Sunday, December 25, 2005

love, love is all around

in honor of my blog's second anniversary, here is a (still partial) list of my favorite christmas songs. hope you guys would get to listen to them sometime.

last christmas (wham!/jimmy eat world) -- i've loved this song since i was a kid. i have this distinct memory of driving down south superhighway (now pres. osmena ave.) and singing along to this song from the backseat. jimmy eat world's cover is more upbeat, but the fact remains: christmas = angst.

the christmas song (al jarreau) -- i think the most popular version of this song is the one by nat king cole, which is great, but al jarreau's is the one i fell in love with. i dunno why. it probably has something to do with the t.h. factor... not that nat king cole is that, but i feel that every other version is trying hard to channel him. with al jarreau, i feel it's all his own.

christmas is all around (billy mack) -- godawful song. i know. nuff said.

what child is this -- senti is as senti goes, this song isn't as popular as silent night or o holy night, which suits me just fine.

all i want for christmas (olivia olson) -- again, hangover from love, actually.

the christmas song (dave matthews) -- the first time i heard this song, i was so bowled over. i don't _hate_ dmb anymore. not much, anyway. ;) love the riff.

ano'ng gagawin mo ngayong pasko (ryan cayabyab) -- i recommend the san miguel master chorale version. the blending gives maximum goosebumps.

merry christmas everyone!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

wish lists

christmas is my favorite time of the year for a number of reasons. sure, it's also the worst time ever to be hit by depression, but lots of other stuff made sure that i won't be stuck in that rut. one of them is the time-honored tradition of exchanging gifts.

there are many ways that this tradition can go wrong. one is if you don't have anyone to exchange gifts with, which almost happened to me this year if i hadn't been part of the hr christmas party. another is getting the worst gift ever. thank heaven somebody invented the wish list.

ah, wish lists. i actually started last month, when i posted my desired christmas gifts (however improbable to get) on the klite message boards. last week, out of sheer boredom, i actually constructed a list with three classifications: short-term achievable (like if i had an extra few thousand), intangible (more of services), and long-term achievable (aka next-to-impossible). as always, they were all about me -- selfish and materialistic are not overstatements.

of course, for exchange gift purposes i had to trim it to something more manageable and easier to find (for my gift mommy/daddy) and up to 500 pesos. so i had to think fast and come up with the things i liked but did not want to buy myself. i even asked my guy friends what cds they recommended, out of desperation. i finally ended up with this:

  1. a pair of piglet (of winnie the pooh) bedroom slippers
  2. a dvd of the incredibles
  3. the starbucks christmas bear (the girl, of course -- it has its own doll)
  4. memories of love -- the live cd for the concert of kevyn lettau, lou pardini and joe pizzulo held this year
  5. bubble bath (even if i don't have a tub)

so, what's on your christmas wish list? and please, not world peace.

Wednesday, December 7, 2005

child at heart

hahaha!

i know i've always been a college kid at heart, so this really tickled me pink.

today i had to run some errands and i got on a jeep across from landbank (lb) going to olivarez. i looked into my coin purse and pulled out a 10 peso coin, which i then gave to the driver.

the change he gave me was 4 pesos.

(in case you've been living under a rock the past few months, the recently implemented jeepney fare rates have the adults paying 7.50 and the student fare is 6 pesos.)



hay. i'm missing the urbandub gig today at capone's. this was one thing mike and i have been waiting for and planning for months, i even got ness to tag along. but no go. selfish intentions do cave against family obligations and filial piety.



just got the rockstar cd. the main reason being jordis' version of my song of the moment, baba o'riley. i already have the csi intro theme on my cell (an edit of the who's who are you) so i'm just scouting for the csi ny theme now, which i want way, way more. selfish, selfish.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

such fluff

10 am. everyone else is preoccupied with work. the diary isn't filled with the stuff to do before the trip tomorrow. it's the twins' birthday today. the excel file onscreen taunts me, daring me to snap out of lethargy. it's there, what i had to do, but thinking about it and how to go about it still confuses me.

anjanette does her final spiel this morning, and segues into the familiar opening licks from jeff buckley. i shift to the open explorer window, trying to stop myself from clicking the saved webpage.

i couldn't resist.

