so little time...

i thought my absence from my blog community will remain unnoticed, and i was all set to drown myself in self-pity. fortunately last friday my best bud saved me from that predicament, and i suddenly remembered that i have been unproductive in the last 2 months.

the holidays brought on the usual round of parties and dinners with friends, as well as the dreaded midterms. and because i have achieved greater legitimacy in my line of work at the office, my department has been busy devising and revising our plans for our project launch. and my brain is so used up. hence i have not even devoted a significant portion of my time to my other problem, THE PAPER. the one thing that will ensure my graduation in august. and the one reason i managed to get a laptop loan (yippee!). which has not been put to its intended use as of now.

i've always had difficulty coping with pressure, especially one where i had to construct several sentences to prove my intelligence. and here i am blogging my last 20 minutes at the study hall, before the wireless lan from the library goes off. so much for priorities.

all mixed up

one disadvantage of discontent is the tendency to take on too many things at the same time.

i just realized that from now until next week, there are several things i must be able to accomplish:

1. finalize the yearbook layout (this is my high school yearbook, take note!)
2. finish my external and industry analysis for my strama (which i haven't even started)
3. for that matter, revise my introduction to clarify my strama topic (and have it approved, naman!)
4. study for two actuarial exams: social insurance on wednesday and group insurance on friday, which, as expected, i haven't studied for either
5. do my overdue perman assignment(s), due thursday
6. finally getting serious about my work project, since we now have a go-signal in the guise of the license purchase. this entails reviewing the proposed contracts, constructing forms, contracting an actuary, assessing the financial projections... the list goes on and on

this isn't a sudden brainwave, mind. i have realized a few weeks ago that i might have really bad scheduling issues. nevertheless, i have decided to invest time and money indiscriminately and now i cannot put my money where my mouth is. looking at the list above, i can only wonder at how i'm going to fit any of them in my schedule. or get the necessary research underway.

hay. what i wouldn't give for a laptop right now.

this is it

i knew it.

in the tradition of murphy's law, whatever can make my last term at school be as difficult as i can imagine, is starting to happen.

first is the new ruling for the final paper, with all sorts of deadlines and penalties, not to mention the possibility of failing the subject and postponing graduation to next year.

then, as expected, after several months of relatively idle activity at the office, i suddenly found myself being given so much responsibility in order to fast track our project that has been long delayed. add to that my unresolved confusion and ambivalence over the project in the first place. and to cap it all, my boss has finally taken the step into her future without us.

when i first signed up for this thing, i only thought that it would be a great challenge to pull it off. i never imagined that it would come to this conflict of time.

this is one of those times i wish i was back to the old days.

it's all in the mind

reaching the ripe old age of 26 can leave oneself in a constant state of reflection and introspection. case in point: pseudo-relationships.

for one who has had no experience in (real) romantic relationships, any and all incidents that remotely approach the possibility of one are subject to intense scrutiny and analysis, to the point that a minute matter (i.e., an impersonal message) brings vast differences in outlook and mood in a moment.

however, being reticent and careful by nature, nothing is revealed to any party where actions may be misconstrued to the effect that will bring about negative response, and cause loss of self-respect.

hence the battle for self-respect does not go beyond the mind. and within the mind is a mass of conflicting ideas that trigger various emotional dilemmas.

therefore, in the quest for self-respect there is also no commitment to the chosen course of emotional involvement, because no one is responsible for said implementation except for self. and because there is no outward indication of any decision made, except for any revelations to third parties.

---

in essence, it is difficult to let go of an attachment when one has not declared it in the first place.

good eats!

one of my favorite shows on the food network is alton brown's good eats. every episode he features one food item -- like tofu, for instance -- and tells its story in a very interesting manner. off-putting to some, maybe, but refreshingly different.

this is not a story on every food featured on good eats. but it is about good eats... the ones you encounter on that day when you least expect to celebrate food and the place that is highly suspect for hygiene. this is about the wonderful world of food you find on november first. at the cemetery.

when i started going to the catholic cemetery more than a decade ago, there is limited choice on offer. just the typical small-time carinderia fare like palamig, pineapple juice (di-takal syempre), banana cue, and the jack and jill fun snacks. at the time i rarely bought food from the stalls, usually i brought my own or i eat back at the house which is only a few minutes away. but now, the number of people in the cemetery just manning the food stalls can equal the number of visitors, any given time. and yesterday, i had the time of my life checking out the good eats.

