i need a break

exercise releases endorphins. endorphins make you happy. so how the heck did this happen?

this just came out of nowhere. i woke up early for once, showed up at the gym, had coffee and came to work late (at par with my usual time in when i go to gym). i'm physically present but my mind is wandering. and suddenly i stumbled into that no-man's-land. i am now so depressed.

luckily for me i'm going to attend a seminar out of the office, maybe thinking about something else will get me out of this funk. but if this mood keeps up i'm gonna have to call reinforcements.

last 2 minutes

no one else knows how much work i still have to put into my strama more than i do. it's like my waking hours are all spent thinking about how to finally get it done. still, the little voice in my head can't be gagged. and i still can't resist the words "hang out". ness should how those words can crumble my resolve in a heartbeat.

so, let's try this out. something i learned in the three years i've been back to school. at least those boring lectures weren't completely wasted on me. one of the theories in personnel management has something to do with how you motivate an employee in the workplace. i don't really remember the name or how it goes exactly (and i'll probably be mixing a hodgepodge of theories here), but basically it says that someone can be motivated to do something when he knows the rewards he'll get once that deed is accomplished. sounds pretty intuitive, doesn't it? actually, most behavioral science theories (or any theory for that matter) should be intuitive.

just so i can get it over with. here are the things i plan to do after i finish my strama paper. as in really finished.

1. read lots and lots and lots of books. i have two spanking new agatha christie mysteries sitting in my bookshelf. then there are those e-books i downloaded, and harry potter 2, 3, 4, and now 6.
2. see lots and lots and lots of movies. once a week at the box office, if i can swing it. loads more on dvd and vcd. i've missed a lot of movies these past few months. sigh.
3. hang out and down a couple of beers. i've set a date with my cousin to have drinks after work, i think it was more than a year ago already, and we still haven't done it. now he's already including his brother and sister, that was more than a month ago. and we still have not done it.
4. watch more free gigs. megastrip is always a great place on friday nights, especially when you chance on a free gig. you get to chat with friends at the coffee shop and get to hear great music at no extra cost.
5. study for exams. alas, november and december is actuarial exam season. but it's time to get back on this path, since i've put it on hold three years ago. besides, this seems to be a good time to finally pass those exams, and catch up with those friends who've left me behind. heheheh.
6. go over my clutter. since i'll be closing a chapter in my life, this would be the best time to reorganize the loads of stuff i've accumulated. time to throw out those photocopies and clear out those boxes.
7. back to the treadmill. i haven't gone to the gym regularly for some time, and i've missed my regular badminton schedule with officemates for months. after the paper i have all the time in the world to devote to physical activity. yipee!
8. practice. my friend nex has invited me to join her performance group (she is an actress/theater buff) though i have doubts about my ability to create music. but i really miss playing music with friends, and maybe i'll have to chance to get together with mike and mayen and improve my chops.

only a few more weeks, i hope... and i can't wait!

question everything

talk is cheap. and everyone is taking advantage of the discounts.

i am a fence-sitter by nature. i try not to get in the middle of an argument; i avoid taking sides in public; i am usually careful about making statements because i do not like to be caught flat-footed.

i became aware of politics at a very early age. i couldn't avoid it, however much i wanted to. i was treading on dangerous ground, though we all pretended we weren't. so when i got older i lacked the rebellious (or activist) tendencies of people my age. some people might have thought that a person with a developed social consciousness that i had would have been out there running for student council, or joining cause-oriented organizations. sure i participated in sit-outs, or at no-tuition-hike marches around the campus. otherwise i couldn't care less. and the fact is, the other kids who were like me didn't want to deal with any more politics either.

which brings me to today. these past weeks i have been listening to all that talk on the media about the president. my roommate would whine about her clients getting worried, and we would agree that this sort of thing is actually normal. someone at the office would react at another statement, and would invite comment with her conviction that pgma should resign. all throughout i listened, watched, observed. i would utter non-committal statements, throw out questions, agree on some points. but i don't think i'll ever make a public stand about my opinion. to be honest, the conspiracy surrounding the whole presidency issue is too complex for one to be able to comprehend completely, because we are not god and we are not omniscient. i'll just wait for the events to unfold, because only then can we know where we are headed to.

we'll never feel bad anymore

i only dare imagine.

past midnight. edsa. on your way home. stereo on full volume.

you spent the last few hours with the people who come first in your life -- your best friends. you've been talked out, sleepy, but high on caffeine. you're tired, but you don't want the night to end.

you've run out of excuses, so you head home. cruising on the highway. everything that happened is replayed in your mind. knowing little else gives you this kind of contentment.

it will happen once or twice in your lifetime. thrice if you're lucky.

i don't drive, so i can only imagine. nevertheless, the feeling is hardly made-up.

when you're on a holiday
you can't find the words to say
all the things that come to you
and i wanna feel it too

on an island in the sun
we'll be playing and having fun
and it makes me feel so fine
i can't control my brain

when you're on a golden sea
you don't need no memory
just a place to call your own
as we drift into the zone

on an island in the sun
we'll be playing and having fun
and it makes me feel so fine
i can't control my brain

we'll run away together
we'll spend some time forever
we'll never feel bad anymore

we'll never feel bad anymore

-- weezer, island in the sun

ode to youth

of birthdays and the days in between

october 19th. the eve of my 23rd birthday. we were all there waiting. so many excuses. finally you did come, and you made our day.

december 4th. ces' 20th birthday. we all piled into frank's car, which was still in its original paintwork, and headed to your house to fetch you. your city was a fun place to get lost in, when you're young and with friends you love.

november 20th. two days before frank's 20th birthday. i decided to cut out and run because i can't decide between frank's party and ness's party. so while i was wearing out my feet in hongkong, you were having a blast at the mall and frank's house.

one day in june. i'm sure it wasn't on the day of your 20th birthday. we spent a whole day at your house, met your parents and siblings, conducted some semblance of a workshop, and headed to the theater to see the controversial rosanna roces movie.

november 22nd. frank's 23rd birthday. you might say everyone who was anyone was there, except the one who i would've expected to be there. where were you? i didn't find out until much later.

december 8th. four days after ces celebrated her 23rd. i was worried about what my folks would say about getting home late, but it didn't matter. it was the last time i would see you, and you didn't even know it.

june 17th. you would have been 27 today. sometimes i wonder if our ties would be much stronger if we were given a chance to build them. maybe it's just our fate to have a few bittersweet memories to share. maybe we needed to wake up and stop being complacent. life is too short to waste wishing for something better.

can we still be friends?

dear sir: i know you. you are the bane of my existence. you come into my life, once in a while, when i least expect it. or i can see you coming, but i say, "bring it on!" sometimes you don't call my bluff, but sometimes you do. and now that you have, i want to get rid of you. you've proven your mettle. you can not be commanded like a common soldier. i am your slave. i am at your mercy. so there. yours, etc.

dear miss: i am not out to prove anything. i just am. so please drink your gallons of water and dope up with vitamin c. maybe in a week's time you'll be ok. but that i cannot promise, nor can i decide. i just am. sincerely, mr. cold virus.

---

it amazes me sometimes how i got myself surrounded by a motley group of friends. people are supposed to be different from one another, but the whole point of having friends is that we get connected by a common interest. apart from that, even my closest buddies are much, much different from me. i could count off all the ways my best friends are distinct from me and even among themselves, but it will take me the whole night. is that also the reason why we stick to them? because we live vicariously through other people? when we aren't capable of being something, we have someone who can do it for us. i don't know about the others, but that's what i do. because living my own life, while not exactly the worst lot in the world, can be pretty boring after 5 minutes.

---

mandy moore isn't my favorite singer in the world, and she's not in the same league as, say, nicole kidman in the acting department. but i was impressed with her gamble of a third album, a collection of rare covers (aptly titled coverage). this entry's title is one of the reasons i was so into this album. she also does a mean cover of joe jackson's breaking us in two, while lei swears by cat steven's moonshadow. or was it senses working overtime?

you are what you wear

how ominous can a shirt be?

early this afternoon i was watching the tube for sightings of hale. the band performed broken sonnet live on a.s.a.p. and right after, i saw the vid of the day you said goodnight at myx. then i saw parokya ni edgar's plug for their celebrity vj slot, specifically the opm myx (i think) slot this coming week. darius was chosen to be the spokesperson for this spot. after watching the ad several times i finally noticed some of the details, and one surprised me a heck of a lot. darius was wearing a dubista shirt!

a few minutes later, i chanced upon mtv siesta hosted by this guy called john joe. his guests on the show is a hindu-esque act so i got a little confused whether this was really an mtv pilipinas segment. and then i saw it again. john joe has on a blue shirt with the word urbandub in yellow. the same one darius was wearing. what the...?

unable to come to terms with my envy, i told mike all about it. and guess what? he also has his own dubista shirt, given by his colleague who was singularly responsible for making us fans of this band. d-oh!

one day i'll get my own dubista shirt, count on it. just you wait.

