moving out

my day so far: normal, with permeating lethargy and illusion of no worries, but with an atmosphere of impending doom... or at least, last-minute chores and panic attacks due to unresolved and unfinished tasks.

my mind so far: not working at any speed. except for this.

my body so far: a bit tired, due to a late night and the consequent attachment to my very comfortable bed and jammies.

my heart so far: after my very recent close encounter and subsequent communications (which further enhanced the lingering effects of the close encounter), currently developing an inclination for further contact. and gradually acquiring a sense of deprivation for said company. we'll see in 3 days if it again develops into a massive case of craving with accompanying disgust for self.

my life so far: as i have already said, i've been struck by an unending case of sluggishness. now my world has been turned upside down in an instant. i'm moving back to my old office. actually, my whole department is. it's something we've always had at the back of our minds every time we had to face the gruelling travel going to and from head office. now that it's finally happening, without any warning, i'm bolstered by the thought of all the ways my life has been made easier. less traffic in the morning. walking distance to the banks. a few minutes away from the malls. getting to my monday class on time for once. going back home to change for a gimmick. and going home to lb without much hassle.

but as with every change, there are things i'll certainly miss. the unlimited internet access (blogging won't be as frequent as before). the ym chats with friends. the constant surfing at friendster. although i think it's also propitious in order to resolve my distraction at work. and belatedly i realized that i have lots of friends in this office after all. and they're the ones who are in the same boat at work as i am, so they know where i'm coming from. i'll certainly miss their company, especially the one in our barkada who will be left behind, and the two who were my partners in crime at team building weekend. and the people who i wish i'd gotten to know much better. (sigh. they're so cute.)

so it's now past 3.30. i haven't done any work today. in a few minutes my computer will be dismantled and i may be silent... for a long time.

me and my sad, sad life

today is thursday. just beyond the middle of the week. i have not done anything earthshaking so far. to be truthful, i'm not even sure if i've done even a day's worth of work in the last three days.

for several weeks i have tried (and failed) to feel a sense of urgency. i come in and stare at the monitor for hours on end, opening documents and files then at the end of the day closing them without making any changes. the last two weeks have been worse. my apathy has been coupled with sorrow and disorientation. in effect i have been further distracted. and became a blubbering idiot with an undefined urge to write an indefinite number of self-serving commentaries on my pathetic existence. this being one of them. the only bright spots in my humdrum life would be quitting time, the infrequent phone calls, my standing morning appointment with the radio, and the rare appearance of a certain group of people. after which i would revert to my old lonely existence, at times much worse off for having been in close contact with the object of my affection. which is likely to happen again tomorrow.

try as i might to break the habit, i find myself as deeply entrenched in the rut as before. when is this going to end?

moving on

for one last time...
... i will wait impatiently, hoping to hear from you
... i will bear in mind to curb my curiosity
... i will savor the rush of anticipation
... i will keep my serenity as i watch out for you
... i will smile when i see you
... i will admire your wit
i will share your sentiments
i will banter and argue knowing that i never win
... i will live the delusion that you're having a good time, like i am
... i will talk incessantly, thinking you're hanging on my every word
... i will worry and fret until i know you're safe
... i will dream of all we could have done and all we might have been because this is where it ends.

tomorrow, a new day is coming and with it everything changes.

tomorrow...
... all channels will be severed
all reminders will be hidden
all traces will be erased
... i will rebuild the walls around my heart and keep it locked out of sight
... when i think of you, it will not be with longing but with regret as i watch our friendship shrivel from neglect
... i will not hold out my hand and pull you to safety
but if you build a bridge to reach me i might decide you were worth the wait after all.

random thoughts

i don't want to wait for our lives to be over
i want to know right know what will it be
i don't want to wait for our lives to be over
will it be yes or will it be sorry

-- paula cole, i don't want to wait

---

talk about a fine line between love and hate
we've lost more than our direction of late
talk about a fine line between lovers and friends
we've never been lovers and now we're not even friends
in this invisible war, seems we're waging an invisible war
every day i seem to lose you more in this invisible war

-- julia fordham, invisible war

---

everyone keeps asking, what's it all about?
i used to be so certain and i can't figure out
what is this attraction? i only feel the pain
there's nothing left to reason and only you to blame
will it ever change?
cause i am barely breathing and i can't find the air
i don't know who i'm kidding imagining you care
and i could stand here waiting a fool for another day
i don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price
the price that i would pay
but i'm thinking it over anyway

