missing

i miss my best friends, the ones whom i can speak freely with and get annoyed with and be afraid of.  i guess these friends are one-in-a-million, and i shouldn't really try to find substitutes in other people who i want to get close to.  but they're not here anymore, and they're dealing with things that i'm not a part of any longer.

i hate that people don't seem to like me.  it's like i'm in this frame of mind that even if i reach out to other people, they don't seem to care about the things i care about.  some would say that i'd be better off without them, but these naysayers, have they ever felt rejected?

i've always dreaded the day that i'd be left behind.  i don't know what i did wrong, or even if i did do anything wrong.  i'm not even sure that what i felt was real, or if i was just grasping at straws.  but it still hurts.  it still hurts that i still feel so unlovable, and there you go finding someone.  it really really sucks.  even if we really were not meant to be anything at all.  not even friends, it seems.

am i being too demanding?  to expect people to come rescue me from my loneliness without me asking for it?  maybe i am.  but then, who really wants to listen to me anyway?  sometimes i just want to give up social networking because it's just driving home the fact that i'm not really connecting with anyone.  but i'm just too stubborn.  and in a way, i still can't give up hoping.  how pathetic.