how do you know when to quit?

i wish i knew how to quit you (from brokeback mountain)

ever since i started making up my own mind, i didn't really make my decisions; rather, i believe that they were made for me by chance or circumstance. whatever significant thing happened to me came from a choice that was the most logical, or the most obvious.

but for the last year or so, it doesn't seem to work that way anymore. i've been given so many chances that turned out to be duds. i don't know if i never stood a chance, or if they just changed their mind about me. but those close calls never came through.

and now, i've lost trust in fate.

if before i would jump at this chance to save my wits (i am getting rusty and dying of boredom), not to mention have some semblance of career progression, i chose to walk on the safe side. which isn't so safe, either. who knows how long i can pretend to be relevant? or worse, how long can my higher-ups carry the budget strain?

i don't know if i was wrong about not going through with it. here was my ticket to working with people i'd choose to belong to. it would have been a relatively easy way to leave the uncertainty of my field, and leave behind the failed exams and the scant opportunities. not that shifting to a new career is without uncertainty, but this was a safe bet at the very least. and the clincher was that i didn't ask for it, i was given a heads up.

but was i right to give up this chance? to have the time to finally put my paper to rest, and not have to postpone it indefinitely? to retain the flexibility (more like a free ride) that i have right now? guilt isn't such a major factor , and i don't have great illusions of being indispensable. but i crave familiarity, and i'm not so hot about traveling all the time - once or twice a year is enough. and there was a reason i avoided teaching -- i have very little patience.

so once again, i have let things lie as they were. who knows if i'll ever get another chance. well, god only knows.