-- duncan sheik, barely breathing

---

yesterday, i was feeling safe
all i do today is trying to be brave
and no melody can seem to soothe my mind
and now i curse you for being so sweet and so kind

-- d'sound, tattooed on my mind

playing the waiting game

something i seem to be doing most of the time is waiting. for the working day to be over. for my next paycheck. for the bus, the jeep, the mrt or fx. for my eternally late friends. but most (and longest) of all for love. this is for every time i've ever waited for someone to become what i wanted him to be. and waited in vain.

i've spent too much time
waiting for you in vain
i can't hear your voice
although i call your name
i can't go on but i still hang on just the same

i've spent endless nights
crying you name out loud
but still remain
alone in an empty crowd
as time goes on i realize you'll never change

i say a prayer
i count the hours
i hear a voice but it's not yours
i count the score
i can't go on playing the waiting game

if you should ever change your mind
i'll be there just call my name
until then i'll be playing the waiting game

i've waited too long
wishing my life away
convincing myself
tomorrow you'd change your ways
i can't go on but i still hang on just the same

i say a prayer
i count the hours
i hear a voice but it's not yours
i count the score
i can't go on playing the waiting game

if you should ever change your mind
i'll be there just call my name
until then i'll be playing the waiting game

all you left me was emptiness
now everyday seems the same
you've gone but i'm still playing the waiting game

i've waited too long for you to change your ways
playing the waiting game

if you should ever change your mind
i'll be there just call my name
until then i'll be playing the aiting game

all you left me was emptiness
now everyday seems the same
you've gone but i'm still playing the waiting game

-- swing out sister, waiting game

troubled mind

it's a beautiful day... not.

since yesterday i've been feeling ambivalent and restless. i'm all set to work on my deliverables but i keep getting distracted. it's like i'm waiting... and waiting... and waiting... but for what? it wasn't as if i was expecting anything to happen.

this has been the second week i've been feeling peculiar, not really my normal carefree self. i've been taking things much too seriously and i get bogged down. i've had to rely on other people to talk sense into me. and other people's words and actions affect me too much, it's becoming unhealthy. it's like my happiness at one particular moment depends on somebody else. and i'm hating it. i feel so helpless.

there have been times in the past that i've been so moody, i even wallowed in it. but this time, it wasn't what i wanted. i want to get over it. but feelings are so contrary, you really can't control them. and even if you rationalize them, they're still there, bugging you.

what makes feelings distinct from thoughts? essentially, thinking is how we acknowledge and assess our feelings. so why can't we change our feelings by changing our thoughts? why can't i think my way out of this nonsense?

taking chances

how to get to your mid-20s and still maintain your ignorance

1. fear

the sources of distress in our lives are always linked to some form of fear: fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of commitment, to name a few. meanwhile everything we celebrate is a triumph over fear. so why do we always succumb to fear? are not human beings supposed to be of advanced intellect? yet it proves to be no match to the irrationality of fear. and so instead of actively promoting our welfare, we always hold back. and thus we remain in the dark.

2. courage

everyone is made up of a healthy dose of fear. yet we also contain a sufficient shot of courage. somebody once said: courage is not the absence of fear. apparently, it is true. because while we fear one thing, we can also face another. it is a paradox often found in life. courage can be used sparingly and unwisely at times, for blind courage can lead to more harm than good. and in so knowing, we keep ourselves even from discreet exercise of courage. and thus we end up not using it at all.

3. truth

truth is far from being absolute and complete. for in the paradox of life, what maybe true in one instance can be the opposite in another. often there is a mix of both sides of the story that make up the real truth but because of our limitation as imperfect beings, we can only perceive one facet of the truth and deign it to be absolute. thus when we are apprised of another facet that we cannot comprehend, we cannot accept it without an open mind.

4. taking chances

fear can inhibit
brazenness can injure
and truth can distort
and we take chances no more.

sharing blessings

a few days ago, my horoscope advised me to "spread my wealth" to my friends. seems to me i have been doing that for the past month or so. not literally (although i have done it a few times as well) but i have been busy this past month just by being a friend to other people.

first off, there's the friend i'm helping with her strategic management paper. as in really helping ha. although she's done a lot of work on her own and with other people, we had to work some figures to support her strategy. and it was not easy, knowing i had little experience in actuarial and sales forecasting. but i guess i contributed my knowledge in numbers-crunching (translation: pandodoktor ng data hehehe). the funny thing is, another classmate asked for help in his strama paper! fortunately he only validated his opinions and we didn't have to go through all that stuff i did with the other.

