one little candle

last night i attended a seminar/workshop promoting the new community service initiative (for lack of a better description) of the university. being graduate students, the university officials made a special pitch to us (those were their words, honest); apparently this has been implemented in the undergrad campus some time ago. this is a potentially large undertaking for the school, and judging from the concessions they made (we had no classes for a week just so we'd attend either of the two scheduled sessions), it is being given top priority. not that you'd expect less when it comes to serving the country.

in spite of the headache i was nursing, the boredom, the discomfort whenever you're stuck someplace and forced to listen, i still enjoyed the activity. more importantly, i was reminded of my civic and patriotic duty, as i'm sure all the other students were. in the small-group workshop that followed, some of us shared our ideas on what a typical graduate student can do, individually and as an organized group. some of these ideas might be trite or overused, while others have switched on the proverbial light bulb in our minds. i guess the objective here is inspiring all of us into thinking that we can do something, thereby creating the mindset. and once that mindset is ingrained, it is easier for us to do all these activities because we are compelled by our own values.

i think every citizen of this land, no matter how selfish or ignorant he may be, wants our country to come out of these troubled times. it is evident in the way we complain about our system, the way we worry about the peso-dollar exchange, the way we criticize our politicians. we all have some grand ideas about turning this country around, but it's hard to imagine how to do it knowing ourselves and knowing how others act. i agree with the premise that what we need right now is a constant bombardment of the conscience. when we reach a certain mindset, together, then we can implement programs more effectively. we can start small. and we can start with ourselves.

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i was walking along the corridor after the workshop, still feeing ambivalent, inspired, and challenged at the same time, when i saw a banner at the opposite wall. i thought it was an omen, especially after the last blog i posted.

it said: mediocrity is not an option

surviving the quarter life crisis

much has been said about the midlife crisis -- the state of panic associated with the realization that one's life is half over. not to be left behind is the more relevant quarter life crisis -- the younger generation's all-encompassing state of confusion, pertaining to the realization that one is not omnipotent, omnipresent, or immortal after all.

one month from now i am going to be a year older. based on actuarial assumption my life would have been one fourth over, and i can now be described as in my late 20's. i have never been ashamed or reticent about my age, though that may be because of my relative youth, and i'm not afraid of getting older. i am, however, afraid of getting older without any sense of achievement, purpose or meaning.

thus begins the realization that i have spent the last year or so in the aptly-named quarter life crisis.

gripe number one. last year i made good use of my belatedly-acquired freedom. rarely has a week gone that i did not go out and while the hours away in some bar, cafe or other such watering hole. on occasion i have also gone with my classmates to dinners and nights out after class. a change in work environment also provided me with a new and expanding set of friends, some of whom would take me to other places i never dared go. but even if it seemed that i had every opportunity laid out before me, it never did give me one thing i have long gone without. being a bona fide card-carrying member of the nbsb club (if you have to ask, i swear i'm gonna kill someone). i could only wonder how my suddenly active social life did not translate to a dating life as well. it was like everyone i had met was either uninteresting, uninterested, or a girl. after all i had done, my love life is a big fat zero. nada. zilch.

gripe number two. being in my third year at graduate school also means that i'm getting nearer to that dreaded strama paper. in fact, i'm scheduled to take the subject starting november. darn. now i wonder if what i learned in the past two years is enough. and i also doubt whether i can overcome my natural tendency for mediocrity.

gripe number three. when i took my present job i knew there was a great degree of uncertainty. however i decided that the experience i will be getting (not to mention the compensation) was worth the uncertainty. now i found myself getting too comfortable and i don’t know if i will ever get over my complacency, or if i can ever rise to a challenge when i get thrown a curved ball.

despite all appearances, namely a fairly busy social life, progress at school, or promotion at work, i have also become vulnerable to quarter life crisis. worse, i have doubts whether all i have worked for even amounted to anything significant. will i ever go back to the level of industry i had been on before? or is it really my nature to be so lazy?

sentimental overdose

last night i finally saw the notebook. the movie, silly -- not the school supply. and i wouldn't have seen it if not for a few well-masked bribes and persuasion. you see, i'd heard from somebody that it's a five-hankie movie. and my pragmatic facade protests over too much drama.

