Wednesday, November 29, 2006

how do you know when to quit?

i wish i knew how to quit you (from brokeback mountain)
ever since i started making up my own mind, i didn't really make my decisions; rather, i believe that they were made for me by chance or circumstance. whatever significant thing happened to me came from a choice that was the most logical, or the most obvious.

but for the last year or so, it doesn't seem to work that way anymore. i've been given so many chances that turned out to be duds. i don't know if i never stood a chance, or if they just changed their mind about me. but those close calls never came through.

and now, i've lost trust in fate.

if before i would jump at this chance to save my wits (i am getting rusty and dying of boredom), not to mention have some semblance of career progression, i chose to walk on the safe side. which isn't so safe, either. who knows how long i can pretend to be relevant? or worse, how long can my higher-ups carry the budget strain?

i don't know if i was wrong about not going through with it. here was my ticket to working with people i'd choose to belong to. it would have been a relatively easy way to leave the uncertainty of my field, and leave behind the failed exams and the scant opportunities. not that shifting to a new career is without uncertainty, but this was a safe bet at the very least. and the clincher was that i didn't ask for it, i was given a heads up.

but was i right to give up this chance? to have the time to finally put my paper to rest, and not have to postpone it indefinitely? to retain the flexibility (more like a free ride) that i have right now? guilt isn't such a major factor , and i don't have great illusions of being indispensable. but i crave familiarity, and i'm not so hot about traveling all the time - once or twice a year is enough. and there was a reason i avoided teaching -- i have very little patience.

so once again, i have let things lie as they were. who knows if i'll ever get another chance. well, god only knows.

Friday, November 3, 2006

fairy tales and fridays

once upon a time...
there was once a woman who had given up on love. she came to a point where she believed that she'll never find that one person for her, if he had even existed. then she realized that the one person she had counted on for so long was THE ONE. a wedding ceremony and a honeymoon trip later, she was well on her way to her happily ever after.

this is not my story though. as far as i know, it only existed between the pages of the sort of fiction i usually indulged in.

now, there was this girl who was rapidly losing faith that anything romantic will ever happen in her life, yet still holds that secret wish deep within her heart. sometimes it does show up on her sleeve. but love still did not come, however long she waited. then one day it came knocking, in the guise of someone totally unexpected -- but of course, totally acceptable to her tastes, he should be at least pleasant to look at -- and they went into the sunset together.

still not me. but how i wish it would be.

finally, there was a young woman who was so immature that she still was a girl, and is so hopeless that she resorts to reading countless romance paperbacks and dreaming of happy endings to fill up the empty spaces. how she went from being a promising achiever to a laidback, uninspired, and dull slacker is hard to comprehend, but it happened, and whatever lesson she needed to learn, i just wish she'd learn it soon, because she can't put her life at a standstill forever. or she might, and never know just how magnificent the rewards can be if only she worked to get them. maybe then, she'll find the love she'd been waiting for all her life.

the end. for now.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

time may change me, but i can't trace time

will the dice ever roll? when will i ever know?
i wasn't going to write anything tonight. not even when one of the few topics my best friend brought up during her mercifully short phone call today was lack of blog activity. but this was something i can't pass up.

the last few months i've been looking for a copy of trapt's lost realist, to no avail. i've tried my usual sources but wasn't successful with them. then the other day, i tried googling it - a desperate move not for the lazy. i tried it before with another song, and it was so tedious a task that i swore i would only do it again if i was desperate. which i was.


anyway, i was getting discouraged with all the russian characters that kept popping up in the google results, but i did manage to find an mpeg file - or so i thought. it was quicktime embedded in a page, and the parent directory was "forbidden". i'm just a hack, so i really don't know what to do with it. but later tonight (or is it early this morning? it's already past midnight) i got the brilliant idea to save the web page. and what do you know, even if the download was so quick it was disheartening, i read the file description and it looked like a regular mp3 file. whoopee! finally i got it! and it played properly!


the moral of the story is: if you want something bad enough, you have to think out of the box.


unfortunately for me, i'm just too darned lazy to do it.
song of the week: storm large, changes (originally by david bowie. anyone have this mp3?)

Friday, September 22, 2006

my baby's got the bends, we don't have any real friends

- radiohead, the bends

two of my regular morning companions are anjanette and vito. they're not from the office, nor are they my pet dogs (and i'm not looking for any in the near future, thank you). they're only the voice of non-reason in my head, especially when my earphones are plugged in and my mp3 player is in radio mode. welcome to my daily habit, the one i don't want to quit.

in the four years or so that the morning brew has been on air, i'd probably been listening for almost the same length of time. except for the time that they changed the station format and got eric to come on board temporarily... i guess it just proves that the jocks were the essence of the show. i'm rambling, i know. i've said all of this before, here. so anyway, vito came back and anjanette took over the news reporting duties. soon they got the show back on track, especially with the return of a much-loved segment, the morning brew playlist. and after almost two years, they brought back another popular segment, the morning brew cd archive. a segment i had been on twice in mylinda's time. and just this week, i renewed my acquaintance with vito when i came on board for the third time.

it's pretty obvious, i like my 15 minutes of fame. if i can stretch it to half an hour, so much better. talking about one of my favorite things -- music -- is definitely a bonus. another plus is the chance to finally put on board one of my top 5 albums of all time, from one of my top 5 bands of all time: the sophomore-jinx jinxer, radiohead's the bends.

like i said on air that day, radiohead is more than just that rocker knockoff creep (a song i hated, by the way). and they're not just this way cool band that is so introspective it gets weird, like they are in ok computer and the three albums since (or what i've heard so far from them... i got bored too soon). critics have heaped praises and the brits all but stood them up next to the beatles, but i also wonder: what's the big deal? maybe this album is about the most i can handle from them. but this is where people started treating them seriously, instead of as "just another rock band". there is beauty in transition.

the great thing about this outing was, i think i did make an impact. i remember this regular texter who thought the band is overrated, with all that hoopla about karma police and the other stuff. after he heard the first song (i picked just, one of the less recognizable singles), he might have been tempted to give the band another chance. most of the other messages were about wanting to hear my iron lung, but i thought that the album deserved to be exposed beyond the hit singles. besides, i was not passing up the chance to let people hear my favorite radiohead song, black star. oh, and this dude actually thought the album was cool, and so was i. haha! i mean, come on, the whole point is of this exercise is to delude myself that i am cool. i the man!

Sunday, September 17, 2006

push the mute button

i'm still reeling... i am numb... i've been had. but i'm one up on them. they didn't get one cent from me.
who else is dismayed that the gossip had proven to be true?

against all odds and beyond logic, that effing band of has-beens (who now can't even use the term supernova because of a court order) chose the one person i was not convinced is the right choice. this was a setup. magni, toby, and dilana were not even in the running.

so good luck to you, gargamel... er, lukas. you're gonna need it. and to tommy, gilby and jason... don't hold your breath. you've had 11 weeks of us hanging on every word you say and every move you make (geez i resorted to parroting the police!). you are not gonna take any more of my time. now toby is another matter. meet my new favorite band, juke kartel !

and now, back to regular posting.


in honor of the rock star finale this week, here's my least favorite performances from this season. in some cases, they just plain suck.

disclaimer: i did not see the first five weeks so i probably missed out on a lot of mind-numbing performances. thank god.

jill gioia: respect (aretha franklin). were you even thinking straight, jill? you are not a rock chick, and you can't pull off a rock version of a song that is screaming soul train. no way.

patrice pike: celebrity skin (hole). probably thought she is true-blue rocker just because she nailed my iron lung. not by a long shot, baby.

chris pierson: roxanne (the police). dilana had good reason to perform this song on the finale; she has to avenge sting's musical genius. and when i saw the clip from the earlier weeks, that practice session at the mansion is enough to judge. A-W-F-U-L.

