moving out

my day so far: normal, with permeating lethargy and illusion of no worries, but with an atmosphere of impending doom... or at least, last-minute chores and panic attacks due to unresolved and unfinished tasks.

my mind so far: not working at any speed. except for this.

my body so far: a bit tired, due to a late night and the consequent attachment to my very comfortable bed and jammies.

my heart so far: after my very recent close encounter and subsequent communications (which further enhanced the lingering effects of the close encounter), currently developing an inclination for further contact. and gradually acquiring a sense of deprivation for said company. we'll see in 3 days if it again develops into a massive case of craving with accompanying disgust for self.

my life so far: as i have already said, i've been struck by an unending case of sluggishness. now my world has been turned upside down in an instant. i'm moving back to my old office. actually, my whole department is. it's something we've always had at the back of our minds every time we had to face the gruelling travel going to and from head office. now that it's finally happening, without any warning, i'm bolstered by the thought of all the ways my life has been made easier. less traffic in the morning. walking distance to the banks. a few minutes away from the malls. getting to my monday class on time for once. going back home to change for a gimmick. and going home to lb without much hassle.

but as with every change, there are things i'll certainly miss. the unlimited internet access (blogging won't be as frequent as before). the ym chats with friends. the constant surfing at friendster. although i think it's also propitious in order to resolve my distraction at work. and belatedly i realized that i have lots of friends in this office after all. and they're the ones who are in the same boat at work as i am, so they know where i'm coming from. i'll certainly miss their company, especially the one in our barkada who will be left behind, and the two who were my partners in crime at team building weekend. and the people who i wish i'd gotten to know much better. (sigh. they're so cute.)

so it's now past 3.30. i haven't done any work today. in a few minutes my computer will be dismantled and i may be silent... for a long time.

me and my sad, sad life

today is thursday. just beyond the middle of the week. i have not done anything earthshaking so far. to be truthful, i'm not even sure if i've done even a day's worth of work in the last three days.

for several weeks i have tried (and failed) to feel a sense of urgency. i come in and stare at the monitor for hours on end, opening documents and files then at the end of the day closing them without making any changes. the last two weeks have been worse. my apathy has been coupled with sorrow and disorientation. in effect i have been further distracted. and became a blubbering idiot with an undefined urge to write an indefinite number of self-serving commentaries on my pathetic existence. this being one of them. the only bright spots in my humdrum life would be quitting time, the infrequent phone calls, my standing morning appointment with the radio, and the rare appearance of a certain group of people. after which i would revert to my old lonely existence, at times much worse off for having been in close contact with the object of my affection. which is likely to happen again tomorrow.

try as i might to break the habit, i find myself as deeply entrenched in the rut as before. when is this going to end?

moving on

for one last time...
... i will wait impatiently, hoping to hear from you
... i will bear in mind to curb my curiosity
... i will savor the rush of anticipation
... i will keep my serenity as i watch out for you
... i will smile when i see you
... i will admire your wit
i will share your sentiments
i will banter and argue knowing that i never win
... i will live the delusion that you're having a good time, like i am
... i will talk incessantly, thinking you're hanging on my every word
... i will worry and fret until i know you're safe
... i will dream of all we could have done and all we might have been because this is where it ends.

tomorrow, a new day is coming and with it everything changes.

tomorrow...
... all channels will be severed
all reminders will be hidden
all traces will be erased
... i will rebuild the walls around my heart and keep it locked out of sight
... when i think of you, it will not be with longing but with regret as i watch our friendship shrivel from neglect
... i will not hold out my hand and pull you to safety
but if you build a bridge to reach me i might decide you were worth the wait after all.

random thoughts

i don't want to wait for our lives to be over
i want to know right know what will it be
i don't want to wait for our lives to be over
will it be yes or will it be sorry

-- paula cole, i don't want to wait

---

talk about a fine line between love and hate
we've lost more than our direction of late
talk about a fine line between lovers and friends
we've never been lovers and now we're not even friends
in this invisible war, seems we're waging an invisible war
every day i seem to lose you more in this invisible war

-- julia fordham, invisible war

---

everyone keeps asking, what's it all about?
i used to be so certain and i can't figure out
what is this attraction? i only feel the pain
there's nothing left to reason and only you to blame
will it ever change?
cause i am barely breathing and i can't find the air
i don't know who i'm kidding imagining you care
and i could stand here waiting a fool for another day
i don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price
the price that i would pay
but i'm thinking it over anyway

-- duncan sheik, barely breathing

---

yesterday, i was feeling safe
all i do today is trying to be brave
and no melody can seem to soothe my mind
and now i curse you for being so sweet and so kind

-- d'sound, tattooed on my mind

playing the waiting game

something i seem to be doing most of the time is waiting. for the working day to be over. for my next paycheck. for the bus, the jeep, the mrt or fx. for my eternally late friends. but most (and longest) of all for love. this is for every time i've ever waited for someone to become what i wanted him to be. and waited in vain.