the second thing is one of my pet hobbies, giving advice to the lovelorn. i happened to catch up with a friend of mine from way back, with really uncanny timing. he was on the so-called fork on the road to his happiness; not knowing whether to maintain the status quo or to finally break free from his attachment. the hard part was getting him to take a stand, being the confused person that he is right now. and staying objective, because i had to shift paradigms to give him the complete picture. and just like in the previous case, i encountered another sad story just today. another one of my friends is experiencing love problems of her own, although this time the decision is pretty much obvious. and not less painful.

now having done my good deeds to others who need my help, when will i be able to do my good deed to the one who needs it most -- myself? but then, a doctor can hardly be expected to diagnose himself. so ate helen really can't come to my rescue now.

time

for my best bud, in these turbulent times

it is not a thing to be held or to be kept
but it can be cherished

and when it passes we cannot see it
nor can we keep it from its path

it is not a thing
but it tells so much

and while you fear that not seizing the moment will rob you of your desires
on the contrary, time will show you exactly what you need and want
and a view from a distance gives a more comprehensive perspective

be not afraid of time or distance
for patience is a valuable virtue
and a love that endures is the love worth having

still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
still a little hard to say what's going on

still a little bit of your ghost your witness
still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
you step a little closer each day
and i can't see what's going on

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

still a little bit of your song in my ear
still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer to me
so close that i can't see what's going on

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to cry
so come on courage!
teach me to be shy
'cause it's not hard to fall and i don't want to scare her
it's not hard to fall and i don't wanna lose
it's not hard to grow
when you know that you just don't know

-- damien rice, cannonball

a fun-filled day

my muscles are killing me.

two days after my marathon fully-booked sports-filled hungover friday. it's just one of those days that i wanted to do so many things... if only traffic permits. and it's the one day i shouldn't have done it because i'd been running on too much borrowed steam.

my day started waking up at 6 in my former officemate's unit. i was helping her with her strama, and i stayed up till past midnight. i had no real problem waking up, it's just getting out of there and getting back to my place that bothered me. luckily i found enough change to make the two jeepney rides to my place. no need to take a cab yet... that problem comes a little bit later.

got home in good time and luckily (again) got a slot in the shower. i'd already prepared all my stuff, even my work clothes, so it was a breeze getting out again. now my problem is having enough change for cabfare... i had money but it's 500 bucks! what to do? so i walked to the pandesal bakery a few blocks over and bravely (but truthfully) answered the question, "wala ka bang smaller bill?" "wala po." a sheepish smile and a thank you later i hailed a cab to go meet my aunt. sana wala pa siya sa meeting place namin.

fast-track to rcbc... the venue of my weekly breakfast with my aunt. after getting settled i called her on the mobile. this had to be the one day that she is late. usually it was me, and i get a few dark looks from her after offering my flimsy excuses. well, she's my aunt so i can't really get mad. anyway i didn't really care about getting late... heheheheh

sometime after 8 i head off to my office, a good 20-minute ride to the heart of manila. i had some stuff i wanted to do, some things i wanted to accomplish... unfortunately i'm running out of steam. so i spent the whole day alternating between inspiration and feeling like a zombie. good thing my friend ness can be reached on the other end of the line... i had to talk to her twice to get my spirits up. this considering that i'm seeing her much later in the day.

at 5.30 (quitting time!) vangie (my boss) and i got out in record time and headed to the nearest mall. to practice at the bowling lanes. hahaha. we have an upcoming game this friday, and we wanted to get ready. so we had three games in all, with me pulling off a personal record of 124 points (without handicap ha!) if my team captain finds out she'll probably pray i get it again. but as she's my teammate from last year she'll probably expect something nearer to 80.

on my way back to makati i called morell (the friend i was helping with strama), said i couldn't meet her before she leaves for her badminton game, and promised to keep tabs on her the whole evening. i then head home to get my things for my own badminton game, which i was a bit late getting to, and everything proceeded as expected.

went back home because my friends are fetching me from makati. yehey! this is the funny part. i planned a gimik with my best buds lei and ness, ness' bf pao, and our friend gary, knowing full well i'll be late. and usually we hang out at megamall/shangri-la, so it was a great load off my back that i didn't have to go there pala. after they fetched me at home we went by greenbelt for me to meet morell, then drove around aimlessly because we couldn't decide where to go. finally we settled on pier one at the fort, because i had to eat, and we had to hang out at a place with lots of people (as compromise to lei's disco ;) but the two weeks of little sleep and the hangover from the singapore trip finally caught up with me. while i was still my witty self i did space out from time to time. so when the others suggested leaving around 1 i didn't protest too much. eventually us three girls got to ness' place and had a mini-chika fest before dozing off one by one.