ryan star: baba o'riley (the who). man, that was sooo painful to watch. i'm not gonna say anything more about the climbing up the amps, running around like there was no tomorrow, and opening that champagne bottle. those were the least of his problems.

dilana robichaux: psycho killer (talking heads). dilana is a very good performer, if she's prepared. lucky for her, they'd rather give ryan the boot that week, otherwise she'd have been in big trouble.

lukas rossi: all these things that i've done. besides the awful voice and the horrible stage moves, he does not do good on the killers. leave it for toby, dude.

magni asgeirsson: starman (david bowie). in all honesty, i can't find one performance that i hated. it's just this one highlights how much his performance improves when a song really suits him. this one, it's like he hardly moves at all.

toby rand: runaway train (soul asylum). boring as hell. this isn't you... wrong song choice, brother.

storm large: i will survive (gloria gaynor). her gamble did not pay off. and she got completely trashed by dave. that's gotta suck, right? then they all tried to bring it around the next night, giving her props and allowing her to defend her performance. evs. btw, it was a toss-up between this song and bring me to life, but toby was in that song so here it is.

ooops, i forgot z! to be honest, i am not impressed with her singing style, though i loved not an addict. however, i didn't see enough performances to judge, not even on the episodes i actually watched (must've been on bathroom break). i might put in razorblade (blue october) just for the sake of having her on the list... but i love the dress she wore that night. if you're gonna get booted out, might as well look your best.


ok, so i'll be posting a follow-up to my favorites list sometime in the future. i'm just not in the mood for it right now. you can see why.

song of the week: toby rand, somebody told me (from rock star: supernova finale)
gadawful song of the week: lukas rossi, bittersweet symphony (from rock star: supernova finale)

Monday, September 11, 2006

this is it!

dalawang tulog na lang...

the season ender of rock star: supernova is just hours away... and i can't wait!

last week, my officemate and i spent probably 10 minutes at the watercooler (which lends truth to that idiom about watercooler gossip) just taking apart all the performances last wednesday and thursday. i still believe dilana is a kickass singer, but i've also gotten around to officemate's opinion that toby is the one. but i digress...

dilana, my dear, what the hell are you thinking? or, to paraphrase gilby, what the hell were you not thinking? i guess this is what's called equal opportunity -- not one person has everything, eh? so maybe you have reason to think that because the band was looking for a singer, it is not necessary to be a brilliant songwriter. maybe they were just trying to stump you, because otherwise you are it. but good gawd! get over the depression girl! i'm expecting you to come out in fighting form wednesday. don't disappoint me.

oh stormy! how i wish you were here... i've come to love you, wrong notes and all. you give such heartfelt performances especially this last week. but i'll see you again this wednesday, and i'm half-rooting for you to get the wild card encore. basta you'll sing the mature version of ladylike... like it will happen on tv.

magni, though you're a great singer (i still got you on a pedestal man) i really don't think you will win. maybe fuel should get you instead... or how about pinch-hitting for ed kowalczyk? us live fans won't notice.

i don't understand how supernova got hooked on headspin. they were raving and raving about it. thankfully, newsted just shut up about lukas' voice, that comment was really getting old. but i still like you, gargamel, just for that lithium performance the other week (which officemate and i agreed was the best performance episode ever... though the next day everything went south). at least, you being from toronto is not the only reason.

ryan, you sourgraping boy! you're just so lucky the fans love you, and you're making a killing on the downloads. now you're cashing in, with a live recording of your previous songs on rockstar accompanied by no less than the house band! i'll buy it if only for a cleaner version of enjoy the silence. or maybe i'll just wait for the downloads. heheheheh.

my favorite aussie boy! you've come a long way, baby. thank god you've turned it all around... from being barely noticeable to bright shining new frontrunner. or maybe you were just keeping your cards close, eh? well done, dude. you wowed 'em with your last performances, and you've got more than decent songwriting skills too. what more could they ask for? one piece of advice (if you even get to hear about it): make a good name for yourself, because one day you'll find you've outlived those three clowns. uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh!

song of the week (last week): storm large, suffragette city (from rock star: supernova)

Tuesday, September 5, 2006

i'm so excited

isang tulog na lang...
dj has posted a spoiler list for tomorrow's ep of rs:supernova.

all are performing originals, as well as covers. nice! the last three eliminated (ryan, patrice and zayra) were also the ones who got the original song in the song selection. at least now they can't blame the original song for getting booted out, because all of them are doing it.

most anticipated for me is toby's take on mr. brightside. this was marty's breakout performance last year, and i think toby's voice is better suited to the song. earlier i've been wondering what song would be great for toby, and so far he has shown his versatility with layla, solsbury hill, and rebel yell. it's time he visits the alternative scene.

and in case you haven't noticed, i'm rooting for toby mostly. i crush him na. heheheh.

Saturday, September 2, 2006

hell week

it's not just for college orgs
it's just one of those weeks that you wish was over when it's just started.

i've been wrestling with a project deliverable for, like, 3 weeks now, and it's still not done. i'm rapidly losing cred here and i still can't figure out what to do! though i guess it'll all come when i'm good and ready... but i really hope that will happen on monday.

then i have this sneezing spell which rapidly developed into a cold last monday. this whole week i felt soooo tired when i got home at night... and it's not purely due to taking the bus to and from work. i actually went to bed willingly before 10 pm early this week. but then wednesday came, and you know what happens on wednesday...

this week's performance night on supernova is the best in my book. the one bright spot in the entire week. like my officemate said, "wala kang itatapon na performance." surprisingly, i was impressed with lukas the weirdo's performance. MOKB has a good alias for him: gargamel in drag. ROFL.

however, what went down elimination night was exactly that... it went south. gad, it was painful. that does not include toby's encore. and we (errr, me, my best friend and my officemate... as if we were a whole lot, eh?) all agreed about the non-wisdom of booting out ryan "the dark horse" star. i actually thought he was a shoo-in for the finale. but as i re-read MOKB's reviews (they're not flattering at all) i got the picture that ryan might not be as good as i thought. whatever. or, according to toby, EVS.

so with ryan out, who do i think have the chops to make it into the finale? dilana, as i mentioned previously, is the frontrunner, until her horrific mistake during the press clinic. which was why she ended up bottom three for the first time this week. however, she still has lots of cred with supernova. toby, on the other hand, has rapidly gained cred in the last 2-3 weeks. i think it started with week 6 and burning down the house... even if the bullhorn brought on cringes and thoughts of "been there, done that". but him getting to perform with supernova and getting the encore for rebel yell are some pretty obvious signs he is up there. magni, of the solid vocals, should also be a shoo-in. so the question remains, who betwen lukas and storm will be eliminated next week? will we see another double elim?

oh, and i'm also entertaining the wish that none of those three i'm rooting for wins, because they do not deserve to be stuck with a bunch of wash-ups. heheheh.

song of the week: lukas rossi, lithium (from rock star: supernova)

Friday, August 25, 2006

tell me, is it love...

here's a warning. don't eat mc shaker fries if you have a respiratory condition. i had some last sunday, and you won't believe the dust that floats up when you first open the bag after shaking. i didn't even put in half the powder! after the 2 minute coughing fit and wishing for tears to roll down (just to get my eyes cleaned), i made a promise to myself never to order that again. at least potato corner has a person to do the shaking and powder-inhaling for you.

song of the week (five months ago): love floats (the coke float theme song)

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

twilight zone

the day god gave out the gift of organization, i must have been hungover because i didn't get any.

would you say you are an organized person? thankfully i've never been asked that question, because the answer is a resounding NO. sure, everyone has his own system or method, and i'm sure even the owner of the worst pig pen of a room still prays for the day it becomes spic and span. but even with the best intentions, i'm one of the worst when it comes to time, priority, and object safety. i swear, any personal space i'm given becomes a twilight zone... things disappear in them with no clear reason.

about a year ago i started writing this entry, because i was so fed up with my carelessness. at the time i was missing three things. though i learned i could survive without them, it brought me a hard (and in one instance, costly) lesson. one was a backup disc of my files, the second was my bank atm card (which did not contain any money, anyway), and the third was part of my bonus -- in cash. the funny thing was, i actually hid that money so that it won't be found lying around, that even i can't find it any more. it was actually in dollar bills so it wasn't difficult to hide.

now another thing went missing, another steep price i paid for my negligence. but i also found my atm in one of my old wallets. literally worthless, but it gave me some hope that someday i will find that money. or that i'll be blessed with much more than what i lost...

