko na magmahal talaga, yung hindi naghahanap ng kapalit? siguro nga puro selfish yung nararamdaman ko sa ibang tao. kasi hindi ko pa rin binibigay yung lahat kung alam ko na hindi ako papansinin. siguro pag alam kong hindi ako papansinin, pipigilan ko na lang para hindi ako mag-expect lalo, pero feeling ko naman ako yung may kulang...

it's the perfect ending

when will i really learn to let go?

i woke up and called this morning
the tone of your voice was a warning
that you don't care for me anymore

i made up the bed we sleep in
i looked at the clock when you creep in
it's 6 a.m. and i'm alone

did you know when you go
it's the perfect ending
to the bad day i was just beginning
when you go all i know is
you're my favorite mistake

well, your friends are sorry for me
they watch you pretend to adore me
but i'm no fool to this game

now here comes your secret lover
she'd be unlike any other
until your guilt goes up in flames

did you know when you go
it's the perfect ending
to the bad day i've gotten used to spending
when you go all i know is
you're my favorite mistake
you're my favorite mistake

well maybe nothin' lasts forever
even when you stay together
i don't need forever after
it's your laughter won't let me go
so i'm holding on this way

did you know, could you tell
you were the only one that i ever loved
now everything's so wrong

did you see me walking by?
did it ever make you cry?

you're my favorite mistake
you're my favorite mistake
you're my favorite mistake

you're my favorite mistake

-- sheryl crow, my favorite mistake

yeah, whatever

when you can't do anything with your life, you can always blog!

i'm hiding out in the school study area, afraid to cross my prof's path... hay. i never felt confident enough to face my prof, now look where it got me. nowhere. and fast. just over a week to go before judgement day. i don't know why i'm prolonging the agony... or on the other hand, why can't i pull myself together? i can do it. i can do it. i just can't see beyond that insurmountable roadblock. have i really gone as far as i could go? i think not. but in my mind is a big blank wall that i can't push myself through.

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it's funny how life is sometimes. i don't know why god gave me something to think about, and think about it i did! just when i can't stand any more distractions, i keep getting hit by them. i dunno. i could look at it as a test, i suppose. and if that's the case, i flunked it big time like i might be flunking my paper. on the other hand, is it consolation for the lack of progress? like, because i feel like an underachiever, something in my life is finally going my way?

or is it the vehicle for finally putting my old problem (for lack of a better word) into its proper perspective? because honestly, all that confusion i've associated with that previous object has been totally replaced by this constant giddiness i feel (just ask my best friends). so maybe it wasn't a dead-serious thing after all, that "before" thing. because if it can be as easily replaced by something so trivial and lighthearted, it wasn't strong enough to pass the test. i dunno. time will tell, i guess.

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i remember the day i rediscovered this song. i was thinking of someone else that time, but (at the back of my mind) out of the corner of my eye, i also saw that person who was just within reach. now all those "last" songs that i so loved (jeff buckley's last goodbye, keane's this is the last time, the sundays' here's where the story ends) have a different meaning, now that the person who was just there isn't there any more. and to quote another 80's hit,

i don't know how it happened, it all took place so quick. -- dire straits, your latest trick

something just happened. and i found out almost too late.

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(by the way, the lyrics look ridiculous... but these are the best i could find. maybe this is how it really goes.)

i wanted to be with you alone
and talk about the weather
but traditions i can trace against the child in your face
won't escape my attention
you keep your distance with a system of touch
and gentle persuasion
i'm lost in admiration could i need you this much
oh, you're wasting my time
you're just wasting time

something happens and i'm head over heels
i never find out till i'm head over heels
something happens and i'm head over heels
ah don't take my heart
don't break my heart
don't throw it away

i made a fire and watching it burn
i thought of your future
with one foot in the past now just how long will it last
no no no have you no ambition
my mother and my brothers used to breathe in clean air
and dreaming i'm a doctor
it's hard to be a man when there's a gun in your hand
oh i feel so...

something happens and i'm head over heels
i never find out till i'm head over heels
something happens and i'm head over heels
ah don't take my heart
don't break my heart
don't throw it away

and this my four leaf clover
i'm on the line, one open mind
this is my four leaf clover
this is how time flies

-- tears for fears, head over heels

have a break

one week to go before strama deadline... can i make it?

before i start off on my quest for excellence, i just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head. as if!

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i've always had difficulty dealing with boys. especially when my feelings are engaged. being the tomboy i am, i can always go the "one of the boys" route. but when i need to be different, and when one of those boys means something beyond friendship for me, i get all lost. i never really learned how to play that male/female thing. and being the real segurista person i am, i am appalled at the idea of even hinting that i feel something. it's not because i was this way before. it's just because i'd been burned really early in life, like when i was still in grade school. i know, kids are jerks sometimes. but when they grow up, sometimes they stay the same too.

i know all those cliches. no pain, no gain. no guts, no glory. but come on! the thing is, is good-natured teasing a good enough basis for taking a risk? i think not. i've waited this long to get involved, i think i deserve a louder knock on my door.

guys, i really need your help on this. i want concrete true-to-life advice. none of those stuff that serve my ego. how can i let him know he's ok with me without actually saying it? i think i've done my part, like not complaining when i get teased. the problem is, i don't feel chummy enough to ask him point blank about himself. we only had a relationship based on proximity, and not even that close in the first place. my best guy bud said that i'll know only when he's finally out of my life. the suspense is killing me.

q&a

i have a question. how do trackbacks work? what if i saw a blog entry on someone else's blog, and i want to write a whole commentary (not just a paragraph) based on that entry? obviously i've read the primer from the blog city admin, but i'm too lazy to look for the actual configuration... or how to get permissions and all that stuff. and honestly, i really don't have the time to do that right now. in fact, the last five minutes i spent writing this entry would have been better spent on something else. but that's just how i am.

how to dismantle an atomic bomb

and the other solutions to pressing problems, like finding world peace and the cure for aids.

u2 always gives me a buzz. my favorite among their new songs is the current single, city of blinding lights. it's romantic pala, especially when you hear the chorus. my all-time favorite song is stay (faraway, so close), i think from achtung baby, i don't remember. the title suggests something romantic, right? and if you hear the melody, you would think it was. but i read the lyrics just a couple of weeks ago and i realize it was about domestic violence (i think). hahaha was i way off mark there.