---

along with hale i also saw parokya perform at asap with andrew e. i guessed right away that they were going to do okatokat/humanap ka ng panget, which they had performed with great success in the inuman sessions gig. this one could have been good, too, if not for 1) lack of rehearsal time with andrew e (they were losing each other in parts), and 2) carlos agassi. enough said.

get to know me

when a person doesn't understand what's really inside him, self-help guides are manna from heaven.

got this one by email, heaven knows how they come up with this fluff. but i say, "what the heck?" and delve into my inner chaos. explain away...

Get a shock when you read about yourself. (read the whole thing)
IF you were born on the :
1st, 10th, 19th, 28th of any month you are number 1.
2nd, 11th, 20th, 29th of any month then you are number 2.
3rd, 12th, 21st, 30th of any month then you are number 3.
4th, 13th, 22nd, 31st of any month then you are Number 4.
5th, 14th, 23rd of any month then you are number 5.
6th, 15th, 24th of any month then you are number 6.
7th, 16th, 25th of any month then you are number 7.
8th, 17th, 26th of any month then you are number 8.
9th, 18th, 27th of any month then you are number 9.
...
Number 2
No matter what, every one will love you because you are ruled by the Moon. You day dream a lot, you have a very low-self esteem, you need to have a back up for every move in your life, you are very unpredictable. You tend to change according to time and circumstances, selfish, have a very strong sense of musical and artistic talent and powerful verbal communication. You can be sweet as an angel and can be ruthless when double-crossed. Some might say you have a sixth sense. You will become a poet, writer, an artist or a businessperson. You are not strong in love, so your relationship will be in disarray until you settle down. If you are a girl, you will be responsible for your family. If you are a man, you tend to get involve in fights & arguments in the family. You will sacrifice your life for your family. You are gentle, intuitive with a broad vision. You make a well-balanced person. Your best match is 2, 7, 5, and 9 no other people can put up with you!!!

okay, let's take this one by one.

• really, everyone loves me? i find it hard to believe. i would think i'm the person that most people wouldn't care two figs about, until they really get to know me.
• yes, i daydream a lot. like, all the time. i'm living outside my life, if you get what i mean.
• oh, i so have low self-esteem. isn't it obvious, or have you not been reading the last two bullets?
• i am a mathematician by nature, and a finance person at that. conservatives. go figure. (pun not intended.)
• unpredictable? you tell me. on second thought, i guess i am inconsistent. it depends on so many factors that i don't care to control. i am reactive.
• selfish? oh, definitely.
• musical talent is the one gift i have not been giving the time of day. maybe because of bullet 3 and 5. as for art, i just like looking at nice pictures.
• if writing a blog is verbal communication, my friends tell me i'm good at it. it's true (that they told me), promise. however, public speaking and presentation is another matter.
• yeah, i'm sweet i guess. i like making people feel good, if i'm not in a contrary mood that is. but when i'm crossed, i'm such a chicken.
• my mom told me once that i have very good intuition. she said that the things i take for granted as products of an over-active imagination are really indications of sharp observation and some super-natural sensitivity. as for me, i just don't want to be too disappointed when things don't turn out the way i think they are, so i tend to ignore them.
• no, i am not a poet, a writer, an artist, or a businessperson. i am a bum. who happens to have found employment.
• so i'll have a love life when i finally settle down? how queer is that? it's like a loveless marriage then love just barges in, like in the romance novels i love to read. duh.
• one of the private jokes in my family is that i'll have to take care of my parents and my mom's three unmarried siblings when they get old. scary.
• gentle, intuitive, broad vision? whatever.
• well-balanced person? hah.

about yourself

Get a shock when you read about yourself.

IF you were born on the :

1st, 10th, 19th, 28th of any month you are number 1.

2nd, 11th, 20th, 29th of any month then you are number 2.

3rd, 12th, 21st, 30th of any month then you are number 3.

4th, 13th, 22nd, 31st of any month then you are Number 4.

5th, 14th, 23rd of any month then you are number 5.

6th, 15th, 24th of any month then you are number 6.

7th, 16th, 25th of any month then you are number 7.

8th, 17th, 26th of any month then you are number 8.

9th, 18th, 27th of any month then you are number 9.

Number 1

You are smart, a straight talker, funny, stubborn, hardworking, honest, jealous on a competitive basis, kind hearted, temperamental, friendly, and popular. You always want to be on the top and most likely to be independent. You are most likely to fall in love at a young age, but will marry once you mature! You are likely to have problems with people who have opposite views and you are most likely to take revenge over your enemies in a long time basis. You are a spender, but you will have a good profession in the future. If you are guy you will be very popular. You can go anywhere from the local shop to the heart of the parliament because you are positive and talented in numerous areas. But in your life you will always have some people who will work hard to bring you & your name down. Because of your intelligence, some might hate you. You are a pioneer, independent & original your best match is 4,6,8 while a good match would be with 3,5,7

Number 2

No matter what, every one will love you because you are ruled by the Moon. You day dream a lot, you have a very low-self esteem, you need to have a back up for every move in your life, you are very unpredictable. You tend to change according to time and circumstances, selfish, have a very strong sense of musical and artistic talent and powerful verbal communication. You can be sweet as an angel and can be ruthless when double-crossed. Some might say you have a sixth sense. You will become a poet, writer, an artist or a businessperson. You are not strong in love, so your relationship will be in disarray until you settle down. If you are a girl, you will be responsible for your family. If you are a man, you tend to get involve in fights & arguments in the family. You will sacrifice your life for your family. You are gentle, intuitive with a broad vision. You make a well-balanced person. Your best match is 2, 7, 5, and 9 no other people can put up with you!!!

Number 3

You are hardhearted and selfish most of the time. You always tend to have lots of problems within your family in the early stages but you will be able to cope with everything. You seem to have your way in everything. And from birth you would always have to work hard to achieve anything you want. You always make a point to set examples on others, especially the younger ones. Generally you are not a cool person. It's not easy dealing with you. A tough player you are! But once you are comfortable with someone, it will be a lasting friendship. You always earn respect from others. Your Ilk seems to have lots of worries and problems but they won't be for long. You will have brilliant kids! You love money a bit too much so temptation will push you to try endlessly. You will look after your family and help friends, so you will spend a life time just being generous and kind (except for men born on the 21st). You love your freedom, creative and ambitious, a person who brings beauty, hope & joy to this world!!! Your best match 6 and 9. Good match 1, 3, and 5

Number 4

You are very stubborn, very hard working but unlucky in important matters in life, very cool and helpful. You might repel people away from you, you may cause nuisance to others if you area man, as you gifted are with understanding other people's problems. If you are a girl, you excel in your studies and arts. If you are a guy you spend most of your time with girl friends and you tend to have too much fun with your mates & girls. Your friends will spend your time & money and get on with their life and you will be left empty handed. So be careful! You love to spend. Your positive side is that you are always around to help family and friends. You always fall in love with those younger than you. You often live with disappointments but you will take good care of your family. You need to be careful of people who will take advantage of your kind heart. And beware of your relationships too. You are radical, patient, persistent, and a hit old-fashioned; you live with foundation & order. Your best match 1, 8. Good match 5, 6, and 7

Number 5

You are very popular and you can get things done only by talking. Even to your enemies! You are business-minded and like to do things spontaneously. You will be famous if you get involved in any business. Your friends and families will always ask for your help, and you are the one actually with the money to help your friends. You will have more than one relationship, but when you settle down you tend to be selfish. You tend to go for other relationships - even if you are married at times because of your popularity. You tend to get along easily with anyone because the numbers is a middle number. You love freedom and changes. You learn your life through your personal experiences. Your best match 1, 2, Good match 6, 8.

Number 6

Ooopppss.. you were born to enjoy! You don't care about others. I mean you always wanted to have a lifetime of enjoyment. You will excel in either education or business management! You are talented, kind (but with only people who you think are nice), and popular. All good things come easily to you. Your mind and body is just made perfect for love. You are loveable by any number. But if you are a number 6 men, you will be involved in more than a few relationships until you get married. If you are a girl, most of you will get married/engaged early. You are a caring person towards your family and friends. You are a person of compassion, comfort & fairness, domestic responsibility, good judgment, and after all you can heal this world's wounds to make peace for everyone because you have the great power and caring talent to take the world of love one step further.. Your best match 7, 6, and 9. Good match 4, 5

Number 7

You are realistic, confident, happy, and talented in education, music, art, singing, and most importantly in acting. You also have a bad temper! You value your family status a lot; you will be in the top rank when you reach a certain age. If you are a guy you are popular with girls. Most of the number 7s face lots of problems with their married life. Only a few are happy. You have everything in your life but with worries throughout your lifetime. You need to get ready looking for a partner rather than waiting. If you don't, then you might end-up being single. You are born to contribute to everyone's joy. Your best match is 2. Good matches are 1,4