friendship between men and women is one of my pet fascinations. i love delving into the dynamics of intergender relationships, and i'm thankful that i have at least one male best friend. it's one of the reasons i enjoy seeing gary sinise and melina kanakaredes sharing a scene in csi: new york. the evidence of an enduring friendship between mac taylor and stella bonasera is inspiring. gil grissom and catherine willows may lord it over in fanficdom, the moderate popularity of mac and stella is more in tune with their low-key profiles anyway (though stella is definitely more striking).



there is good reason why a fanfic is labeled "angst". it shouldn't be approached within ten paces this early in the workday. my eyes prick with the threat of tears while the song in my ear winds down. great. mac is saying his last goodbye to his colleague and friend lying in the casket, at the same time jeff buckley is screaming "it's over."

thank heaven stella is actually alive and kicking ass into season 2. but i have to wonder, is it wise to be caught up in the fictional lives of the new york city police department, the las vegas crime lab, the diagnostics department of princeton-plainsboro teaching hospital? when has staying up until 11 or 12 ever done me good, even with my heart bursting with joy from the temporary escape?

or is life passing me by without me actually living it, except in my head?

Monday, October 31, 2005

just shoot me

this blog has been giving me a hard time. i can't count how many times i've edited the last entry for errors... in paragraph placement! i can't believe how that could happen.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

the little planet that could

a semi-sweet and not too mushy love story, or a quirky comedy. hidden treasures in a sea of mediocrity.

for several weeks i have constantly and consistently fed my evil indulgent little heart of one of its greatest pleaures -- a weekly date with that small colored box. and the greatest attraction was a doctor. no, make that doctors. call me weird, but i'm so fascinated by the pill-popping, wisecracking diagnostician named house. odd name for someone whose bedside manner is blatantly absent.

i've always been drawn to tv shows that make me think; though not the discovery channel kind of thinking, more like murder she wrote. and a lot of weird puns sure brighten up my day. remember the early years of picket fences and ally mcbeal, when david e. kelley is the main story writer? that's the kind of plot development and dialogue i go for. and for now, house m.d. seems to give me that same buzz. axn is showing its first season, now on the 10th episode, and so far i think i haven't missed a single one since it started. it's mainly about dr. house, played by hugh laurie (who played stuart little's father... uhm, i wouldn't have pegged him to be the same guy). house is this really great doctor and his main specialty is finding out what's exactly wrong with the patient -- which, if you watch the show, doctors seemed to have a hard time doing. he has this team of assistants, a hospital dean he always gets into verbal tussles with, and this unlikely friendship with the oncology department head. so what's the catch? house is very sarcastic. he has this way of saying stuff that is not for the weak of heart. and that is the main source of humor. check this out:

i am a bored(?) certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious diseases and nephrology. i'm also the only doctor employed at this clinic who is here against his will... but not to worry, because for most of you this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of motrin. speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this. this is vicodin. it's mine. you can't have any. and no, i do not have a pain management problem, i have a pain problem. but who knows? maybe i'm wrong. maybe i'm too stoned to tell. (ep. 1.02 occam's razor)

oh, i forgot. he pops vicodin because of his leg. i'll leave you to find out what happened to it. but what you'll notice immediately is that he uses a cane. so is he an unbearable sob because of it? i don't think so. he's an unbearable sob in spite of it. this is a guy we love to hate, but we can't, kasi kawawa naman. how ironic!
i'll end this with more house-isms to keep you guys interested (i hope). i won't tell who's who, i'll leave that for next time. or maybe you'll want to find out on your own.



but the philosopher jagger once said: "you can't always get what you want."



wilson: that smugness of yours really is an attractive quality.
house: thank you. it was either that or get my hair highlighted. smugness is easier to maintain.



sister eucharist: the sisters tend to interpret their diagnosis as divine intervention.
house: and you don't? then you're wearing an awfully funny hat.



foreman: what's wrong with you?
house: everyone knows what's wrong with me. what's wrong with him is much more interesting.



wilson: you know how some doctors have the messiah complex - they need to save the world? you've got the rubik's complex - you need to solve the puzzle.



and my personal quote for the day:
normally i would put on a festive hat and celebrate the fact that the earth has circled the sun one more time, i really did not think it would make it this year. darn it, if it was not the little planet that could all over again.

(sources? look at my gutter... whatever house sites you see there. i'm too lazy to specify which ones right now.)