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so i was right all along. somewhere in this site i wondered how i was going to get over a major distraction, which at the time hadn't taken on massive proportions like that of a few weeks ago. what do you know? you fight off a distraction by getting distracted with something else! but make sure you have a deadline for that, so that the distraction does not become an object of obssession as well...

too many reruns

axn aired csi's season finale just a few hours ago.

it was sooooo good.

and the funny thing about it is that you don't find many clues about the director until near the end, during the dream sequence. i read somewhere that there's no chance in hell quentin tarantino was giving up this episode after he read the script. and i'm glad.

back to the real world now.

pathetic is as pathetic does

i have three songs in lss mode. the first one is coldplay's speed of sound. not that surprising with the airplay it's been getting, but considering the way i felt about the band before this record, it was a miracle. this is one song i loved from a band i hated (the other one is be yourself by audioslave). not that i'm changing my mind about the previous singles, i just changed my mind about the band. now i can be an authentic fan of brit music.

the next one is u2's sunday bloody sunday. it was almost two weeks ago when i met up with ness and i dropped over at tower to look at the merchandise. they are having a full blast promotion of the old u2 albums, and for the first time i listened to some live albums, which featured the song. it has a different sound when performed live, and i loved it.

the last one is an uncanny choice, constantly by vanessa williams. i kept hearing the song left and right because of nina and mymp, but it stuck because it describes partly what state i'm in right now. however much i try, i can't seem to avoid it. can't seem to think of anything else.

bits and pieces

blah blah blah

i keep trying but i can't seem to get it. not everyone is born to be a poet, i know. but sometimes i just want to be obscure and plain text just doesn't do it for me. sometimes i wonder how songwriters create something so structured and cohesive, even if a lot of these lyrics are cheesy. the mere fact that they're there speaks volumes about creativity, while i can hardly even think of a sentence without starting with the word "i".

---

the weekend has been a great time for me to just chill. not that i haven't been doing that for the last week, at the expense of my precious paper (hmmm, my precious? nyahahahahaha). i've been pampered here at home for the last 4 nights -- i decided to go home late on friday, partly due to practical reasons. i've been glued to the telly all weekend and catching up on my favorite shows: csi, queer eye, pimp my ride, even season 10 of friends. so i won't be whining about my paper coz it was my own fault anyway.

---

there are some things you just can't stop thinking about. for me, there's my strama paper. in fact, i wonder why it wouldn't write itself, when i can't seem to get it out of my mind. but there's something else that's competing for attention. and i wonder why i can't stop thinking about it either. is it because there's that uncertainty involved? as long as i know things aren't clear cut, there's still hope? i would be the first one to say that this kind of optimism is crap, but with these things, rational thinking never counts. i don't know. i guess if i were to tell this story to my cousin, his first response would be along the lines of "are you blind?????" or maybe, "are you out of your mind?????" because i'm sure, i would tell that to me if i could. i can't get past it, and there's no cure just yet.

---

and because of that, i've been reduced to looking up lyrics and singing them in my head, if only to relieve somewhat the duplicity i've had to engage in. it's really hard when you're new at this game. this was the reason i never messed with these things before. i am totally wary of taking risks, and i totally suck at coping with hurt. now i'm questioning the wisdom of steering clear of involvements because now i've had to begin too late in life. sometimes staying at the sidelines and viewing life from the outside doesn't really prevent you from getting hurt when it's time. is it really better to have avoided all that? maybe i wouldn't be as scared as i am now. maybe i wouldn't have been jaded with all that i didn't experience. maybe i would have been more discerning of where i am now, and i would have gone on to the next thing, instead of hanging on because this was the first time i even thought about taking a risk. maybe i wouldn't be wishing that my life is unemcumbered for the wrong reason.

---

i can't bear to think about what happens when this is over. i don't want to know the disappointment i will surely feel. that i wasted too much on what wasn't really a worthy cause. or did i even make much of an effort in the first place? too much time has been spent just to realize that i was wrong after all. essentially, i know that it will come if it was meant to be. but when half of me is convinced that it really will while the other half is equally convinced that it won't, it's pretty hard to decide which outcome i'll be hoping for. is the agony of not knowing the lesson i had to learn? it seems to me that i've spent my whole life in this particular agony, shouldn't i be learning a new lesson now? and even now, i'm disappointed that this agony had to be endured because of something that isn't even worthy of it. not that the subject is. but even if i feel strongly about it, what if it was really lukewarm in reality? what if i'm just being delusional? why can't my instincts show me where i really am?

why can't i quit while i'm ahead?

sunday bloody sunday

times are rare when sunday seems like a real weekend. today there are no worries, no anxieties, no last-minute fuss. the whole day is devoted to the serious business of bumming, chilling out, and watching csi ny reruns, without having to think of waking up early tomorrow.

the weather isn't the best, but just cool enough to help me keep my mind on track. ha. that's funny. as if i would dare tell what nonsense i've been working on.

i can't believe the news today
oh, i can't close my eyes and make it go away

how long...
how long must we sing this song?
how long? how long...
'cause tonight... we can be as one tonight

broken bottles under children's feet
bodies strewn across the dead end street
but i won't heed the battle call
it puts my back up
puts my back up against the wall

sunday, bloody sunday
sunday, bloody sunday
sunday, bloody sunday
alright let's go

and the battle's just begun
there's many lost, but tell me who has won
the trench is dug within our hearts
and mothers, children, brothers,
sisters torn apart

sunday, bloody sunday
sunday, bloody sunday

how long...
how long must we sing this song?
how long? how long...
'cause tonight... we can be as one tonight...

wipe the tears from your eyes
wipe your tears away
i'll wipe your tears away
i'll wipe your tears away
oh, wipe your blood shot eyes

sunday, bloody sunday
sunday, bloody sunday
yeah let's go

and it's true we are immune
when fact is fiction and tv reality
and today the millions cry
we eat and drink while tomorrow they die

the real battle yet begun
to claim the victory jesus won
on...

sunday bloody sunday
sunday bloody sunday

-- u2, sunday bloody sunday

i need a break

exercise releases endorphins. endorphins make you happy. so how the heck did this happen?

this just came out of nowhere. i woke up early for once, showed up at the gym, had coffee and came to work late (at par with my usual time in when i go to gym). i'm physically present but my mind is wandering. and suddenly i stumbled into that no-man's-land. i am now so depressed.

luckily for me i'm going to attend a seminar out of the office, maybe thinking about something else will get me out of this funk. but if this mood keeps up i'm gonna have to call reinforcements.

last 2 minutes

no one else knows how much work i still have to put into my strama more than i do. it's like my waking hours are all spent thinking about how to finally get it done. still, the little voice in my head can't be gagged. and i still can't resist the words "hang out". ness should how those words can crumble my resolve in a heartbeat.

so, let's try this out. something i learned in the three years i've been back to school. at least those boring lectures weren't completely wasted on me. one of the theories in personnel management has something to do with how you motivate an employee in the workplace. i don't really remember the name or how it goes exactly (and i'll probably be mixing a hodgepodge of theories here), but basically it says that someone can be motivated to do something when he knows the rewards he'll get once that deed is accomplished. sounds pretty intuitive, doesn't it? actually, most behavioral science theories (or any theory for that matter) should be intuitive.

just so i can get it over with. here are the things i plan to do after i finish my strama paper. as in really finished.

