fortress around my heart

last friday i had a really long talk with one of my closest friends. just because he and my next best friend are an item, he thinks it gives him the right to dissect my love life (well, everyone pretty much does, anyway). that being the case, i took off my "dear ate helen" hat and gave it to him for the moment.

like in previous discussions we've had, my mood shifted from eagerness to annoyance to indulgence to suspicion to jealousy (don't ask!) to incredulity to resignation. while the topic of discussion really centered around one subject, it's like we've covered every possible aspect of it. most of the time i tend to hold my cards close to my chest, especially with him and that particular subject we were talking about. i guess he's a naturally thorough conversationalist, but that certain time i opened up and told him all my fears and apprehensions and doubts, even the things i didn't want to tell him at first because i didn't want him to misinterpret. his opinions really counted a lot because it was a different point of view, though sometimes i tend to reject some of them because he was being either too hopeful or too paranoid.

so i learned a lot too. most of them i already knew in my mind, but my insecurity and fear prevents me from accepting them in my heart. after digesting what we talked about, i realized that fear really is holding me back. all that b.s. about my pride, and my doubts about my feelings, they were all rooted in fear. last year i already reconciled with the possibility of falling in love, i now don't reject the possiblity outright. but it seems i got stuck on taking the next step as well. i still have not accepted that level of engagement, and i give all sorts of excuses. i kept saying that i don't think i was in it for real because i can't commit or fight for it, and that i can't swallow my pride as well. because of my insecurities, i still rejected the idea of stepping up and admitting -- even to myself -- the extent of my feelings. whenever i think about it, i'm still not committed (i don't know what to call it, it could be real or not), or i hedge (maybe it is love, but i don't know), or worse, i get conditional (if something develops, then i'll know). now, i say, that is such a load of c___.

but aside from that, i realized something else that has been in my subconscious for some time. i'm also scared of the power i have over another person. by some instinct, i knew i possessed a lot of influence. i knew that if i worked really hard, there's a good chance that something would come out of it. which is why i said didn't want to swallow my pride; my pride wouldn't allow me to do all the work. it's like i bulldozed my way into it, and i couldn't accept that i was into it more than that other person is. in short, i didn't want to be at the losing end.

a long time ago, i already encountered the feeling of omnipotence and i got scared. as a result, i handled it badly. i could have stayed and learned for myself that i really didn't want to pursue a relationship with this person, but i ran off with all my ideas, afraid of proving myself wrong. it took me a long time before i allowed myself to get close to that person again, but now we know each other so well though we remained platonic friends, and i'm happy about it. if i hadn't done that, i would have lost the chance to share something that only the two of us can appreciate.

i have walls that i hide behind at the slightest hint or possibility of connecting with someone. i think at the very least i was afraid that someone would find out i'm not worth it. and because of that, i keep waiting for someone to break down those barriers. i see now that barriers cannot be broken down without my consent.

---

under the ruins of a walled city
crumbling towers in beams of yellow light
no flags of truce, no cries of pity
the siege guns had been pounding all through the night
it took a day to build the city
we walked through its streets in the afternoon
as i returned across the fields i'd known
i recognized the walls that i'd once made
i had to stop in my tracks for fear
of walking on the mines i'd laid

and if i built this fortress around your hearten
circled you in trenches and barbed wire
then let me build a bridge
for i cannot fill the chasm
and let me set the battlements on fire

then i went off to fight some battle
that i'd invented inside my head
away so long for years and years
you probably thought or even wished that i was dead
while the armies all are sleeping
beneath the tattered flag we'd made
i had to stop in my tracks for fear
of walking on the mines i'd laid

the prison has now become your home
a sentence you seem prepared to pay
it took a day to build the city
we walked thought its streets in the afternoon
as i returned across the fields i'd known
i recognized the walls that i'd once made
i had to stop in my tracks for fear
of walking on the mines i'd laid

-- sting, fortress around your heart

pockets of free time, part 2

still have a lot of time to kill before i get out of the house, so here goes.

last week i watched the rivermaya and kitchie nadal concert at the araneta. a few weeks ago mike was asking if i wanted to watch. to give a little background, i first saw rivermaya with the current lineup at the klite anniversary party last year (see this: http://politicsaside.blogspot.com/2004/10/birthday-bash.html ). and early this year, i was lucky enough to see them perform at the petron launch, again with my best buddy mike. so mike has a pretty good idea how eager i am to see rivermaya again... especially mike elgar (hahaha!) but this time our hearts weren't really into it, since it was a saturday and i rarely stay in manila on saturday nights.