Saturday, August 19, 2006

my rockstar supernova post (finally!)

like the previous season, i did not watch this from the beginning. but hearing the performances i downloaded (go here: jeepney diaries thanks dj!) got me really hooked. i actually thought at the beginning that this batch doesn't hold a candle to the original batch, but i'm having second thoughts now with the five frontrunners.

like i said before, i'm not able to download all the performance clips because of my connection speed (or lack thereof). so here are my favorites among the ones i've got so far:

jill gioia, alone (heart) -- i think this is one of the first i downloaded, because i read off the blogs that this was a good performance. i loved the song, and jill gave justice even with the soaring vocals. this is the kind of band jill should be in.

magni asgeirsson, clocks (coldplay) -- honestly, i hated coldplay. their music rubs me the wrong way, at least until speed of sound came along. magni is the best vocalist in the current batch. maybe not the best performance, not with dilana around, but his vocals are solid everytime i hear him. and he taught me to love this song. (runner-up: magni's rendition of live's the dolphins cry, both the original acoustic performance and the electric encore.)

lukas rossi, creep (radiohead) -- jason newsted was pretty happy with lukas on this song, and it earned him an encore last week. if there was a perfect match, this song and his looks are it.

zayra alvarez, not an addict (k's choice) -- zayra is not supernova material, and the guys proved it when they picked patrice over her last night. that's not to say she's horrible, she wouldn't have got to the top 15 if she was. this is one of those songs that prove it, her sometimes off-tune vocals go nicely here.

patrice pike, my iron lung (radiohead) -- i admit, i'm a sucker for radiohead, especially if it's off the bends. i'm not happy with patrice's more recent performances, because she honestly comes off like a preppy rocker. but she's good with this song, and instant karma (john lennon) also suits her. (however, i think supernova should have done the double elimination thing and booted her out with zayra.)

josh logan, santeria (sublime) -- best friend lei was raving over this, and ranting over him getting kicked out last week. though he miscued in the beginning, he recovered quite nicely. you gotta hear it to feel the vibe, and there's even a pleasant surprise in the middle.

ryan star, in the air tonight (phil collins) -- supernova was happy with ryan's steady improvement, and this performance was so powerful yet silent that it earned a deserving encore. in contrast to dilana's performance, which was rocking as usual, this one had more impact.

dilana robichaux, lithium (nirvana) -- if there was one standout in this batch, this babe is it. i think someone said she has more balls than any of the guys there, and it's true. this is her first performance and she rocked even more than kurt did in the original. and these last performances are so consistent with that first one, you can't help but think it's a done deal. though supernova denies it to death.

song of the week: josh logan, santeria (from rock star: supernova)

Sunday, August 13, 2006

what you see is what you buy

i had only one thing in mind coming out of the office that afternoon: get those damn radiohead cds. and i did.
so, finally i have a radiohead collection! i actually bought all three cds last friday. heheheh. and the weird thing is, i haven't even listened to all of them... i didn't even finish ok computer... gaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!



i love gadgets. i've owned my fair share, from mobile phones to discman to palm pda to laptop. even if i can't afford to buy everything i wanted, i still keep pretty updated. it helps to be friends with i.t. people and when your seatmate at work has a cellphone business.

the problem with losing your mobile phone is that it forces you to choose among all the different kinds available in the market today. ultimately i really wanted a blackberry, ever since i noticed its steady improvement from mere organizer to mobile email device, though it's running behind on the aesthetic aspect. however, wanting a blackberry might point you in the direction of the smartphones, with the pda plus camera plus music player. and these phones don't come cheap. i'm thinking p990, but it hasn't come out yet. w950i would also be great, but it doesn't seem to be worth spending that much money on it and get no camera. i mean, if you're thinking of spending a whole lot, better get all that stuff in.

on the other hand, i'm thinking of getting a simpler phone as a stop-gap. the whole point is having a mobile phone with little clutter, just the basic call and text (and maybe gprs for when you get bored) in color display. without the color, i would have just gone back to my trusty 6-yr-old nokia 3210, except that it's like having a brick in your bag. i almost bought the motorola l6 when my cellphone-dealing officemate took me with her to her supplier, and she got the pink one for herself. it was so cute! and so light! and it has cool games!

but the thing is, if i had gotten that stop-gap phone i would still have wanted the pda phone thing, and it would have been an additional expense with little use. i still have that company-issued mobile for the basic functions (i was soooo lucky i had it because i would have been incommunicado for the last 2 weeks). so what's stopping me from getting the pda thing? well, aside from the usual budget restrictions (my money is planned down to the last centavo until september next year), there's the confusion on what model to get. as i said, p990 is the frontrunner but i'm trying to look for other suitable contenders. besides, it appears that the p990 radio will not function with a bluetooth headset and it's so important for security reasons. though why i keep harping on the music functions when i'm planning to get an ipod video anyway (with matching ituner)... i'm just really mixed up i guess.

here's where you come in. i really need your thoughts on this. should i get the stop-gap phone, and which model? the blackberry, though it doesn't have a radio and it looks too formal? the p990 or some other pda phone, like the motorola q? should i go for a phone with video call functionality? should i disregard the radio because of the ipod i'm planning to get? or should i discard the ipod in favor of the sony walkman functionality? so many choices, so little money. and to think they'll all be obsolete in three years' time.
song of the week: marty casey, everlong (from rock star: inxs)

Saturday, July 29, 2006

i blame it on the black star (i heart radiohead!)

48 hours away from my laptop + hundreds of mp3 blog links = radiohead bliss

i get home from work...

i seem to have a really weird hangover. i have less than 8 hours sleep in the last two days, and i must be crazy if i'm still up at one a.m. surfing instead of sleeping. it's not that i can't get enough of the internet, it's just that there are some things that rank higher in my list of priorities. namely, love. pair that with one of the greatest rock bands in history. it's a no-brainer.

i think it was last week or so that my best guy bud and ultimate mp3 resource (the boy's name is mike by the way) sent me a link to a blog that featured a thousand covers of leonard cohen's hallelujah. here i thought jeff buckley was the genius behind the song. and man was i overwhelmed. not only does my old kentucky blog have gazillions of other bands featured (like, the ones you never hear about) as well as an opinionated commentary on rockstar:supernova, it also lists an impressive number of mp3 blogs. i'm telling you, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

it started with me downloading patrice pike's performance of my iron lung (pretty neat), and then one click led to another... and i'm drowning in links to various radiohead live mp3s. it was like having my birthday three months early. if i'd been on dsl i would have downloaded them all according to show, but since i don't i had to pick and choose and leave the rest for another day. listening to the live performance of black star in copenhagen gave me a rush much like staring at my phone wallpaper of lee dong wook. 10 minutes after my last listen, my heart has not stopped pounding.

disclaimer: i'm not really a big, big fan of radiohead. i'm yet to buy the rest of their albums because at the time they came out i was just a poor college student. or a poor entry level actuarial student. only last monday tower gave me a big surprise when they put out 3 cds on the shelf: kid a, ok computer and hail to the thief. i don't think it's ever happened before. so when i've stopped being a poor actuarial analyst (hopefully by next week ) i *might* get ok computer, arguably their best album. so that my copy of the bends will have a companion, finally.

here are some of the other blogs that quenched my thirst for the boys from oxford:

http://musicisart.blogspot.com the kroq performance is here
http://gillmoreboy.blogspot.com linked to musicisart
http://neileslife.blogspot.com copenhagen and other stuff
http://www.bestweekever.tv/category/mp3/ start here

another btw: thom yorke just came out with his solo effort, the eraser. nope, the band is not breaking up.

