amplified heart

i really wonder how love can feed on nothing.

the last pocketbook i finished describes a woman who has been in love with her boss' nephew, ever since she met him. like, it was a decade ago, when she was still a teenager. heaven knows, he didn't give any encouragement. but no, she can't seem to forget him, until she was forced to when he got engaged to another woman. well, the story ended happily ever after, as expected. but you have to wonder how on earth she was spared from a wake-up call.

not everybody's story has a happy ending. most of the time we're caught in the middle. and in the midst of all that we swing from optimism to despair and back in a matter of seconds. just because of something that shouldn't even matter.

and i'm reading more into your words than you have put into them,
and that's my problem, but you tied these knots, now you undo them.
you undo them.
oh and think before you speak my darling.

-- everything but the girl, troubled mind

what does love feed on anyway? how does it survive self-doubt and paranoia? it endures, even if starved of attention. it draws its lifeblood from air; it conjures magic out of mayhem. and though logic points to an obvious conclusion, it insists otherwise.

i still haven't got over it even now.
i want to spend huge amounds of time in my room.
and i'm not coming out until i feel ready,
not running out while my heart's unsteady,
and i'm not really in your head.
i'm not really in your head.

-- everything but the girl, rollercoaster

still, you wonder. despite everything that points in the other direction, you still feel the pull. in spite of your conservative instincts, self-preservation can go to hell. you come out confused, because all that you have been taught and all that you are is being challenged.

what is it that i think i need?
is there love in me that wants to be freed?
or is it selfishness and ego
we carry with us everywhere that we go?

this feeling that life's incomplete
- do you feel that too?
do you want what i want?

and if i should start to cry,
and i can't begin to tell you why,
and i stumble when i begin,
it's cause i don't understand anything.

-- everything but the girl, i don't understand anything

contrary to the thread i've weaved this entry with, everything but the girl's amplified heart isn't about the promise, confusion and scepticism of new love. tracey thorn and ben watt released their first ebtg album in 1982, amplified heart was released more than a decade later. by this time they were already an "old" couple. but ben contracted a rare life-threatening disease at around 1990, and both tracey and ben admitted to a trying time while they were battling the disease. i belatedly realized how this reflected in their writing. it's a bit ambiguous, but if you know the story, you can see it's there.

---

one last: this is the song that marked the transition in their music. also the song that put them on the dance charts. a lot of people think ebtg is all techno, but the real treasure lies in the early albums.

i ask why did I come again?
can i confess i've been hanging 'round your old address?
and the years have proved to offer nothing since you moved
you're long gone but i can't move on
and i miss you-
like the deserts miss the rain

-- everything but the girl, missing