by some kind of fluke, another friend won a bunch of tickets to the concert. i had converted gary into a semi-regular morning brew listener, and we were constantly trying our luck on free tickets. this time, he got lucky (though he was gunning for tickets to the guess who premier). so mike and i got to watch after all.

gaaaah, i'm really getting lazy, so just read mike's review by clicking here: http://saveferris.blog-city.com/read/1206941.htm but i have to say, i still don't like kitchie all that much. the only song i liked from her is same ground.

open up my eager eyes

a week ago, i holed up in my school library just surfing and updating and putting down my thoughts on html (see previous entry). then i decided, why not hunt up this new song getting regular airplay at klite? then i realized, i loved this song! though i really didn't understand what it was about, in a matter of minutes it became my current favorite song... in the same way i went crazy over amber last year. i don't want to brag, but i do believe my craziness helped finally put the song on the number one spot at the weekly tally. yippee!
check out the two videos of this song over at http://www.islandrecords.com/thekillers/site/home.las

i'm coming out of my cage
and i’ve been doing just fine
gotta gotta be down
because i want it all
it started out with a kiss
how did it end up like this
it was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
now i’m falling asleep
and she’s calling a cab
while he’s having a smoke
and she’s taking a drag
now they’re going to bed
and my stomach is sick
and it’s all in my head
but she’s touching his—chest
now, he takes off her dress
now, let me go

i just can’t look its killing me
and taking control
jealousy, turning saints into the sea
swimming through sick lullabies
choking on your alibis
but it’s just the price i pay
destiny is calling me
open up my eager eyes
‘cause i’m mr brightside

i’m coming out of my cage
and i’ve been doing just fine
gotta gotta be down
because i want it all
it started out with a kiss
how did it end up like this
it was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
now i’m falling asleep
and she’s calling a cab
while he’s having a smoke
and she’s taking a drag
now they’re going to bed
and my stomach is sick
and it’s all in my head
but she’s touching his—chest
now, he takes off her dress
now, let me go

i just can’t look its killing me
and taking control
jealousy, turning saints into the sea
swimming through sick lullabies
choking on your alibi
but it’s just the price i pay
destiny is calling me
open up my eager eyes
‘cause i’m mr brightside

i never...
i never...
i never...

-- the killers, mr. brightside

pockets of free time

finally! i now own a genuine burned copy (in other words, hilaw na pirata) of sting's the soul cages. yippee! buti na lang a friend of mine has a friend in japan who came home recently and brought home a copy, coz there are none to be found even at tower/m1. since it was only a burned copy, i'm not sure if the original really included this really far-out version of moon over bourbon street. like, it's really different, i didn't recognize it at first.

keep hanging on

part 7 of the philosophical discourses on waiting

tonight i met up with my original gimik gang. the three of us were part of the same group in high school, and whenever i'm asked who my friends are they're the first to come to mind. i'd been nursing a headache since morning but i decided to go because i hadn't seen my best friend in so many weeks, and it was time to catch up.

inevitably the discussion led to our respective love lives -- or in my case, my perceived lack thereof. some people would argue that i had one. but the truth is, anything that can be used as proof in that argument is either nonexistent or an assumption, which amounts to nothing. i was (again) bemoaning the fact that i'm still unattached, while both of my girl friends are so much into their significant others.

i know, there's nothing really wrong with being single. in fact, i know i'm not ready for a relationship at this time. but the subject is such a thorn in my side because of the mere fact that i've never had a boy friend. not in high school, not in college, and obviously not at work or grad school. it's one more reason why i've become so insecure about myself, it actually becomes a vicious cycle because my insecurity feeds my anxiety about having a love life.

hearing me rant and rave about the subject probably exasperated the girls somehow, because they finally joked that they were gonna raffle me off. ha. maybe because i told them i didn't want to get serious about love the first time. weird, i know. i felt like i missed out on being with someone in a carefree way, so i wanted to recapture my youth in that aspect. besides, i knew i wasn't ready for the serious stuff. sounds like a recipe for disaster. which is probably why god hasn't given me that blessing yet, because i wanted it for the wrong reasons.

it's not unusual

it's summer once again, and with the season comes one of the most anticipated workplace activities... summer outings!

since our company has more than 300 employees in the head office/petron office alone, we were allowed to organize our own departmental outing. some have already gone to popular beach retreats like batangas, or water world resorts like fontana. one department even went as far as boracay (but this was planned way in advance). but when my department (along with 3 others) were asked where we were going for our outing, we were met with either trying-to-take-you-seriously expressions, or the more frank "talaga nga? totoo?". that's because we went to enchanted kingdom.