so went my very hectic, thank-god-it's-friday. the day i was looking forward to all week, being the day after my humres finals and for all the above events that happened. this is the kind of day that makes me realize i'm addicted to company, and i want to be with people all the time if time, schedules, and traffic will allow. it's also manifested in the way i walk (rather fast, trying to overtake everybody) because i want to accomplish so much in the little time i have, and i don't want to waste it walking or traveling. i guess this is the bane of my life. i try to take on so many things that i forget to step back and relax during the day. does this mean i'm afraid of being alone? maybe. probably. or am i compensating for the time i waste lazing in bed or prowling about when i should have been doing something else? again, most likely. is it something i should change? that remains to be seen.

dear abby, part 2

dear jenny,

it's hard to be sensible about love, especially when it happens for the first time. even more difficult when there are many first times, as i'm sure you are bound to spell out. love is not just an event. it is a process. it doesn't happen all of a sudden, though many claim otherwise. and even if it did, it doesn't survive if not sustained, or nurtured, as you were asking.

it is true that it takes two people to sustain love. but a lot also depends on each person's discernment of the situation and the extent of their emotional control. i will not elaborate anymore, but both factors contribute in sustaining the relationship, and only if both parties direct them to the same outcome. it all boils down to choice. you can choose to fall in love anytime if you wanted to, but it involves knowing yourself and the other person thoroughly. and that is why it is hard to determine if a relationship is real love or not. because both people involved make choices on the extent of their involvement and how close to their true selves they allow themselves to be.

do not be afraid of love. if it's the wrong time, it will hurt but it will pass if not sustained. if it's the right time, it will still be hard but if you both want it bad enough you will get there. in the meantime, enjoy life as it comes. everything that happens to you is an emotional investment into your future.

abby

dear abby

one time i read a book where the main character writes for the school paper. one of her regular but little-known columns is the advice column. i then realized that it was something i would have wanted to do back in high school. aside from getting points for the fame (or infamy), it would have been a good use of my penchant for channeling "ate helen". i carried this persona into my adult years, and my best friends have always told me that i give sound advice. and one of the main reasons i even considered putting up my own blog is the chance to dole them out to other people. could be i'm a really frustrated emotional exhibitionist. but unsolicited or not, i put great value on my ability to discern many facets of one issue. it's deciding which side to finally focus on that i'm having a hard time with.

so this time i'm putting the blog to good use. here is a "dear abby" letter that i'm sure all of us have wanted to write.

---

dear abby,

is there something wrong with a person who has never fallen in love? what if a person has had so many close calls but never calls the bluff? is it a matter of pride? self-preservation? or stupidity? is it really possible that one knows his own mind so little as to mistake love for something else? or is it seeing purely in black and white when it is an interesting shade of gray?

how does one know if that one close call could really have been love? is love something that is either there or not? or is it something that comes with accepting the terms? something nurtured?

how does one go on when love is not the right word? how does one deal with expectation, pride and loss? most of all, how does one forget the pain of knowing one is wrong and the pain
of letting go?

sincerely, jenny (real name withheld for sake of contrived mystery)

abby's response to be posted soon

gusto mo bang sumama?

one in the morning. one of the rare moments i got through three chapters of my humres book, albeit haphazardly. after indulging my senti mood with doses of d'sound and julia fordham, i decided to finally break the seal of my week-old eraserheads anthology cd.

i bought the newly-released 2-cd compilation despite already having copies of my two favorite eheads albums. i figured, since i won't be buying the latter albums unless someone twisted my arm, this would be a opportunity to have a good cross sample of their songs. the first cd contains the hits of the first three albums, which were the most popular ones. the second cd took off from fruitcake, the thematically-cohesive but commercially-panned christmas album. it featured songs so divergent, a testimony to the varied musical styles and techniques the eraserheads employed in their later work.

starting off with the first cd, i skipped ligaya and pare ko and eventually landed on my favorite eraserheads song: alapaap. then it hit me. as the song progressed, several things came to mind.