Saturday, September 24, 2005

love, actually, is all around

a tribute to one of the best british comedies ever made

as usual, i spent last weekend getting my small screen fix. i now have a tv schedule for saturday and sunday nights. at 7 there's queer eye for the straight guy, then gilmore girls at 8, saturday night live at 9, and finally house at 10. sunday is csi marathon, and even if csi and csi: ny are yet to air new seasons, i'm still catching up with the old episodes. in a way i'm almost glad my dad is away for a few months so that i can keep to my schedule, not get banished to my aunt's tv -- or get him out of the couch myself. not good daughter behavior, i know.

but as i was channel surfing at almost 9 last sunday, i stumbled across an opening sequence of a movie on star and the studio canal credits struck a dormant memory.

goodbye, csi. hello, loveactually.



love actually is one of my all time favorite films. the first i heard of it was through entertainment news, and when i found out both hugh grant and colin firth were on it, i immediately put it on my wish list. then i saw the rest of the cast, and i was like, wow. this small british comedy isn't so small after all, when you see names like liam neeson, emma thompson and alan rickman (snape on harry potter). the film was directed by first-timer richard curtis, who had written the story, and was also known for co-writing the screenplay to bridget jones's diary. and rowan atkinson (mr bean), one of the regulars in curtis's films (think four weddings), also has a cameo (but surprisingly has top billing).

i was so excited about this film, even more so than when i first saw bridget jones, that i got the screenplay and the soundtrack even before the movie was shown. hence i know the story inside out, even the little sub-plots that didn't make the final cut. it was almost the same as watching the film over and over and over. and this before i even saw the finished product itself.

would you believe that last sunday was only the second time i saw the movie?



since this was a gp showing, i noticed a lot of cuts. one storyline was completely eliminated, which wasn't really explicit except that both characters met as stand-ins for actors in a porn movie. whoa. aside from that, a lot of the explicit language wasn't cut, and so i was relieved. somewhat.

but watching it for the second time, i realized why some people would be turned off by the multiple storylines -- it was confusing. what more if the john and judy story was included. later on i wondered, if i didn't know the story so well while i watched the movie for the first time, would i really understand it? i guess not. but some relationships between the individual stories were more obvious than others, and i would have got the general gist of it. the rest, i would have got them eventually.



romantic comedies (especially british ones) are my favorite kind, and love actually expectedly has the top points for the things i love in a movie. it has a great ensemble cast, which i also love, and multiple plots keep me really interested. my favorite story is about the pm and the assistant (hugh grant and martine mccutcheon). and while i was watching last sunday, i realized why. natalie (martine) is slightly conscious of her bigger built (like i am) but very pretty (like i am not). and here was this good-looking, intelligent, unattached guy who fell for her at first sight. the fact that he was her boss, the prime minister, wasn't a significant detail for her, but the situation was significant for him. as it turned out, david really went for natalie's type, so it wasn't just the proximity (though it did create some problems). and that despite his power, david really was just this awkward guy inside. and the endearing part is, when he finally got around to pursuing natalie, he didn't use his position.

their story drove home what real love can make you do. it can make you write a christmas card and admit your feelings without expecting something in return. it can make you knock on one hundred doors on the busiest night of the year, and do all sorts of things, just to get to that person you loved. maybe it is wrong to perpetuate that kind of idealistic thinking, but when you love, you should be prepared to do whatever it takes.



i recall greg behrendt's words when someone told him about the trope pinoy guys. he said something like if we wanted to settle for the shy guys, that's fine. but wouldn't it be better if the guy got up his courage and went after us?

maybe i get doubts whether my pride and my standards are too high. but i think i'll wait for the day when that someone who is worth my time will finally come along. and it will also be that someone that i am prepared to do anything for.

Monday, September 12, 2005

one bad trip

sometimes life just won't go the way you want it to. it doesn't stay bad all the time, it just seems that way. and when you're in that zone, even good things can pull a fast one. it's all in the mind.



a lot of people probably dream of bumming but don't really do it for extensive periods of time. and not having what you want probably increases the attraction a hundredfold. so you just settle for a weekend of spending quality time in front of the telly, even at the expense of good sleep. nothing beats the tiredness at the end of the day, the guilt at all the time wasted, the highs of pretending you got something out of it, and the simple joy of having your own way.


happiness is a perception. it reflects the relative value of something in our life. long-term happiness can mean that we really are getting much of what we wanted. or it could mean that we are not putting much importance on the things that are absent. but the small things that make us happy are just as significant. they get us through those sad times. they bring color into our drab lives. they give us hope that one day, there'll be more.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

feeling blue

i just hate that feeling when you think everyone is getting on with their lives and you're being left behind.

especially when it's someone you thought you really cared about.

yup, i really am a jealous person. with a capital J.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

be yourself

i love psych tests!

hey, see a link on my gutter that says rikrik adbentyurs? that's the blog of jugs (yeah, i know, itchyworms). and that's where i got the link to this pretty cool psych test. try it out, because the description it gave me fits me to a t.