at the cemetery entrance were the more popular food chains: mc donald's, pizza hut, doner durum (the local shawarma shop). a bit further is the purefoods stall, complete with the large skillet thing. here's where i got my bacon cheesedog sandwich and canned soda. but scattered on every remaining available space are the stalls selling proven, kwek kwek, squid balls, fish balls, even papu's siomai (one of uplb's most popular street food). i helped myself to a few bags of crispy chicken skin, only my mom's caution stopped me from getting the proven as well. of course, there are still the vendors selling the good old palamig and junk food, but with more choices than ever before. not to mention the people going around hawking chicharon, mani, kasoy, and "dirty" ice cream. and do you know that mc donald's has joined the bandwagon, offering their 20-peso burger mc do on foot?

long ago i shared the conservative sentiment that the celebration of all saints' day should be solemn and quiet -- meaning, none of the music, laughter, and the food. but times are different now. and i've learned that death should not be a mourning of a life's end, but a celebration of a life lived. it is not the dead that celebrate this occassion, it is the living. and as long as we keep faithful to the meaning of this day -- a day of remembrance and of faith in the afterlife -- who's to say that we can't enjoy it as well?

the aftermath

really, i am never satisfied. i swore i would never do it again, and there i was. just because i heard the prof say that he was gonna pick up the papers on saturday morning.

backtrack: on friday night the paper was not even half done. sure i have all the research ready and web pages saved in my trusty flash drive. at eight i went to the school library, hoping to get myself in the mood (and get half the paper done in an hour would you believe?). but no, i ended up surfing. sure, i was looking up the share price of RIM and the website of the bureau of treasury, which wouldn't load. every excuse i could think of... pretending to work on my paper when i really am not.

at quarter to nine i resigned to the fact that i am so bushed. i had slept only three hours the night before and i am not functioning normally. i ended up at powerplant, sat on a bench watching passersby, and contemplated my next move. no, i would not go to press cafe and eat my blues away. no, i'm not going window shopping. so i just sat there. until i decided to get a cup of my favorite black cherry mocha at seattle's before i finally went home.

i got back to the dorm at past ten, and settled myself at the head of the dining table. i didn't even go up to my room to get dressed, i just scattered my papers and prepared to write. but not a word came out of my head. damn. massive mental block. i couldn't make sense out of my report! i ended up doing other stuff, like cleaning up my room and watching tv. and napping in front of the tv.

three a.m.! is that the time? omg i have to get out of here. i have to go to the computer shop and get it done by seven. so, finally, i got hold of my wandering mind and got down to business. i was panicking by 6.59, but i knew i was near the finish line. by 8.30 i was ready to print. i kept scaring myself with the thought that i would see an empty pigeonhole when i got to school, or worse, i would cross paths with my prof on the way up. fortunately none of that happened; all the papers i saw last night were still there, and i didn't even have a glimpse of the prof. so i rewarded myself with a breakfast at gram's before preparing for my long journey home.

lessons? i kept going back to the fact that i didn't have my own laptop, so i can carry it anywhere and do my thing in a conducive environment (like the library on thursday instead of going back home). but on friday i was ready to settle for a good old desktop in my room. imagine if i had to do this every time i have a paper due for strama class. it would be a nightmare! of course, i also realize that it's not the things i don't have that hinder me, though a laptop would really be a great help. i have to change my habits, and i mean major overhaul. i can just imagine what this next term is going to be like...

cramming, part 2

just imagine me banging my head now...

cramming my heart out

another day wasted.

today i availed my birthday leave. i really wanted to have it tomorrow but i let my boss make the choice, so here i am. and this day i am supposed to make huge progress on my final paper. which is due tomorrow. and which i haven't even started.

don't get me wrong, i have lots of ideas floating in my head. and i'm not one of those mba students who space out during class. in fact this is one of the best subjects i've ever taken, even compared to my undergrad math series (another subject altogether). but i've always had this tendency to leave anything waiting till the last minute. procrastinator is my middle name.

so, you might ask, why is a fairly paranoid mentally blocked grad student blogging instead of doing her paper?

typical excuse no. 1: i'm waiting for the PSE charts to upload (which i just noticed was not uploading properly).

typical excuse no. 2: i just saw my other blog site, not to mention my friends' blog sites, and my creative juices are flowing.

typical excuse no. 3: i am disturbed by the fact that i can't log on to my other blog site, and i am looking for an excuse to rant.

