wide-awake song syndrome

as i hung out in my bedroom trying to catch some zzzzs i was plagued by the mood i found myself in. and out of all the songs i had coming out of my cd player, one reached out its hand and held me by the throat -- and thus i found myself unable to sleep for a spell. hence the title of this piece.

how sad that i had to resort to a song playing over and over in my head to explain the level of sadness that i feel. and the song, in its own context, is not the same as the situation i find myself in. it's as if i was wishing that it had turned out that way, but reality is miles away from it. in fact i'm not sure if it's worth writing about at all. but the fact remains that i am compelled to write it down, to express my sadness as it demands to be expressed. better than saying it face to face to another person who may not understand (or may misunderstand, or worse, understand only too well). because doing that is acknowledging what may not, after all, exist. where only despair does.

while it is possible that a thing can be warranted just by acting as if it does exist, assumption (or presumption, in some cases) can only take you so far. and while a thing can be controlled for as far as you can and as far as you want, it is also true that where one's freedom begins is where another's freedom ends. and in such instances that requires the presence of another, it really is up to both to make something happen.

waited by the phone all day, thinking that you'd call, but you never did. you are different from before, now you've made me insecure like you never did. tell me it's not over now, will you? so i won't be hanging around, and you won't see me crying.

girl, you've got it wrong, you've been thinking all along that i've really changed. love's been knocking at your door, do you hear it? do you really, really care? tell me it's not over now, will you? so i won't be hanging around, and you won't see me crying.

take me into your sweet loving arms. let's make love like we've never done before (like we've never done before). tell me it's not over now, will you? say you love me, say it loud. say you want me, say it now. and you won't see me crying.

-- passage, you won't see me crying

confusion on a leap day

so many songs playing in my mind
but not the ones i could share
so many scenes i've played out
but the chance was just not there
so many words i wanted to say
but my tongue was in knots
so many times i wanted to try
but i was running scared

there is so much inside
that no one had ever seen
now i'm trying to give myself a chance
if only you'd agree
is it worth a shot, i wonder
or would i be let down?
have you asked yourself that question
or better, will you ever ask me?

if this was not to be
why did i have to waste my time
asking all these questions
so my heart could not reply?
is it really my fate
never to fall in love
'cause at this rate i'm going
i probably never will

in trivial pursuit -- the friendtest of knowledge

games really intrigue me. especially mind games. no, i don't mean the ones where adults play at relationships or engage in one-upmanship. i meant board games, trivia games, the dell multi-puzzle books, even the "how green is your mind" portion of the morning brew. so i could hardly wait to get to an internet terminal when joe invited me to his friendtest site.

honestly, i was so blown away by the concept of friendtest that i constructed a quiz of my own soon after. i was curious how much my friends know about me. a lot of them probably know the basics, like which high school i went to or what career path i was following. but more importantly, i wanted to know whether they knew enough to make certain inferences into my personality. besides, i couldn't resist the challenge of tripping people up.

as it turned out, the first quiz i did was too hard, even for my best friend. sad, isn't it? but i do admit that i intended it to be tricky, because i didn't want it to be a giveaway. i mean, there is an obvious answer but sometimes it's not the correct one. so i relented and constructed an easier one, and fortunately my best friend was the runaway winner (so far).

so anyway, i guess i'll wait for more of my friends to take the test, as it's too early to close it yet. maybe afterwards i'll know just how much of myself i've really shared with these people, and i guess i'll take it from there.

http://politicsaside.friendtest.com/

letting go

yesterday was just another day
but too many things reminded me how different it was
and it was obvious how i stuck out like a sore thumb. or did i?
many couples celebrated that day; i didn't, since i am only one, and you come into this somehow
you were supposed to save me from this plight
however, the role didn't suit you
and for the year that i wish it had
i was hoping in vain
this is the end of that year.
i don't want to nurture that hope anymore,
it's not healthy
but maybe even you realize
how hard it is to lose one's feelings
for someone else.
because although the head thinks
the heart still feels
the mind might dictate
but emotions cannot be dictated upon.
so i hope you understand
that although i'll try not to bug you now
i have to remember that i shouldn't.

just when you think it's love...

why is love so vague? so confusing? so abstract? why can't we know what we feel is love unless we convince ourselves of it? there is the dilemma. am i in love because i feel something? or maybe the mind dictates the adjective? and moreso, are the arguments all valid? is the friendship we have enough to go on? you could have shown something that made me stop and think or anything you did would still be misconstrued.

---

questions to ask when you think you're falling in love:

1. love? that fast?
   
2. is love about measuring heartbeats?
   
3. are you really feeling something, or are you just looking for an escape?
   
4. is it your mind or your heart doing the talking?
   
5. are you feeling this way because of something the other person did for you? would you feel the same if that person had nothing at all to do with you?
   
6. corollary: if the other person would react unfavorably, would you still feel the same?

a poem...

a poem can tell you everything
a poem can tell you nothing
i may understand what a poem wants to say
i may understand nothing at all about it
there are poems i read but do not need to understand
because in my heart i know what they say
i might need a poem to tell you how i feel
but maybe i don't need one at all.

bitter pill

people say we can't help it
but i know better, because we can
and even if i can suppress it
i don't want to
because i want what i feel
and who i feel it for
you of all people should know
although you don't feel it in return for me