ISFP

You're gentle and compassionate...open and flexible...considerate of others and do not for views and opinions on them. Often focus on meeting others needs...pleasant, quiet and kind....at their best ensuring others well-being. Caring and sensitive....modest and reserved..

OK...you enjoy subjects that relate to helping and knowing about people... art ... computers and history classes if these classes are taught with an applied, sensible approach.. and if objectives relate directly to everyday lives....

You're somewhat artistic, aren't you? You could probably post a great poem on the Storm Palace, huh? You dislike structure, because it takes away from your spontaneity and freedom. You like leisure, and seek it out. You savor it...probably say "stop and smell the roses"...You have a personal and humorous approach that is unique...

Patient and flexible..easy to get along with and no need to dominate others. You don't need to lead, and are a loyal follower...good team members... You're trusting and understanding...

Love to you is utter devotion and loyalty... when you first fall in love, you may feel consumed by it...."falling in love with love" ...focus on the romance of it all..you are constantly nourishing the relationship... When scorned, you probably retreat and repeatedly analyze the situation internally....When you let go finally, you can be more assertive again...

You organize things according to their personal and humanistic values. You like a work setting that contains cooperative people... leadership style involves personal loyalty as a means of motivating others... prefer team approach...likes to enjoy life...

Be careful of the following: you can lose out when you neglect your own needs. because you see others' needs so clearly, and because you're heavily motivated toward meeting others' needs, you may overlook your own requirements. You need to learn how to respect own needs more and to be assertive and direct with others in asking for their help and for time to take care of themselves.

You also lose out when you are afraid of conflict and mismanage it as a result. You take personal responsibility for conflicts and issues that in actuality belong to others. You become hurt and withdraw. Finally, you can lose out when you become self-critical, and do not appreciate your own accomplishments.

ISFP: "I Seek Fun & Pleasure" (amen!!!)

you can never have too much information. hehehehehe.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

all or nothing

kahapon nag-kwentuhan kami ni lei sa ym. wala lang, nagsasayang lang ako ng oras sa internet sa bahay. shempre napunta na naman ang usapan sa love life (san pa nga ba?) at ang masasabi ko lang ay... hayyyyy.



bakit nga ba nahihirapan ako sa love life ko? masyado bang mataas ang expectations ko? lagi na lang kasing meron akong makikilala na akala ko pwede na, pero patutunayan ng magdadaang panahon na wala pala akong binatbat. eh kasi parang ako na lang lagi ang nagkakagusto. sa tingin ko ok lang naman ako, pero sa tinagal-tagal ng panahon eh magtatanong ka na talaga kung ano ba'ng wala sa kin. ang labo kasi. siguro iba rin yung nararamdaman nung mga taong lagi na lang nasasaktan sa mga relasyon nila. pero buti pa nga sila naranasan nila na merong nagpahalaga sa kanila. ako, wala. well, hindi naman sa totally wala, pero lam nyo na ibig kong sabihin.

hindi ko rin maintindihan yung gusto mo yung tao pero hanggang don ka na lang. ako kasi kung gusto ko yung tao... hindi ko naman liligawan kasi conservative ako. pero ganon. siguro tama nga yung sabi nung mga kaibigan kong lalaki (tsaka nung mga regular audience ko dito) na pag talagang gusto ng lalaki eh liligawan talaga nya. ang lagay pala, if ever me gusto man sa kin sino man dun sa mga lekat na taong yon eh hindi nila ako ganon ka-gusto. ang sad di ba, parang lugi ako lagi. siguro nga hindi sila yung para sa akin, pero tulad nga ng sabi ko kanina, sa tagal ng panahon eh mag-iisip ka na talaga.