oh, come on. don't tell me you haven't heard of a company outing at EK. even i tagged along on my mom's outing for my first visit. but in this case, what people probably found incredible is that we were mostly singles or have no kids on tow. actually, only one of us had her kids come and she lived virtually next door to EK. but the point was, were were mostly in our twenties and we probably wanted to capture our lost youth -- or at least, go back to college age, which i knew i always wanted to do. and for a few hours, we were teenagers again.

yesterday we had our lunch at luk yuen in glorietta, and we boarded the bus going to balibago, sta. rosa at 2pm. EK day-trippers had separate (more expensive) tickets, but now i know how to get there much more cheaply. anyway, we got there at around 4 and the fun begins! first we got on the bumpcars -- tame in the fear factor but fun just the same. and of course just one turn is not enough, and the second run was better because i had more control of the car i was driving. after that we went on the pretend hot air balloons, then on the kids' rollercoaster (to get revved up?). i passed on anchors away, and got on jungle log jam and space shuttle -- my favorite thrill rides. and because of too much excitement i got real dizzy. whoa, i really should have remembered i was prone to motion sickness. which is why i opted not to go on rio grande, even if i was really looking forward to it. sigh. but even then, the bunch of us went home happy as clams.

i can't wait to see the pictures... and show them once i've learned how to post them ;)

taking it all in stride

yesterday was such a topsy-turvy day for me. (warning: this is horribly ego-centric)

i woke up at 6, just as the police's de do do do, de da da da started playing over at klite. that got me out ouf dreamland. i instantly sent vito (he's back at klite) a text message, about how lucky i was to hear it first thing and i was very optimistic about my day. it was a friday.

i told my aunt i was going to the gym, but i was having second thoughts. then i decided, what the heck, i'm gonna take a shower and gym can wait. but my aunt and my mum replied too late for me, and i ended up getting one of my moods... the one i always get when i'm on the defensive. i showed up at starbucks and gave my best impression of a bear to my parents. luckily i came to my senses, i wouldn't want to leave them the impression that they raised a sad kid. another lucky, i still managed to meet up with aunt and gave her my bag of laundry to take home. hayyyyy salamat.

i had two deadlines, none of which i made. the more important one, the revision of a draft i submitted earlier to my boss, i was supposed to finish in the morning. but nooooo. (it still surprises me how i can be so optimistic -- and out of this world -- about impossible deadlines.) before i finally got down to work i already missed half the morning. ha.

all afternoon i tried to work on the analysis. i was still on the second of 5 topics when my boss decided to have her lunch, at 4 pm. we were waiting for the other girl in my department, who went out, but we decided not to anymore. so we went over to pacific star and talked over a plate of pasta, shrimp entree, and two glasses of iced tea.

we came back to office almost an hour later and soon after my ka-department came back. a few minutes before 6 we decided to have the delayed talk over a cup of coffee and headed back to p.s., starbucks this time. we stayed until past 7 and went back to work. (i know, para kaming walang ginagawa no? one of the perks of our status in the company, i guess. but we do work long hours, even weekends, to compensate.)

finally called it quits at half past eight... i still had to get to lrt buendia and take a bus ride home to elbi. and of all the days, my bus had to break down because of a cut fuel line. man, it was smelling gas inside. buti na lang we were at petron slex because of routine gas-up and inspection. i called my aunt and she told me to wait for my parents to come get me, instead of riding the bus again. we managed to reach home midnight.

so what's this post really about? actually, most of the topsy-turvy stuff is an effect of my colleague's anouncement after lunch. guess what? she's resigning. from the original team of five, i'm the only one left. my current boss, who took over when my previous boss left last year, wasn't part of the original project team. so now i feel somewhat left behind.

don't get me wrong, i'm glad she got that chance. we (my boss and i) agreed that it was the perfect time for her, and the perfect chance if she was going to push through with her plans. and since i was such a big believer in fate helping things along, i knew the signs were there that her decision was the right one. but as i told them, i did envy her. though i do realize that this isn't the right time for me. and i could go on and on counting off the reasons.

i'm sad that she's going, coz she's the closest friend i have at work right now. i'm happy too, i 'm naturally benevolent about that and for her, i know it's right. i'm scared, because the responsibilities are now in my hands. but in spite of all these, i'm more than fine.