typical excuse no. 4: this is what i am, what i have been for so many years now, and what i will be in the future short of a miracle. expectations are fulfilled.

i still remember when i rushed a paper a few terms ago. i ended up staying in the office until past 10 and talking to god the whole time on my way to school. luckily for me the guards allowed me to get in, and the faculty room was still open. and i vowed never to repeat that experience.

hopefully from all the times i came close to missing my paper deadlines, i've learned my lesson. or instead i could just bang my head against the wall 10 times and get better results.

birthday bash

i just love october. every time i get within a few weeks to my birthday, i'm occupied thinking of all the things i want to do on that day (or week). like where i'd treat my best buds, or whether we'll go dancing or just hang out at some coffee shop. or who else i'll see or bump into while i'm out there.

however, it seemed that i was bound to be disappointed this year. my best friend (who is now also my roommate) is going on a trip up north, while my next closest friend has training scheduled every weeknight. we can't even go out all together on friday nights. so the day after my birthday i finally called my best male buddy and got him to go with me to the klite anniversary concert at the fort.

after bingeing on grilled eats, we took a short walk over to pier one and found true faith warming up the crowd. wow, i so loved that band! as there wasn't a large number of people we got great spots at the front. which was good thinking on our part because the next band was river maya. i had a great time singing along to the old songs, even if i'm not a great fan. by the time their set was done i had developed a fine crush on... hahaha! secret!

we stayed a little longer, watching hourglass (sans egay), bridge, and mojofly, before deciding to call it a night. we have also consumed 6 beers between the two of us, needless to say we had to call a halt to get home in one piece. as it was we were already acting like college kids... and bemoaning the fact that we aren't kids any more. do you know that walking at the fort at midnight is almost like strolling at lb? hmmm...

i really missed my late teenage years... i have always accepted that i'm a college kid at heart. and i'm glad that i got to indulge in one of my favorite things -- listening to great music -- for my birthday. a really cheap gimik (well, if you didn't count the dinner) with a friend who enjoyed it as much as i did, if not more. the ultimate celebration of life.

now, if i could only meet that guy...

games people play

it's friday and i've done with lunch. i should be at my desk right now doing my long-overdue assignment at work. but nooooo, i'm blog-hopping. and in the course of that occupation i encountered a quiz: which file extension are you? having been a sucker for quizzes and tests of any sort i followed the link and resigned myself to my fate.

want to take the test? click here:

Which File Extension are You?

too much time on my hands

because i view a lot of blogs in this server and i get tired of typing my url everytime, i created my own blog. a really brilliant reason to get an extra blog.

check out my original blog: http://politicsaside.blog-city.com

quoteable quotes

i had to dig deep into my inbox for this one...

i was having a text message marathon with a friend of mine, who mentioned that he was always sleepy. this was my reply:

"ang antukin... kulang sa tulog."

then i remembered why i was also sleepy that day:

"ang antukin... insomniac."

such is the product of a stagnating mind and a really boring afternoon.

words of wisdom

sometimes, in the course of conversation (especially when i'm wearing my advice columnist hat), i come up with a string of gibberish that becomes a manifestation of genius. i have to admit, a lot of them are unintentional, serendipitous, and at times induce stomach pains (from laughing so hard). but a lot of them are now gone forever from memory, and only a few are remembered.

so now, i'm starting a new series in my blog, to immortalise these gems forever, until the server of my blog host crashes.

Always remember that if a person loved you once, even after a hundred years, that love will still be there but the person will always deny it.

one little candle

last night i attended a seminar/workshop promoting the new community service initiative (for lack of a better description) of the university. being graduate students, the university officials made a special pitch to us (those were their words, honest); apparently this has been implemented in the undergrad campus some time ago. this is a potentially large undertaking for the school, and judging from the concessions they made (we had no classes for a week just so we'd attend either of the two scheduled sessions), it is being given top priority. not that you'd expect less when it comes to serving the country.

in spite of the headache i was nursing, the boredom, the discomfort whenever you're stuck someplace and forced to listen, i still enjoyed the activity. more importantly, i was reminded of my civic and patriotic duty, as i'm sure all the other students were. in the small-group workshop that followed, some of us shared our ideas on what a typical graduate student can do, individually and as an organized group. some of these ideas might be trite or overused, while others have switched on the proverbial light bulb in our minds. i guess the objective here is inspiring all of us into thinking that we can do something, thereby creating the mindset. and once that mindset is ingrained, it is easier for us to do all these activities because we are compelled by our own values.

i think every citizen of this land, no matter how selfish or ignorant he may be, wants our country to come out of these troubled times. it is evident in the way we complain about our system, the way we worry about the peso-dollar exchange, the way we criticize our politicians. we all have some grand ideas about turning this country around, but it's hard to imagine how to do it knowing ourselves and knowing how others act. i agree with the premise that what we need right now is a constant bombardment of the conscience. when we reach a certain mindset, together, then we can implement programs more effectively. we can start small. and we can start with ourselves.