Number 8

You have a very strong personality and people will find it hard to understand you. You are more likely to suffer in your younger years. You might be also the one responsible to look out for your family. You often suffer all the way through life. You will learn life in a very practical way. You are the one who will fight for justice and may even die in the war too. You are normally very reserved with a handful of friends and most of the time, live life alone and always prepared to help others. However, once you settle down, (which is often late), then your had lucks will disappear. You will face unexpected problems such as encountering poisonous animals, and accidents. You are highly- disciplined, persistence, and courageous, and it is your strength that will take you to success. You are a great part of a family team. You are a fighter! Your Best match 1. 4, and 8. Good match 5

Number 9

You guys are the most incompatible people in the world. You are so strong, physically and mentally. You often have big-aims. You will work hard and will think it's still hard to get there, even if you already have gotten there! Normally you suffer in the early age from family problems and generally you will have to fight in life. You are respected by others. You were however very naughty in your childhood, and often got beaten up by your parents and had been involved in fights and you seemed to have suffered lots of injuries. But when you grow older you become calm and will fall into the quiet and dignified macho type. Love is not an easy matter for you. You are however good in engineering or banking jobs because people always trust you. Your family life is very good, but you will always worry over your children. Your finer qualities are that you are humanitarian, patient, very wise & compassionate. You are born to achieve targets and serve every one equally without any prejudice. You are a role model for everyone. Your best match 3, 5,6, and 9. Good match 2

---

just chillin

saturday night is party night. but for now, it's all in my head.

i've been taking full advantage of my gprs connection and vegetating in front of my pc for, like, hours. really can't get enough of internet. i'm so addicted.

i'm also addicted to my windows media player. version ten. my officemates swear by apple's i tunes, maybe i'll take their advice when i get my own mac. for now, wmp is just fine, and i've gotten so used to it.

and when you're surfing, great background music guarantees hours and hours of virtual entertainment. over the last few weeks i've been so fixated on mp3 downloading, i even tried to trade links a couple of times. here are the choice tracks i've been keeping in my playlist tonight:

garbage -- bleed like me (album)
garbage -- special
plumb -- stranded
jennifer paige -- stranded (plumb cover)
lemonheads -- into your arms
lemonheads -- it's about time
everything but the girl -- my house is in my head unless it rains
everything but the girl -- cross my heart
everything but the girl -- rollercoaster
the cardigans -- rise and shine
the cardigans -- carnival (including acoustic version)
barenaked ladies -- call and answer
foo fighters -- big me
jimmy eat world -- last christmas

---

last night i watched mr. & mrs. smith with a bunch of friends. it's a good movie, flawed in parts, and very entertaining. though i found that i got tired after watching. all that action i suppose. or maybe my legs got tense because my handbag was too heavy and most of the time it was on my lap. grrrrr.

---

gee, i wonder how much my cellphone bill is now? don't think i wanna know.

the stars and the signs

the castle meets the big top (and a carful of clowns)

my friendster horoscope for today:

Today's Forecast

You're the ringleader, so round up the lion-tamer, the carful of clowns and the randoms in the spangled suits, and get this circus under way. Think big under your own personal big top.

The Bottom Line

You've got high hopes, and that's what counts. Examine how to make those big plans come to fruition.

In Detail

Go ahead and build some castles in the air. With the way things are going, those castles will have
solid foundations and a bed in every tower before long. The stars give you the thumbs-up on any long term plans you are brewing up in that head of yours right now, so don't be afraid to dream -- and dream big. Why stop at a few turrets on your castle? Why not add a three-barge moat and some errant knights riding around the place?

horoscopes are not the end-all and be-all of my usually uneventful life. but i love reading them and coming up with stuff that match what they tell. this one is singularly good (and funny). i wonder how my day matches up to the promise? don't think i'll consciously take on the role of ringleader, though i feel i usually do.

... i especially loved the phrase "carful of clowns". makes me think of a brightly painted vwbug (aka kotseng kuba). philosophically speaking, aren't we all clowns in this life?

---

damn i'm so goofy today, i forgot to include this joint horoscope with a friend of mine:

In this world, things evolve or they become obsolete, and that goes double for relationships. So if it seems like your friendship is changing shape in ways both obvious and not-so-obvious, don't freak out. Most importantly, don't try to pretend that those changes aren't occurring -- there's nothing more damaging than living in the past. Take a moment to see the situation as it really is, unclouded by your emotions, hopes and fears. Things usually change for the better -- when you let them. Remember that.

staying alive (the morning after)

what happens when you pull an all-nighter, with none of the results you were aiming for to begin with.

it's back to reality.

i got to work late again, for the second straight day. though the guard here at the office offers consolation whenever i complain ("ma'am, officer ka naman eh"), i really dislike being late for work. i do try to compensate by staying the whole nine hours, but it's a bit hypocritical when it was my fault in the first place.

---

so i stayed up until 3 this morning. big deal. the other night i fell asleep waiting for my roommate to finish with the bathroom, so obviously i accomplished nothing. last night i managed to tweak what little i have of my paper, but i got preoccupied with backing up my mobile phones. however, my biggest accomplishment was not my paper, but finally getting internet access through gprs. yippee! i can now check email, friendster, and my blog at my convenience anytime and anywhere through my underutilized globe plan, using my laptop. no need to be limited by the library hours at agsb, though i would still love to go there because of the connection speed. and i wouldn't be at the mercy of the sky-high hourly rates at my neighborhood 24-hour internet cafe. plus, i would be spared from endless scrolling when i use my phone gprs. i am so happy, i can almost imitate tom cruise on oprah. almost.

this is one instance when a bunch of bad decisions work out after all.

---

i started late last night because i met up with roge and ness at galleria earlier. i felt a bit guilty about not putting my strama first in my life, but when did i ever? so i decided i might as well go, and to paraphrase stephen covey, i also wanted to invest in my emotional bank account especially with roge. (or did i just feel coerced? just kidding, roge!) we had a great time window shopping, eating at chef d'angelo and chatting over coffee at starbucks. we were reluctant to end the night, but it's a workday and reality should be faced eventually.

---

i'm in lss (last song syndrome) mode again, and my song of the moment is stranded by plumb. but what i want to hear now is the jennifer paige version, which is the first i heard of the song. of course i'd prefer to get an mp3 copy (hint, hint) but for now i'll try to bug the guys over at klite... anyway that's where i heard this song in the first place.

i'm crashing like a tidal wave

you know it only breaks my heart
to see you standing in the dark alone
waiting there for me to come back
i'm too afraid to show

if it's coming over you
like it's coming over me
i'm crashing like a tidal wave
that drags me out to sea
and i wanna be with you
and you wanna be with me
i'm crashing like a tidal wave
and i don't wanna be
stranded

i can only take so much
these tears are turning me to rust
i know you're waiting there for me to come back
i'm too afraid to show

if it's coming over you
like it's coming over me
i'm crashing like a tidal wave
that drags me out to sea
and i wanna be with you
and you wanna be with me
i'm crashing like a tidal wave
and i don't wanna be
stranded

i miss you, i need you
without you, i'm stranded
i love you so come back
i'm not afraid to show

if it's coming over you
like it's coming over me
i'm crashing like a tidal wave
that drags me out to sea
and i wanna be with you
and you wanna be with me
i'm crashing like a tidal wave
and i don't wanna be
stranded

oh baby i miss you
oh baby i need you
oh baby i love you
so baby come back

-- plumb, stranded

huwag mo nang itanong

date: 09 june 2005 (thursday). time: 2.50 a.m. what the heck am i doing staying up till the wee hours?

---

finally! i've got my internet over gprs working! thanks to a few hours tinkering with my 3230, pc suite 6.5 and my trusty laptop (which would have been better used editing my strama background -- sheesh!), i am now on my way to internet freedom! can't forget my new mobile phone plan... ooops! the smart gprs configured in my office mobile (a 6600, so technically unreliable) wouldn't work. for that matter, gprs over bluetooth wouldn't work. so i relied on my globe connection and my data cable, incidentally from my aunt's 7610 (tenkyu ene!).

so after that techie outburst, i just meant that i'm doing this in the safety of my room and not in my suking internet cafe at makati ave. now i have proven that globe does make great things possible. and i won't be hankering for a blackberry in the near future.

---

i've been trying to make some headway for my paper, which is why i'm still up. but heaven knows, that's not why i managed to stay awake. pretty soon i'll have to go back to my open word documents, and my radio station will eventually lose its appeal as the hour hand approaches 6. the wisdom of staying up late has been debated over and over in my head, especially in the aftermath. but even if this is the worst time to get an insomnia hangover, *you gotta do what you gotta do*.

---

guess i have to thank the dj for at least playing great songs, like this eraserheads track from cutterpillow.

i refuse to fall in love

I refuse to fall in love again. I understand the overwhelming reaction it provokes on anyone it touches, which only reminds me that situations of intense hatred are not all that far removed from intense love. They are strong, driving and powerful – which makes them dangerous.

Don’t get me wrong I have nothing against love. My cynicism has not been totally hacked away, but chipped chunks of it permit some glimmer of light to shine through. Love is beautiful… love is sublime. Love is the greatest inexplicable feeling of all. All too true, but perhaps, meant only for other people. Not I. Not just yet anyway.