song of the week: trapt, lost realist

Saturday, July 8, 2006

sunshine on a cloudy day

fridays are not for working, they're for thinking about sunshine
the past few days have been unbearably inconsistent weather-wise. i probably didn't need to say it, but what the heck.

one day this week i rode the bus to work and i was surprised when i came upon a janitor mopping up the puddles at the buendia mrt station. but as i was walking on that dumbass pavement they called a sidewalk, i started feeling the heat -- and not from the conversation i was having with my bud from work. i went out lunchtime armed with my rain jacket and an umbrella, just in case the downpour from the previous hour gave a repeat performance... but nooooo. the whole time i was out on the streets, the sun proved its might as if mocking me and my just-pampered-newly-trimmed hair. yeah, the one time i did not need the hassle of breaking out in sweat.



my sunshine, julian.

hey nic, wasn't it you who wrote about keeping tabs on some korean telenovelas in the us? have you seen mai geol yet? yep, it's airing here right now on channel 2. and i'm so totally in love with seol gong chan (hereabouts known as julian).

to think that i was a bit amused at the idea that my friend ness bought the dvd box set (from lei's suking pirata). and even my recent fascination with princess lulu did not prepare me for this ultimate fanaticism. but the hopeless romantic in me just can't resist the charms of the stoic but caring grandson. and after the marathon session at ness' place last night (i still have 3 more discs to watch -- a total of 6 hours of torture), i could hardly think of anything else. really. i was so unproductive at work today, it's a wonder i even remembered to have a cake delivered from aristocrat (i'm telling you, their chocolate supreme is even better than polly's, though also more pricey). and it took all my willpower to wait for lunchtime to view my friendster page, to get my lee dong wook fix. for once, having lunch was not a priority.

see, who can blame me for complaining about real life? fiction may be insubstantial, but temporary happiness is better than nothing at all.
song of the week: top suzara, sabihin mo na (cheesefest! but my girl is sooo worth it!)

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

new stuff

today was a bit different for once.

i came to work relatively early. like 45 minutes early.

because of above, was able to put on more makeup than i've worn in two? three? weeks. well, i kinda had to, and you'll see why later.

had breakfast part deux with my pals from i.t. lakas ng loob ko kasi wala si boss ;)

left early for lunch out with old work colleagues, treat ni marvin coz he has a new job. finally. after almost 10 years slaving away in the department where we came from, he is finally ger-mani (manager). sarap talaga ng libre lalo na kung brother's burger.

came back with marvs to his office building, because that's where my seminar that afternoon is to be held. i was late, but the seminar wasn't starting yet. nice. and i had the nyl actuarial people to chat with. so i wasn't bored out of my mind, not more than i had to be, thankfully.

seminar finished early because of time restrictions, and i went to greenbelt to wait for my aunt and the ride home. so i got to inquire with ayala museum, and i got to visit my favorite stores: montage (fully booked), power books, and music one. omg i bought another cd, the new release from philippine madrigal singers. buti nga nakapagpigil ako because i actually was holding the 2-in-1 cds from sandwich and sugar hiccup. i think i'm gonna go to the sale this weekend (starts on 2nd and ends on 4th). bahala na kung pitikin ko yung mga yon. hayyy, there goes my resolve...

btw i saw a massive attack best of cd. i was thinking of buying it, but it's more expensive than the locals. i was gonna listen but hindi pala yon ang nakalagay sa listening booth. darn. alam ko lang don is protection eh, which i liked. is it worth buying, i wonder?

i also saw the color it red 2-in-1, but i was not tempted to buy because my friend gary already bought a copy. eh he just texted today that he already made me a copy, to be traded for a copy of cir's pop fiction which i have naman. yehey.

so for once, i was the one waiting impatiently for my aunt (instead of the other way around). and we got home in good time.

Monday, May 22, 2006

wtf?????

caught me unawares. damn!

grissom and sara? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

first it was aiden, then h marrying marisol (not that i hate marisol delko, but i liked calleigh more). there's also the rumor about mac and lindsay. i never thought i'd ask this question, but what is csi coming to? i thought it would be the show that will be more about cases than love interests (though that didn't stop me from hoping :D ). especially las vegas.

way to go? avoid at all costs, more like.

Monday, May 15, 2006

distractions

50+ word rant about the finality of character exits

why the heck they killed off aiden burn, i'll never understand.

the penultimate episode of csi:ny season two, titled "heroes", brought back a much loved character only to say goodbye. i'm only starting to cope with not seeing aiden in the lab, when i find out that she gets murdered. it feels so... final. it just sucks.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

dizzy girl

summer? does it matter?
it happens to the best of us...

so many stuff to blog about, but either you have no time, or you're too lazy, or you just don't know how to do it.

don't be surprised. i'm probably one of those people who can't start writing at the drop of a hat. especially when under pressure. which is why my strama paper is still under construction.

before i got to this sentence i've already corrected two spelling errors, which would be a clue as to how tired and inattentive i am. and why i can't write a good blog entry right now.


so what happened in the last 2 months?

i've been so engrossed in watching csi and csi ny. i'm even starting to like csi miami (wow what a miracle huh). but i've been missing the last couple of episodes on axn. i'm more curious on what's happening in anticipation of the season ender which is showing this week in the us. just reading through all that talk on the numerous mailing lists i'm a part of is making my head spin. so many theories on the clues in the picture (see it from the cbs website). the funny thing is, i've had that picture since start of the season, i didn't know it was going to be such a teaser.

after a few months of lying low and cutting back on my favorite things, i made one of my first significant cd buys just last friday. i don't really care that i had to wait in line for the bus for over 30 minutes, i am just so happy to finally get the cardigans' first album, emmerdale. so now you have a clue on the story behind my alias. it's really pretty straightforward. what made that album stand out in my memory was that it contains one of my favorite cardigans songs, rise and shine. a great alarm tone, if i may say so. hence when i was thinking of a good email name, i thought, wouldn't it make a cool alias... and people have been asking me about it ever since. (by the way, some people really want to know what it means. so if you happen to know swedish or know someone who does, maybe you can tell me if it means something in that language. otherwise i'll keep thinking it's the name of the dog on the album cover. or i could just ask the cardigans.)

work has been piling up, though all of them are the sort that don't have real deadlines... it's like you just make some progress and it's a never-ending thing...

i've not done much on my strama lately. actually, i've not done much of anything lately. life has been a blur these past few weeks. sometimes i get the feeling that i've been bumming, and it's true in one sense. but i've also been so busy in another sense, most of my time is really taken up and everything else usually falls to second place. well, except when i go make takas to see a movie right after work and try to catch the regular bus trip at landmark. it's like i didn't watch a movie at all.

my uncles are here again for vacation. pretty soon we'll probably be seeing a gig or two at 70's or conspiracy. any ideas? we're choosing among bamboo, noel cabangon, joey ayala probably. we need a few more ideas. i suggested urbandub but they're probably not up to it yet.

hay, better log off because i'm leaving early tomorrow. once again it's monday, the worst day to be taking the bus to work.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

grand murder at central station

the downfall of aiden burn
yep, the title of csi: ny episode 2.02 does sound butchered, if you knew that the station is called grand central.

hill harper’s portrayal of the eager trainee is starting to get on my nerves. i miss his laid-back m.e. maybe later hawkes is gonna be more laid back as well, as he gets used to the excitement of being out in the field. we’ll see how it goes.

thankfully danny keeps his shirt tucked this eppy. and i liked stella’s clothes this eppy.

aiden was nowhere to be found, except for the final confrontation scene with mac. so that’s why the aiden fans are suffering from withdrawal. after all that’s happened at the season pilot, it was such an abrupt change to be limited to one aiden sighting.

somebody from another blog (or csi fansite, i forget already) made a comment about mac wearing a suit jacket to the crime scene. it is kinda weird, wearing a jacket out in the summer heat. whatever.

but don flack… i crush him na talaga.