---

i was walking along the corridor after the workshop, still feeing ambivalent, inspired, and challenged at the same time, when i saw a banner at the opposite wall. i thought it was an omen, especially after the last blog i posted.

it said: mediocrity is not an option

surviving the quarter life crisis

much has been said about the midlife crisis -- the state of panic associated with the realization that one's life is half over. not to be left behind is the more relevant quarter life crisis -- the younger generation's all-encompassing state of confusion, pertaining to the realization that one is not omnipotent, omnipresent, or immortal after all.

one month from now i am going to be a year older. based on actuarial assumption my life would have been one fourth over, and i can now be described as in my late 20's. i have never been ashamed or reticent about my age, though that may be because of my relative youth, and i'm not afraid of getting older. i am, however, afraid of getting older without any sense of achievement, purpose or meaning.

thus begins the realization that i have spent the last year or so in the aptly-named quarter life crisis.

gripe number one. last year i made good use of my belatedly-acquired freedom. rarely has a week gone that i did not go out and while the hours away in some bar, cafe or other such watering hole. on occasion i have also gone with my classmates to dinners and nights out after class. a change in work environment also provided me with a new and expanding set of friends, some of whom would take me to other places i never dared go. but even if it seemed that i had every opportunity laid out before me, it never did give me one thing i have long gone without. being a bona fide card-carrying member of the nbsb club (if you have to ask, i swear i'm gonna kill someone). i could only wonder how my suddenly active social life did not translate to a dating life as well. it was like everyone i had met was either uninteresting, uninterested, or a girl. after all i had done, my love life is a big fat zero. nada. zilch.

gripe number two. being in my third year at graduate school also means that i'm getting nearer to that dreaded strama paper. in fact, i'm scheduled to take the subject starting november. darn. now i wonder if what i learned in the past two years is enough. and i also doubt whether i can overcome my natural tendency for mediocrity.

gripe number three. when i took my present job i knew there was a great degree of uncertainty. however i decided that the experience i will be getting (not to mention the compensation) was worth the uncertainty. now i found myself getting too comfortable and i don’t know if i will ever get over my complacency, or if i can ever rise to a challenge when i get thrown a curved ball.

despite all appearances, namely a fairly busy social life, progress at school, or promotion at work, i have also become vulnerable to quarter life crisis. worse, i have doubts whether all i have worked for even amounted to anything significant. will i ever go back to the level of industry i had been on before? or is it really my nature to be so lazy?

sentimental overdose

last night i finally saw the notebook. the movie, silly -- not the school supply. and i wouldn't have seen it if not for a few well-masked bribes and persuasion. you see, i'd heard from somebody that it's a five-hankie movie. and my pragmatic facade protests over too much drama.

i wasn't surprised when my best friend asked for some tissues like half an hour into the movie (i had to give her my handkerchief). i was reasonably skeptical when my other friend (who was a guy) kept muttering jokes to himself at possible mini-climactic scenes. and i was privately amused when the guy sitting beside me (and who was not a companion) started sniffing and (gasp!) wiping his eyes. but when it came to the crunch, i betrayed the truth about my hopeless-romantic sentimental nature and broke down. yep, i meant it. not just a few tears shed or a few sniffs. but i so did not bawl. that would be too much.

afterwards, you would think we'd been watching a comedy from rise and fall of laughter you'd hear. from everyone. and no, it wasn't because of some blooper scenes shown at the end. we'd all been laughing at the way we'd succumbed to the drama. and laughing hysterically. i'm sure i wasn't the only one who had a male seatmate who shed a few tears. or who had to borrow my own hankie back because i was so overcome with emotion.

so when my best friend and i got home, after hearing her wax enthusiastic about the story and my other friend sarcastically pointing out that we'd been had, i thought i had enough for one night. but nooooooo. i had to ask for more punishment. as if reading can ever be that for me.