It isn’t that I’m obtuse, as much as I know that love can make people do things they wouldn’t normally do. Love has a way of taking you out of yourself and making you dedicate yourself to another, who may or may not respond in kind. Love is also a very disruptive experience. All your life you walk alone then all of the sudden somebody comes along and shakes all that. All this is what I find formidable - the power of the unknown. I have not been unloved, and I am not a total stranger to the feeling. I know how it feels to fall in love – the exultant euphoria of coming across a special stranger who touches something deep within you. Perhaps that is what I fear – to lose control to another human being like that, knowing all too well how fallible human beings are despite love; it is an unsettling prospect at best. Whenever I feel the pangs of stirring affection, the full of heady attraction, of the aching pain of missing someone of whom I am very fond of, it is not long before I stop myself and hold back, creating a safe distance, an impasse from which I can view this intruder with a cool, detached critical eye, not driven and blinded by wild, unreliable passion. I will myself to drift away – “I can live without this person” is what I often tell myself – in order to prevent the other from overwhelming me. Because I know that when I fall – I fall hard. And, if I fall again – I’ll fall harder. Which only make me hold back all the more. That is, keep everything to myself… silently.

Is it selfish to relinquish the “I” for an unassured “WE”? Perhaps, but when it has taken too long to find that “I”, one cannot entirely put to task for wanting to cherish the treasure of self longer than usual. At this point, I cannot gamble myself the self I sought for so long for the promise of a “YOU” and “I”; what guarantee is there that the other will not simply take my heart and stomp on it? Love gives no guarantee, and trust that is needed to bridge this uncertainty is perhaps what gives love its luster. But I have never been one easily given to trust, and therefore taking the leap into love is not an easy decision to make for me. Others plunge in with nary a second thought. They are not I.

Perhaps this primal insecurity only speaks of immaturity, and hence the inability to love, truly love. For mature or being in-love is one that does not seek fulfillment in the other, nor dependence, but rather, the mutual understanding and exchange of love connecting only to themselves.

Then, maybe then… when I am ready and bold enough to risk my heart again in asking the same promise which brought me to grief… IT COULD BE THE LAST.

---

i forwarded this essay (author unknown -- i don't even remember how i got it) to a friend of mine, at a time when we were both dealing with questions and heartache. everyone must have gone through the same thing when falling in love -- the denial, pain, anguish, and finally, hope. when you think of it, this falling-in-love business should already go smoothly, with the wealth of experience since the beginning of time that can be used for reference. it should go like clockwork, and processes should have been defined (imagine falling in love documented in an ISO manual). but the differences that make us into individual beings are a big factor, and each distinct experience become vastly different from others just because the person is different.

novices find it hard to take the plunge, because of fear of the unknown. but people with experience are wary of getting hurt as well, because they have been hurt before. or if not, they want the real thing next time, and are scared to risk time and effort for something that might not be worth it.

so, now what?

words of wisdom, part 2

from hiram:
love is something that is offered to you and for you to accept. if it is swept away by the wind it may never come back to you... it will be caught by someone else. you only realize the value of it when it's lost.

from gabby:
in this world, we can never have everything we want. so let's be happy with what we have as of now.

from me:
pride goeth before the fall.

from me, again:
a declaration of love does not a relationship make.

from the devil on my right shoulder:
stop blabbing such nonsense. get on with your life already.

when i meet my match

i visited batjay's blog today, just for the heck of it. i don't think i'll ever get to read all the posts he's ever written since he started. but even if my neck is painful from stiffness, i can't seem to get enough of him. he and his wife jet are very, very good. mike says he and his honey read their blogs often. but that isn't what this post is about.

one of batjay's posts has this title, which happens to be one of the classic lines from when harry met sally:

when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

i wish the rest of my life would start right now.

tunnel vision

i found out today that it was the birthday of a favorite officemate. i like her a lot because there aren't many people around that i feel i'm on the same plane with, even if we are different in many aspects. we're the same age, we have similar taste in music and books, we're both on the other side of the kikay meter... we even go to the same gym (though not at the same time). when you meet that kind of person, especially in the office where most people are too different from you, it can feel like going back to those care free days.

it was a bit coincidental that she's in my mind a lot these days, because she just lent me her copy of harry potter and the order of the phoenix. i've wanted to read the series for a long time but i only got as far as book one and book two (which i saw on tv). now i'm so attached to the book that i bring it everywhere. i had to stop myself from reading it during work hours! that's the way i am when i'm fixated on a book. a good book is my waterloo. i can never rest until i finish it. even to the extent of staying up the whole night just to get to the end.

i can just imagine what i'm gonna do once i get home. i'll be chatting with my housemates for a bit, maybe finish off my macaroni salad. get dressed in my jammies and turn up the radio. i'm set for my marathon reading night.

(huh? strama? what strama?)

blowing hot and cold

the weather of the last few weeks has been so inconsistent, to the point of being predictable. hot, hot days and nights sprinkled with pockets of thunderstorms (large raindrops and all). looking out the window, you wouldn't know that the atmosphere was the extreme opposite only a few minutes ago.

---

i tried to think of reasons why i love summer. it would have been better if i had been in college, even high school, when summer meant long vacation. idle days in front of the tv or pc. nights spent reading in bed until the wee hours. nowadays it just meant having rain-free weather for weeks. i'm not big on going to beaches, so it doesn't really matter. but i do love an opportunity to wear my shades for long periods of time.

---

this summer, however, has been bordering on hellish. i don't mind a warmer-than-usual climate, but this year i can't help being reminded by the blast of heat on my face. every time i complained i keep thinking that i never complained before. or if i did, it was merely to commisserate. this time it was for real.

---

i wasn't much happier with the rain, though. bracing yourself for both the heat and the cold is a bit confusing. just this morning i felt silly waking up in the bus wearing my beloved pair of dark sunglasses while the rain was pouring outside. and merely an hour ago the early morning sun promised blinding light.

---

the soft patter of rain in the wee hours is my favorite companion. whether engrossed in a book (romance novels are best) or pouring my heart out through free verse and prose, rain seems to lend a different persepective. wallowing in loneliness and despair is never more effective.

---

strange how odd we think of brits because of their preoccupation with the weather. they may have stumbled on something there that we remain ignorant of.

dilemmas

how do you know if you matter to someone?

i asked this question a long time ago because i never knew if my instincts were right, or if it was just wishful thinking.

it was naive of me to think that love (or any form of it) is just black or white. even if i didn't like it, gray is such a big part of it. such that anything and everything can be subject to a million and one interpretations. anything we do can go one way or the other. it is hard to discern whether something really holds meaning or if it was just an empty phrase.

how do we move when we're going on nothing? nothing is crystal clear, everything is a muddle.

ignorance is bliss. it allows for the illusion that everything is perfect. but when the questions come, they remained unanswered. it won't keep you warm at night.

laying down all the cards entails a lot of risk. especially if someone is doing it for the first time. there is a fear of rejection and humilitation, and not going back to the way it was.

what middle ground can there be? minds are not on the same plane all the time. just when do you know if you've done too much or too little? who can tell it anyway?

in the first place, why can't we just come out and say what we want to say? why don't we go after what we want? why are we afraid of repercussions? expectations, disillusionment, are these really our responsibility?
all these questions and no answers. i've never had so many in my life, at a time when i needed them the least.

rip offs

Which Band Should You Be In? by couplandesque
Your Name
Band Name	Sum 41
Role	Bassist
Trademark	Emo Poster Child
Love Interest	The Guitarist
Quiz created with MemeGen!

---

how appropriate! i'm a bassist (primarily). i could be an emo poster child. but i would have wanted to be in radiohead. well, you can't have everything.

thanks alicia!

here comes the rain again

i should be home right now. but i'm stuck at the office. it's raining and i don't have an umbrella. i need one if i'm gonna walk home, which is what i usually do. taking a cab would be too pricey, and taking several jeepney rides would also mean a bit of walking.

what use are umbrellas when you leave them at your house. all of them.

amplified heart

i really wonder how love can feed on nothing.

the last pocketbook i finished describes a woman who has been in love with her boss' nephew, ever since she met him. like, it was a decade ago, when she was still a teenager. heaven knows, he didn't give any encouragement. but no, she can't seem to forget him, until she was forced to when he got engaged to another woman. well, the story ended happily ever after, as expected. but you have to wonder how on earth she was spared from a wake-up call.

not everybody's story has a happy ending. most of the time we're caught in the middle. and in the midst of all that we swing from optimism to despair and back in a matter of seconds. just because of something that shouldn't even matter.

and i'm reading more into your words than you have put into them,
and that's my problem, but you tied these knots, now you undo them.
you undo them.
oh and think before you speak my darling.

-- everything but the girl, troubled mind

what does love feed on anyway? how does it survive self-doubt and paranoia? it endures, even if starved of attention. it draws its lifeblood from air; it conjures magic out of mayhem. and though logic points to an obvious conclusion, it insists otherwise.

i still haven't got over it even now.
i want to spend huge amounds of time in my room.
and i'm not coming out until i feel ready,
not running out while my heart's unsteady,
and i'm not really in your head.
i'm not really in your head.