Friday, April 7, 2006

bigger and brighter

yeah... it's really, really late.

after six months of lurking in message groups, i finally got to experience for myself what the fuss is all about. new offices: check. medical examiner turned field mouse: check. mac’s summer look: check. sunnier vibe: check. yep, the new csi: ny is finally here.

just a few things to get off my chest. i think i’m gonna miss the dark bluish tinge of the show. it represents how ny is different from the other csi shows. but i guess changes can be made to keep things interesting, and besides it’s supposed to be summer. so i hope winter will bring the dark shades back. what i don’t like is the cast change. from what i read on the mailing list and the first shots i see of the new girl, i’m getting biased against her. not good. but then i really liked how aiden fit in the team, and i hate to get used to not seeing her anymore. though it was vanessa ferlito’s decision to leave the show, it just doesn’t seem right. whatever.

btw i just loved mac’s shirt. small pastel stripes… nice. more than anything it conveys how relaxed his character is compared to last season. danny looks a little sloppy with the half-tucked shirt. stella doesn’t look as glamorous as i remembered, and i can’t look at aiden at all (oh, the pain). but flack… i almost didn’t recognize him! nice haircut. and he looks sharp, nicer clothes and all, so he looks taller. i can’t believe eddie cahill is only my age. hayyy, i crush him na.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

31 songs

good ideas do not have to be yours
a few days ago i came across a book review, which i did not even read entirely. the book was 31 songs by nick hornby.

since i haven't read the book either, i'll reserve my judgment (and my review) until such time when i have read it.

in the meantime, i am on my own mission: to actually list down those 31 songs or less (or more, maybe in the future) that have changed my life.

that list will not be final. it never will.

Friday, March 24, 2006

would you go?

really bugged about whether to tell that someone how you feel? maybe this is one piece of advice you won't imagine i'll ever tell. maybe.
another one of my finds.

keeping close watch on fanfiction.net does have some rewards. everything i had to say in the matter has already been said, and anything i am yet to say is just a rehash. so once again, i'll let someone else speak for me.

thanks to robyn (fanfic addiction) for allowing me to lift her creation from the ff archives, for being such a good sport, and for being a kindred spirit.

Go For It

Dear Readers,

I think that if you're head over heels for someone and you don't think they'd ever like you, or you're way too shy to tell them how you feel, you're basically slapping life in the face.

If you ever want to be happy you have to take a few chances.

Secondly, so what if it doesn't end well? So what?

Would you rather, honestly, want to be with someone for years and then just give up once you're so sick and tired of feeling incomplete?

What kind of life is that?

And what if, by some unseen force, that person (even though you think nothing will ever happen) likes you too? Maybe even loves you? Maybe loves you so much that they'd do anything to be with you but doesn't feel like they can tell you?

You’d waste years of your life that you could be spending with that person only to find out something could've been that wasn't.

And what if they give up before they get the chance with you? Or what if you give up? What if one of you marries someone else and then you realize years later what could have been? How would you feel?

I know after reading this you'll still be pessimistic and think like I don't want you to think and feel how you probably shouldn't be feeling, but you need to understand that you will never be happy unless you take the risks that could change your life.

If you don't, you will be extremely sorry in the long run. I can promise you that.

All I can say is that if someone has a feeling, any feeling, it's valid and worth hearing.

I know if I was on the receiving end of one of those crushes or whatever you'd like to call them, no matter who it may be, I will not under any circumstances be one of those people who dismiss others and rejects them without considering how they feel.

Any feeling is valid.

I hope reading this wasn't a waste of your time, but I just had to get this off my chest.

Maybe you'll re-evaluate your life and how much happiness means to you.

I know it's hard, I’m not saying it isn't.

But I don't think I could ever live with myself if I didn't allow myself to feel something or say something I should have felt or should have said, but never did.


in case it wasn't clear, this "blog entry" is from the CSI section at fanfiction.net. so supposedly one of the CSI's wrote this. in fanfiction heaven, of course. which one, it's up to you to choose.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

six degrees of separation

the movie marathon, part deux
pride and prejudice (2005)

this book by jane austen was a breakthrough in english literature, with enviable status as a universally acknowledged classic and permeating influence in pop culture. but in spite of its impressive credentials, it became one of my ultra-favorite books simply because of the story.

fast forward 2005: there's a pretty convoluted back story here. the british broadcasting company produced a television mini-series on this book which was shown in 1995. the lead role of mr darcy was played by pre-shakespeare in love colin firth, which caused all of the female british population to fall in love with him. i'm not sure if this mini-series is still playing on lifestyle network, i was just reminded by my friend so i'll have to check it out. a few years later, helen fielding began writing a newspaper column that told the story of a fictional publishing assistant named bridget. one of her love interests is the reserved barrister named mark darcy. in one interview, helen revealed that mark darcy was actually based on colin firth's portrayal of mr darcy, so when bridget jones's diary was made into film, she didn't want anyone else but colin to play mark. now colin and bridget co-star hugh grant starred in another richard curtis screenplay called love actually, along with many other popular british actors. this included hot young actress keira knightley, who now plays the protagonist elizabeth bennet in the 2005 film adaptation of pride and prejudice.

i didn't see this film in the theatre. i actually bought a dvd copy from my friendly office pirata, something i don't do often (honest!), because i was so excited about this movie. i finally watched it when i was on sick leave. it ran 2 hours but then the book really was long-winding, and considering the previous version was a mini-series this is a pretty good abridgement.

in case you're unaware of the story, here it is in a nutshell. elizabeth is the second of five daughters of a not-so-rich family in victorian england. one of the peculiar customs of the time (also a pivotal theme in jane austen's sense and sensibility) is that a family's titles and estate can only be passed down to a male descendant. in absence of a male son, it goes entirely to the nearest male relative. because of this law, none of mr bennet's five daughters will receive any income when mr bennet dies, so the mother is hard pressed to contract advantageous marriages for her daughters so that they (especially the mother) will live comfortably without the bennet estate. enter mr bingley, the new kid in town, nice and genial and moneyed to boot. so mother bennet schemes to get him paired with eldest daughter jane, the beauty of the family. meanwhile, bookworm lizzie had a few verbal tussles with bingley's friend, the older and more remote (but also tons richer) mr darcy. despite all appearances, nothing was settled between jane and bingley, and lizzie discovers afterward that darcy was the culprit. but surprise, surprise! darcy declares love (albeit unwilling) for our heroine, which she did not accept (hello! like, where in hell did that come from?).

a few months later, lizzie went on a sightseeing trip with her favorite aunt and uncle, and they ended up in mr darcy's home town. they inevitably crossed paths with darcy, and lizzie discovered a different side to her erstwhile nemesis. however the idyllic reunion was cut short when lizzie's ditzy sister (in other words, talandi) ran off with a british officer, remotely related to darcy. because of the scandal, the family had to come after the lovers so lizzie had to go home. it was all settled eventually, but lizzie learned later that mr darcy had plenty to do with it -- again, surprise, surprise. is this the straw that broke the camel's back... err, that finally turned lizzie around? it's not that hard to guess how it ended, especially if you know that this is a romance story. extra snaps for guessing who between lizzie and jane got her happy ending first. (whew! nutshell, huh?)

so, besides keira's academy award nomination, what makes this film special? first off, two names: donald sutherland and dame judi dench. i was like, whoa. dame judi's take on lady catherine de bourgh is quite reminiscent of her queen elizabeth I on shakespeare in love (geez, another connection! the british film industry is starting to look like an advert for 6 degrees). except that lady catherine is a selfish snob, so expect a darker portrayal here. meanwhile, i loved donald as the absentminded (spaced out and deadma comes to mind) patriarch. compared to the straight-out snobbish lady catherine or the materialistic and social climbing mrs bennet, his character is actually a complex one: he is a caring father but rather self-absorbed. while he doesn't care much for social niceties, to the endless frustration of his wife, he prefers to leave the parenting to his wife's suspect capabilities. his hands-off policy is partly to blame for some of his girls' mishaps, but he can be roused from apathy when his favorite daughter lizzie is concerned. donald managed to pull off an endearing performance, and he hit on the right amount of humor at the final scene.