my best friend bought a novel two weeks ago, the newest title of one of my favorite authors. i had converted her into a fan when i lent her two of my better titles. but i was taken by surprise when it finally sank in that she has only read four chapters in the whole two weeks she's had the book. my curiosity was piqued. i had never been able to resist the books i had bought for more than a weekend, especially if they're romance novels. and i considered it as a challenge. at 11.15 last night i dared myself to finish the book during the night. for however long it took to read the whole thing.

and the result? i sent a text message to two of my friends when i had just finished reading and was still unable to sleep. the time was 5 am.

last goodbye (coffee, anyone? part 2)

i had planned to include this song in part one. but that had become too long, and i didn't want to spoil it with more meaning than it could handle. this song was significant enough to merit its own story. unlike some of the songs already featured here, this one ranks right up there at the top of my list. for all time.

i distinctly recall hearing this song sometime during the night, i just don't remember if that was the first time i'd heard it. i was in college then, my radio was almost always tuned to nu, and my usual favorites were songs from the so-called "alternative" rock that was at its peak at the time. but when i heard the catchy bass riff and the sentimental melody, i was forever hooked.

a few years later, i saw a cameron crowe film that was too confusing for the average moviegoer's consumption. but in the middle, in that pivotal moment in the protagonist's story, i heard the vaguely familiar haunting intro. and i marveled at cameron crowe's affinity with music. (later in the film, another song evoked the same emotion from me -- todd rundgren's version of can we still be friends. and if you haven't guessed it yet, the movie was vanilla sky.)

in the years that passed i hear the song from time to time, always eliciting the same emotions from me: anticipation, euphoria, and loneliness. it was almost too poignant for words, and tragic to boot. the brilliantly insightful man who created it has already died, in a rather unusual manner. and this all happened before i even got hold of the song.

then came august 30th. the hosts of the morning brew were as usual soliciting suggestions for the next day's playlist. the theme was the word "last", or anything in the title that connotes an ending. as expected, this was the first thing that popped into my mind. apparently it was what they had in mind as well, because when i told them through text that i was seriously lobbying for this song to be included, it was already a shoo-in after all.

what do you know? the next day gave me another meaning to attach to this song.

---

last goodbye
jeff buckley

this is our last goodbye
i hate to feel the love between us die
but it's over
just hear this and then i'll go
you gave me more to live for
more than you'll ever know

this is our last embrace
must i dream and always see your face
why can't we overcome this wall
well, maybe it's just because i didn't know you at all

kiss me, please kiss me
but kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation
you know it makes me so angry 'cause i know that in time
i'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye

did you say 'no, this can't happen to me,'
and did you rush to the phone to call
was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind
saying maybe you didn't know him at all
you didn't know him at all, oh, you didn't know

well, the bells out in the church tower chime
burning clues into this heart of mine
thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memories
offer signs that it's over... it's over

coffee, anyone?

it has been more than two weeks now. i didn't think i could move on so quickly. now i only feel the sadness for something that will never be. but i've already accepted the event that was inevitable but had come too soon.

the date was august 31. the time: 7.15 am.

it was the last episode of the morning brew with vitto and mylinda.

---

that day was a bit hectic for me. i had to submit my midterm paper and i was no way near done, even after a late night jotting down ideas. when my pseudo roommate woke me up at 6.30 i almost rushed into the shower. not only because i wanted to get to the office early to get my creative juices flowing.

at 7.00 i turned up the volume of the radio, eagerly awaiting the morning brew playlist. a few minutes later i finally discovered the significance of the theme.

in the immortal words of r.e.m., it was the end of the world as i knew it.

---

everything, including my midterm paper, faded into nonexistence. my ears and my whole being was focused on the radio, on the people who have been my morning companions for the last two years. the voices who have been both alarm clock and snooze button. the mine of information and the source of great laughs. the best specimens of state-funded collegiate education on local fm radio. the pair that is obviously intelligent, witty, amusing, and definitely not irritating. (i know, i know... i'm going to therapy already. just kidding.)

every word, every hint of emotion took a life of its own in my mind. the aptly titled "last playlist" became especially significant. and in true morning brew fashion, it began with an obscure theme called "the final countdown", and included songs many listeners like myself knew and loved. it was perfect. the runaway winner was the song i had begged to be included (vito actually read my message on the air the day before). i had felt it was most fitting, actually. and i think they both loved it as much as i did.