1. read lots and lots and lots of books. i have two spanking new agatha christie mysteries sitting in my bookshelf. then there are those e-books i downloaded, and harry potter 2, 3, 4, and now 6.
2. see lots and lots and lots of movies. once a week at the box office, if i can swing it. loads more on dvd and vcd. i've missed a lot of movies these past few months. sigh.
3. hang out and down a couple of beers. i've set a date with my cousin to have drinks after work, i think it was more than a year ago already, and we still haven't done it. now he's already including his brother and sister, that was more than a month ago. and we still have not done it.
4. watch more free gigs. megastrip is always a great place on friday nights, especially when you chance on a free gig. you get to chat with friends at the coffee shop and get to hear great music at no extra cost.
5. study for exams. alas, november and december is actuarial exam season. but it's time to get back on this path, since i've put it on hold three years ago. besides, this seems to be a good time to finally pass those exams, and catch up with those friends who've left me behind. heheheh.
6. go over my clutter. since i'll be closing a chapter in my life, this would be the best time to reorganize the loads of stuff i've accumulated. time to throw out those photocopies and clear out those boxes.
7. back to the treadmill. i haven't gone to the gym regularly for some time, and i've missed my regular badminton schedule with officemates for months. after the paper i have all the time in the world to devote to physical activity. yipee!
8. practice. my friend nex has invited me to join her performance group (she is an actress/theater buff) though i have doubts about my ability to create music. but i really miss playing music with friends, and maybe i'll have to chance to get together with mike and mayen and improve my chops.

only a few more weeks, i hope... and i can't wait!

question everything

talk is cheap. and everyone is taking advantage of the discounts.

i am a fence-sitter by nature. i try not to get in the middle of an argument; i avoid taking sides in public; i am usually careful about making statements because i do not like to be caught flat-footed.

i became aware of politics at a very early age. i couldn't avoid it, however much i wanted to. i was treading on dangerous ground, though we all pretended we weren't. so when i got older i lacked the rebellious (or activist) tendencies of people my age. some people might have thought that a person with a developed social consciousness that i had would have been out there running for student council, or joining cause-oriented organizations. sure i participated in sit-outs, or at no-tuition-hike marches around the campus. otherwise i couldn't care less. and the fact is, the other kids who were like me didn't want to deal with any more politics either.

which brings me to today. these past weeks i have been listening to all that talk on the media about the president. my roommate would whine about her clients getting worried, and we would agree that this sort of thing is actually normal. someone at the office would react at another statement, and would invite comment with her conviction that pgma should resign. all throughout i listened, watched, observed. i would utter non-committal statements, throw out questions, agree on some points. but i don't think i'll ever make a public stand about my opinion. to be honest, the conspiracy surrounding the whole presidency issue is too complex for one to be able to comprehend completely, because we are not god and we are not omniscient. i'll just wait for the events to unfold, because only then can we know where we are headed to.

we'll never feel bad anymore

i only dare imagine.

past midnight. edsa. on your way home. stereo on full volume.

you spent the last few hours with the people who come first in your life -- your best friends. you've been talked out, sleepy, but high on caffeine. you're tired, but you don't want the night to end.

you've run out of excuses, so you head home. cruising on the highway. everything that happened is replayed in your mind. knowing little else gives you this kind of contentment.

it will happen once or twice in your lifetime. thrice if you're lucky.

i don't drive, so i can only imagine. nevertheless, the feeling is hardly made-up.

when you're on a holiday
you can't find the words to say
all the things that come to you
and i wanna feel it too

on an island in the sun
we'll be playing and having fun
and it makes me feel so fine
i can't control my brain

when you're on a golden sea
you don't need no memory
just a place to call your own
as we drift into the zone

on an island in the sun
we'll be playing and having fun
and it makes me feel so fine
i can't control my brain

we'll run away together
we'll spend some time forever
we'll never feel bad anymore

we'll never feel bad anymore

-- weezer, island in the sun

ode to youth

of birthdays and the days in between

october 19th. the eve of my 23rd birthday. we were all there waiting. so many excuses. finally you did come, and you made our day.

december 4th. ces' 20th birthday. we all piled into frank's car, which was still in its original paintwork, and headed to your house to fetch you. your city was a fun place to get lost in, when you're young and with friends you love.

november 20th. two days before frank's 20th birthday. i decided to cut out and run because i can't decide between frank's party and ness's party. so while i was wearing out my feet in hongkong, you were having a blast at the mall and frank's house.

one day in june. i'm sure it wasn't on the day of your 20th birthday. we spent a whole day at your house, met your parents and siblings, conducted some semblance of a workshop, and headed to the theater to see the controversial rosanna roces movie.

november 22nd. frank's 23rd birthday. you might say everyone who was anyone was there, except the one who i would've expected to be there. where were you? i didn't find out until much later.

december 8th. four days after ces celebrated her 23rd. i was worried about what my folks would say about getting home late, but it didn't matter. it was the last time i would see you, and you didn't even know it.

june 17th. you would have been 27 today. sometimes i wonder if our ties would be much stronger if we were given a chance to build them. maybe it's just our fate to have a few bittersweet memories to share. maybe we needed to wake up and stop being complacent. life is too short to waste wishing for something better.

can we still be friends?

dear sir: i know you. you are the bane of my existence. you come into my life, once in a while, when i least expect it. or i can see you coming, but i say, "bring it on!" sometimes you don't call my bluff, but sometimes you do. and now that you have, i want to get rid of you. you've proven your mettle. you can not be commanded like a common soldier. i am your slave. i am at your mercy. so there. yours, etc.

dear miss: i am not out to prove anything. i just am. so please drink your gallons of water and dope up with vitamin c. maybe in a week's time you'll be ok. but that i cannot promise, nor can i decide. i just am. sincerely, mr. cold virus.

---

it amazes me sometimes how i got myself surrounded by a motley group of friends. people are supposed to be different from one another, but the whole point of having friends is that we get connected by a common interest. apart from that, even my closest buddies are much, much different from me. i could count off all the ways my best friends are distinct from me and even among themselves, but it will take me the whole night. is that also the reason why we stick to them? because we live vicariously through other people? when we aren't capable of being something, we have someone who can do it for us. i don't know about the others, but that's what i do. because living my own life, while not exactly the worst lot in the world, can be pretty boring after 5 minutes.

---

mandy moore isn't my favorite singer in the world, and she's not in the same league as, say, nicole kidman in the acting department. but i was impressed with her gamble of a third album, a collection of rare covers (aptly titled coverage). this entry's title is one of the reasons i was so into this album. she also does a mean cover of joe jackson's breaking us in two, while lei swears by cat steven's moonshadow. or was it senses working overtime?

you are what you wear

how ominous can a shirt be?

early this afternoon i was watching the tube for sightings of hale. the band performed broken sonnet live on a.s.a.p. and right after, i saw the vid of the day you said goodnight at myx. then i saw parokya ni edgar's plug for their celebrity vj slot, specifically the opm myx (i think) slot this coming week. darius was chosen to be the spokesperson for this spot. after watching the ad several times i finally noticed some of the details, and one surprised me a heck of a lot. darius was wearing a dubista shirt!

a few minutes later, i chanced upon mtv siesta hosted by this guy called john joe. his guests on the show is a hindu-esque act so i got a little confused whether this was really an mtv pilipinas segment. and then i saw it again. john joe has on a blue shirt with the word urbandub in yellow. the same one darius was wearing. what the...?

unable to come to terms with my envy, i told mike all about it. and guess what? he also has his own dubista shirt, given by his colleague who was singularly responsible for making us fans of this band. d-oh!

one day i'll get my own dubista shirt, count on it. just you wait.