-- everything but the girl, rollercoaster

still, you wonder. despite everything that points in the other direction, you still feel the pull. in spite of your conservative instincts, self-preservation can go to hell. you come out confused, because all that you have been taught and all that you are is being challenged.

what is it that i think i need?
is there love in me that wants to be freed?
or is it selfishness and ego
we carry with us everywhere that we go?

this feeling that life's incomplete
- do you feel that too?
do you want what i want?

and if i should start to cry,
and i can't begin to tell you why,
and i stumble when i begin,
it's cause i don't understand anything.

-- everything but the girl, i don't understand anything

contrary to the thread i've weaved this entry with, everything but the girl's amplified heart isn't about the promise, confusion and scepticism of new love. tracey thorn and ben watt released their first ebtg album in 1982, amplified heart was released more than a decade later. by this time they were already an "old" couple. but ben contracted a rare life-threatening disease at around 1990, and both tracey and ben admitted to a trying time while they were battling the disease. i belatedly realized how this reflected in their writing. it's a bit ambiguous, but if you know the story, you can see it's there.

---

one last: this is the song that marked the transition in their music. also the song that put them on the dance charts. a lot of people think ebtg is all techno, but the real treasure lies in the early albums.

i ask why did I come again?
can i confess i've been hanging 'round your old address?
and the years have proved to offer nothing since you moved
you're long gone but i can't move on
and i miss you-
like the deserts miss the rain

-- everything but the girl, missing

not a real post

i still haven't seen closer, so i'm not answering the question i posted.

i found a new friend who tagged me at my *better* blog. she's also a dashboard confessional fan, and she's probably more astig than i ever was at her age. loved her choice of bands. guess i would have also chosen them if i was still in college. brings back memories of shooting the breeze with romily and mike -- they're the two people who understand my edgier musical preferences.

---

i promised i wouldn't write about something controversial in this blog. that kind of thing is reserved for my other blog, because otherwise i might not be able to restrain myself. so i'll let a friend of mine say it for me.

mark's blog

---

i'm having a grand time. i'm getting by at work, i'm getting a shot for heart candy, and i'm still hanging on. i'm mixed up. but i'm luckier than most people. i'm living my life.

two star

now i'm free to say it.

for so many months i wondered if i was shirking my duty. i tried to be sensible. i tried to be open-minded. i knew what i was up against. i spoke my mind, but i knew how futile it was. through it all, i wondered if i would survive that assault to the very core of my principles. i'm not even a principled person, for that matter. i don't have the courage to carry my convictions. i was annoyed, but i had to stay. even if you didn't feel it, i was right behind you, hoping i didn't have to catch your fall.

the right path has never been so clearer. go where fate leads you.

well it's not for me to say,
but i can't see what you see in him anyway.
but such righteousness in me
is not a nice thing to display,
and who am i for chrissakes anyway
to judge a life this way

when my own's in disarray?

i watch saturday kids' tv
with the sound turned down.
i leave food on the eiderdown.
all my thoughts pushed underground.

maybe you're happy
- everyone says you are.
you drive around on two star,
you leave your life ajar,
and god knows you deserve it.
bad luck follows everyone.

so go on, and stop listening to me.
stop listening to me.
and don't ask me how i feel.
don't ask me how i feel.

so it's not for me to say,
because i change my mind from day to day,
and when i look at you
i only see bits of myself anyway.

so go on, and stop listening to me.
stop listening to me.
and don't ask me what to say,
or to judge a life this way

when my own's in disarray.

-- everything but the girl, two star

the last time

fixations are hard to resist.

the first thing i did when i came online was google keane. as usual i found the links to the official sites and these really good fansites, and i stumbled upon the keane faq (currently hosted at http://www.keane.at/faq.html#special because of some website problems).

here's the lowdown on my current favorite song. i copied it from the actual message posted on the keane messageboard by tim rice-oxley (the keyboardist and apparently the main songwriter).

TITLT is indeed a confusing song, which is actually something i regret, but the meaning is hard to explain quickly and simply. here's my attempt.

it's mainly about regret. i was thinking about how you can have a huge amount of affection for someone and yet not have that magic spark that makes you feel like you're in love. whenever i hear the song i feel it's a snapshot of the moment of two people saying their goodbyes...i can actually see them stood facing each other. what a rotten moment that is eh.

anyway so you have a bond with someone but you don't want to stay with them forever. so you decide to go. but you're not saying 'i hate you and i'm leaving'...you're trying to say 'i think you're great but i've seen that there's something more perfect and magical out there for me and i need to find it. but i will always be your friend if you need me.' does that make sense? so the bridge ('something i wasn't sure of...etc') is about the sense that there's something more magical to be found. making that decision to leave something comfortable to search for something perfect is difficult, so the alternating lines of the chorus are almost a debate going on in your head...you're saying 'this is the last time we'll share these intimate moments, time will make things better, and of course you can turn to me whenever you want to, i don't mind.' if you split the chorus into two parts using alternate lines it makes sense! i guess the feeling of conflict within yourself and the difficulty of making that decision is what the song is really about. it's not sarcastic or anything but it is certainly confusing. sorry!

i like trying to write about confusion and grey areas because life is not normally very clear-cut and simple, especially when it comes to the way people interact. hence the album's title. how many songs are there at the moment about how you're not good enough for me so **** you? the eamonn/frankee nonsense being an obvious example but look at any number of recent hits. how often is life really that simple? i guess that's why 'dry your eyes' was such a popular song...it talks about the confusion and mess of breaking up, and that's a reality that people recognise.

anyway that's enough from me. tim

PS the line 'one last tender lie' is one of my favourite keane lyrics and i guess it's just about telling white lies to make people feel better. maybe the whole song is a tender lie...or something...better stop before i get confused too! bye.

PPS thanks for asking the question in the first place! it's great that you guys are interested in the details of the songs...the words are what really matters i think.

now i know why i'm so fixated on the song. it's because it's what i feel at the moment. i know, that thing has hardly even begun. but every time i think about it, it always feels like i'm on the way out or something. not a good omen for a relationship that isn't even a relationship in the first place. a friend of mine kept telling me to go for it, but at some point he always throws me a curve ball, something like "maybe he's not the right guy". i'm tired. i want to move on. and i've been wanting to move on for the past year or so. sometimes i think i've got it, finally, but i guess i haven't. and this song captures that mood, how i want to stay and follow the path to wherever it takes me, but i'm not being given the chance and i don't see a future in it and i want to leave it behind.

this is how it was almost a year ago: http://politicsaside.blog-city.com/read/738409.htm. sad to say, i haven't made much progress from that.

looking for keane

another good find i made tonight is the "soaps and beers" project. a few good fans made their own cover of the 12 tracks from hopes and fears, and compiled them on this website: http://www.keane.at/cover/covers2.htm. as i'm on dial-up (this is the weekend and i'm at home, so no broadband wi-fi) i'm still downloading the s&b version of titlt and i'm 90% done.

still another great fansite: the tim rice-oxley fanpage http://www.tims-girls.de.vu/. great colors.

and to complete the my titlt fix, here's a pic of the handwritten lyrics, found at keane.at

addictions

one of my newest occupations in life, aside from doing system documentation, is downloading. for the past weeks i've been addicted to this blogger's site. like, he posts an entry almost every day, while taking his cpa exams, and the contents are nothing to be sniffed at. he probably has the largest and most diverse mp3 collection of anyone i've "met" recently. like, he has rufus wainwright, disney soundtracks, jennifer lopez, and avril lavigne in the last week alone. and he shares them through the blog.

yesterday he put up the whole keane album. i'm in heaven.

this is the last time
that i will say these words
i remember the first time
the first of many lies
sweep it into the corner
or hide it under the bed
say these things they go away
but they never do

something i wasn't sure of
but i was in the middle of
something i forget now
but i've seen too little of

the last time
you fall on me for anything you like
your one last line
you fall on me for anything you like
and years make everything alright
you fall on me for anything you like
and i, no i don't mind

this is the last time
that i will show my face
one last tender lie
and then i'm out of this place
so tread it into the carpet
or hide it under the stairs
you say that some things never die
well i tried and i tried

something i wasn't sure of
but i was in the middle of
something i forget now
but i've seen too little of

the last time
you fall on me for anything you like
your one last line
you fall on me for anything you like
and years make everything alright
you fall on me for anything you like
and i, no i don't mind

the last time
you fall on me for anything you like
your one last line
you fall on me for anything you like
and years make everything alright
you fall on me for anything you like
and i, no i don't mind

-- keane, this is the last time

nothing to say

a couple of days ago i finally got down to reorganizing some of my music files. in particular, i found the patience to scrutinize all my dashboard confessional songs. best bud mike burned a whole batch of 'em last year, but when i fiddled with my wmp last month i think i messed up the titles and the file names. so i really had to sit down and compare the song with the lyrics, which i got from the official website.