---

it was gratifying and depressing at the same time listening to the last time i would hear my all-time favorite djs on air together. the onslaught of messages for the playlist was testimony to the number of lives they have touched in the two years they took over the morning slot. i had a feeling they finally gave in to their seldomly-revealed schmaltziness, anyway it was their last day. the moment i recognized the athenaeum song played, i realized the extent of vito's influence on my preferences (what i didn't know and 311's amber became fast favorites). i waited with bated breath for them to play a clair marlo song (something i had in common with mylinda), but i guess it would have been just too depressing. vito introducing tori's special request made me realize they were the only show i knew where the traffic reporter was a regular participant. and mylinda going on about running overtime with eric waiting to get on board brought back the moments when i wished the show didn't end.

---

but it did that day, for the last time. it wouldn't be an exaggeration to claim it was as if part of my self was taken away from me forever. false modesty aside, i knew that i as a listener had a part in what the show had become in those two years. being a very active listener, i had invested considerable time, effort, and money (in the form of mobile phone bills) and made that show my own. as all the other loyal listeners have made it their own as well. and i knew, though to a lesser extent, how vito and mylinda felt when they had to let go of their baby. it's always sad to say good bye to a worthy creation.

how to have a good day

this was the question asked by a certain instant coffee product in a radio promo. my favorite djs would ask a specific question everyday and enjoin listeners to text in their responses.

to my surprise i found i have an answer after all.

my best guy friend recently gave me a cd compilation of a whole mine of songs, from nirvana to dido to dashboard confessional. but i specifically requested two songs to be included. these songs i never could get enough of, having requested them on the morning brew over and over on consecutive days. and yesterday i discovered to what extent i can't get enough of them.

imagine this. last tuesday i came to work a few minutes late. since i was the first one in my department to arrive i played one song on a loop and it remained on almost the whole day. then again yesterday, from the time i left my aunt's office (where we met for breakfast) until i took a break for lunch. and while i waited for my friends at the mall last night. and right before i went to sleep.

if ever there was a song made to jumpstart your day, this is the one.

---

311, amber
(nick hexum)

brainstorm
take me away from the norm
i got to tell you something
this phenomenon
i had to put it in a song
and it goes like

whoa amber is the color of your energy
whoa shades of gold displayed naturally

you ought to know what brings me here
you glide through my head blind to fear
and i know why

whoa amber is the color of your energy
whoa shades of gold displayed naturally

whoa amber is the color of your energy
whoa shades of gold displayed naturally

you live too far away
your voice rings like a bell anyway

don't give up your independence
unless it feels so right
nothing good comes easily
sometimes you gotta fight

whoa amber is the color of your energy
whoa shades of gold displayed naturally

launched a thousand ships in my heart
so easy
still it's fine from afar
and you know that

whoa brainstorm take me away from the norm
whoa i got to tell you something

lyrics taken from the official 311 website, www.311.com

the choices we don't make

part 6 of the philosophical discourses on the subject of waiting

...though the air speaks of all we'll never be, it won't trouble me...

but it does.

just when i thought allowing myself to feel was hard enough, something else looms in the horizon.

and this time, it wasn't my decision to make.

the only choice i can make is whether to give up or suffer in silence.

as usual, the most likely outcome is obvious. the question is how long.

---

... it won't matter now, whatever happens will be...

fine. i don't care any more what i really feel. what i do care about is how painful it will get until the situation resolves itself.

until then, there's nothing else to do but wait.

waiting. how i'm getting to hate the word.

nothing's so loud
as hearing when we lie
the truth is not kind
and you've said neither am i
but the air outside so soft is saying
everything
everything

all i want is to feel this way
to be this close, to feel the same
all i want is to feel this way
the evening speaks, i feel it say

nothing's so cold
as closing the heart when all we need
is to free the soul
but we wouldn't be that brave i know
and the air outside so
soft, confessing everything
everything

all i want is to feel this way
to be this close, to feel the same
all i want is to feel this way
the evening speaks, i feel it say

and it won't matter now
whatever happens will be
though the air speaks of all we'll never be
it won't trouble me

all i want is to feel this way
to be this close, to feel the same
all i want is to feel this way
the evening speaks, i feel it say

and it feels so close
let it take me in
let it hold me so
i can feel it say

-- toad the wet sprocket, all i want