---

along with hale i also saw parokya perform at asap with andrew e. i guessed right away that they were going to do okatokat/humanap ka ng panget, which they had performed with great success in the inuman sessions gig. this one could have been good, too, if not for 1) lack of rehearsal time with andrew e (they were losing each other in parts), and 2) carlos agassi. enough said.

get to know me

when a person doesn't understand what's really inside him, self-help guides are manna from heaven.

got this one by email, heaven knows how they come up with this fluff. but i say, "what the heck?" and delve into my inner chaos. explain away...

Get a shock when you read about yourself. (read the whole thing)
IF you were born on the :
1st, 10th, 19th, 28th of any month you are number 1.
2nd, 11th, 20th, 29th of any month then you are number 2.
3rd, 12th, 21st, 30th of any month then you are number 3.
4th, 13th, 22nd, 31st of any month then you are Number 4.
5th, 14th, 23rd of any month then you are number 5.
6th, 15th, 24th of any month then you are number 6.
7th, 16th, 25th of any month then you are number 7.
8th, 17th, 26th of any month then you are number 8.
9th, 18th, 27th of any month then you are number 9.
...
Number 2
No matter what, every one will love you because you are ruled by the Moon. You day dream a lot, you have a very low-self esteem, you need to have a back up for every move in your life, you are very unpredictable. You tend to change according to time and circumstances, selfish, have a very strong sense of musical and artistic talent and powerful verbal communication. You can be sweet as an angel and can be ruthless when double-crossed. Some might say you have a sixth sense. You will become a poet, writer, an artist or a businessperson. You are not strong in love, so your relationship will be in disarray until you settle down. If you are a girl, you will be responsible for your family. If you are a man, you tend to get involve in fights & arguments in the family. You will sacrifice your life for your family. You are gentle, intuitive with a broad vision. You make a well-balanced person. Your best match is 2, 7, 5, and 9 no other people can put up with you!!!

okay, let's take this one by one.

• really, everyone loves me? i find it hard to believe. i would think i'm the person that most people wouldn't care two figs about, until they really get to know me.
• yes, i daydream a lot. like, all the time. i'm living outside my life, if you get what i mean.
• oh, i so have low self-esteem. isn't it obvious, or have you not been reading the last two bullets?
• i am a mathematician by nature, and a finance person at that. conservatives. go figure. (pun not intended.)
• unpredictable? you tell me. on second thought, i guess i am inconsistent. it depends on so many factors that i don't care to control. i am reactive.
• selfish? oh, definitely.
• musical talent is the one gift i have not been giving the time of day. maybe because of bullet 3 and 5. as for art, i just like looking at nice pictures.
• if writing a blog is verbal communication, my friends tell me i'm good at it. it's true (that they told me), promise. however, public speaking and presentation is another matter.
• yeah, i'm sweet i guess. i like making people feel good, if i'm not in a contrary mood that is. but when i'm crossed, i'm such a chicken.
• my mom told me once that i have very good intuition. she said that the things i take for granted as products of an over-active imagination are really indications of sharp observation and some super-natural sensitivity. as for me, i just don't want to be too disappointed when things don't turn out the way i think they are, so i tend to ignore them.
• no, i am not a poet, a writer, an artist, or a businessperson. i am a bum. who happens to have found employment.
• so i'll have a love life when i finally settle down? how queer is that? it's like a loveless marriage then love just barges in, like in the romance novels i love to read. duh.
• one of the private jokes in my family is that i'll have to take care of my parents and my mom's three unmarried siblings when they get old. scary.
• gentle, intuitive, broad vision? whatever.
• well-balanced person? hah.

about yourself

Get a shock when you read about yourself.

IF you were born on the :

1st, 10th, 19th, 28th of any month you are number 1.

2nd, 11th, 20th, 29th of any month then you are number 2.

3rd, 12th, 21st, 30th of any month then you are number 3.

4th, 13th, 22nd, 31st of any month then you are Number 4.

5th, 14th, 23rd of any month then you are number 5.

6th, 15th, 24th of any month then you are number 6.

7th, 16th, 25th of any month then you are number 7.

8th, 17th, 26th of any month then you are number 8.

9th, 18th, 27th of any month then you are number 9.

Number 1

You are smart, a straight talker, funny, stubborn, hardworking, honest, jealous on a competitive basis, kind hearted, temperamental, friendly, and popular. You always want to be on the top and most likely to be independent. You are most likely to fall in love at a young age, but will marry once you mature! You are likely to have problems with people who have opposite views and you are most likely to take revenge over your enemies in a long time basis. You are a spender, but you will have a good profession in the future. If you are guy you will be very popular. You can go anywhere from the local shop to the heart of the parliament because you are positive and talented in numerous areas. But in your life you will always have some people who will work hard to bring you & your name down. Because of your intelligence, some might hate you. You are a pioneer, independent & original your best match is 4,6,8 while a good match would be with 3,5,7

Number 2

No matter what, every one will love you because you are ruled by the Moon. You day dream a lot, you have a very low-self esteem, you need to have a back up for every move in your life, you are very unpredictable. You tend to change according to time and circumstances, selfish, have a very strong sense of musical and artistic talent and powerful verbal communication. You can be sweet as an angel and can be ruthless when double-crossed. Some might say you have a sixth sense. You will become a poet, writer, an artist or a businessperson. You are not strong in love, so your relationship will be in disarray until you settle down. If you are a girl, you will be responsible for your family. If you are a man, you tend to get involve in fights & arguments in the family. You will sacrifice your life for your family. You are gentle, intuitive with a broad vision. You make a well-balanced person. Your best match is 2, 7, 5, and 9 no other people can put up with you!!!

Number 3

You are hardhearted and selfish most of the time. You always tend to have lots of problems within your family in the early stages but you will be able to cope with everything. You seem to have your way in everything. And from birth you would always have to work hard to achieve anything you want. You always make a point to set examples on others, especially the younger ones. Generally you are not a cool person. It's not easy dealing with you. A tough player you are! But once you are comfortable with someone, it will be a lasting friendship. You always earn respect from others. Your Ilk seems to have lots of worries and problems but they won't be for long. You will have brilliant kids! You love money a bit too much so temptation will push you to try endlessly. You will look after your family and help friends, so you will spend a life time just being generous and kind (except for men born on the 21st). You love your freedom, creative and ambitious, a person who brings beauty, hope & joy to this world!!! Your best match 6 and 9. Good match 1, 3, and 5

Number 4

You are very stubborn, very hard working but unlucky in important matters in life, very cool and helpful. You might repel people away from you, you may cause nuisance to others if you area man, as you gifted are with understanding other people's problems. If you are a girl, you excel in your studies and arts. If you are a guy you spend most of your time with girl friends and you tend to have too much fun with your mates & girls. Your friends will spend your time & money and get on with their life and you will be left empty handed. So be careful! You love to spend. Your positive side is that you are always around to help family and friends. You always fall in love with those younger than you. You often live with disappointments but you will take good care of your family. You need to be careful of people who will take advantage of your kind heart. And beware of your relationships too. You are radical, patient, persistent, and a hit old-fashioned; you live with foundation & order. Your best match 1, 8. Good match 5, 6, and 7

Number 5

You are very popular and you can get things done only by talking. Even to your enemies! You are business-minded and like to do things spontaneously. You will be famous if you get involved in any business. Your friends and families will always ask for your help, and you are the one actually with the money to help your friends. You will have more than one relationship, but when you settle down you tend to be selfish. You tend to go for other relationships - even if you are married at times because of your popularity. You tend to get along easily with anyone because the numbers is a middle number. You love freedom and changes. You learn your life through your personal experiences. Your best match 1, 2, Good match 6, 8.