1. i missed playing in a band. notwithstanding the fact that i'm not a really good bass player (well, not as good as buddy zabala anyway), i can coast through a few songs without sticking out like a sore thumb. and although guitar was really my first instrument (after piano of course) i'm more used to thinking in terms of playing bass. well, having my own bass guitar does help.
2. my favorite songs are usually the ones with kick-ass bass. kama supra (eraserheads), in the blood (better than ezra), this love (maroon5), aeroplane (red hot chili peppers), bullet with butterfly wings (smashing pumpkins), tea in the sahara (the police), it's my life (no doubt), are you in? (incubus) are some of them. i get more inspiration to play the really groovy songs although they're quite a challenge to learn.
3. buddy zabala is brilliant. (tagal ko nang alam 'to.)
4. did i already mention i missed playing?

sometimes when i think of what-ifs and what-might-have-beens i inevitably go back to this non-talent of mine. i wonder what would happen if i had been more industrious in learning, if i bothered to take lessons, if i wasn't oido-deaf. one of my brods has a never-ending struggle with songwriting; he's luckier than i am because at least he can compose songs (although they're all incomplete). it all goes back to my perennial problem of being a "jack of all trades, master of none". at times i wonder why i wasn't given one thing to really excel at, rather than having several things that i'm able to do but never be good at. maybe it's just my lot in life. or maybe i just needed to push myself a bit more.

i don't care what other people say about this song. a song is a song is a song. and this is a great song.

may isang umaga
na tayo'y magsasama
haya at halina
sa alapaap
o anong sarap

hanggang sa dulo ng mundo
hanggang maubos ang ubo
hanggang tumulo ang luha
hanggang mahulog ang tala

masdan mo'ng aking mata, 'di mo ba nakikita?
ako ngayo'y lumilipad at nasa langit na
gusto mo bang sumama?

'di mo na kailangan na magtago't mahiya
'di mo na kailangan nang humanap ng iba

kalimutan nang muna ang lahat ng problema
huminga ka ng malalim at tayo'y lalarga na
handa na bang gumala?

pa-parap-pa-pa (gazillion times)

ang daming bawal sa mundo
sinasakal nila tayo
buksan ang puso at isipan
paliparin ang kamalayan

masdan mo'ng aking mata, 'di mo ba nakikita?
ako'y lumilipad at nasa alapaap na

gusto mo bang (gusto mo bang) (7x)
gusto mo bang sumama?

-- eraserheads, alapaap

still awake

date: 22 april time: 0144 hrs

i got home from manila at 1030 last night. i'm sleepy, my back hurts, and i'm not even supposed to be surfing the net. thuuuuhhhhhhh.

should have been doing any of the following:

1. my application paper for tomorrow night's class (come to think of it, it's already today)
2. the assigned write-up on a friend for the high school yearbook (which is sooooo long overdue)
3. reading 3 of the 6 assigned chapters for class pa rin (i'm starting to hate this class)
4. sleeping. it's morning, for goodness' sake.

instead i'm posting another meaningless entry to my blog. buti na lang i'm on leave tomorrow.

guess i really could be the poster girl for procrastination.

well, just wanted to blow off some steam.

i'm going on

words. melodies. chords. instruments. thoughts.

all of these (and a lot more) make up a song.

yet you never know when a particular combination will appeal to you completely or drive you away.

at some point any sentimental song can be so thoroughly dissected for its meaning, and you try to see the connection to your own life.

but rarely does it happen that, word for word, a song has described your existence.

think tattooed on my mind. i do believe simone is my soul sister.

---

d'sound, people are people

i am the one who believes in all that you say
i am the one who never wants to define herself
i am the one who's parallel, upfront, behind
i am the one paddling like crazy through the night

refine, old time, colourblind
big sign, do time, doesn't rhyme
a lot, too much, standing tall
and i'm crying in the valley:
"i shall never, ever fall!"

people are people and i feel so strong
people are people and i'm going on

i am the one who stirs it up everytime
i am the one who never knows how close she is
i am the one who'd rather be dead than confess
i am the one, trying to be good, wanting to be bad and so on

excess, temptress, big mess
phoney, lonely, it's a test
be still my heart, don't you fail
and i'm crying on the stagefloor:
"i will always prevail!"

i'm going on...

wide-awake song syndrome

as i hung out in my bedroom trying to catch some zzzzs i was plagued by the mood i found myself in. and out of all the songs i had coming out of my cd player, one reached out its hand and held me by the throat -- and thus i found myself unable to sleep for a spell. hence the title of this piece.

