it don't matter, it's over

i just surpassed the biggest challenge of my life, and i can't find words good enough to describe it.

after years of ranting, worrying, and even crying over my strategic management paper, i finally faced the defense panel yesterday. anyone who's seen me in the last few days know just how worried i was over it. to be more precise, it was a very irrational fear bordering on phobia. not without reason. though. stories about failing defense because of unsatisfactory explanations are part and parcel of every strama student's nightmare. especially mine, because i've always been non-confrontational, i've never felt able to defend my own opinions in real life and the idea that my own graduation depends on this skill is just incomprehensible. and downright scary.

this whole experience probably reinforced my sometimes shaky faith in god. especially with that irrational fear threatening to take over, it was my faith that kept me strong. and passing all those fears and worries to his mercy helped me a lot during the actual presentation. i managed to present an calm facade to my professor, and even chatted with him and my panel (who happened to be previous teachers of mine) while waiting to begin. even when i got stumped occasionally and had to defend several ratings i made (this was the one thing i was specifically afraid of), i found myself going through it without breaking down in hysterical sobs. anyway, obviously i passed. (there, i said it.) and even with the revisions i have to make, i have the license to get on with the rest of my life. finally.

so, many things i want to do. i've already done one, which was get my hair cut much shorter. (it's like a pledge or something with myself. no drastic changes until i'm done with the biggie.) i've also a few meet-ups on the drawing board with friends, movies and theatre to see (mike's been bugging me forever to see the farewell staging of avenue q), and driving lessons to finally get around to. and i swear to finally have a social life, and i mean the dating kind. no more excuses ;)

i don't know yet if i'm qualified for graduation this august (rules and stuff). to be quite honest, i don't care as much as i did before - after everything i had to contend with, i'm just thankful i'm actually at this point and i just wish there'll be no more problems standing in my way. but i still hope i get the chance to march this year, that would be really great.