Number 6

Ooopppss.. you were born to enjoy! You don't care about others. I mean you always wanted to have a lifetime of enjoyment. You will excel in either education or business management! You are talented, kind (but with only people who you think are nice), and popular. All good things come easily to you. Your mind and body is just made perfect for love. You are loveable by any number. But if you are a number 6 men, you will be involved in more than a few relationships until you get married. If you are a girl, most of you will get married/engaged early. You are a caring person towards your family and friends. You are a person of compassion, comfort & fairness, domestic responsibility, good judgment, and after all you can heal this world's wounds to make peace for everyone because you have the great power and caring talent to take the world of love one step further.. Your best match 7, 6, and 9. Good match 4, 5

Number 7

You are realistic, confident, happy, and talented in education, music, art, singing, and most importantly in acting. You also have a bad temper! You value your family status a lot; you will be in the top rank when you reach a certain age. If you are a guy you are popular with girls. Most of the number 7s face lots of problems with their married life. Only a few are happy. You have everything in your life but with worries throughout your lifetime. You need to get ready looking for a partner rather than waiting. If you don't, then you might end-up being single. You are born to contribute to everyone's joy. Your best match is 2. Good matches are 1,4

Number 8

You have a very strong personality and people will find it hard to understand you. You are more likely to suffer in your younger years. You might be also the one responsible to look out for your family. You often suffer all the way through life. You will learn life in a very practical way. You are the one who will fight for justice and may even die in the war too. You are normally very reserved with a handful of friends and most of the time, live life alone and always prepared to help others. However, once you settle down, (which is often late), then your had lucks will disappear. You will face unexpected problems such as encountering poisonous animals, and accidents. You are highly- disciplined, persistence, and courageous, and it is your strength that will take you to success. You are a great part of a family team. You are a fighter! Your Best match 1. 4, and 8. Good match 5

Number 9

You guys are the most incompatible people in the world. You are so strong, physically and mentally. You often have big-aims. You will work hard and will think it's still hard to get there, even if you already have gotten there! Normally you suffer in the early age from family problems and generally you will have to fight in life. You are respected by others. You were however very naughty in your childhood, and often got beaten up by your parents and had been involved in fights and you seemed to have suffered lots of injuries. But when you grow older you become calm and will fall into the quiet and dignified macho type. Love is not an easy matter for you. You are however good in engineering or banking jobs because people always trust you. Your family life is very good, but you will always worry over your children. Your finer qualities are that you are humanitarian, patient, very wise & compassionate. You are born to achieve targets and serve every one equally without any prejudice. You are a role model for everyone. Your best match 3, 5,6, and 9. Good match 2

---

just chillin

saturday night is party night. but for now, it's all in my head.

i've been taking full advantage of my gprs connection and vegetating in front of my pc for, like, hours. really can't get enough of internet. i'm so addicted.

i'm also addicted to my windows media player. version ten. my officemates swear by apple's i tunes, maybe i'll take their advice when i get my own mac. for now, wmp is just fine, and i've gotten so used to it.

and when you're surfing, great background music guarantees hours and hours of virtual entertainment. over the last few weeks i've been so fixated on mp3 downloading, i even tried to trade links a couple of times. here are the choice tracks i've been keeping in my playlist tonight:

garbage -- bleed like me (album)
garbage -- special
plumb -- stranded
jennifer paige -- stranded (plumb cover)
lemonheads -- into your arms
lemonheads -- it's about time
everything but the girl -- my house is in my head unless it rains
everything but the girl -- cross my heart
everything but the girl -- rollercoaster
the cardigans -- rise and shine
the cardigans -- carnival (including acoustic version)
barenaked ladies -- call and answer
foo fighters -- big me
jimmy eat world -- last christmas

---

last night i watched mr. & mrs. smith with a bunch of friends. it's a good movie, flawed in parts, and very entertaining. though i found that i got tired after watching. all that action i suppose. or maybe my legs got tense because my handbag was too heavy and most of the time it was on my lap. grrrrr.

---

gee, i wonder how much my cellphone bill is now? don't think i wanna know.

the stars and the signs

the castle meets the big top (and a carful of clowns)

my friendster horoscope for today:

Today's Forecast

You're the ringleader, so round up the lion-tamer, the carful of clowns and the randoms in the spangled suits, and get this circus under way. Think big under your own personal big top.

The Bottom Line

You've got high hopes, and that's what counts. Examine how to make those big plans come to fruition.

In Detail

Go ahead and build some castles in the air. With the way things are going, those castles will have
solid foundations and a bed in every tower before long. The stars give you the thumbs-up on any long term plans you are brewing up in that head of yours right now, so don't be afraid to dream -- and dream big. Why stop at a few turrets on your castle? Why not add a three-barge moat and some errant knights riding around the place?

horoscopes are not the end-all and be-all of my usually uneventful life. but i love reading them and coming up with stuff that match what they tell. this one is singularly good (and funny). i wonder how my day matches up to the promise? don't think i'll consciously take on the role of ringleader, though i feel i usually do.

... i especially loved the phrase "carful of clowns". makes me think of a brightly painted vwbug (aka kotseng kuba). philosophically speaking, aren't we all clowns in this life?

---

damn i'm so goofy today, i forgot to include this joint horoscope with a friend of mine:

In this world, things evolve or they become obsolete, and that goes double for relationships. So if it seems like your friendship is changing shape in ways both obvious and not-so-obvious, don't freak out. Most importantly, don't try to pretend that those changes aren't occurring -- there's nothing more damaging than living in the past. Take a moment to see the situation as it really is, unclouded by your emotions, hopes and fears. Things usually change for the better -- when you let them. Remember that.

staying alive (the morning after)

what happens when you pull an all-nighter, with none of the results you were aiming for to begin with.

it's back to reality.

i got to work late again, for the second straight day. though the guard here at the office offers consolation whenever i complain ("ma'am, officer ka naman eh"), i really dislike being late for work. i do try to compensate by staying the whole nine hours, but it's a bit hypocritical when it was my fault in the first place.

---

so i stayed up until 3 this morning. big deal. the other night i fell asleep waiting for my roommate to finish with the bathroom, so obviously i accomplished nothing. last night i managed to tweak what little i have of my paper, but i got preoccupied with backing up my mobile phones. however, my biggest accomplishment was not my paper, but finally getting internet access through gprs. yippee! i can now check email, friendster, and my blog at my convenience anytime and anywhere through my underutilized globe plan, using my laptop. no need to be limited by the library hours at agsb, though i would still love to go there because of the connection speed. and i wouldn't be at the mercy of the sky-high hourly rates at my neighborhood 24-hour internet cafe. plus, i would be spared from endless scrolling when i use my phone gprs. i am so happy, i can almost imitate tom cruise on oprah. almost.

this is one instance when a bunch of bad decisions work out after all.