---

when i wake in the morning
i want to blow into pieces
i want more than just okay, more than just okay

when i’m up with the sunrise
i want more than just the blue skies
i want more than just okay, more than just okay

i’m not givin’ up, givin’ up now
i’m not givin’ up, not backing down

more than fine, more than bent on getting by
more than fine, more than just okay

when i’m lit with the sunshine
i want more than just a good time
i want more than just okay, more than just okay

i’m not givin’ up, givin’ up now
i’m not givin’ up, not selling out

more than fine, more than bent on getting by
more than fine, more than just okay

more than oceans away from the dawn
more than oceans away from who we are
more than oceans, more than oceans yeah

more than fine, more than bent on getting by
more than fine, more than just okay

ten points to the person who guesses whose song this is (what a mouthful)

my cd survey

one tuesday evening last year i met up with mike at shang and we ended up at starbucks at megastrip. both being music lovers and cd collectors we ended up discussing our favorites and cheap finds. this list pretty much sums it up for me.

1) the first cd you bought
the cardigans first band on the moon. the reason behind my second appearance at the morning brew cd archives.

2) the last cd you bought
urbandub birth

3) what you'd bring to a desert island
ebtg home movies
sting ...all this time
maroon5
radiohead the bends
the police greatest hits (para feel na feel yung message in a bottle hehehe)

4) the most expensive
the smashing pumpkins adore. forgot how much, kasi it was in hk$ at hmv way back 1998. i wasn't really keen on getting it though i was a big sp fan, but my aunt finally convinced me. true enough, the copies sold here didn't have the bonus vcd of the videos for ava adore and perfect.

5) what you will never lend to anyone (or will, but with great reservation)
my uncles' cds, coz they're not mine to lend! other than those, none i think. i'm such a pushover.

6) pinahirapan ka muna bago mo nakuha
belly king. i had the tape for the longest time, high school pa yata. i almost gave up on it because i never see any belly cds at tower. then one sunday i chanced on the only copy at tower alabang. yehey!

7) your current wish list (what you'd buy right now if you had the money)
OST spiderman2
sergio mendes 3 decades (11/20/07 got the mp3s)
eraserheads ultraelectromagneticpop! (11/20/07 got this already)
OST a walk to remember. because of switchfoot (11/20/07 got this already)
keane hopes and fears. if only for everybody's changing (11/20/07 got the mp3s)

8) rarities... sana ma-reissue
ateneo glee club langit. a collection of prayer songs, distributed by bookmark. and conspicuously absent from the jesuit comm catalogs. last thursday i chanced upon lahi (their other album in the series) in abundance at music one and it is now priced at 295 (when i bought it at 420 last year)... meaning it could be a reissue. i found hope. anyway, i loved langit for the choral version of prayer of st. francis, one of my favorite glee club pieces.
clair marlo. my friend/officemate wants a copy because she likes it so much. and because without me is such a favorite, i want one too. (11/20/07 got the mp3s)
color it red hand painted sky. though i have a copy of my classmate's cd, i'd still buy an original just for the inlay.
eraserheads fruitcake. there's a petition going on at the eheads mailing list and there are around 50 orders so far... they need 500 for a reissue. (11/20/07 got the mp3s)

9) not really rarities (nasa #7 sana pero mahirap hanapin sa local record stores)
weezer weezer (blue album). i had the tape and i loved it. thanks to my childhood friend tina for introducing me to weezer.
dominic miller shapes. dominic is sting's guitarist for 14 years now. he can do classical, and he has also done guitar work for the pretenders and julia fordham (girlfriend). but his most famous work is his collaboration with sting on shape of my heart, which is featured in this cd.
sting the soul cages. probably the most gloomy album of sting's solo career. contains the hits all this time and why should i cry for you, one of my favorites. (11/20/07 someone gave me a burned copy :)
hole celebrity skin. in my opinion, this is the better hole album (compared to the one with miss world), even if i know only three songs. two of those i've performed with romily at an open jam.
10000 maniacs mtv unplugged. another band i really admire, but i never went silly over them the way i did for the others.

10) didn't expect to love the whole album
radiohead the bends. the album that gave them cred. like, from one-hit wonder to superband.
oasis (what's the story) morning glory. sure, the gallaghers' attitude can make you cringe, but this is proof that they have something to brag about.
maroon5 songs about jane. i felt guilty about getting this album early last year when i had just maxed my credit for christmas. when i finally got down to seriously listening to it, i have not felt guilty about it again. and this was before this love was played on every other radio station.
parokya ni edgar khangkhungkherrnitz and inuman sessions. one of the few bands that is still intact after all this time. just hope vinci doesn't officially leave the band for many years yet. chito's voice grows on you, promise.
eraserheads circus. the soundtrack of my teenage angst. unlocking the complete chord pattern and the bass intro of alapaap all by myself is one of my biggest achievements as a bass player.
urbandub influence. heck, they won album of the year for goodness' sake!
switchfoot the beautiful letdown. i wished for this album for my birthday on the strength of meant to live. not surprisingly, i loved the whole album even if i found some lyrics kinda corny. i guess they really are good.