would you go?

really bugged about whether to tell that someone how you feel? maybe this is one piece of advice you won't imagine i'll ever tell. maybe.

another one of my finds.

keeping close watch on fanfiction.net does have some rewards. everything i had to say in the matter has already been said, and anything i am yet to say is just a rehash. so once again, i'll let someone else speak for me.

thanks to robyn (fanfic addiction) for allowing me to lift her creation from the ff archives, for being such a good sport, and for being a kindred spirit.

Go For It

Dear Readers,

I think that if you're head over heels for someone and you don't think they'd ever like you, or you're way too shy to tell them how you feel, you're basically slapping life in the face.

If you ever want to be happy you have to take a few chances.

Secondly, so what if it doesn't end well? So what?

Would you rather, honestly, want to be with someone for years and then just give up once you're so sick and tired of feeling incomplete?

What kind of life is that?

And what if, by some unseen force, that person (even though you think nothing will ever happen) likes you too? Maybe even loves you? Maybe loves you so much that they'd do anything to be with you but doesn't feel like they can tell you?

You’d waste years of your life that you could be spending with that person only to find out something could've been that wasn't.

And what if they give up before they get the chance with you? Or what if you give up? What if one of you marries someone else and then you realize years later what could have been? How would you feel?

I know after reading this you'll still be pessimistic and think like I don't want you to think and feel how you probably shouldn't be feeling, but you need to understand that you will never be happy unless you take the risks that could change your life.

If you don't, you will be extremely sorry in the long run. I can promise you that.

All I can say is that if someone has a feeling, any feeling, it's valid and worth hearing.

I know if I was on the receiving end of one of those crushes or whatever you'd like to call them, no matter who it may be, I will not under any circumstances be one of those people who dismiss others and rejects them without considering how they feel.

Any feeling is valid.

I hope reading this wasn't a waste of your time, but I just had to get this off my chest.

Maybe you'll re-evaluate your life and how much happiness means to you.

I know it's hard, I’m not saying it isn't.

But I don't think I could ever live with myself if I didn't allow myself to feel something or say something I should have felt or should have said, but never did.

---

in case it wasn't clear, this "blog entry" is from the CSI section at fanfiction.net. so supposedly one of the CSI's wrote this. in fanfiction heaven, of course. which one, it's up to you to choose.

save it for later

where does the time go... and what i've been doing with it

hey, hey. seems like i've been setting a pattern for the last two years now. last time, october to february have been lean months with me busy with research and downloading music files from the free net. and it took a couple of messages to jolt me out of my reverie.

so, the same old problems are still there. not much satisfaction in griping about them though. there are new ones too, and new sources of insecurities have cropped up as well. my mood swings have been so volatile over the last few weeks that i've been seriously thinking about getting a shrink (no need to worry, i can't afford one just yet). and the thing is, i'm not the type to blow up for no apparent reason - not anymore - because it never gave me the attention i wanted. i'm more likely to just sulk in the corner and let the tears fall in the silence. but that's another story.

so one cure - albeit temporary - for all ills is escape. not the terminal desperate end that is correlated to cowardice (but who am i to judge?). call me crazy, hopeless, and incredibly tacky, but i've been inhabiting in the notoriously cheesy world of fan fiction. just the thing you'd expect from someone who has a thousand volumes of romance stashed in all the places you can think of.

to tell the truth, this wasn't a recent discovery. i actually discovered this accidentally while discussing the merits of frank hardy over ned nickerson on the nancy drew messageboards. really. i was that passionate about frank hardy. that was a few years ago when i was fresh out of college and had lots of spare time. it so happens that a lot of the other kids were also going for frank, and a few went a step further -- they actually had nancy and frank end up together in fanfiction heaven.

enter 2005 and csi. i was looking around through websites and yahoogroups that can be pretty overwhelming for a csi newbie, and i came across several actively promoting catherine and grissom. to be honest, grissom and sara kind of weirds me out, and i kinda go for long history thing, so there. my gmail inbox is a silent witness to all the catherine-grissom, nick-sara, mac-stella, danny-lindsay/danny-aiden/aiden-flack/danny-flack (oops!) fan fiction that i haven't read. as of last count, there are close to 200 unread emailed chapters on catherine-grissom alone.

that does not include the ones on the fanfiction.net archives. darn. i swear, everytime i go there i'm dizzy with the number of new stories, not to mention new chapters, from all these writers. eliminating the grissom-sara stories were a big help though ;D. but there's also house md, and goody! nancy and frank!

so, don't be surprised if i'm not updating for a while. i'm just a little too critical of my writing right now, when i've seen all these great gems hidden in a sea of mediocrity. and when june cames along, at least you all have reason to say, "i know what you did last summer."

such fluff

10 am. everyone else is preoccupied with work. the diary isn't filled with the stuff to do before the trip tomorrow. it's the twins' birthday today. the excel file onscreen taunts me, daring me to snap out of lethargy. it's there, what i had to do, but thinking about it and how to go about it still confuses me.

anjanette does her final spiel this morning, and segues into the familiar opening licks from jeff buckley. i shift to the open explorer window, trying to stop myself from clicking the saved webpage.

i couldn't resist.

friendship between men and women is one of my pet fascinations. i love delving into the dynamics of intergender relationships, and i'm thankful that i have at least one male best friend. it's one of the reasons i enjoy seeing gary sinise and melina kanakaredes sharing a scene in csi: new york. the evidence of an enduring friendship between mac taylor and stella bonasera is inspiring. gil grissom and catherine willows may lord it over in fanficdom, the moderate popularity of mac and stella is more in tune with their low-key profiles anyway (though stella is definitely more striking).

---

there is good reason why a fanfic is labeled "angst". it shouldn't be approached within ten paces this early in the workday. my eyes prick with the threat of tears while the song in my ear winds down. great. mac is saying his last goodbye to his colleague and friend lying in the casket, at the same time jeff buckley is screaming "it's over."

thank heaven stella is actually alive and kicking ass into season 2. but i have to wonder, is it wise to be caught up in the fictional lives of the new york city police department, the las vegas crime lab, the diagnostics department of princeton-plainsboro teaching hospital? when has staying up until 11 or 12 ever done me good, even with my heart bursting with joy from the temporary escape?

or is life passing me by without me actually living it, except in my head?