---

i started late last night because i met up with roge and ness at galleria earlier. i felt a bit guilty about not putting my strama first in my life, but when did i ever? so i decided i might as well go, and to paraphrase stephen covey, i also wanted to invest in my emotional bank account especially with roge. (or did i just feel coerced? just kidding, roge!) we had a great time window shopping, eating at chef d'angelo and chatting over coffee at starbucks. we were reluctant to end the night, but it's a workday and reality should be faced eventually.

---

i'm in lss (last song syndrome) mode again, and my song of the moment is stranded by plumb. but what i want to hear now is the jennifer paige version, which is the first i heard of the song. of course i'd prefer to get an mp3 copy (hint, hint) but for now i'll try to bug the guys over at klite... anyway that's where i heard this song in the first place.

i'm crashing like a tidal wave

you know it only breaks my heart
to see you standing in the dark alone
waiting there for me to come back
i'm too afraid to show

if it's coming over you
like it's coming over me
i'm crashing like a tidal wave
that drags me out to sea
and i wanna be with you
and you wanna be with me
i'm crashing like a tidal wave
and i don't wanna be
stranded

i can only take so much
these tears are turning me to rust
i know you're waiting there for me to come back
i'm too afraid to show

if it's coming over you
like it's coming over me
i'm crashing like a tidal wave
that drags me out to sea
and i wanna be with you
and you wanna be with me
i'm crashing like a tidal wave
and i don't wanna be
stranded

i miss you, i need you
without you, i'm stranded
i love you so come back
i'm not afraid to show

if it's coming over you
like it's coming over me
i'm crashing like a tidal wave
that drags me out to sea
and i wanna be with you
and you wanna be with me
i'm crashing like a tidal wave
and i don't wanna be
stranded

oh baby i miss you
oh baby i need you
oh baby i love you
so baby come back

-- plumb, stranded

huwag mo nang itanong

date: 09 june 2005 (thursday). time: 2.50 a.m. what the heck am i doing staying up till the wee hours?

---

finally! i've got my internet over gprs working! thanks to a few hours tinkering with my 3230, pc suite 6.5 and my trusty laptop (which would have been better used editing my strama background -- sheesh!), i am now on my way to internet freedom! can't forget my new mobile phone plan... ooops! the smart gprs configured in my office mobile (a 6600, so technically unreliable) wouldn't work. for that matter, gprs over bluetooth wouldn't work. so i relied on my globe connection and my data cable, incidentally from my aunt's 7610 (tenkyu ene!).

so after that techie outburst, i just meant that i'm doing this in the safety of my room and not in my suking internet cafe at makati ave. now i have proven that globe does make great things possible. and i won't be hankering for a blackberry in the near future.

---

i've been trying to make some headway for my paper, which is why i'm still up. but heaven knows, that's not why i managed to stay awake. pretty soon i'll have to go back to my open word documents, and my radio station will eventually lose its appeal as the hour hand approaches 6. the wisdom of staying up late has been debated over and over in my head, especially in the aftermath. but even if this is the worst time to get an insomnia hangover, *you gotta do what you gotta do*.

---

guess i have to thank the dj for at least playing great songs, like this eraserheads track from cutterpillow.

i refuse to fall in love

I refuse to fall in love again. I understand the overwhelming reaction it provokes on anyone it touches, which only reminds me that situations of intense hatred are not all that far removed from intense love. They are strong, driving and powerful – which makes them dangerous.

Don’t get me wrong I have nothing against love. My cynicism has not been totally hacked away, but chipped chunks of it permit some glimmer of light to shine through. Love is beautiful… love is sublime. Love is the greatest inexplicable feeling of all. All too true, but perhaps, meant only for other people. Not I. Not just yet anyway.

It isn’t that I’m obtuse, as much as I know that love can make people do things they wouldn’t normally do. Love has a way of taking you out of yourself and making you dedicate yourself to another, who may or may not respond in kind. Love is also a very disruptive experience. All your life you walk alone then all of the sudden somebody comes along and shakes all that. All this is what I find formidable - the power of the unknown. I have not been unloved, and I am not a total stranger to the feeling. I know how it feels to fall in love – the exultant euphoria of coming across a special stranger who touches something deep within you. Perhaps that is what I fear – to lose control to another human being like that, knowing all too well how fallible human beings are despite love; it is an unsettling prospect at best. Whenever I feel the pangs of stirring affection, the full of heady attraction, of the aching pain of missing someone of whom I am very fond of, it is not long before I stop myself and hold back, creating a safe distance, an impasse from which I can view this intruder with a cool, detached critical eye, not driven and blinded by wild, unreliable passion. I will myself to drift away – “I can live without this person” is what I often tell myself – in order to prevent the other from overwhelming me. Because I know that when I fall – I fall hard. And, if I fall again – I’ll fall harder. Which only make me hold back all the more. That is, keep everything to myself… silently.

Is it selfish to relinquish the “I” for an unassured “WE”? Perhaps, but when it has taken too long to find that “I”, one cannot entirely put to task for wanting to cherish the treasure of self longer than usual. At this point, I cannot gamble myself the self I sought for so long for the promise of a “YOU” and “I”; what guarantee is there that the other will not simply take my heart and stomp on it? Love gives no guarantee, and trust that is needed to bridge this uncertainty is perhaps what gives love its luster. But I have never been one easily given to trust, and therefore taking the leap into love is not an easy decision to make for me. Others plunge in with nary a second thought. They are not I.

Perhaps this primal insecurity only speaks of immaturity, and hence the inability to love, truly love. For mature or being in-love is one that does not seek fulfillment in the other, nor dependence, but rather, the mutual understanding and exchange of love connecting only to themselves.

Then, maybe then… when I am ready and bold enough to risk my heart again in asking the same promise which brought me to grief… IT COULD BE THE LAST.

---

i forwarded this essay (author unknown -- i don't even remember how i got it) to a friend of mine, at a time when we were both dealing with questions and heartache. everyone must have gone through the same thing when falling in love -- the denial, pain, anguish, and finally, hope. when you think of it, this falling-in-love business should already go smoothly, with the wealth of experience since the beginning of time that can be used for reference. it should go like clockwork, and processes should have been defined (imagine falling in love documented in an ISO manual). but the differences that make us into individual beings are a big factor, and each distinct experience become vastly different from others just because the person is different.

novices find it hard to take the plunge, because of fear of the unknown. but people with experience are wary of getting hurt as well, because they have been hurt before. or if not, they want the real thing next time, and are scared to risk time and effort for something that might not be worth it.

so, now what?

words of wisdom, part 2

from hiram:
love is something that is offered to you and for you to accept. if it is swept away by the wind it may never come back to you... it will be caught by someone else. you only realize the value of it when it's lost.

from gabby:
in this world, we can never have everything we want. so let's be happy with what we have as of now.

from me:
pride goeth before the fall.

from me, again:
a declaration of love does not a relationship make.

from the devil on my right shoulder:
stop blabbing such nonsense. get on with your life already.