how sad that i had to resort to a song playing over and over in my head to explain the level of sadness that i feel. and the song, in its own context, is not the same as the situation i find myself in. it's as if i was wishing that it had turned out that way, but reality is miles away from it. in fact i'm not sure if it's worth writing about at all. but the fact remains that i am compelled to write it down, to express my sadness as it demands to be expressed. better than saying it face to face to another person who may not understand (or may misunderstand, or worse, understand only too well). because doing that is acknowledging what may not, after all, exist. where only despair does.

while it is possible that a thing can be warranted just by acting as if it does exist, assumption (or presumption, in some cases) can only take you so far. and while a thing can be controlled for as far as you can and as far as you want, it is also true that where one's freedom begins is where another's freedom ends. and in such instances that requires the presence of another, it really is up to both to make something happen.

waited by the phone all day, thinking that you'd call, but you never did. you are different from before, now you've made me insecure like you never did. tell me it's not over now, will you? so i won't be hanging around, and you won't see me crying.

girl, you've got it wrong, you've been thinking all along that i've really changed. love's been knocking at your door, do you hear it? do you really, really care? tell me it's not over now, will you? so i won't be hanging around, and you won't see me crying.

take me into your sweet loving arms. let's make love like we've never done before (like we've never done before). tell me it's not over now, will you? say you love me, say it loud. say you want me, say it now. and you won't see me crying.

-- passage, you won't see me crying

confusion on a leap day

so many songs playing in my mind
but not the ones i could share
so many scenes i've played out
but the chance was just not there
so many words i wanted to say
but my tongue was in knots
so many times i wanted to try
but i was running scared

there is so much inside
that no one had ever seen
now i'm trying to give myself a chance
if only you'd agree
is it worth a shot, i wonder
or would i be let down?
have you asked yourself that question
or better, will you ever ask me?

if this was not to be
why did i have to waste my time
asking all these questions
so my heart could not reply?
is it really my fate
never to fall in love
'cause at this rate i'm going
i probably never will

in trivial pursuit -- the friendtest of knowledge

games really intrigue me. especially mind games. no, i don't mean the ones where adults play at relationships or engage in one-upmanship. i meant board games, trivia games, the dell multi-puzzle books, even the "how green is your mind" portion of the morning brew. so i could hardly wait to get to an internet terminal when joe invited me to his friendtest site.

honestly, i was so blown away by the concept of friendtest that i constructed a quiz of my own soon after. i was curious how much my friends know about me. a lot of them probably know the basics, like which high school i went to or what career path i was following. but more importantly, i wanted to know whether they knew enough to make certain inferences into my personality. besides, i couldn't resist the challenge of tripping people up.

as it turned out, the first quiz i did was too hard, even for my best friend. sad, isn't it? but i do admit that i intended it to be tricky, because i didn't want it to be a giveaway. i mean, there is an obvious answer but sometimes it's not the correct one. so i relented and constructed an easier one, and fortunately my best friend was the runaway winner (so far).

so anyway, i guess i'll wait for more of my friends to take the test, as it's too early to close it yet. maybe afterwards i'll know just how much of myself i've really shared with these people, and i guess i'll take it from there.

http://politicsaside.friendtest.com/

letting go

yesterday was just another day
but too many things reminded me how different it was
and it was obvious how i stuck out like a sore thumb. or did i?
many couples celebrated that day; i didn't, since i am only one, and you come into this somehow
you were supposed to save me from this plight
however, the role didn't suit you
and for the year that i wish it had
i was hoping in vain
this is the end of that year.
i don't want to nurture that hope anymore,
it's not healthy
but maybe even you realize
how hard it is to lose one's feelings
for someone else.
because although the head thinks
the heart still feels
the mind might dictate
but emotions cannot be dictated upon.
so i hope you understand
that although i'll try not to bug you now
i have to remember that i shouldn't.

just when you think it's love...

why is love so vague? so confusing? so abstract? why can't we know what we feel is love unless we convince ourselves of it? there is the dilemma. am i in love because i feel something? or maybe the mind dictates the adjective? and moreso, are the arguments all valid? is the friendship we have enough to go on? you could have shown something that made me stop and think or anything you did would still be misconstrued.

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questions to ask when you think you're falling in love:

1. love? that fast?
   
2. is love about measuring heartbeats?
   
3. are you really feeling something, or are you just looking for an escape?
   
4. is it your mind or your heart doing the talking?
   
5. are you feeling this way because of something the other person did for you? would you feel the same if that person had nothing at all to do with you?
   
6. corollary: if the other person would react unfavorably, would you still feel the same?