i don't know when i got bitter, but love is surely better when it's gone

sometimes i really wonder why i'm still here. it's not as if i know what i'm doing.

i always felt that i wasn't ready to take on the expert role. i don't have much expertise to begin with. the time i could have learned from someone who knows what he's doing -- and knows how to wing it if he didn't -- was cut pitifully short. now i'm left all alone to be the police and the servant at the same time. and come up with magic tricks in between.

maybe i'm ill-equipped smarts-wise. it's like i don't remember anything i learned after theory of interest. i don't even understand the first few pages of the actuarial mathematics reviewer. so how can i even try to discern whether this or that technical paper is the key to solving my ratemaking problem? i don't even know half the theorems they mention.

maybe i have a weak support system. the unfortunate thing about belonging to this industry is that there are few actuarial experts, unlike in the traditional industries that actuaries are involved with. my ex-boss can't help me now, and i don't know who to turn to. and this is actually one of my biggest headaches: there's no one to run to for expert advice.

maybe i'm just lazy, which is my usual problem.

maybe it's just time for me to move on. but the map isn't in my hands just yet.

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despite yesterday starting off the wrong foot -- and me getting up on the wrong side of the bed, almost literally -- i got a pleasant surprise that made my day. i finally met drei in the most unexpected manner -- we were working in the same building! snaps to YM and smart gprs for making it all happen.

song of the week: sade, no ordinary love. i'm digging the urbandub and deftones versions, coz i haven't heard the original yet.

the blog post title comes from tonic's you wanted more.