i've spent too much time
waiting for you in vain
i can't hear your voice
although i call your name
i can't go on but i still hang on just the same

i've spent endless nights
crying you name out loud
but still remain
alone in an empty crowd
as time goes on i realize you'll never change

i say a prayer
i count the hours
i hear a voice but it's not yours
i count the score
i can't go on playing the waiting game

if you should ever change your mind
i'll be there just call my name
until then i'll be playing the waiting game

i've waited too long
wishing my life away
convincing myself
tomorrow you'd change your ways
i can't go on but i still hang on just the same

i say a prayer
i count the hours
i hear a voice but it's not yours
i count the score
i can't go on playing the waiting game

if you should ever change your mind
i'll be there just call my name
until then i'll be playing the waiting game

all you left me was emptiness
now everyday seems the same
you've gone but i'm still playing the waiting game

i've waited too long for you to change your ways
playing the waiting game

if you should ever change your mind
i'll be there just call my name
until then i'll be playing the aiting game

all you left me was emptiness
now everyday seems the same
you've gone but i'm still playing the waiting game

-- swing out sister, waiting game

troubled mind

it's a beautiful day... not.

since yesterday i've been feeling ambivalent and restless. i'm all set to work on my deliverables but i keep getting distracted. it's like i'm waiting... and waiting... and waiting... but for what? it wasn't as if i was expecting anything to happen.

this has been the second week i've been feeling peculiar, not really my normal carefree self. i've been taking things much too seriously and i get bogged down. i've had to rely on other people to talk sense into me. and other people's words and actions affect me too much, it's becoming unhealthy. it's like my happiness at one particular moment depends on somebody else. and i'm hating it. i feel so helpless.

there have been times in the past that i've been so moody, i even wallowed in it. but this time, it wasn't what i wanted. i want to get over it. but feelings are so contrary, you really can't control them. and even if you rationalize them, they're still there, bugging you.

what makes feelings distinct from thoughts? essentially, thinking is how we acknowledge and assess our feelings. so why can't we change our feelings by changing our thoughts? why can't i think my way out of this nonsense?

taking chances

how to get to your mid-20s and still maintain your ignorance

1. fear

the sources of distress in our lives are always linked to some form of fear: fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of commitment, to name a few. meanwhile everything we celebrate is a triumph over fear. so why do we always succumb to fear? are not human beings supposed to be of advanced intellect? yet it proves to be no match to the irrationality of fear. and so instead of actively promoting our welfare, we always hold back. and thus we remain in the dark.

2. courage

everyone is made up of a healthy dose of fear. yet we also contain a sufficient shot of courage. somebody once said: courage is not the absence of fear. apparently, it is true. because while we fear one thing, we can also face another. it is a paradox often found in life. courage can be used sparingly and unwisely at times, for blind courage can lead to more harm than good. and in so knowing, we keep ourselves even from discreet exercise of courage. and thus we end up not using it at all.

3. truth

truth is far from being absolute and complete. for in the paradox of life, what maybe true in one instance can be the opposite in another. often there is a mix of both sides of the story that make up the real truth but because of our limitation as imperfect beings, we can only perceive one facet of the truth and deign it to be absolute. thus when we are apprised of another facet that we cannot comprehend, we cannot accept it without an open mind.

4. taking chances

fear can inhibit
brazenness can injure
and truth can distort
and we take chances no more.

sharing blessings

a few days ago, my horoscope advised me to "spread my wealth" to my friends. seems to me i have been doing that for the past month or so. not literally (although i have done it a few times as well) but i have been busy this past month just by being a friend to other people.

first off, there's the friend i'm helping with her strategic management paper. as in really helping ha. although she's done a lot of work on her own and with other people, we had to work some figures to support her strategy. and it was not easy, knowing i had little experience in actuarial and sales forecasting. but i guess i contributed my knowledge in numbers-crunching (translation: pandodoktor ng data hehehe). the funny thing is, another classmate asked for help in his strama paper! fortunately he only validated his opinions and we didn't have to go through all that stuff i did with the other.

the second thing is one of my pet hobbies, giving advice to the lovelorn. i happened to catch up with a friend of mine from way back, with really uncanny timing. he was on the so-called fork on the road to his happiness; not knowing whether to maintain the status quo or to finally break free from his attachment. the hard part was getting him to take a stand, being the confused person that he is right now. and staying objective, because i had to shift paradigms to give him the complete picture. and just like in the previous case, i encountered another sad story just today. another one of my friends is experiencing love problems of her own, although this time the decision is pretty much obvious. and not less painful.

now having done my good deeds to others who need my help, when will i be able to do my good deed to the one who needs it most -- myself? but then, a doctor can hardly be expected to diagnose himself. so ate helen really can't come to my rescue now.