i also liked how the movie provided visual narration for the period. most films and tv series set in the regency or victorian period depicted either a rigid formality or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, a brazen wantonness of behavior, which often turns the viewers off. this movie offered a more relaxed and laid-back visual, from the costumes to the furniture. even shakespeare in love, with the ruffled shirts and so much bling, seemed too stiff in comparison. maybe there really is a difference in the era, or the locale, but the setting of pride and prejudice was easier to relate to.

most of all, the movie remained faithful to the material. there are some minor variations, in order to retain its brevity, because jane austen has the tendency to describe in minute detail. some changes were made for more visual impact, but this is minimal. as a concise version of the novel, the movie was a success. in fact, it succeeded in creating more interest to the novel, because it showcased the beauty of the plot that made it a classic. being a fan of the novel, i loved it even more because of the movie. and in that respect, it is a winner in its own right.

last hurrah: the end credits of the film mentioned emma thompson, who actually had a hand in revising the screenplay. a few years back, she won the oscar for her screenplay adaptation of jane austen's second most popular novel (at least in my opinion), sense and sensibility. this is also one of my favorite films, and i could see that the stories were similar which necessitated the similar storytelling. now this is where it gets freaky. the heroine elinor was played by emma, her beau edward by hugh grant, and her future brother-in-law colonel brandon by alan rickman. the three were also directly related in love actually, though this time emma and hugh played siblings while alan was the straying husband. the role of elinor's mother went to gemma jones, who also played bridget jones' mum! and here's more: dame judi dench, colin firth and tom wilkinson were in both shakespeare in love and the importance of being earnest; tom wilkinson played mr dashwood (elinor's father) in sense and sensibility; rosamund pike, who played jane bennet, is the traitorous mi6 agent (and m's pet) on die another day; tom hollander (mr collins on pride) is keira's co-star in the pirates of the carribean sequels; and emma, colin and thomas sangster (the orphaned son in love actually) are all in emma's movie nanny mcphee. if i get all the six-degrees stuff in here (and there’s more, which i’ll spare you from) i'll never get done.

(next: big momma is resurrected)

Saturday, March 11, 2006

pass the popcorn please

three in a week ain't bad
after a few months of acting the social recluse, i managed to see a whopping 3 films in a span of one week. that's what you get when you find you're suddenly free one afternoon, kesehodang state of emergency pa yan.

syriana

as rumors of coup d' etat flourish that friday morning, so did these two magic words: "half day". finally, by virtue of the celebration disguised as rally (or is it the other way around?) on ayala scheduled at 3 pm, my boss finally made the much awaited announcement right after lunch. i was constantly on the phone with an old work colleague that morning, keeping tabs on the situation, and she called me back asking if i wanted to hang out that afternoon. i wasn't much worried about getting stuck at glorietta so we agreed to kill time at the cinema. because of time constraints, we narrowed down our choices to brokeback mountain and syriana -- ruby didn't seem to care for comedy that day.

we got in the theater only a bit late, so the movie was already starting. as it progressed, the confusion only increased. it became apparent that a) there were many stories going on, b) they were connected somewhat, and c) it was not pretty. since we won't understand the whole picture right there and then, we concerned ourselves with the trivial details instead. like, 1) george clooney really looked old; 2) oh, so there's the missing missile; 3) who the hell is that auditor conniving with now?; 4) galeng naman mag-target nung stealth missile.

i was happy when george clooney won the best supporting oscar. it's probably just makeup, but it took a second look for me to recognize him. but more than that, there was no sign of the swagger indicative of his early acting -- if you remember him as doug ross on er, you’ll know what i'm talking about. in that respect, he was bob, not george clooney playing bob. but i gotta tell you, i can't vouch for his acting in the torture scene because i refused to watch it.

in the same way, i also liked matt damon. i always think of him as a young man, like in the talented mr. ripley, so when i see him playing more mature roles i'm always surprised. but he was credible as a married man in this film, so kudos to him.

the story (or stories) is interesting, though a bit difficult to comprehend entirely. it's scary how one company's influence reaches far and wide, with drastic impact on so many people. now i realize that some groups can't be blamed for being suspicious of trade policies and political lobbies, if the effect is this widespread and detrimental. it makes me wonder if the filmmakers are activists or anti-capitalists, because they presented a very unflattering view of uncle sam’s corporate practices and covert government operations. i was left with a better understanding of conspiracy than all the spy movies i've ever seen.

the following week, i read a review of the film and found i wasn't alone in being messed up with the story. however, the review did shed some light on most of the movie. like, why in hell was the film named syriana, when it wasn't set in syria? i guess i missed the part where they explained that bit, or as the review intimated, the information wasn't in there to begin with. so, in other words, this is a film that you can't understand completely on first try. but i'm not really sure if i wanted to see it again, because the bad guys won this time round. much like how it happens in real life.

(next: six degrees below zero, or just how many good british actors are there?)

Tuesday, March 7, 2006

family ties

i was having a bad day and this came out. maybe i just needed to get it out of my system. or maybe i needed to see how petty i am about this.

last month, inaya ko yung lunchmate ko sa office na mag-starbucks sa kabilang building. meron kasi akong coupon noon ng "treat-a-friend to a marshmallow mocha" eh sayang naman kung di ko magagamit di ba? kaya ayun, after namin kainin yung mga baon naming lunch eh lumabas kami para makapag-lakad-lakad naman.

nung nakahanap na kami ng upuan (office building yon kaya mabenta sya pag lunch break), shempre kuwentuhan muna. ewan ko ba pano napunta yung usapan sa mga lakad, basta nagkagulatan na lang kami na halos pareho pala kami ng sitwasyon. yup, bukod sa pareho kaming 27 at never pang nagka-boyfriend (hah kala ko ako lang), nai-ugat namin ito dahil sa ugali ng pamilya namin. yup, pareho kaming ulirang anak na takusa.

hindi ko naman sinasabi na bahay lang kami. hindi naman kami pinagbabawalan talaga lumabas, na parang si rapunzel na nakakulong lang sa tore. tulad nya, me kotse naman sya at ok lang magpagabi sya ng uwi. ako naman, nung dito pa ako nakatira sa manila pinapayagan naman akong magpalipas dito ng friday at sa sabado na lang uuwi. o kaya kung me tatagpuin akong kaibigan after office, ok rin lang. pero sa kabila nito, parang hirap na hirap kami (for lack of a better description) na magpaalam pag me lakad.

kunyari nung high school. isa sa mga tandang-tanda ko noon eh yung para akong nagtatago at nakikipagsapalaran pag kasama ko yung mga kabarkada ko. kahit ginagabi akong umuwi dahil sa glee club, pag inabot ako ng 5.45 na nakikipagkwentuhan lang sa grounds eh kung anu-ano na ang naiisip kong sermon sa kin. ewan ko nga kung bakit nagagawa nung ibang bata non na mag-overnight eh, samantalang ako sobrang kinukonsyensya.

at hindi natapos sa high school yon. lalo na po nung college, para tuloy lagi akong labas sa mga usapan dahil hindi ako basta makagimik. inggit na inggit ako sa mga ka-org ko na sobrang mag-bonding, palibhasa malayo sila sa magulang nila. buti nga pinayagan pa kong mag-org eh. pero nung minsang mag-sem ender kami sa calatagan, may narinig ako later on na na-realize ko hindi pala sila whole-hearted na payag. hah! non ko nga lang ginawa yon eh, me kasama pa nga kaming mga prof at pamilyadong brod at sis. tapos na nga exams ko non, looking forward to summer practicum na. kainis di ba.