ako lang ba talaga yung me problema? siguro nga nag-e-expect din ako. pero ganun yata talaga ako eh. kasi nangyari na rin sa kin na hindi ko talaga gusto yung nagkagusto sa kin, kahit anong sabihin mo eh ayaw ko talaga. hindi ako pwedeng pilitin. at talagang iiwasan ko yon. hindi na rin siguro ganon ka-drastic ang reaction ko pero palagay ko hindi pa rin ako mapipilit. so pag gusto ko, gusto ko talaga. to the point na rin siguro na hindi na ako pragmatic mag-isip. at ang matindi, dun na lang iikot ang mundo ko.

ano na ba'ng gagawin ko? masaya nga ang buhay, enjoy, pero laging me kulang. usually kung sino man yung pinagtutuunan ko ng atensyon, pag wala sya lagi na lang kulang. kailangan ba talaga maranasan ko na magmahal talaga, yung hindi naghahanap ng kapalit? siguro nga puro selfish yung nararamdaman ko sa ibang tao. kasi hindi ko pa rin binibigay yung lahat kung alam ko na hindi ako papansinin. siguro pag alam kong hindi ako papansinin, pipigilan ko na lang para hindi ako mag-expect lalo, pero feeling ko naman ako yung may kulang...

it's the perfect ending

when will i really learn to let go?

i woke up and called this morning
the tone of your voice was a warning
that you don't care for me anymore

i made up the bed we sleep in
i looked at the clock when you creep in
it's 6 a.m. and i'm alone

did you know when you go
it's the perfect ending
to the bad day i was just beginning
when you go all i know is
you're my favorite mistake

well, your friends are sorry for me
they watch you pretend to adore me
but i'm no fool to this game

now here comes your secret lover
she'd be unlike any other
until your guilt goes up in flames

did you know when you go
it's the perfect ending
to the bad day i've gotten used to spending
when you go all i know is
you're my favorite mistake
you're my favorite mistake

well maybe nothin' lasts forever
even when you stay together
i don't need forever after
it's your laughter won't let me go
so i'm holding on this way

did you know, could you tell
you were the only one that i ever loved
now everything's so wrong

did you see me walking by?
did it ever make you cry?

you're my favorite mistake
you're my favorite mistake
you're my favorite mistake

you're my favorite mistake

-- sheryl crow, my favorite mistake

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

yeah, whatever

when you can't do anything with your life, you can always blog!

i'm hiding out in the school study area, afraid to cross my prof's path... hay. i never felt confident enough to face my prof, now look where it got me. nowhere. and fast. just over a week to go before judgement day. i don't know why i'm prolonging the agony... or on the other hand, why can't i pull myself together? i can do it. i can do it. i just can't see beyond that insurmountable roadblock. have i really gone as far as i could go? i think not. but in my mind is a big blank wall that i can't push myself through.



it's funny how life is sometimes. i don't know why god gave me something to think about, and think about it i did! just when i can't stand any more distractions, i keep getting hit by them. i dunno. i could look at it as a test, i suppose. and if that's the case, i flunked it big time like i might be flunking my paper. on the other hand, is it consolation for the lack of progress? like, because i feel like an underachiever, something in my life is finally going my way?

or is it the vehicle for finally putting my old problem (for lack of a better word) into its proper perspective? because honestly, all that confusion i've associated with that previous object has been totally replaced by this constant giddiness i feel (just ask my best friends). so maybe it wasn't a dead-serious thing after all, that "before" thing. because if it can be as easily replaced by something so trivial and lighthearted, it wasn't strong enough to pass the test. i dunno. time will tell, i guess.



i remember the day i rediscovered this song. i was thinking of someone else that time, but (at the back of my mind) out of the corner of my eye, i also saw that person who was just within reach. now all those "last" songs that i so loved (jeff buckley's last goodbye, keane's this is the last time, the sundays' here's where the story ends) have a different meaning, now that the person who was just there isn't there any more. and to quote another 80's hit,

i don't know how it happened, it all took place so quick. -- dire straits, your latest trick

something just happened. and i found out almost too late.