for a long time i wasn't in the mood to listen to those songs. i only had ears for the songs that introduced me to dash: a plain morning, best deceptions, screaming infidelities, and hands down. and there's vindicated from the spiderman2 soundtrack. i found the repetitive theme of chris carraba's songs too tiring to listen to, and too depressing. fortunately i managed to sit through the whole batch, which include most of the tracks from all his albums, as well as mtv unplugged versions. personally, i found some of the mtv unplugged versions to be better than the originals. and as i listened through the songs while reading the lyrics, i remembered why i was attracted to dash in the first place. however, i would still recommend moderation because too much emo can affect your mood. on the other hand, it was perfect for the time in our lives that we were wallowing in sadness and the futility of love.

here's a sample of chris carraba's genius. i think he's a poet (or whatever you call it, when it's actually prose) first and foremost.

i'm starting to fashion an idea in my head where i would impress you with every single word i said would come out insightful or brave or smooth or charming and you'd want to call me

and i would be there every time you'd need me i'd be there every time...

but for now i'll look so longingly waiting... for you to want me, for you need me, for you to notice me

-- dashboard confessional, for you to notice

uppers and downers

this week i reviewed my collection of dashboard confessional songs. i loved some of them right away, but listening through the whole collection makes me feel like i'm going through a wringer because chris carraba is all emo. i bet there is one dashboard song you can find that is tailor fit to whatever stage you're on, whether falling in or out of love. but behind the songs, even the optimistic ones, is a note of bitterness obvious to ones who have been burned in the past.

it's just like you to contest
you wear it like a label on your breast
don't you see what this takes of me?
a certain callousness complies with your charm
and in your pride a hopeful look draped in despise.

i want to give you whatever you need.
what is it you need? is it what i need?
i want to give you whatever you need.
what is it you need? is it within me?

it's hard to explain how i am getting by on so little from you.
it's hard to believe that i would let myself get so wrapped into you.
there's got to be something that would be worthwhile for me to give to you. we need a
connection but you seem to push me far away from you.

the harder i push the farther i fall.
well you don't mind me being headstrong.
but you don't want to sing along.
maybe it's trite but i can't always be wrong.
try not to be wrong.

-- dashboard confessional, ender will save us all

finally, i have a copy of keane's this is the last time, courtesy of this overly generous blogger guy who has a collection from heaven. the same as the killers, i didn't really much like the first single keane put out but i was hooked with everybody's changing. i'm seriously considering getting the cd now, but maybe i'll postpone it for a little while longer.

keane has a great website too. i enjoyed watching the glastonbury performance of this is the last time. kinda raw, but still great. it's just a shame the tracks aren't downloadable, i would have loved having the glastonbury clips in my collection. maybe i should look around the web a bit more thoroughly, who knows what fansites have in store ;)

---

the answer: it was the lobby door. luckily all the students were at a respectable distance, so it was only the guard who had a few cuts from the shattered glass. but it was scary coz the wind was blowing in hard, and i don't know how none of us got any small shards of glass in our eyes. that was a real fluke.

q: this song from the movie closer was played at the beginning and the end

a) damien rice, the blower's daughter

b) the smiths, how soon is now

c) damien rice, cold water

more on the movie next post. hopefully i'd have seen it by then.

mistake no. 3

originally posted on blog city

today i finally finished my first post for my friendster blog.

...huwaaaaat? another blog?!? as if i'm still updating my blogspot!

i almost gave up on the friendster blog. the site is soooo sloooooow. and setting up the configurations took me several days. however, i needed a new blog that will not identify with this one. the contents of this one are too sensitive for just anybody's viewing.

the friendster blog takes some getting used to, but i think i'm getting the hang of it. and some of the features provided are really cool, which for a web novice like me would be pretty difficult to set up here. i do think i'm getting the best of both worlds.

as for the thoughts dug up from the innermost recesses of dreamland, they stay right here.

rainy days and tuesdays

it seemed as if nobody had a good day today. my day can not be described as one from whatever angle. and as i looked through my friend list, all my joint horoscopes were either orange (so-so) or red (bad). so is it just me... or is it just me?

---

i clocked out at work earlier than i normally do, with the intention of logging extra time at school. that means three hours of surfing, blogging, downloading mp3s, and all other activities remotely related to research or schoolwork. yet typical of my quirky nature i suddenly decided to cut out barely an hour later, get some groceries and head home. but as fate would have it, i peered through the lobby doors and saw an honest-to-goodness rain shower. i stared dumbfounded at the puddles, wondering how i could miss the loud thunder i kept hearing by then. i was silently debating where i would wait out the storm when... crash!!!

...

and that's why i managed to stay in the library until 8 pm.

q: what lay behind the crashing sound i heard?

a) the maintenance guy carrying a potted plant slipped on the wet floor
b) the wind slammed against the lobby door, which in turn hit the guard's station and shattered into pieces
c) the law student dropped a glass full of water while rushing to the elevator

---

answer next post.

true calling

hmmm. here i am again on sunday night. instead of trying to get more rest for the week ahead, i am still on my pc and surfing the night away.

but before i go off to dreamland...

i opened up my friendster account, meaning to change my profile once again. i feel dissatisfied at what i've put in there so far... perhaps it reflects my unhappiness over my own life, but that's another story. there's this blank on "hobbies and interests" which i never could fill out to my satisfaction. i started to put in this junk about collecting mp3s, and i went on to say something about wanting to pursue my musical inclination but i'm currently treading a very different path.

like duh.

mike already posted something like this recently over at his blog. and i've talked this over with one of my closest high school friends (i know, i have a lot of "close hs friends" but they're quite a bunch) who is pursuing an acting career (as in theatre). sometimes i wonder why i chose not to pursue a musical career. i have lots of excuses which include:

1. i'm not a good bass player, compared to what i've seen out there
2. i'm not even a patient student
3. i can't do oido, not that well anyway
4. actuarial science was supposed to be a lucrative career
5. i can't afford to be a starving artist

some of them are good reasons, too. but with all the changes that's been happening, i guess it's time to finally do something about it. god gave me a discerning ear and good taste. while most people don't share my preference, i believe in it. then again, i have to tie up some loose ends before i embark on another journey.

earth to tin's brain... please, please finish your strama this time. get back to work, lazybones!

everybody's changing

finally, the verdict is in.

all that i have worked for in the past one year and two months can now be described in two words: killing time.

in other words, the project has been shelved, indefinitely. even if pulling the plug on the project is yet to be made official, my new role has already been announced to senior management two weeks ago. that was two weeks of frustration, anxiety... and my favorite part of all, waiting.

uncertainty is one of the key concepts of actuarial study, but this is taking it to a different level. having to use my scant knowledge to help a company i knew next to nothing about is a big challenge. and one i'm scared to take on. but i have nothing to lose. in fact, i have everything to gain. especially with my strategic paper hanging over my head.

all in all, i think i'm relieved that i'm on my way out of the project. one of the things i hated about it was the feeling of uncertainty (there it is again...). and with all the other members of the team already gone, pulling the plug will hopefully give me the closure i needed.

it's time to start a new day.

you and me

what day is it? and in what month?
this clock never seemed so alive
i can't keep up and i can't back down
i've been losing so much time

cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
nothing to lose
and it's you and me and all of the people
and i don't know why, i can't keep my eyes off of you

all of the things that i want to say just aren't coming out right
i'm tripping on words
you've got my head spinning
i don't know where to go from here

cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
nothing to prove
and it's you and me and all of the people
and i don't know why, i can't keep my eyes off of you

there's something about you now
i can't quite figure out
everything she does is beautiful
everything she does is right

cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
nothing to lose
and it's you and me and all of the people
and i don't know why, i can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all of the people with nothing to do
nothing to prove
and it's you and me and all of the people
and i don't know why, i can't keep my eyes off of you

what day is it?
and in what month?
this clock never seemed so alive

-- lifehouse, you and me

sunshine

where is a good cup of coffee when you need it?

don't know what exactly went wrong today.

was it my late start, which was caused partly by laziness and partly by the proximity of ness' condo to makati?
was it the misfortune of standing inside the mrt until i reached shaw boulevard station?
was it dread caused by attending the department heads' meeting, when i wanted to avoid the boss?
was it delaying lunch until we got back to makati office?
was it anxiety over our presentation on 5s this afternoon?
was it apprehension over our senior management presentation next tuesday?
was it the fact that i'm still in the office past 6 pm, printing out materials from a fucked-up printer, and me feeling so sleepy and tired?
was it facing the improbability of attending first friday mass today?
was it the realization that i want to get home -- to lb -- right away, but i'm still stuck here?

whatever the reason, i am so unhappy with this day. i can't wait for it to end.

this printer really is irritating me.

fortress around my heart

last friday i had a really long talk with one of my closest friends. just because he and my next best friend are an item, he thinks it gives him the right to dissect my love life (well, everyone pretty much does, anyway). that being the case, i took off my "dear ate helen" hat and gave it to him for the moment.