maalala ko yang practicum na yan. nong nag-fill out ako ng UPCAT form, tinanong ko yung nanay ko kung ano'ng first choice ko, kung diliman tapos lb, or lb tapos visayas. although nung time na yon, desidido talaga ako na mag-lb kasi desidido na rin ako sa applied math. hindi naman sa pagmamayabang, pero kung pinili ko siguro mag ECE sa diliman noon eh papasa rin pala ang UPG ko. shempre gusto ko rin maniguro di ba, me mga batchmate nga ako nag-visayas ng 1 year tapos tsaka bumalik ng lb. sabi ba naman sakin, wag na daw ako mag-2nd choice! at eto pa, papayagan lang daw nila ako mag-diliman kunyari kung 1-2 sems lang or summer. ayun, nangyari nga practicum lang ako nakaranas mag-boarding house. dun pa sa kaopisina ng nanay ko.

naalala ko yung laging tanong sa kin nung isang bestfriend ko nung di pa kami madalas magkita. pag kinakamusta nya yung lovelife ko at sasabihin kong "ganun pa rin," aba, mega react sha. bakit? wala ka bang nakikilala? wala ba sa opisina nyo? ok ka naman ah, blah blah blah. haaaay, sa totoo lang nakakarindi! e pano ba ako magkaka-love life, opisina-bahay lang ako nun. hindi ako niyayaya gumimik ng mga kaopisina ko dahil mahirap umuwi, malayo. yung mga barkada ko rin, kailangan planado kung kanino ako makikitulog. pano ka naman magiging close sa mga tao nyan, o kaya makakilala ng ibang tao? kaya tuloy nung nag-dorm ako dito sa manila, hanap ako ng hanap ng gimik.

e ngayon. matapos kong mag-enjoy ng tatlong taon dito sa manila, balik na naman ako sa bahay namin. pahirapan na naman. buti nga ngayon 9 na ang last trip sa landmark, at least pwede naman akong mag-dinner man lang. pag nahuli pa rin, antayin ko na yung 10.30 galing sa cubao. pero sa totoo lang, nakakapagod rin yon. at shempre, nakakatakot. kung kasabay ko naman yung tita ko, mamadaliin naman akong umuwi kasi nakikisabay lang ako. kaya nga madalas nagpapaiwan na lang ako kasi nakakasawa rin masermunan pag napag-aantay ko sila.

so ano bang point nito? wala, nagrereklamo lang ako. kung tutuusin, napaka-petty lang naman ng reklamo ko eh. hindi naman talaga tayo nabuhay para gumimik araw-araw di ba. kaya lang shempre, kung ano yung wala sa yo yun ang lagi mong hinahanap. eh ako pa naman, parang sobrang sensitive ako pag pinag-usapan yung pagkakaroon ng barkada. basta maramdaman ko na hindi ako "in", sobrang apektado ako. kaya tuloy pag di ako nakakasama sa mga lakad, or pipiliin ko na lang na huwag sumama, umaabot talaga sa point na masama ang loob ko.

minsan tuloy naiisip ko hanggang kailan ako susunod sa pamilya ko. sa ngayon, me katwiran naman talaga kasi dependent pa rin ako sa kanila. tsaka dahil na rin sa pagmamahal ko sa kanila, hinahayaan ko rin na masunod ko ang gusto nila. lalo na ngayon, ginusto ko rin na umuwi na sa bahay kasi ayoko dumating yung araw na magsisisi ako na hindi ko napagsilbihan yung lola ko. marami na akong naging desisyon na dahil sa pamilya. ganon naman talaga di ba? madalas nga, yung mga simpleng bagay di ko na pinaaabot pa sa kanila. ako na mismo ang nagse-censor ng ano pa ang makakarating sa kanila.

pero sa totoo lang, ang hirap matutong maging independent pag lahat ng tao me pakialam sa yo.

Sunday, March 5, 2006

one minute, kapeng mainit

i'm not taking credit for the following entry... a friend of mine who mass-emails all his friends at least 5 times every morning passed it on to me. if you happen to know the author, i'd be happy to acknowledge him. i've read so many horror stories about intellectual property rights being violated, i don't want to be a party to it.

the reason i'm posting this is because i'm dreadfully apathetic. i can't even write about this subject on my own steam. besides, this piece actually speaks approximately 95% of what i'm feeling, so i'll spare the world 500+ words of garbage.



Open Letter To Our Leaders

Dear Tita Cory, Senators, Congressmen, Businessmen, Media people, Leftists, and all Bleeding Hearts Out There:

I am angry. And I know that there are many out there who are angrier than I am for the same reason. And that reason is simple. I am sick and tired of all you guys claiming to speak for me and many Filipinos. I feel like screaming every time you mouth words about fighting for my freedom and my rights, when you obviously are just thinking about yours. You tell me that the essence of democracy is providing every citizen the right to speak his or her mind and make his or her own informed judgments, but you yourselves do not respect my silence and the choices I and many others have made. In other words, your concept of democracy is limited to having your rights and your freedoms respected, at the expense of ours.

I am utterly flabbergasted that you still do not get it: we already responded to your calls, and our response has been very clear - we chose not to heed your calls to go to EDSA or to Fort Bonifacio not because we do not love our country or our freedoms or our rights, but precisely because we love our country even more. Because quite frankly, we are prepared to lose our freedoms and our rights just to move this country forward. You may think that is not correct, you can tell me all the dire warnings about the evils of authoritarian rule, but quite frankly all we see is your pathetic efforts to prop up your cause. You tell me that you are simply protecting my freedoms and my rights, but who told you to do that? I assure you that when I feel that my rights and my freedoms are at a peril, I will stand up and fight for them myself.

You tell us that GMA is not the right person to lead this country because she has done immoral acts. As someone who sees immorality being committed wantonly in many ways every day and by everyone (yes, including the ones you do), I may have become jaded. But you have not been able to offer me any viable alternative, while GMA has bent over backwards many times to accommodate you while continuing to work hard despite all the obstacles and the brickbats you have thrown her way. From where I sit, she is the one who has been working really hard to move this country forward while all of you have been so busy with one and only one thing: to make sure she does not succeed. So forgive me if I do not want to join you in your moral pissing contest. Forgive me if I have chosen to see things from another perspective. You say she is the problem. I say, we are the problem, more to the point, I think you are a bigger problem than she is. Taking her out may solve part of the problem, but that leaves us with a bigger problem: you. That is right, YOU!

While I felt outraged that she called a Comelec official during the elections and that she may have rigged the elections, I have since then taken the higher moral ground and forgiven her. Yes my dear bishops, I have done what you have told me to do since I was a child, which you say is the Christian and moral thing to do: forgive. Especially since she has asked for forgiveness and has tried to make amends for it. Erap certainly has not apologized and continues to be defiant, continuing to insult us everyday with his protestations. Cory has not apologized for her incompetence but we have forgiven her just the same because like GMA, she has worked hard after all.

I know you do not think that GMA's apology was not enough, or that she was insincere, or that that apology should not be the end of it, but please spare me the hypocrisy of telling me that you do so for the sake of protecting the moral fibre of society. The real reason is because you smell blood and wants to go for the kill.

Well, I have news for you. I do not like her too. I did not even vote for her. I voted for Raul Roco. But as much as I do not like her, I do not like you even more. I may not trust her, but guess what, I do not trust you even more.

You know why? Because all you do is whine and sabotage this country. You belittle every little progress we make, conveniently forgetting that it is not just GMA who has been working so hard to achieve them. Every single day, we keep the faith burning in our hearts that this country will finally pull itself out of the mess and we work so hard to do that. Every little progress is the result of our collective effort, we who toil hard everyday in our jobs. Yet, you persist in one and only thing: making GMA look bad in the eyes of the world and making sure that this country continues to suffer to prove your sorry point. In the process, you continue to destroy what we painstakinly try to built. So please do not be surprised that I do not share your cause. Do not be surprised that we have become contemptuous of your antics. You have moved heaven and earth to destroy her credibility, you have convened all kinds of fora and hearings and all you have done is test our patience to the core. For all your effort, you have only succeeded in dragging us further down. I say enough.