i wasn't surprised when my best friend asked for some tissues like half an hour into the movie (i had to give her my handkerchief). i was reasonably skeptical when my other friend (who was a guy) kept muttering jokes to himself at possible mini-climactic scenes. and i was privately amused when the guy sitting beside me (and who was not a companion) started sniffing and (gasp!) wiping his eyes. but when it came to the crunch, i betrayed the truth about my hopeless-romantic sentimental nature and broke down. yep, i meant it. not just a few tears shed or a few sniffs. but i so did not bawl. that would be too much.

afterwards, you would think we'd been watching a comedy from rise and fall of laughter you'd hear. from everyone. and no, it wasn't because of some blooper scenes shown at the end. we'd all been laughing at the way we'd succumbed to the drama. and laughing hysterically. i'm sure i wasn't the only one who had a male seatmate who shed a few tears. or who had to borrow my own hankie back because i was so overcome with emotion.

so when my best friend and i got home, after hearing her wax enthusiastic about the story and my other friend sarcastically pointing out that we'd been had, i thought i had enough for one night. but nooooooo. i had to ask for more punishment. as if reading can ever be that for me.

my best friend bought a novel two weeks ago, the newest title of one of my favorite authors. i had converted her into a fan when i lent her two of my better titles. but i was taken by surprise when it finally sank in that she has only read four chapters in the whole two weeks she's had the book. my curiosity was piqued. i had never been able to resist the books i had bought for more than a weekend, especially if they're romance novels. and i considered it as a challenge. at 11.15 last night i dared myself to finish the book during the night. for however long it took to read the whole thing.

and the result? i sent a text message to two of my friends when i had just finished reading and was still unable to sleep. the time was 5 am.

last goodbye (coffee, anyone? part 2)

i had planned to include this song in part one. but that had become too long, and i didn't want to spoil it with more meaning than it could handle. this song was significant enough to merit its own story. unlike some of the songs already featured here, this one ranks right up there at the top of my list. for all time.

i distinctly recall hearing this song sometime during the night, i just don't remember if that was the first time i'd heard it. i was in college then, my radio was almost always tuned to nu, and my usual favorites were songs from the so-called "alternative" rock that was at its peak at the time. but when i heard the catchy bass riff and the sentimental melody, i was forever hooked.

a few years later, i saw a cameron crowe film that was too confusing for the average moviegoer's consumption. but in the middle, in that pivotal moment in the protagonist's story, i heard the vaguely familiar haunting intro. and i marveled at cameron crowe's affinity with music. (later in the film, another song evoked the same emotion from me -- todd rundgren's version of can we still be friends. and if you haven't guessed it yet, the movie was vanilla sky.)

in the years that passed i hear the song from time to time, always eliciting the same emotions from me: anticipation, euphoria, and loneliness. it was almost too poignant for words, and tragic to boot. the brilliantly insightful man who created it has already died, in a rather unusual manner. and this all happened before i even got hold of the song.

then came august 30th. the hosts of the morning brew were as usual soliciting suggestions for the next day's playlist. the theme was the word "last", or anything in the title that connotes an ending. as expected, this was the first thing that popped into my mind. apparently it was what they had in mind as well, because when i told them through text that i was seriously lobbying for this song to be included, it was already a shoo-in after all.

what do you know? the next day gave me another meaning to attach to this song.

---

last goodbye
jeff buckley

this is our last goodbye
i hate to feel the love between us die
but it's over
just hear this and then i'll go
you gave me more to live for
more than you'll ever know

this is our last embrace
must i dream and always see your face
why can't we overcome this wall
well, maybe it's just because i didn't know you at all

kiss me, please kiss me
but kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation
you know it makes me so angry 'cause i know that in time
i'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye

did you say 'no, this can't happen to me,'
and did you rush to the phone to call
was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind
saying maybe you didn't know him at all
you didn't know him at all, oh, you didn't know

well, the bells out in the church tower chime
burning clues into this heart of mine
thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memories
offer signs that it's over... it's over

coffee, anyone?

it has been more than two weeks now. i didn't think i could move on so quickly. now i only feel the sadness for something that will never be. but i've already accepted the event that was inevitable but had come too soon.

the date was august 31. the time: 7.15 am.

it was the last episode of the morning brew with vitto and mylinda.

