the choices we don't make

part 6 of the philosophical discourses on the subject of waiting

...though the air speaks of all we'll never be, it won't trouble me...

but it does.

just when i thought allowing myself to feel was hard enough, something else looms in the horizon.

and this time, it wasn't my decision to make.

the only choice i can make is whether to give up or suffer in silence.

as usual, the most likely outcome is obvious. the question is how long.

---

... it won't matter now, whatever happens will be...

fine. i don't care any more what i really feel. what i do care about is how painful it will get until the situation resolves itself.

until then, there's nothing else to do but wait.

waiting. how i'm getting to hate the word.

nothing's so loud
as hearing when we lie
the truth is not kind
and you've said neither am i
but the air outside so soft is saying
everything
everything

all i want is to feel this way
to be this close, to feel the same
all i want is to feel this way
the evening speaks, i feel it say

nothing's so cold
as closing the heart when all we need
is to free the soul
but we wouldn't be that brave i know
and the air outside so
soft, confessing everything
everything

all i want is to feel this way
to be this close, to feel the same
all i want is to feel this way
the evening speaks, i feel it say

and it won't matter now
whatever happens will be
though the air speaks of all we'll never be
it won't trouble me

all i want is to feel this way
to be this close, to feel the same
all i want is to feel this way
the evening speaks, i feel it say

and it feels so close
let it take me in
let it hold me so
i can feel it say

-- toad the wet sprocket, all i want

open-ended nightmare

how can i fall, when you just won't give me reasons?

-- breathe, how can i fall

last night i took introspection into a new level.

with all that's been written, trying to comprehend what's happening, i was never satisfied with the answers i get. or rather, the questions they seem to lead to.

to sum up, i made a couple of misstatements in my last blog.

1. seeing other fish in the sea. sure, i get excited knowing that possibilities are finally opening up for me, as i had hoped. just so i wouldn't think of this person by default. i was wrong. i realized that while i was glad to finally come in contact with the unreachable star, so to speak, i still want to be with that other person more.

2. i don't feel the pain of weeks past. huh? maybe not to the extent that i felt hopelessly depressed as before. but the pain is still there nonetheless.

3. i'm not taking matters into my own hands. apparently i have, after all. just when i thought my stinging comment -- to which there has been no response yet -- looked harmless, my best guy friend pointed out to me that it was a gauntlet thrown to his face. subtle, but a challenge nonetheless. so now i have no choice but to wait and see. again.

the thing is, i had a brainwave last night. all that thinking. i already knew that i'm waiting to fall in love. what i realized is that he was, too. the same way i am. but scared of falling, and of falling for the wrong reasons.

however much i tried to deny it, it's actually so easy now to say that i've fallen. whether i really have or not is not the point anymore. what's stopping me, i wonder? acknowledgement? confirmation? reciprocation? the point is, i think i've finally accepted that i could fall in love. i don't know when i'll be certain of the extent of my feelings. or whether i really felt it because of the person he is or because practically he's the only one in my realm. and i guess i'll never know for sure until something happens.

so here i am. waiting. again.

thanks for talking with me last night, mike. you'll never know how close i've gotten to crying every time i'm opening up to you.

last buzz:

my horoscope today (or rather, yesterday). so scary.

Things were clicking along just fine. You two were going along like wheels on a bike. Then, suddenly, you had to cross a river, and nothing's quite been the same after that.

no end in sight

how i wish i could snap my fingers and end this right now.

every day that passes is another day of introspection, confusion, decision and reaffirmation. and i do this knowing that the next day i had to do it all over again.

waiting is a hard habit to break. especially when one has done it his whole life. as i have.

i've already tried more than once to get out of this phase. i've already decided to let go. at one point i have felt regret because i thought i was letting go too fast. but something always happens and i’m back to where i was. hanging in limbo. waiting. again.

is this just fate telling me something? just when i thought that the wires (or in this case, the mobile phone inbox) have become silent and empty, something else pops up in another dimension. and the messages that ride on another frequency get me confused even more.

on the contrary, is fate just testing my resolve? is it telling me something else altogether? is it showing me how unreliable mixed signals can be?

coincidentally i have so much going for me now that i don't feel the pain of weeks past. a change of environment has done me a lot of good. i've become less dependent on distraction to occupy my time. i've gotten part of my concentration back. and i don't feel as helplessly depressed as before.

nowadays my eyes have also opened up to other possibilities. luckily, it seems that i'm becoming aware of other fish in the sea. the point was brought home last night, when i had a close encounter with the guy of times past. someone i had not seen for months, but hopefully i'll see more of in the course of the term. up to now i still feel the excitement. and now i am reminded of the carefree days before i played this waiting game.

in spite of these, i find that i'm still waiting. and to some extent, i have also resorted to provocation. but still not in the realm of taking matters into my own hands. i'm too timid and inherently risk-averse to go to such lengths. just yet.

will the waiting ever end? will i ever know the true extent of my engagement? will he ever come through? will it be worth the wait? or will it stop, abruptly?

i'm still wishing that the wait will not be for much longer and that it will not be in vain. but until that time, i hope i enjoy it the way i'm beginning to.