when i meet my match

i visited batjay's blog today, just for the heck of it. i don't think i'll ever get to read all the posts he's ever written since he started. but even if my neck is painful from stiffness, i can't seem to get enough of him. he and his wife jet are very, very good. mike says he and his honey read their blogs often. but that isn't what this post is about.

one of batjay's posts has this title, which happens to be one of the classic lines from when harry met sally:

when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

i wish the rest of my life would start right now.

tunnel vision

i found out today that it was the birthday of a favorite officemate. i like her a lot because there aren't many people around that i feel i'm on the same plane with, even if we are different in many aspects. we're the same age, we have similar taste in music and books, we're both on the other side of the kikay meter... we even go to the same gym (though not at the same time). when you meet that kind of person, especially in the office where most people are too different from you, it can feel like going back to those care free days.

it was a bit coincidental that she's in my mind a lot these days, because she just lent me her copy of harry potter and the order of the phoenix. i've wanted to read the series for a long time but i only got as far as book one and book two (which i saw on tv). now i'm so attached to the book that i bring it everywhere. i had to stop myself from reading it during work hours! that's the way i am when i'm fixated on a book. a good book is my waterloo. i can never rest until i finish it. even to the extent of staying up the whole night just to get to the end.

i can just imagine what i'm gonna do once i get home. i'll be chatting with my housemates for a bit, maybe finish off my macaroni salad. get dressed in my jammies and turn up the radio. i'm set for my marathon reading night.

(huh? strama? what strama?)

blowing hot and cold

the weather of the last few weeks has been so inconsistent, to the point of being predictable. hot, hot days and nights sprinkled with pockets of thunderstorms (large raindrops and all). looking out the window, you wouldn't know that the atmosphere was the extreme opposite only a few minutes ago.

---

i tried to think of reasons why i love summer. it would have been better if i had been in college, even high school, when summer meant long vacation. idle days in front of the tv or pc. nights spent reading in bed until the wee hours. nowadays it just meant having rain-free weather for weeks. i'm not big on going to beaches, so it doesn't really matter. but i do love an opportunity to wear my shades for long periods of time.

---

this summer, however, has been bordering on hellish. i don't mind a warmer-than-usual climate, but this year i can't help being reminded by the blast of heat on my face. every time i complained i keep thinking that i never complained before. or if i did, it was merely to commisserate. this time it was for real.

---

i wasn't much happier with the rain, though. bracing yourself for both the heat and the cold is a bit confusing. just this morning i felt silly waking up in the bus wearing my beloved pair of dark sunglasses while the rain was pouring outside. and merely an hour ago the early morning sun promised blinding light.

---

the soft patter of rain in the wee hours is my favorite companion. whether engrossed in a book (romance novels are best) or pouring my heart out through free verse and prose, rain seems to lend a different persepective. wallowing in loneliness and despair is never more effective.

---

strange how odd we think of brits because of their preoccupation with the weather. they may have stumbled on something there that we remain ignorant of.

dilemmas

how do you know if you matter to someone?

i asked this question a long time ago because i never knew if my instincts were right, or if it was just wishful thinking.

it was naive of me to think that love (or any form of it) is just black or white. even if i didn't like it, gray is such a big part of it. such that anything and everything can be subject to a million and one interpretations. anything we do can go one way or the other. it is hard to discern whether something really holds meaning or if it was just an empty phrase.

how do we move when we're going on nothing? nothing is crystal clear, everything is a muddle.

ignorance is bliss. it allows for the illusion that everything is perfect. but when the questions come, they remained unanswered. it won't keep you warm at night.

laying down all the cards entails a lot of risk. especially if someone is doing it for the first time. there is a fear of rejection and humilitation, and not going back to the way it was.

what middle ground can there be? minds are not on the same plane all the time. just when do you know if you've done too much or too little? who can tell it anyway?

in the first place, why can't we just come out and say what we want to say? why don't we go after what we want? why are we afraid of repercussions? expectations, disillusionment, are these really our responsibility?
all these questions and no answers. i've never had so many in my life, at a time when i needed them the least.

rip offs

Which Band Should You Be In? by couplandesque
Your Name
Band Name	Sum 41
Role	Bassist
Trademark	Emo Poster Child
Love Interest	The Guitarist
Quiz created with MemeGen!

---

how appropriate! i'm a bassist (primarily). i could be an emo poster child. but i would have wanted to be in radiohead. well, you can't have everything.

thanks alicia!

here comes the rain again

i should be home right now. but i'm stuck at the office. it's raining and i don't have an umbrella. i need one if i'm gonna walk home, which is what i usually do. taking a cab would be too pricey, and taking several jeepney rides would also mean a bit of walking.

what use are umbrellas when you leave them at your house. all of them.

amplified heart

i really wonder how love can feed on nothing.

the last pocketbook i finished describes a woman who has been in love with her boss' nephew, ever since she met him. like, it was a decade ago, when she was still a teenager. heaven knows, he didn't give any encouragement. but no, she can't seem to forget him, until she was forced to when he got engaged to another woman. well, the story ended happily ever after, as expected. but you have to wonder how on earth she was spared from a wake-up call.

not everybody's story has a happy ending. most of the time we're caught in the middle. and in the midst of all that we swing from optimism to despair and back in a matter of seconds. just because of something that shouldn't even matter.

and i'm reading more into your words than you have put into them,
and that's my problem, but you tied these knots, now you undo them.
you undo them.
oh and think before you speak my darling.

-- everything but the girl, troubled mind

what does love feed on anyway? how does it survive self-doubt and paranoia? it endures, even if starved of attention. it draws its lifeblood from air; it conjures magic out of mayhem. and though logic points to an obvious conclusion, it insists otherwise.

i still haven't got over it even now.
i want to spend huge amounds of time in my room.
and i'm not coming out until i feel ready,
not running out while my heart's unsteady,
and i'm not really in your head.
i'm not really in your head.

-- everything but the girl, rollercoaster

still, you wonder. despite everything that points in the other direction, you still feel the pull. in spite of your conservative instincts, self-preservation can go to hell. you come out confused, because all that you have been taught and all that you are is being challenged.

what is it that i think i need?
is there love in me that wants to be freed?
or is it selfishness and ego
we carry with us everywhere that we go?

this feeling that life's incomplete
- do you feel that too?
do you want what i want?

and if i should start to cry,
and i can't begin to tell you why,
and i stumble when i begin,
it's cause i don't understand anything.

-- everything but the girl, i don't understand anything

contrary to the thread i've weaved this entry with, everything but the girl's amplified heart isn't about the promise, confusion and scepticism of new love. tracey thorn and ben watt released their first ebtg album in 1982, amplified heart was released more than a decade later. by this time they were already an "old" couple. but ben contracted a rare life-threatening disease at around 1990, and both tracey and ben admitted to a trying time while they were battling the disease. i belatedly realized how this reflected in their writing. it's a bit ambiguous, but if you know the story, you can see it's there.