like in previous discussions we've had, my mood shifted from eagerness to annoyance to indulgence to suspicion to jealousy (don't ask!) to incredulity to resignation. while the topic of discussion really centered around one subject, it's like we've covered every possible aspect of it. most of the time i tend to hold my cards close to my chest, especially with him and that particular subject we were talking about. i guess he's a naturally thorough conversationalist, but that certain time i opened up and told him all my fears and apprehensions and doubts, even the things i didn't want to tell him at first because i didn't want him to misinterpret. his opinions really counted a lot because it was a different point of view, though sometimes i tend to reject some of them because he was being either too hopeful or too paranoid.

so i learned a lot too. most of them i already knew in my mind, but my insecurity and fear prevents me from accepting them in my heart. after digesting what we talked about, i realized that fear really is holding me back. all that b.s. about my pride, and my doubts about my feelings, they were all rooted in fear. last year i already reconciled with the possibility of falling in love, i now don't reject the possiblity outright. but it seems i got stuck on taking the next step as well. i still have not accepted that level of engagement, and i give all sorts of excuses. i kept saying that i don't think i was in it for real because i can't commit or fight for it, and that i can't swallow my pride as well. because of my insecurities, i still rejected the idea of stepping up and admitting -- even to myself -- the extent of my feelings. whenever i think about it, i'm still not committed (i don't know what to call it, it could be real or not), or i hedge (maybe it is love, but i don't know), or worse, i get conditional (if something develops, then i'll know). now, i say, that is such a load of c___.

but aside from that, i realized something else that has been in my subconscious for some time. i'm also scared of the power i have over another person. by some instinct, i knew i possessed a lot of influence. i knew that if i worked really hard, there's a good chance that something would come out of it. which is why i said didn't want to swallow my pride; my pride wouldn't allow me to do all the work. it's like i bulldozed my way into it, and i couldn't accept that i was into it more than that other person is. in short, i didn't want to be at the losing end.

a long time ago, i already encountered the feeling of omnipotence and i got scared. as a result, i handled it badly. i could have stayed and learned for myself that i really didn't want to pursue a relationship with this person, but i ran off with all my ideas, afraid of proving myself wrong. it took me a long time before i allowed myself to get close to that person again, but now we know each other so well though we remained platonic friends, and i'm happy about it. if i hadn't done that, i would have lost the chance to share something that only the two of us can appreciate.

i have walls that i hide behind at the slightest hint or possibility of connecting with someone. i think at the very least i was afraid that someone would find out i'm not worth it. and because of that, i keep waiting for someone to break down those barriers. i see now that barriers cannot be broken down without my consent.

---

under the ruins of a walled city
crumbling towers in beams of yellow light
no flags of truce, no cries of pity
the siege guns had been pounding all through the night
it took a day to build the city
we walked through its streets in the afternoon
as i returned across the fields i'd known
i recognized the walls that i'd once made
i had to stop in my tracks for fear
of walking on the mines i'd laid

and if i built this fortress around your hearten
circled you in trenches and barbed wire
then let me build a bridge
for i cannot fill the chasm
and let me set the battlements on fire

then i went off to fight some battle
that i'd invented inside my head
away so long for years and years
you probably thought or even wished that i was dead
while the armies all are sleeping
beneath the tattered flag we'd made
i had to stop in my tracks for fear
of walking on the mines i'd laid

the prison has now become your home
a sentence you seem prepared to pay
it took a day to build the city
we walked thought its streets in the afternoon
as i returned across the fields i'd known
i recognized the walls that i'd once made
i had to stop in my tracks for fear
of walking on the mines i'd laid

-- sting, fortress around your heart

pockets of free time, part 2

still have a lot of time to kill before i get out of the house, so here goes.

last week i watched the rivermaya and kitchie nadal concert at the araneta. a few weeks ago mike was asking if i wanted to watch. to give a little background, i first saw rivermaya with the current lineup at the klite anniversary party last year (see this: http://politicsaside.blogspot.com/2004/10/birthday-bash.html ). and early this year, i was lucky enough to see them perform at the petron launch, again with my best buddy mike. so mike has a pretty good idea how eager i am to see rivermaya again... especially mike elgar (hahaha!) but this time our hearts weren't really into it, since it was a saturday and i rarely stay in manila on saturday nights.

by some kind of fluke, another friend won a bunch of tickets to the concert. i had converted gary into a semi-regular morning brew listener, and we were constantly trying our luck on free tickets. this time, he got lucky (though he was gunning for tickets to the guess who premier). so mike and i got to watch after all.

gaaaah, i'm really getting lazy, so just read mike's review by clicking here: http://saveferris.blog-city.com/read/1206941.htm but i have to say, i still don't like kitchie all that much. the only song i liked from her is same ground.

open up my eager eyes

a week ago, i holed up in my school library just surfing and updating and putting down my thoughts on html (see previous entry). then i decided, why not hunt up this new song getting regular airplay at klite? then i realized, i loved this song! though i really didn't understand what it was about, in a matter of minutes it became my current favorite song... in the same way i went crazy over amber last year. i don't want to brag, but i do believe my craziness helped finally put the song on the number one spot at the weekly tally. yippee!
check out the two videos of this song over at http://www.islandrecords.com/thekillers/site/home.las

i'm coming out of my cage
and i’ve been doing just fine
gotta gotta be down
because i want it all
it started out with a kiss
how did it end up like this
it was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
now i’m falling asleep
and she’s calling a cab
while he’s having a smoke
and she’s taking a drag
now they’re going to bed
and my stomach is sick
and it’s all in my head
but she’s touching his—chest
now, he takes off her dress
now, let me go

i just can’t look its killing me
and taking control
jealousy, turning saints into the sea
swimming through sick lullabies
choking on your alibis
but it’s just the price i pay
destiny is calling me
open up my eager eyes
‘cause i’m mr brightside

i’m coming out of my cage
and i’ve been doing just fine
gotta gotta be down
because i want it all
it started out with a kiss
how did it end up like this
it was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
now i’m falling asleep
and she’s calling a cab
while he’s having a smoke
and she’s taking a drag
now they’re going to bed
and my stomach is sick
and it’s all in my head
but she’s touching his—chest
now, he takes off her dress
now, let me go

i just can’t look its killing me
and taking control
jealousy, turning saints into the sea
swimming through sick lullabies
choking on your alibi
but it’s just the price i pay
destiny is calling me
open up my eager eyes
‘cause i’m mr brightside

i never...
i never...
i never...

-- the killers, mr. brightside

pockets of free time

finally! i now own a genuine burned copy (in other words, hilaw na pirata) of sting's the soul cages. yippee! buti na lang a friend of mine has a friend in japan who came home recently and brought home a copy, coz there are none to be found even at tower/m1. since it was only a burned copy, i'm not sure if the original really included this really far-out version of moon over bourbon street. like, it's really different, i didn't recognize it at first.

keep hanging on

part 7 of the philosophical discourses on waiting

tonight i met up with my original gimik gang. the three of us were part of the same group in high school, and whenever i'm asked who my friends are they're the first to come to mind. i'd been nursing a headache since morning but i decided to go because i hadn't seen my best friend in so many weeks, and it was time to catch up.

inevitably the discussion led to our respective love lives -- or in my case, my perceived lack thereof. some people would argue that i had one. but the truth is, anything that can be used as proof in that argument is either nonexistent or an assumption, which amounts to nothing. i was (again) bemoaning the fact that i'm still unattached, while both of my girl friends are so much into their significant others.

i know, there's nothing really wrong with being single. in fact, i know i'm not ready for a relationship at this time. but the subject is such a thorn in my side because of the mere fact that i've never had a boy friend. not in high school, not in college, and obviously not at work or grad school. it's one more reason why i've become so insecure about myself, it actually becomes a vicious cycle because my insecurity feeds my anxiety about having a love life.

hearing me rant and rave about the subject probably exasperated the girls somehow, because they finally joked that they were gonna raffle me off. ha. maybe because i told them i didn't want to get serious about love the first time. weird, i know. i felt like i missed out on being with someone in a carefree way, so i wanted to recapture my youth in that aspect. besides, i knew i wasn't ready for the serious stuff. sounds like a recipe for disaster. which is probably why god hasn't given me that blessing yet, because i wanted it for the wrong reasons.

it's not unusual

it's summer once again, and with the season comes one of the most anticipated workplace activities... summer outings!

since our company has more than 300 employees in the head office/petron office alone, we were allowed to organize our own departmental outing. some have already gone to popular beach retreats like batangas, or water world resorts like fontana. one department even went as far as boracay (but this was planned way in advance). but when my department (along with 3 others) were asked where we were going for our outing, we were met with either trying-to-take-you-seriously expressions, or the more frank "talaga nga? totoo?". that's because we went to enchanted kingdom.

oh, come on. don't tell me you haven't heard of a company outing at EK. even i tagged along on my mom's outing for my first visit. but in this case, what people probably found incredible is that we were mostly singles or have no kids on tow. actually, only one of us had her kids come and she lived virtually next door to EK. but the point was, were were mostly in our twenties and we probably wanted to capture our lost youth -- or at least, go back to college age, which i knew i always wanted to do. and for a few hours, we were teenagers again.