(by the way, the lyrics look ridiculous... but these are the best i could find. maybe this is how it really goes.)

i wanted to be with you alone
and talk about the weather
but traditions i can trace against the child in your face
won't escape my attention
you keep your distance with a system of touch
and gentle persuasion
i'm lost in admiration could i need you this much
oh, you're wasting my time
you're just wasting time

something happens and i'm head over heels
i never find out till i'm head over heels
something happens and i'm head over heels
ah don't take my heart
don't break my heart
don't throw it away

i made a fire and watching it burn
i thought of your future
with one foot in the past now just how long will it last
no no no have you no ambition
my mother and my brothers used to breathe in clean air
and dreaming i'm a doctor
it's hard to be a man when there's a gun in your hand
oh i feel so...

something happens and i'm head over heels
i never find out till i'm head over heels
something happens and i'm head over heels
ah don't take my heart
don't break my heart
don't throw it away

and this my four leaf clover
i'm on the line, one open mind
this is my four leaf clover
this is how time flies

-- tears for fears, head over heels

Monday, August 15, 2005

have a break

one week to go before strama deadline... can i make it?

before i start off on my quest for excellence, i just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head. as if!



i've always had difficulty dealing with boys. especially when my feelings are engaged. being the tomboy i am, i can always go the "one of the boys" route. but when i need to be different, and when one of those boys means something beyond friendship for me, i get all lost. i never really learned how to play that male/female thing. and being the real segurista person i am, i am appalled at the idea of even hinting that i feel something. it's not because i was this way before. it's just because i'd been burned really early in life, like when i was still in grade school. i know, kids are jerks sometimes. but when they grow up, sometimes they stay the same too.

i know all those cliches. no pain, no gain. no guts, no glory. but come on! the thing is, is good-natured teasing a good enough basis for taking a risk? i think not. i've waited this long to get involved, i think i deserve a louder knock on my door.

guys, i really need your help on this. i want concrete true-to-life advice. none of those stuff that serve my ego. how can i let him know he's ok with me without actually saying it? i think i've done my part, like not complaining when i get teased. the problem is, i don't feel chummy enough to ask him point blank about himself. we only had a relationship based on proximity, and not even that close in the first place. my best guy bud said that i'll know only when he's finally out of my life. the suspense is killing me.

Monday, August 8, 2005

q&a

i have a question. how do trackbacks work? what if i saw a blog entry on someone else's blog, and i want to write a whole commentary (not just a paragraph) based on that entry? obviously i've read the primer from the blog city admin, but i'm too lazy to look for the actual configuration... or how to get permissions and all that stuff. and honestly, i really don't have the time to do that right now. in fact, the last five minutes i spent writing this entry would have been better spent on something else. but that's just how i am.

Saturday, August 6, 2005

how to dismantle an atomic bomb

and the other solutions to pressing problems, like finding world peace and the cure for aids.

u2 always gives me a buzz. my favorite among their new songs is the current single, city of blinding lights. it's romantic pala, especially when you hear the chorus. my all-time favorite song is stay (faraway, so close), i think from achtung baby, i don't remember. the title suggests something romantic, right? and if you hear the melody, you would think it was. but i read the lyrics just a couple of weeks ago and i realize it was about domestic violence (i think). hahaha was i way off mark there.



so i was right all along. somewhere in this site i wondered how i was going to get over a major distraction, which at the time hadn't taken on massive proportions like that of a few weeks ago. what do you know? you fight off a distraction by getting distracted with something else! but make sure you have a deadline for that, so that the distraction does not become an object of obssession as well...

Thursday, July 28, 2005

too many reruns

axn aired csi's season finale just a few hours ago.

it was sooooo good.

and the funny thing about it is that you don't find many clues about the director until near the end, during the dream sequence. i read somewhere that there's no chance in hell quentin tarantino was giving up this episode after he read the script. and i'm glad.

back to the real world now.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

pathetic is as pathetic does

i have three songs in lss mode. the first one is coldplay's speed of sound. not that surprising with the airplay it's been getting, but considering the way i felt about the band before this record, it was a miracle. this is one song i loved from a band i hated (the other one is be yourself by audioslave). not that i'm changing my mind about the previous singles, i just changed my mind about the band. now i can be an authentic fan of brit music.

the next one is u2's sunday bloody sunday. it was almost two weeks ago when i met up with ness and i dropped over at tower to look at the merchandise. they are having a full blast promotion of the old u2 albums, and for the first time i listened to some live albums, which featured the song. it has a different sound when performed live, and i loved it.

the last one is an uncanny choice, constantly by vanessa williams. i kept hearing the song left and right because of nina and mymp, but it stuck because it describes partly what state i'm in right now. however much i try, i can't seem to avoid it. can't seem to think of anything else.

bits and pieces

blah blah blah

i keep trying but i can't seem to get it. not everyone is born to be a poet, i know. but sometimes i just want to be obscure and plain text just doesn't do it for me. sometimes i wonder how songwriters create something so structured and cohesive, even if a lot of these lyrics are cheesy. the mere fact that they're there speaks volumes about creativity, while i can hardly even think of a sentence without starting with the word "i".