---

that day was a bit hectic for me. i had to submit my midterm paper and i was no way near done, even after a late night jotting down ideas. when my pseudo roommate woke me up at 6.30 i almost rushed into the shower. not only because i wanted to get to the office early to get my creative juices flowing.

at 7.00 i turned up the volume of the radio, eagerly awaiting the morning brew playlist. a few minutes later i finally discovered the significance of the theme.

in the immortal words of r.e.m., it was the end of the world as i knew it.

---

everything, including my midterm paper, faded into nonexistence. my ears and my whole being was focused on the radio, on the people who have been my morning companions for the last two years. the voices who have been both alarm clock and snooze button. the mine of information and the source of great laughs. the best specimens of state-funded collegiate education on local fm radio. the pair that is obviously intelligent, witty, amusing, and definitely not irritating. (i know, i know... i'm going to therapy already. just kidding.)

every word, every hint of emotion took a life of its own in my mind. the aptly titled "last playlist" became especially significant. and in true morning brew fashion, it began with an obscure theme called "the final countdown", and included songs many listeners like myself knew and loved. it was perfect. the runaway winner was the song i had begged to be included (vito actually read my message on the air the day before). i had felt it was most fitting, actually. and i think they both loved it as much as i did.

---

it was gratifying and depressing at the same time listening to the last time i would hear my all-time favorite djs on air together. the onslaught of messages for the playlist was testimony to the number of lives they have touched in the two years they took over the morning slot. i had a feeling they finally gave in to their seldomly-revealed schmaltziness, anyway it was their last day. the moment i recognized the athenaeum song played, i realized the extent of vito's influence on my preferences (what i didn't know and 311's amber became fast favorites). i waited with bated breath for them to play a clair marlo song (something i had in common with mylinda), but i guess it would have been just too depressing. vito introducing tori's special request made me realize they were the only show i knew where the traffic reporter was a regular participant. and mylinda going on about running overtime with eric waiting to get on board brought back the moments when i wished the show didn't end.

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but it did that day, for the last time. it wouldn't be an exaggeration to claim it was as if part of my self was taken away from me forever. false modesty aside, i knew that i as a listener had a part in what the show had become in those two years. being a very active listener, i had invested considerable time, effort, and money (in the form of mobile phone bills) and made that show my own. as all the other loyal listeners have made it their own as well. and i knew, though to a lesser extent, how vito and mylinda felt when they had to let go of their baby. it's always sad to say good bye to a worthy creation.

how to have a good day

this was the question asked by a certain instant coffee product in a radio promo. my favorite djs would ask a specific question everyday and enjoin listeners to text in their responses.

to my surprise i found i have an answer after all.

my best guy friend recently gave me a cd compilation of a whole mine of songs, from nirvana to dido to dashboard confessional. but i specifically requested two songs to be included. these songs i never could get enough of, having requested them on the morning brew over and over on consecutive days. and yesterday i discovered to what extent i can't get enough of them.

imagine this. last tuesday i came to work a few minutes late. since i was the first one in my department to arrive i played one song on a loop and it remained on almost the whole day. then again yesterday, from the time i left my aunt's office (where we met for breakfast) until i took a break for lunch. and while i waited for my friends at the mall last night. and right before i went to sleep.

if ever there was a song made to jumpstart your day, this is the one.

---

311, amber
(nick hexum)

brainstorm
take me away from the norm
i got to tell you something
this phenomenon
i had to put it in a song
and it goes like

whoa amber is the color of your energy
whoa shades of gold displayed naturally

you ought to know what brings me here
you glide through my head blind to fear
and i know why

whoa amber is the color of your energy
whoa shades of gold displayed naturally

whoa amber is the color of your energy
whoa shades of gold displayed naturally

you live too far away
your voice rings like a bell anyway

don't give up your independence
unless it feels so right
nothing good comes easily
sometimes you gotta fight

whoa amber is the color of your energy
whoa shades of gold displayed naturally

launched a thousand ships in my heart
so easy
still it's fine from afar
and you know that

whoa brainstorm take me away from the norm
whoa i got to tell you something

lyrics taken from the official 311 website, www.311.com