keep hanging on

part 7 of the philosophical discourses on waiting

tonight i met up with my original gimik gang. the three of us were part of the same group in high school, and whenever i'm asked who my friends are they're the first to come to mind. i'd been nursing a headache since morning but i decided to go because i hadn't seen my best friend in so many weeks, and it was time to catch up.

inevitably the discussion led to our respective love lives -- or in my case, my perceived lack thereof. some people would argue that i had one. but the truth is, anything that can be used as proof in that argument is either nonexistent or an assumption, which amounts to nothing. i was (again) bemoaning the fact that i'm still unattached, while both of my girl friends are so much into their significant others.

i know, there's nothing really wrong with being single. in fact, i know i'm not ready for a relationship at this time. but the subject is such a thorn in my side because of the mere fact that i've never had a boy friend. not in high school, not in college, and obviously not at work or grad school. it's one more reason why i've become so insecure about myself, it actually becomes a vicious cycle because my insecurity feeds my anxiety about having a love life.

hearing me rant and rave about the subject probably exasperated the girls somehow, because they finally joked that they were gonna raffle me off. ha. maybe because i told them i didn't want to get serious about love the first time. weird, i know. i felt like i missed out on being with someone in a carefree way, so i wanted to recapture my youth in that aspect. besides, i knew i wasn't ready for the serious stuff. sounds like a recipe for disaster. which is probably why god hasn't given me that blessing yet, because i wanted it for the wrong reasons.