the weekend has been a great time for me to just chill. not that i haven't been doing that for the last week, at the expense of my precious paper (hmmm, my precious? nyahahahahaha). i've been pampered here at home for the last 4 nights -- i decided to go home late on friday, partly due to practical reasons. i've been glued to the telly all weekend and catching up on my favorite shows: csi, queer eye, pimp my ride, even season 10 of friends. so i won't be whining about my paper coz it was my own fault anyway.


there are some things you just can't stop thinking about. for me, there's my strama paper. in fact, i wonder why it wouldn't write itself, when i can't seem to get it out of my mind. but there's something else that's competing for attention. and i wonder why i can't stop thinking about it either. is it because there's that uncertainty involved? as long as i know things aren't clear cut, there's still hope? i would be the first one to say that this kind of optimism is crap, but with these things, rational thinking never counts. i don't know. i guess if i were to tell this story to my cousin, his first response would be along the lines of "are you blind?????" or maybe, "are you out of your mind?????" because i'm sure, i would tell that to me if i could. i can't get past it, and there's no cure just yet.


and because of that, i've been reduced to looking up lyrics and singing them in my head, if only to relieve somewhat the duplicity i've had to engage in. it's really hard when you're new at this game. this was the reason i never messed with these things before. i am totally wary of taking risks, and i totally suck at coping with hurt. now i'm questioning the wisdom of steering clear of involvements because now i've had to begin too late in life. sometimes staying at the sidelines and viewing life from the outside doesn't really prevent you from getting hurt when it's time. is it really better to have avoided all that? maybe i wouldn't be as scared as i am now. maybe i wouldn't have been jaded with all that i didn't experience. maybe i would have been more discerning of where i am now, and i would have gone on to the next thing, instead of hanging on because this was the first time i even thought about taking a risk. maybe i wouldn't be wishing that my life is unemcumbered for the wrong reason.


i can't bear to think about what happens when this is over. i don't want to know the disappointment i will surely feel. that i wasted too much on what wasn't really a worthy cause. or did i even make much of an effort in the first place? too much time has been spent just to realize that i was wrong after all. essentially, i know that it will come if it was meant to be. but when half of me is convinced that it really will while the other half is equally convinced that it won't, it's pretty hard to decide which outcome i'll be hoping for. is the agony of not knowing the lesson i had to learn? it seems to me that i've spent my whole life in this particular agony, shouldn't i be learning a new lesson now? and even now, i'm disappointed that this agony had to be endured because of something that isn't even worthy of it. not that the subject is. but even if i feel strongly about it, what if it was really lukewarm in reality? what if i'm just being delusional? why can't my instincts show me where i really am?

why can't i quit while i'm ahead?

Saturday, July 23, 2005

sunday bloody sunday

times are rare when sunday seems like a real weekend. today there are no worries, no anxieties, no last-minute fuss. the whole day is devoted to the serious business of bumming, chilling out, and watching csi ny reruns, without having to think of waking up early tomorrow.

the weather isn't the best, but just cool enough to help me keep my mind on track. ha. that's funny. as if i would dare tell what nonsense i've been working on.

i can't believe the news today
oh, i can't close my eyes and make it go away

how long...
how long must we sing this song?
how long? how long...
'cause tonight... we can be as one tonight

broken bottles under children's feet
bodies strewn across the dead end street
but i won't heed the battle call
it puts my back up
puts my back up against the wall

sunday, bloody sunday
sunday, bloody sunday
sunday, bloody sunday
alright let's go

and the battle's just begun
there's many lost, but tell me who has won
the trench is dug within our hearts
and mothers, children, brothers,
sisters torn apart

sunday, bloody sunday
sunday, bloody sunday

how long...
how long must we sing this song?
how long? how long...
'cause tonight... we can be as one tonight...

wipe the tears from your eyes
wipe your tears away
i'll wipe your tears away
i'll wipe your tears away
oh, wipe your blood shot eyes

sunday, bloody sunday
sunday, bloody sunday
yeah let's go

and it's true we are immune
when fact is fiction and tv reality
and today the millions cry
we eat and drink while tomorrow they die

the real battle yet begun
to claim the victory jesus won
on...

sunday bloody sunday
sunday bloody sunday

-- u2, sunday bloody sunday