yesterday we had our lunch at luk yuen in glorietta, and we boarded the bus going to balibago, sta. rosa at 2pm. EK day-trippers had separate (more expensive) tickets, but now i know how to get there much more cheaply. anyway, we got there at around 4 and the fun begins! first we got on the bumpcars -- tame in the fear factor but fun just the same. and of course just one turn is not enough, and the second run was better because i had more control of the car i was driving. after that we went on the pretend hot air balloons, then on the kids' rollercoaster (to get revved up?). i passed on anchors away, and got on jungle log jam and space shuttle -- my favorite thrill rides. and because of too much excitement i got real dizzy. whoa, i really should have remembered i was prone to motion sickness. which is why i opted not to go on rio grande, even if i was really looking forward to it. sigh. but even then, the bunch of us went home happy as clams.

i can't wait to see the pictures... and show them once i've learned how to post them ;)

taking it all in stride

yesterday was such a topsy-turvy day for me. (warning: this is horribly ego-centric)

i woke up at 6, just as the police's de do do do, de da da da started playing over at klite. that got me out ouf dreamland. i instantly sent vito (he's back at klite) a text message, about how lucky i was to hear it first thing and i was very optimistic about my day. it was a friday.

i told my aunt i was going to the gym, but i was having second thoughts. then i decided, what the heck, i'm gonna take a shower and gym can wait. but my aunt and my mum replied too late for me, and i ended up getting one of my moods... the one i always get when i'm on the defensive. i showed up at starbucks and gave my best impression of a bear to my parents. luckily i came to my senses, i wouldn't want to leave them the impression that they raised a sad kid. another lucky, i still managed to meet up with aunt and gave her my bag of laundry to take home. hayyyyy salamat.

i had two deadlines, none of which i made. the more important one, the revision of a draft i submitted earlier to my boss, i was supposed to finish in the morning. but nooooo. (it still surprises me how i can be so optimistic -- and out of this world -- about impossible deadlines.) before i finally got down to work i already missed half the morning. ha.

all afternoon i tried to work on the analysis. i was still on the second of 5 topics when my boss decided to have her lunch, at 4 pm. we were waiting for the other girl in my department, who went out, but we decided not to anymore. so we went over to pacific star and talked over a plate of pasta, shrimp entree, and two glasses of iced tea.

we came back to office almost an hour later and soon after my ka-department came back. a few minutes before 6 we decided to have the delayed talk over a cup of coffee and headed back to p.s., starbucks this time. we stayed until past 7 and went back to work. (i know, para kaming walang ginagawa no? one of the perks of our status in the company, i guess. but we do work long hours, even weekends, to compensate.)

finally called it quits at half past eight... i still had to get to lrt buendia and take a bus ride home to elbi. and of all the days, my bus had to break down because of a cut fuel line. man, it was smelling gas inside. buti na lang we were at petron slex because of routine gas-up and inspection. i called my aunt and she told me to wait for my parents to come get me, instead of riding the bus again. we managed to reach home midnight.

so what's this post really about? actually, most of the topsy-turvy stuff is an effect of my colleague's anouncement after lunch. guess what? she's resigning. from the original team of five, i'm the only one left. my current boss, who took over when my previous boss left last year, wasn't part of the original project team. so now i feel somewhat left behind.

don't get me wrong, i'm glad she got that chance. we (my boss and i) agreed that it was the perfect time for her, and the perfect chance if she was going to push through with her plans. and since i was such a big believer in fate helping things along, i knew the signs were there that her decision was the right one. but as i told them, i did envy her. though i do realize that this isn't the right time for me. and i could go on and on counting off the reasons.

i'm sad that she's going, coz she's the closest friend i have at work right now. i'm happy too, i 'm naturally benevolent about that and for her, i know it's right. i'm scared, because the responsibilities are now in my hands. but in spite of all these, i'm more than fine.

---

when i wake in the morning
i want to blow into pieces
i want more than just okay, more than just okay

when i’m up with the sunrise
i want more than just the blue skies
i want more than just okay, more than just okay

i’m not givin’ up, givin’ up now
i’m not givin’ up, not backing down

more than fine, more than bent on getting by
more than fine, more than just okay

when i’m lit with the sunshine
i want more than just a good time
i want more than just okay, more than just okay

i’m not givin’ up, givin’ up now
i’m not givin’ up, not selling out

more than fine, more than bent on getting by
more than fine, more than just okay

more than oceans away from the dawn
more than oceans away from who we are
more than oceans, more than oceans yeah

more than fine, more than bent on getting by
more than fine, more than just okay

ten points to the person who guesses whose song this is (what a mouthful)

my cd survey

one tuesday evening last year i met up with mike at shang and we ended up at starbucks at megastrip. both being music lovers and cd collectors we ended up discussing our favorites and cheap finds. this list pretty much sums it up for me.

1) the first cd you bought
the cardigans first band on the moon. the reason behind my second appearance at the morning brew cd archives.

2) the last cd you bought
urbandub birth

3) what you'd bring to a desert island
ebtg home movies
sting ...all this time
maroon5
radiohead the bends
the police greatest hits (para feel na feel yung message in a bottle hehehe)

4) the most expensive
the smashing pumpkins adore. forgot how much, kasi it was in hk$ at hmv way back 1998. i wasn't really keen on getting it though i was a big sp fan, but my aunt finally convinced me. true enough, the copies sold here didn't have the bonus vcd of the videos for ava adore and perfect.

5) what you will never lend to anyone (or will, but with great reservation)
my uncles' cds, coz they're not mine to lend! other than those, none i think. i'm such a pushover.

6) pinahirapan ka muna bago mo nakuha
belly king. i had the tape for the longest time, high school pa yata. i almost gave up on it because i never see any belly cds at tower. then one sunday i chanced on the only copy at tower alabang. yehey!

7) your current wish list (what you'd buy right now if you had the money)
OST spiderman2
sergio mendes 3 decades (11/20/07 got the mp3s)
eraserheads ultraelectromagneticpop! (11/20/07 got this already)
OST a walk to remember. because of switchfoot (11/20/07 got this already)
keane hopes and fears. if only for everybody's changing (11/20/07 got the mp3s)

8) rarities... sana ma-reissue
ateneo glee club langit. a collection of prayer songs, distributed by bookmark. and conspicuously absent from the jesuit comm catalogs. last thursday i chanced upon lahi (their other album in the series) in abundance at music one and it is now priced at 295 (when i bought it at 420 last year)... meaning it could be a reissue. i found hope. anyway, i loved langit for the choral version of prayer of st. francis, one of my favorite glee club pieces.
clair marlo. my friend/officemate wants a copy because she likes it so much. and because without me is such a favorite, i want one too. (11/20/07 got the mp3s)
color it red hand painted sky. though i have a copy of my classmate's cd, i'd still buy an original just for the inlay.
eraserheads fruitcake. there's a petition going on at the eheads mailing list and there are around 50 orders so far... they need 500 for a reissue. (11/20/07 got the mp3s)

9) not really rarities (nasa #7 sana pero mahirap hanapin sa local record stores)
weezer weezer (blue album). i had the tape and i loved it. thanks to my childhood friend tina for introducing me to weezer.
dominic miller shapes. dominic is sting's guitarist for 14 years now. he can do classical, and he has also done guitar work for the pretenders and julia fordham (girlfriend). but his most famous work is his collaboration with sting on shape of my heart, which is featured in this cd.
sting the soul cages. probably the most gloomy album of sting's solo career. contains the hits all this time and why should i cry for you, one of my favorites. (11/20/07 someone gave me a burned copy :)
hole celebrity skin. in my opinion, this is the better hole album (compared to the one with miss world), even if i know only three songs. two of those i've performed with romily at an open jam.
10000 maniacs mtv unplugged. another band i really admire, but i never went silly over them the way i did for the others.

10) didn't expect to love the whole album
radiohead the bends. the album that gave them cred. like, from one-hit wonder to superband.
oasis (what's the story) morning glory. sure, the gallaghers' attitude can make you cringe, but this is proof that they have something to brag about.
maroon5 songs about jane. i felt guilty about getting this album early last year when i had just maxed my credit for christmas. when i finally got down to seriously listening to it, i have not felt guilty about it again. and this was before this love was played on every other radio station.
parokya ni edgar khangkhungkherrnitz and inuman sessions. one of the few bands that is still intact after all this time. just hope vinci doesn't officially leave the band for many years yet. chito's voice grows on you, promise.
eraserheads circus. the soundtrack of my teenage angst. unlocking the complete chord pattern and the bass intro of alapaap all by myself is one of my biggest achievements as a bass player.
urbandub influence. heck, they won album of the year for goodness' sake!
switchfoot the beautiful letdown. i wished for this album for my birthday on the strength of meant to live. not surprisingly, i loved the whole album even if i found some lyrics kinda corny. i guess they really are good.