Don't get me wrong. I am not asking that we take immorality lying down, or that we let the President get away with anything illegal. But you have tried to prove your accusations all these time and you have not succeeded, so it is time to let things be. Besides, you are doing something immoral as well if not utterly unforgivable. The Magdalo soldiers are consorting with the communists - the same people who have been trying to kill democracy for years. Cory has been consorting with Erap and the Marcoses.

So please wake up and take a reality check. In the absence of true and genuine moral leadership, many of us have decided to cast our lot with the President, even if we do not like her. A flawed leader is better than scheming power hungry fools who can not even stand up for their convictions in the face of an impending arrest.

Your coup attempts and the denials that you have consequently made only underscore what we think is true: you are spineless and unreliable people whose only defense is to cry suppression when your ruse do not work. You are like bullies who taunt and provoke, but cry oppression when taken to task for your cruelty.

I would have respected you if you took the consequences of your actions like real heroes: calmly and responsibly instead of kicking and screaming and making lame excuses. You say you are willing to die for us, that you do all these things for the country and the Filipino, but you are not even willing to go to jail for us.

Come on, you really think we believe that you did not want to bring down the government when that is the one and only thing you have been trying to do in the last many months?

We love this country and we want peace and progress. Many among us do not give a f*&k who sits at Malacanang because we will work hard and do our share to make things work. If you only do your jobs, the ones that we elected you to do, things would be a lot simpler and easier for every one.

The events during the weekend only proved one thing. You are more dangerous and a serious threat to this country than GMA is. We have seen what you are capable of doing - you are ready to burn this country and reduce everything to ashes just to prove your point. If there is something that we need protection from, it is protection from you.



ps. in case you were wondering, i voted for roco too. though i was almost swayed by eddie v's spin doctors.

Thursday, March 2, 2006

o brother, where art thou?

yeah i'm fadin'
and i call out
no one hears me
never been, never felt, never thought i'd say a word
weighed down
safe now
you're naked inside your fear
you can't take back all those years
the shots in the dark from empty guns
are never heard by anyone

-- goo goo dolls, naked

what's the biggest news to hit the metro this week? no, it's not 1017 (that is sooo last week). it's not the crying marines, either. the biggest hype this week is the revelation made by rustom padilla on national tv. erm, what's so new about that?

much as i am reluctant to admit, i've been watching pbb celebrity for more than a week now. i guess seeing artistas behave like normal human beings holds much more entertainment value than juan (and juana) dela cruz acting like wannabes. and strangely enough, keanna at her worst palengkera mode seemed to me a breath of fresh air from the deluge of cutesy-patootsies seen in shampoo commercials.

going back to rustom. as we all know, rumors about his sexuality have been flying around probably ever since he entered showbiz and worsened after the breakup of his marriage to carmina. nevertheless, i, together with my bored house-bound lola, waited with bated breath as gossip became truth. not that it was a big surprise, especially with all those hints leading up to the actual words of confirmation. i actually think the bigger surprise would be if he did not say those words. so he's gay. so he finally came out. so what?

what struck me more about this whole episode was his struggle. if what he said was accurate, he had been struggling with the idea for almost his whole life. that's so sad -- that there was no one among his own that he felt comfortable enough with to confide in, to ask, even. sad that he felt he had to repress an innate characteristic to belong. how sad that he only learned to accept his nature in a more progressive society, where being gay did not mean being a screaming faggot or a beautician. no matter how many times we watch brokeback mountain or get tickled pink by the fab 5, there is still some social stigma attached to homosexuality, especially in a patriarchal society like ours. its very existence raises several social, psychological, and religious issues that will not be resolved in our lifetime.

i congratulate rustom for taking advantage of a perfect opportunity. not that i'm accusing him for being so calculated about it, but i don't see any other way for him to come out with this much positivity going his way. actually saying the words in public, notwithstanding the contrived setting, must have been a difficult decision to make. i won't pretend to know how much courage it must have taken for him to go through with it.

i also congratulate him for choosing keanna for his confidante. no other female housemate would have done. she who has been the subject of intriga, who told a baldfaced lie on tv and lived, who tells it like it is but has a past that allows her to empathize. her brand of maturity and crassness was the perfect foil, her "may i go out" moment prevented the episode from turning into dramatic farce. she did not give advice, she did not talk him out of it, she only listened and affirmed. best of all, we can all see that she was perfectly comfortable to be at the receiving end. a less mature woman (someone like me, for instance) might have some misgivings or feel discomfort from such a naked confession. or can you just imagine rustom on private conversations with tito boy and his (in)famous salamin. oh the horror!

i commend the producers for milking it for all it's worth... on second thought, that's debateable. but from where i'm standing, it could have been worse: they could have dragged it till friday, they could have shown rustom crying for the whole 30 minutes, or (gasp!) they could have put on the theme from lovingly yours, helen during the climax. there are so many ways it could have been worse, and so many ways it could have been better. right now i can't get past toni in all seriousness channeling mike enriquez. ugh.

i’m not giving up, giving up, not giving up now.
i’m not giving up, giving up, not backing down.
more than fine, more than bent on getting by.
more than fine, more than just ok.

-- switchfoot, more than fine

Saturday, February 18, 2006

save it for later

where does the time go... and what i've been doing with it
hey, hey. seems like i've been setting a pattern for the last two years now. last time, october to february have been lean months with me busy with research and downloading music files from the free net. and it took a couple of messages to jolt me out of my reverie.

so, the same old problems are still there. not much satisfaction in griping about them though. there are new ones too, and new sources of insecurities have cropped up as well. my mood swings have been so volatile over the last few weeks that i've been seriously thinking about getting a shrink (no need to worry, i can't afford one just yet). and the thing is, i'm not the type to blow up for no apparent reason - not anymore - because it never gave me the attention i wanted. i'm more likely to just sulk in the corner and let the tears fall in the silence. but that's another story.

so one cure - albeit temporary - for all ills is escape. not the terminal desperate end that is correlated to cowardice (but who am i to judge?). call me crazy, hopeless, and incredibly tacky, but i've been inhabiting in the notoriously cheesy world of fan fiction. just the thing you'd expect from someone who has a thousand volumes of romance stashed in all the places you can think of.

to tell the truth, this wasn't a recent discovery. i actually discovered this accidentally while discussing the merits of frank hardy over ned nickerson on the nancy drew messageboards. really. i was that passionate about frank hardy. that was a few years ago when i was fresh out of college and had lots of spare time. it so happens that a lot of the other kids were also going for frank, and a few went a step further -- they actually had nancy and frank end up together in fanfiction heaven.

enter 2005 and csi. i was looking around through websites and yahoogroups that can be pretty overwhelming for a csi newbie, and i came across several actively promoting catherine and grissom. to be honest, grissom and sara kind of weirds me out, and i kinda go for long history thing, so there. my gmail inbox is a silent witness to all the catherine-grissom, nick-sara, mac-stella, danny-lindsay/danny-aiden/aiden-flack/danny-flack (oops!) fan fiction that i haven't read. as of last count, there are close to 200 unread emailed chapters on catherine-grissom alone.

that does not include the ones on the fanfiction.net archives. darn. i swear, everytime i go there i'm dizzy with the number of new stories, not to mention new chapters, from all these writers. eliminating the grissom-sara stories were a big help though ;D. but there's also house md, and goody! nancy and frank!

so, don't be surprised if i'm not updating for a while. i'm just a little too critical of my writing right now, when i've seen all these great gems hidden in a sea of mediocrity. and when june cames along, at least you all have reason to say, "i know what you did last summer."