---

one last: this is the song that marked the transition in their music. also the song that put them on the dance charts. a lot of people think ebtg is all techno, but the real treasure lies in the early albums.

i ask why did I come again?
can i confess i've been hanging 'round your old address?
and the years have proved to offer nothing since you moved
you're long gone but i can't move on
and i miss you-
like the deserts miss the rain

-- everything but the girl, missing

not a real post

i still haven't seen closer, so i'm not answering the question i posted.

i found a new friend who tagged me at my *better* blog. she's also a dashboard confessional fan, and she's probably more astig than i ever was at her age. loved her choice of bands. guess i would have also chosen them if i was still in college. brings back memories of shooting the breeze with romily and mike -- they're the two people who understand my edgier musical preferences.

---

i promised i wouldn't write about something controversial in this blog. that kind of thing is reserved for my other blog, because otherwise i might not be able to restrain myself. so i'll let a friend of mine say it for me.

mark's blog

---

i'm having a grand time. i'm getting by at work, i'm getting a shot for heart candy, and i'm still hanging on. i'm mixed up. but i'm luckier than most people. i'm living my life.

two star

now i'm free to say it.

for so many months i wondered if i was shirking my duty. i tried to be sensible. i tried to be open-minded. i knew what i was up against. i spoke my mind, but i knew how futile it was. through it all, i wondered if i would survive that assault to the very core of my principles. i'm not even a principled person, for that matter. i don't have the courage to carry my convictions. i was annoyed, but i had to stay. even if you didn't feel it, i was right behind you, hoping i didn't have to catch your fall.

the right path has never been so clearer. go where fate leads you.

well it's not for me to say,
but i can't see what you see in him anyway.
but such righteousness in me
is not a nice thing to display,
and who am i for chrissakes anyway
to judge a life this way

when my own's in disarray?

i watch saturday kids' tv
with the sound turned down.
i leave food on the eiderdown.
all my thoughts pushed underground.

maybe you're happy
- everyone says you are.
you drive around on two star,
you leave your life ajar,
and god knows you deserve it.
bad luck follows everyone.

so go on, and stop listening to me.
stop listening to me.
and don't ask me how i feel.
don't ask me how i feel.

so it's not for me to say,
because i change my mind from day to day,
and when i look at you
i only see bits of myself anyway.

so go on, and stop listening to me.
stop listening to me.
and don't ask me what to say,
or to judge a life this way

when my own's in disarray.

-- everything but the girl, two star

the last time

fixations are hard to resist.

the first thing i did when i came online was google keane. as usual i found the links to the official sites and these really good fansites, and i stumbled upon the keane faq (currently hosted at http://www.keane.at/faq.html#special because of some website problems).

here's the lowdown on my current favorite song. i copied it from the actual message posted on the keane messageboard by tim rice-oxley (the keyboardist and apparently the main songwriter).

TITLT is indeed a confusing song, which is actually something i regret, but the meaning is hard to explain quickly and simply. here's my attempt.

it's mainly about regret. i was thinking about how you can have a huge amount of affection for someone and yet not have that magic spark that makes you feel like you're in love. whenever i hear the song i feel it's a snapshot of the moment of two people saying their goodbyes...i can actually see them stood facing each other. what a rotten moment that is eh.

anyway so you have a bond with someone but you don't want to stay with them forever. so you decide to go. but you're not saying 'i hate you and i'm leaving'...you're trying to say 'i think you're great but i've seen that there's something more perfect and magical out there for me and i need to find it. but i will always be your friend if you need me.' does that make sense? so the bridge ('something i wasn't sure of...etc') is about the sense that there's something more magical to be found. making that decision to leave something comfortable to search for something perfect is difficult, so the alternating lines of the chorus are almost a debate going on in your head...you're saying 'this is the last time we'll share these intimate moments, time will make things better, and of course you can turn to me whenever you want to, i don't mind.' if you split the chorus into two parts using alternate lines it makes sense! i guess the feeling of conflict within yourself and the difficulty of making that decision is what the song is really about. it's not sarcastic or anything but it is certainly confusing. sorry!

i like trying to write about confusion and grey areas because life is not normally very clear-cut and simple, especially when it comes to the way people interact. hence the album's title. how many songs are there at the moment about how you're not good enough for me so **** you? the eamonn/frankee nonsense being an obvious example but look at any number of recent hits. how often is life really that simple? i guess that's why 'dry your eyes' was such a popular song...it talks about the confusion and mess of breaking up, and that's a reality that people recognise.

anyway that's enough from me. tim

PS the line 'one last tender lie' is one of my favourite keane lyrics and i guess it's just about telling white lies to make people feel better. maybe the whole song is a tender lie...or something...better stop before i get confused too! bye.

PPS thanks for asking the question in the first place! it's great that you guys are interested in the details of the songs...the words are what really matters i think.

now i know why i'm so fixated on the song. it's because it's what i feel at the moment. i know, that thing has hardly even begun. but every time i think about it, it always feels like i'm on the way out or something. not a good omen for a relationship that isn't even a relationship in the first place. a friend of mine kept telling me to go for it, but at some point he always throws me a curve ball, something like "maybe he's not the right guy". i'm tired. i want to move on. and i've been wanting to move on for the past year or so. sometimes i think i've got it, finally, but i guess i haven't. and this song captures that mood, how i want to stay and follow the path to wherever it takes me, but i'm not being given the chance and i don't see a future in it and i want to leave it behind.

this is how it was almost a year ago: http://politicsaside.blog-city.com/read/738409.htm. sad to say, i haven't made much progress from that.

looking for keane

another good find i made tonight is the "soaps and beers" project. a few good fans made their own cover of the 12 tracks from hopes and fears, and compiled them on this website: http://www.keane.at/cover/covers2.htm. as i'm on dial-up (this is the weekend and i'm at home, so no broadband wi-fi) i'm still downloading the s&b version of titlt and i'm 90% done.

still another great fansite: the tim rice-oxley fanpage http://www.tims-girls.de.vu/. great colors.

and to complete the my titlt fix, here's a pic of the handwritten lyrics, found at keane.at

addictions

one of my newest occupations in life, aside from doing system documentation, is downloading. for the past weeks i've been addicted to this blogger's site. like, he posts an entry almost every day, while taking his cpa exams, and the contents are nothing to be sniffed at. he probably has the largest and most diverse mp3 collection of anyone i've "met" recently. like, he has rufus wainwright, disney soundtracks, jennifer lopez, and avril lavigne in the last week alone. and he shares them through the blog.

yesterday he put up the whole keane album. i'm in heaven.

this is the last time
that i will say these words
i remember the first time
the first of many lies
sweep it into the corner
or hide it under the bed
say these things they go away
but they never do

something i wasn't sure of
but i was in the middle of
something i forget now
but i've seen too little of

the last time
you fall on me for anything you like
your one last line
you fall on me for anything you like
and years make everything alright
you fall on me for anything you like
and i, no i don't mind

this is the last time
that i will show my face
one last tender lie
and then i'm out of this place
so tread it into the carpet
or hide it under the stairs
you say that some things never die
well i tried and i tried

something i wasn't sure of
but i was in the middle of
something i forget now
but i've seen too little of

the last time
you fall on me for anything you like
your one last line
you fall on me for anything you like
and years make everything alright
you fall on me for anything you like
and i, no i don't mind

the last time
you fall on me for anything you like
your one last line
you fall on me for anything you like
and years make everything alright
you fall on me for anything you like
and i, no i don't mind

-- keane, this is the last time